Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.one mayday! mayday!

Going down!

Well, coming down, hard.

I decided to finish off the last of what I had cause I’m a sucker for punishment. It ended up going through Monday night. Then, to show me just how idiotic that was, I slept through my alarms Tuesday and missed work. So, yet another reason to not pick up again – I want this job and using is fucking that up. In order to function I either have to go back to regular, moderate using or quit, I can’t keep trying to play this binge and purge shit.

I WANT TO QUIT. SO I AM QUIT!

Tuesday I spent the day sleeping. Last night I didn’t take my medication so I wouldn’t sleep through my alarms again and so today I am not asleep per usual after stopping using and I am in an intense amount of pain. Everything hurts. I was sick to my stomach and dehydrated all day at work but made it through, barely. My ears hurt, my lips hurt, my throat, my head, my feet, my fingers everything is lacking fluids and swollen with a pins and needles feeling. I want to feel this so I can remember how not worth it it is to pick up again. Usually I’d just sleep through this part with my medications knocking me out and letting my body recuperate silently but I don’t want to do the week to two week knockout.

I will take my medications tonight but only half of my sleep med so I’m not down for the count and missing calling my girls tomorrow night. I want to get through this awake because I have plans with Riley and Hope this weekend and I’m not screwing it up because I fucked up and used AGAIN. I need to do better. So I will.

I’m too much of a wimp to keep suffering though, since I can kick the withdrawals by getting back on track with my medications, which I need to do anyway, I’m going to. Now actually.

I want to create a template of sorts for a daily check-in that I can use to give an update on my sobriety on the regular and either incorporate it into my focus that day or have it separate from my post as an aside… Any ideas? I’m going to start brainstorming.

Thanks for checking in on me! I wanted to give an update and my brain is pretty mushy so hang in there with me and I’ll get back to rockin’ and rollin’ in my sobriety as we take this adventure!

Last thing: I feel differently about my sobriety this time. I am thinking of so many reasons why I want it and feeling really positive and fulfilled when envisioning my quality of life sober for the long haul. I’m ready for some real change in my attitude and behavior to better myself and my life. I feel ready now. I feel empowered. I can and am doing this.

The time has come.
It’s for the best, I know it.

Posted in recovery

0.12-0.18 – I am still sober!!

Apologies for my lack of posting for yet another sleepy-time week. I have just been overwhelmed with the desire to sleep or lay here doing nothing.
So that is a huge issue to overcome – I have absolutely NO MOTIVATION to do ANYTHING!
I barely did Easter. We had to put off decorating eggs until next week because they would be rotten by the time we went to hide them on Sunday (we boiled em Friday and then googled it before we started the decorating process) when my youngest will be here to celebrate. I made a basket for my mini me (Riley, 12) and got her some new flavored peeps which she was super excited, especially because she thought we’d only be celebrating next weekend.
We spent the rest of Sunday watching Forensic Files and chatting about everything while she chatted with her besties online and drew some of her awesome characters she creates for her role playing she does with her friends. They are a creative little bunch and can do this role playing (making up stories with their characters) for hours!!
So as expected my motivation is gone to do anything. I haven’t been able to open my laptop for 8 whole darn days because of it. I think about doing it and it sounds like a WHOLE LOT of effort and my brain is pretty hazy right now so my imagination and idea machine is kind of shut down.
I really want to one day soon reach and continue my goal of blogging everyday. I think I need to just blog SOMETHING. I know I want to walk everyone through my getting sober process too so maybe it could help another addict going through it as well so I need to do better.
I will. I’m feeling better today. I even did laundry. I was out of clothes and about to start pulling stuff to wear out of the hamper — EWWW! I didn’t! I got it done. But doing that motivated me to get on here.
Hang in there with me guys I’m getting the hang of both blogging and sobriety (again). I’ll get even better with time 🙂

Until we meet again.


“I have a perfect body, cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.”

Regina Spektor, Folding Chairs


Posted in recovery

0.2-0.6 |=!\\/3 |)4`/5 5|_33|D

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Okay I’ll stop that now.
The hangover from methamphetamine is sleep.
For the past five days (see it yet??) I have been either at work or asleep. And the awake time I had over the past weekend was spent solely on time with my daughter, Riley while she was here for the weekend (as she is every weekend!!! yayers).
Just wanted to check-in and let ya know that I am still sober and having my first day where I can stay awake after work.
Fun Fact: “Symptoms of fatigue usually peak around the fifth day of withdrawal, during which people will sleep an average of 11 hours per day (a phenomenon known as hypersomnia)” -verywellmind.com
This evening I feel plugged in a bit but was struggling all day at work…

AND EATING holy carpe dieming it with food I am.
Not a positive whatsoever, however, because I relapse to get my thin figure back and have body image issues up the yang! I have gotten to that yikes! stage of starting to look like a meth user and realized I’d gone too far (after I’d gotten sobered up) so I’m not aiming for a twig-like existence. I just know the weight I’m comfortable at but every time I start and stop using I’m throwing my metabolism for a loop and seem to gain more, quicker than the time I stopped prior. I eat the same dang things every time and drink the same crap in excess too. I know what not to eat and that is exactly what I eat when I’m coming down off of meth. And my energy drink consumption is out of control!! Not only am I gaining weight from crap food but I’m bloated to all get out from these damn NOS I’m chugging ALL DAY! Food sounds disgusting right now but that’s because I’ve got a nauseating head ache.
IDEA!

While I am thinking of one I’m going to make a list of this weeks goals and I’ll put them in my goals section later.
1. Blog daily (every week)
2. Drink only 2 NOS per day (what I just though of)
3. Get paperwork (check docs “note to self” and get started on new plan) for Grayson for custody ((same as last week since not achieved))
4. Research self-motivation techniques and practices. Blog ideas!

I feel better about life just having done that and even though I didn’t accomplish my goals from last week I’m not feeling less than because of it. I’ve been too tired to care about anything besides sleep and it may catch back up with me tomorrow so getting something done today! I set goals 😉 I’ve come up with some cool ideas in my “note to self” document made for brainstorming. I’ve blogged after 5 days of hiatus!!

If you haven’t yet try setting some easy goals for yourself for the remainder of the week, it feels delicious!
THIS is where I found the best app for goal setting, task planning/setting/reminders, and brainstorming. It talks about aiding teams but works great solo, for me at least.
Check it out, it makes organizing your to-do’s kind of fun!!

**Not advertising, no pay in this for me, just sharing cool stuff I’ve come across and found worthwhile**

On to today’s blog…

See you there I hope!

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery, relapse

0 days – aNother bitiNg of duSt

Admitting my shit to you is a lot harder than I expected it to be on this one.
I haven’t been lying but I haven’t been being honest either.
Playing games that I hate, to avoid asking for help or whatever it is that I need of you, my reader.

sobeRELAPSED

sO that happened.
picKed up this past Thursday.
4 days totaL oFF scRipt

feeling ashamed and foolish
it is me who is fucking my shit up for me
AND WHY? because I wanted more energy back right now, I didn’t want to do the work. I’ve got to do the work.

ADMITTING IT NOW because I’m ready to do sobeR again NOW and need to NOW.

i am maKing a conscious effort to NOT hit up micK and need to throw out the pipe i bought to utilize as soon as it is all gONe.
aDDict me: caNNot toss any doPe in the trash :: will make certain dONe and gONe before beD tONight.
typINg like its a RaNsOM noTe because iT iS — my dopefiend aSS is holding my sobrieTy hostage from mYself.
RaNsOM? reaLLy beiNg reaDy and waNting to quiT and sTay quiT.

There is the rub – am I and do I?
I want to be ready and I don’t want to stress over and lie about what I am doing anymore. In order for me to be honest I have to stay sober, high me lies for no reason.
The idea of not using ever again seems preposterous but that is future tripping and not helpful. I like to get high and that isn’t changing (even while making myself sick knowingly smoking too much so that it will deter me)…and liking to do something I shouldn’t do is not reasonable argument for doing it.
I cannot forget that I am a master manipulator and I am fantastic at convincing myself to do the wrong thing and brilliantly justify my bad behavior BUT have been being honest with myself way more so and pretty brutally.
Already planning my relapse for after I’ve gained ten pounds back Yowza doing this off script may make the actions I do within this chaos more attainable because I’m already overwhelming myself.

pLan for beTTermenT of liFe

daiLy uPdates :: monTh.Day (0.1, 0.2, 0.3 then 1,1, 1.2, 1.3, etc. ) – poSt titLe
focus at least 1 paragraph/4 sentences to checking in about recovery and/or
create template/layout with questions to check in on daily
weekLy goaLs :: cReate new caTegory (StoP tYping LiKe aN aSShoLe NOW) post every
Monday so I can start today :: 2 goal minimum
get BigBook back out and pg 78? every morning …not likely but need to try different ideas.
Medications NIGHTLY and put GAB and some Prozac in car for high anxiety days. (Reduce trazadone on weekends and possibly during week
Set up a check list to document and keep accountable.
Honestly identify and document relapse triggers (ex. weight gain) and what to do rather than use (bullshit I know I wont do) THE RUB!

Brainstorm Ideas for actions/activities to keep me ACTIVELY sober.
Point: I am very focused on using when I’m in ACTIVE addiction but haven’t been being ACTIVE in my sobriety when I am sober. The more I focus on not using is just more time spent focusing on meth. I need to focus on BEING SOBER first. Staying sober will come after I can learn to be sober first.
I admitted all to Alex as well. Continue honesty even if I slip I need to be forthcoming when it happens not later. The real thing to do is bring it up before I pick up because I know and plan my relapses now that I’ve been on the 2-3 weeks gripping the wagon and 1-2 weeks bailing out the back and going on a binge for the past 5 months.
Telling someone I am planning to use before picking up is the correct thing to do but that is me choosing not to use (asking to be talked out of it) and therein lies the issue.

I do not know how to stop wanting to get high. I know it takes time. This last 20 days that I made it up until Thursday I wasn’t craving using so much as I was wanting to have energy. I had been starting to be awake for an hour or two after work toward the end. Life doesn’t have time for my body to readjust my sleep schedule but I have to make time and remember that every time I pick up again all that time my body spent healing is flushed with another couple days added to the length of time I’ll be dead to the world.

Goals, count-up widget for 30 days, google app for sobriety count, lose bEck’s number, vent through blogging, get out of bed by 530 every am, lay out clothes night prior,

hi there!
I could use all the help i can get so any suggestions, ideas, critiques, etc. comment or contact me perty please!!
Thank you!

This blog is saving my ass because I was going to re-up tonight and just keep up the charade until I was ready to face it but definitely put that off for a while. Then I read a couple blog posts that really affected me to a core part of myself that I thought died when Grayson abducted my girls and everything went to hell overnight lit up a bit. Today, though, I was flooded with feelings of empathy, for a minute I let myself care for real, and I for a quick thirty seconds I felt a little rush of hope. I’d have gotten more meth if not for those small but huge mini-emotional breakthroughs. No idea why today but very grateful for it and should maybe put a little faith out there in working on things in my sobriety.

Off to set me some goals and create an outline. Any and all ideas welcomed.
future.ex@dopefiend.blog
lyric@dopefiend.blog

Posted in recovery

Day 2 – come down

Today was uneventful. I slept the entire day. I woke up twice, this being the second time, to eat and type this. All I want to do is go back to sleep.

My daughter is here. I’m missing out on time with my daughter because of my use. Thankfully, I am going to be sober for a long time this time and be a better mom for it. Well, wish me luck with that at least.

And I need to remember to be grateful for my man’s continued help and support through all of this. He took the kids out all day and let me have my rest and made sure my daughter was included and had a fun day. This is just one of thousands of things he has done to help me over the past three years. He has stuck by me through so much. I’ll end up seeming very unappreciative after explaining just how much he’s dealt with and my taking it for granted…

I’m going back to sleep. The food was not worth getting up for, bleh.

Sweet dreams.