life goes on…

and on
and on
and on

𝒶𝐧𝕕 𝒕𝕙𝜶𝙣𝕜 ց𝞸𝞸d𝗇℮𝑠𝕤 ꞙ𝒐ᴦ 𝑡𝚑a𝐭

I give up on myself way too soon more often than I’m proud to say but as I do pride myself on honesty I am admittedly lackadaisical by nature and will usually choose the path of least resistance (and effort). The toughest trials in my life, however, have made me a better person and if I’d had my way I wouldn’t have had to go through them or would have checked out long ago amidst my struggles and today I LOVE ME! and I’m proud of me! and I can depend on me! and I wouldn’t trade being me for anything! That is huge for me, for anyone really I do believe but, while I’ve faked the funk and walked the walk and talked a big game, I was phony and I didn’t like me or believe in myself in the least. Would you have known this meeting me or even being one of my closest people in life? Not likely. Most didn’t. Until my current Mister – who has seen right through and helped me leave behind the bullshit and mask I hid behind since day numero uno – I had had most everyone fooled (save for my ex-husband and when he’s not in his holier than thou persona my father as well) and had begun to get lost myself in who I really am versus what I’d created to appease the world. The line was so blurred it was nearly nonexistent.

Ι’d ᄃᄋϺᄐ Țᄋ ҌᄐᄂΙᄐѵᄐ ȚᅢΔȚ ₩ᅢΔȚ ᄋȚᅢᄐЯଌ ҌᄐᄂΙᄐѵᄐd ᄋԲ Ϻᄐ ₩Δଌ Ϻᄐ.

From the time I was in middle school until a few years back now I cared dependently what people thought of and said about me. My life revolved around my distorted view of the opinion other people may or may not have had of me. On the thankfully very rare occasion I look backwards and examine the unchangeable choices that led me to today I am bummed for past me and embarrassed at how much time I wasted second guessing myself and being unhappy based on imaginary disdain from people who didn’t matter then and definitely don’t matter now (in my life, of course as people they matter I truly believe everyone does just not in regards to my world). and in all reality probably weren’t thinking about me at all let alone whatever I led myself to believe. But hey – I am here now right where I apparently need to be in life and I learned valuable lessons from making these mistakes along the way so I am grateful for my ignorance and worst experiences. Without those things I may not be me as I am today, I may still be struggling with worry over impressing people on facebook or losing sleep at night wondering what if I had said or done this instead of that and dreading my days…

α δεℓιςατε βαℓαηςε

I learned the hard way that while I am not going to lose sleep over the opinion of others I can’t completely forget that they exist and people are unpredictable and can wreak havoc when you least expect it so I stay aware and use caution when handling the egos and feelings of people who could potentially or have affected mine and my girls’ lives negatively. I keep them out of sight as much as possible but never fully out of mind without letting them invade my life, my thoughts, my energy. A very delicate balance. I have the great program of Alcoholics Anonymous and the teachings of letting go of anger and resentments to thank for a lot of that sanity of which I am truly grateful. I believe this genius that has saved me a lot of heartache and wasted energy is attributed to Buddha: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The simple logic behind this exponentially powerful idea is life altering when embraced and while I’ve never been an angry person I have been a grudge-holder in my self-righteous indignation and held onto blaming others (when deserved but alas does not matter) and resentments with a fear that relinquishing these feelings was allowing them to win or proving them right in some way. However just the opposite happened when I finally embraced forgiveness and acceptance and let go of being hurt and right and justified I freed myself of their control and stopped allowing their negativity to affect me. I won. I got my life back, I took my life back. I took my power back, I stopped giving them power over me. I used to poo-poo this quote because I was the victim and unbeknownst to me for the longest time (until I hit my 30s) I held onto my victimhood for dear life in fear of accepting and taking responsibility for my life and what that would mean in facing myself and having to actually DO something about my self loathing. Being the victim was my security blanket because then it was never my fault and I could tell anyone willing to listen exactly how I was stuck because of everything else everyone else and I was not to blame. The quote I speak of is from Eleanor Roosevelt and while I still have my moments of weakness I grow stronger in accepting and living this truth every day: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Ӏե ís ղօե ҽɑsყ . .

Photo credit Tembela Bohle

. .ҍմե íե ís síʍթƖҽ

It takes work to change from a negative to a positive mindset.
It takes a desire and then applying new habits to your everyday.
It doesn’t just happen. No one else can do it for you. Shortcuts don’t work or last.
I end up falling back into old patterns from time to time but each time I do it gets easier to get back on track.
I choose everyday to be happy. If I am unhappy I realize that is a choice I am making which I find bananas to choose to be unhappy nowadays so I don’t.
It takes a conscious effort to choose happiness, to let go of victimhood, to take responsibility for myself and my happiness and not play the blame game and give away my power and my choice.
I give forgiveness immediately for myself and my sanity even if the person I am forgiving never knows it isn’t for them it is for me.
Each day I try to begin with a clean slate for everyone in my life. I don’t allow yesterdays to affect today and it starts the night before. Before going to sleep I let go of all ill will or negative thoughts or feelings I may have had throughout the day.
Negativity is such a minimal aspect in my life these days because I worked my butt off to change my thinking and after a lot of trial and error and ups and downs and so many failures and missteps it has become second nature to shut down negative thoughts and feelings and embrace only worthwhile positive thinking and actions that reflect what I want not what I don’t want.
Baby steps. Cliche because it works.
Put yourself first and life takes on a whole new view.
Start today – when you have a negative thought consciously stop that thought and reframe it into a positive. Call yourself out to yourself and be accountable to you! Change takes time and repetition creates habits.
Of course there is more to it and again it isn’t easy but sincerely it is simple.
So put foot to ass and start living life choosing to be happy!!
You matter and only you can decide to show you that that is so.

ᙅᖾoo⳽ᥱ ᖾᥲρρɩᥒᥱ⳽⳽.

Ƙιη∂ηєѕѕ ιѕ ƒяєє,
gινє ιт ƒяєєℓу.

AʇɈǝɿɈʜoυϱʜɈƨ

\(‾▿‾\) People are ultimately self-absorbed (myself included) so while you are stressing over what they’re thinking about you or what you said or did more often than not they’re not they are thinking about themselves.
\(‾▿‾\) How someone treats you is not a reflection on you but rather how they feel about themselves so don’t take offense or let it get under your skin. Try taking the high road when someone is rude to you be understanding that you don’t know what they have going on in their life and compassionate and forgive them and be kind anyway.
\(‾▿‾\) We are all struggling with our own shit, put yourself in the other persons shoes before passing judgment or getting upset and realize that we have no idea what could be affecting another person to make them act the way they do. Compassion – it is contagious give it a try and let the positive energy start with you. You can change a person’s life without ever knowing it by showing kindness in the smallest way. Think the butterfly effect.
\(‾▿‾\) No matter if you’re right or wrong if you feel a certain way that is your choice and right but so is it every other person’s right to feel however they feel. It is okay for us not to agree and we can learn from looking through another person’s eyes at any-and-everything in life if we are willing. Live and let live, treat others as you would like to be treated, show rather than tell and be humble.
\(‾▿‾\) Failure is a choice. You can’t fail if you keep trying. Without mistakes how would we learn and grow? Fall down seven times, get up eight and you are succeeding and getting better as you go.

δαλs 2 αηδ 3 – ραss τнιs sнαℓℓ

Forcing myself to spend time awake and involved in my day.
My body craving sleep and pulling me toward hibernation.
I fight it.
Day 2 I felt fine for most, worked an extra 3 hours and only fell out toward the end. Just my friendly coworker noticed and brought me back to focus without consequence. Thankful. Grateful. Stayed awake the rest of the day hit NA and fought with my internet. Finally giving in to the desperate hold of sleep when Alex pulled me in for a hug that I kept embracing until morning rung.
Day 3 only a 3 hour workday (they asked for extra, I couldn’t give) sick to my stomach, just an ache that wouldn’t amount to releasing anything but threatened insistently. My head burst intermittently when I moved just so, and just so was not consistent to any one movement it was just so. Boss bought breakfast thought I wouldn’t, then I did and so worth it. I hadn’t eaten in days probably a big cause of my haze. Thankful. Grateful. Full. Got home and gave in, let sleep win. Overcome with comfortable ease of nothing I didn’t make NA, skipped treatment too, called in and said I had the flu. Fever! don’t make us sick, yeah I’m not slick she knew I wasn’t. Got my ass up to go see my girl sing in her school choir performance. Spent the whole time searching the sea of young little faces and none belonged to me. Listened and waited and left with confusion, tried her dad’s phone to no resolution. Later she called and we figured it out – she’d been standing too low for my shortness to account. Moral being that I’m glad I’m kicking my own ass out of hibernation and not letting life just pass. Cause even though we didn’t see one another she was just overjoyed that I’d been there to support her. These moments we can’t get back and of which I’ve missed too many.
I’m interrupting this cycle and taking away my excuses, its taking real effort and not even about using. I only have a tiny smidge of craving that gets stamped out with thoughts I’m reframing. None of this is meant to be a complaint or a whine – just putting my experience out there so anyone in need can see it is hard as hell but we can be set free.

clean time: months.days – 0.0 :: square one

Today would have been day 1 of my sobriety but I took Excedrin PM for my headache at work thinking it might make me a little sleepy but I’d be fine. Well probably exacerbated by not having slept last night I ended up being what I can only describe as a surreal high. I was in and out of reality and couldn’t carry on a conversation properly. I thought I was going to get fired!

Thankfully boss man reassured me that they are still looking to hire me in the near future and sent me home to get some rest.

He also accused me of being on drugs to which I only copped to the Excedrin PM and blamed lack of sleep the past couple days for any oddities he felt I had portrayed. It seemed really weird since I hadn’t noticed him out on the floor much yesterday. Maybe he was just checking since I was admittedly “high” from the Excedrin. I didn’t use any meth today but I am feeling some withdrawal symptoms and that may have contributed to the intensity of the diphenhydramine’s effect on me.

I am thinking of being honest with him about being in recovery after I get a little time sober and probably not until he hires me. So maybe never but I didn’t like making him feel bad for accusing me. I didn’t lie and I didn’t deny anything however I think he took my look of disbelief and tears coming to my eyes as such but I was still feeling fuzzy and thought I was getting fired so that was the cause of the tears. Worked out either way. Got off a couple hours early and gotta be back in at 6 am.

Recovery day -1: I didn’t intentionally get stoned/high but I’d rather start my sobriety off totally clean. That is a negative 1 but I guess it should be a zero anyway so oh well. Tomorrow is my first day of the rest of my life sober.

“I changed my goal that day, rather than wanting to quit drinking, I wanted to become a person whose life was so great they didn’t want to drink.  And yes, that sounded impossible, but oh so desirable.”

terminally nice

0 days – aNother bitiNg of duSt

Admitting my shit to you is a lot harder than I expected it to be on this one.
I haven’t been lying but I haven’t been being honest either.
Playing games that I hate, to avoid asking for help or whatever it is that I need of you, my reader.

sobeRELAPSED

sO that happened.
picKed up this past Thursday.
4 days totaL oFF scRipt

feeling ashamed and foolish
it is me who is fucking my shit up for me
AND WHY? because I wanted more energy back right now, I didn’t want to do the work. I’ve got to do the work.

ADMITTING IT NOW because I’m ready to do sobeR again NOW and need to NOW.

i am maKing a conscious effort to NOT hit up micK and need to throw out the pipe i bought to utilize as soon as it is all gONe.
aDDict me: caNNot toss any doPe in the trash :: will make certain dONe and gONe before beD tONight.
typINg like its a RaNsOM noTe because iT iS — my dopefiend aSS is holding my sobrieTy hostage from mYself.
RaNsOM? reaLLy beiNg reaDy and waNting to quiT and sTay quiT.

There is the rub – am I and do I?
I want to be ready and I don’t want to stress over and lie about what I am doing anymore. In order for me to be honest I have to stay sober, high me lies for no reason.
The idea of not using ever again seems preposterous but that is future tripping and not helpful. I like to get high and that isn’t changing (even while making myself sick knowingly smoking too much so that it will deter me)…and liking to do something I shouldn’t do is not reasonable argument for doing it.
I cannot forget that I am a master manipulator and I am fantastic at convincing myself to do the wrong thing and brilliantly justify my bad behavior BUT have been being honest with myself way more so and pretty brutally.
Already planning my relapse for after I’ve gained ten pounds back Yowza doing this off script may make the actions I do within this chaos more attainable because I’m already overwhelming myself.

pLan for beTTermenT of liFe

daiLy uPdates :: monTh.Day (0.1, 0.2, 0.3 then 1,1, 1.2, 1.3, etc. ) – poSt titLe
focus at least 1 paragraph/4 sentences to checking in about recovery and/or
create template/layout with questions to check in on daily
weekLy goaLs :: cReate new caTegory (StoP tYping LiKe aN aSShoLe NOW) post every
Monday so I can start today :: 2 goal minimum
get BigBook back out and pg 78? every morning …not likely but need to try different ideas.
Medications NIGHTLY and put GAB and some Prozac in car for high anxiety days. (Reduce trazadone on weekends and possibly during week
Set up a check list to document and keep accountable.
Honestly identify and document relapse triggers (ex. weight gain) and what to do rather than use (bullshit I know I wont do) THE RUB!

Brainstorm Ideas for actions/activities to keep me ACTIVELY sober.
Point: I am very focused on using when I’m in ACTIVE addiction but haven’t been being ACTIVE in my sobriety when I am sober. The more I focus on not using is just more time spent focusing on meth. I need to focus on BEING SOBER first. Staying sober will come after I can learn to be sober first.
I admitted all to Alex as well. Continue honesty even if I slip I need to be forthcoming when it happens not later. The real thing to do is bring it up before I pick up because I know and plan my relapses now that I’ve been on the 2-3 weeks gripping the wagon and 1-2 weeks bailing out the back and going on a binge for the past 5 months.
Telling someone I am planning to use before picking up is the correct thing to do but that is me choosing not to use (asking to be talked out of it) and therein lies the issue.

I do not know how to stop wanting to get high. I know it takes time. This last 20 days that I made it up until Thursday I wasn’t craving using so much as I was wanting to have energy. I had been starting to be awake for an hour or two after work toward the end. Life doesn’t have time for my body to readjust my sleep schedule but I have to make time and remember that every time I pick up again all that time my body spent healing is flushed with another couple days added to the length of time I’ll be dead to the world.

Goals, count-up widget for 30 days, google app for sobriety count, lose bEck’s number, vent through blogging, get out of bed by 530 every am, lay out clothes night prior,

hi there!
I could use all the help i can get so any suggestions, ideas, critiques, etc. comment or contact me perty please!!
Thank you!

This blog is saving my ass because I was going to re-up tonight and just keep up the charade until I was ready to face it but definitely put that off for a while. Then I read a couple blog posts that really affected me to a core part of myself that I thought died when Grayson abducted my girls and everything went to hell overnight lit up a bit. Today, though, I was flooded with feelings of empathy, for a minute I let myself care for real, and I for a quick thirty seconds I felt a little rush of hope. I’d have gotten more meth if not for those small but huge mini-emotional breakthroughs. No idea why today but very grateful for it and should maybe put a little faith out there in working on things in my sobriety.

Off to set me some goals and create an outline. Any and all ideas welcomed.
future.ex@dopefiend.blog
lyric@dopefiend.blog