Posted in recovery

I AM YOUR DISEASE

I Am Your Disease

You know who I am, you’ve called me your friend,
Wishes of misery and heartache I send,
I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees,
I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease.

I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul,
I’ll become your new master, in total control,
I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game,
Till your entire existence is crippled with shame.

When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise,
Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise,
But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared,
I’ll only want to hurt you, with no mercy spared.

If you have your own family, I will see it destroyed,
I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed,
I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please,
I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease.

I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell,
I’ll sweep through heaven, then drop you in hell,
I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go,
And then when I catch you, you won’t even know.

I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike,
What’s yours becomes mine, cause I take what I like.
I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees,
I’m your constant companion… I am your disease.

If you have any honour, I’ll strip it away,
You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray,
I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare,
I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care.

So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime,
I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time,
I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of ease,
I’m that madman inside you… I am your disease.

But today I’m real angry… you want to know why?
I let this treatment centre full of Addicts entirely slip by,
How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong?
One minute I had you… the next you were gone.

You can’t just dismiss all the good times we’ve shared,
When you were alone… wasn’t it I who appeared?
When you sold those possessions you knew you would need,
Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed?

Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear,
You escaped with your lives when you found your way here,
Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat,
It’s what you must say when you’re claiming your seat.

Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose,
But, I’m not giving up cause I can’t stand to lose.
So stand in your groups and support hand in hand,
Better choices will save you… leaving me damned.

Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week,
Be damned inner strength, however unique,
Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches,
Be damned every Addict, who back to me strays.

For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before,
Those who love misery will crawl back for more.
So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here,
But next time around, you’d just better beware.

You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time,
There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb.
Well if that’s what you’re thinking, you ain’t learned a thing,
I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring.

But you say you surrendered, so what can I do?
It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you,
Creating your nightmare for me was a dream,
I’m sure gonna miss you… we made quite a team.

So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you,
I’ll stand by your side watching all that you do,
I’m ready and waiting so call if you please,
I won’t let you forget me… I am your disease.

-Unknown

I am so impressed. I wish there was someone to credit its creation to.
No more writing for me, I’m not going to follow that up.
The author is spot on, though!

Posted in recovery

days 19-21 – circumstantial footprint

Today day 21/March 28

Woke up and was late to the morning meeting at work.
Working – got offered a possible full-time position through the company I’ve been temping (temporarily working [on call as needed] for) with the past three weeks.
My supervisor came up to me at the end of the day, while I was putting the finishing touches on a project I’d stayed late to help complete as it was due to be shipped today, and took me by complete surprise by declaring, “You are awesome.”
I nervously laughed and said dorkily, “Well, much appreciated!”
She went on to say that she finds the way and how I work and figure things out “awesome” and asked if I would be interested in working for their company full-time.
Another lame response from me, “Oh yes very much so.”
She had a laugh at that and we said a few more things in regards to continuing to work there as I completed my task and I thought she was going to hug me for a second but raised her arms above her head and said, “That’s all for you today!! You can get on up outta here!”
My response: “I like the people here” (responding to a previous question from our just had conversation I apparently hadn’t felt I’d adequately answered already) and “Good day.” (don’t worry she probably let herself believe I’d said “Have” as I didn’t say it in some uppity accented way) I left feeling like I had had my first ever conversation in the adult world and had ACED it!! Now I realize I was as delusional as I must have seemed but oh well – they like me! they like me! they really like me!
Came home to see my man off for a new daily couple/few hour fishing trip (my overreacting female brain is waving neon red flags in paranoia just thinking about it) since spring has overtaken winter (keeping my sanity with reasoning). He does invite me but knows I won’t likely go so that reasoning doesn’t help me one way or the other.
Raced around trying to go do an UA but found out my card had a block put on it for my bank’s disbelief that I am willing to pay truthfinder 5 bucks to find out the owner’s names of phone numbers (gotta love this crazy sponge in my head) I find on my boyfriends phone account usage log that I don’t already know (haven’t yet checked out and verified already) so I couldn’t access my monies on said card for an hour after I called putting my money’s availability past the allowed arrival time of pee-ers at my UA place.
Settled in and rewrote an email to my ex Grayson to request the court ordered parenting plan be followed in regards to my visitation as he has been ignoring my compliance and therefore has been withholding my rightful lawfully allotted progression in visitations with Hope for the past nearly 9 months. I had spoken to him about a month ago and he had verbally agreed to solving the issue by giving me more time as soon as he left and moved away from Kimmie this month (he’s been planning and telling me about this plan for the past 9 months so I have been patiently waiting). He went so far as to ask for my help finding places for him to rent which I did as I thought I was doing something beneficial for Hope. He has still not moved and it is the end of the month and I’m not willing to continue waiting and feel I have been a good sport about it and honestly even in my email am still being. I sent it about an hour ago after I knocked out my 6th draft after rewording and editing and simplifying even more so than I had from my previous drafts for nearly 6 hours. The real beauty – he’ll read it in mere seconds and then Kimmie will reply her disapproval (He has admitted that she is the reason behind my visitation not progressing as it should. pathetic bullshit, if you ask me, to allow her any involvement in my relationship with my daughter.) and repeat the argument SHE made previously when denying me progression in my visits 9 months ago that I proved inaccurate numerous times since.
Here let me throw this out there as a question to hopefully be commented on (I am taking my case to an attorney who is from an amazingly successful law firm and does pro bono work helping poor people like me with how to proceed/what to legally do in custody situations to be sure as well before going back to court) there are actually two:
1. If a requisite is stated as a MUST followed by a sentence stating something SHOULD occur is SHOULD a suggestion or a requirement? And if it is a requirement why is it not grouped with the MUST denoted factors before it?
2. Can a judge (unknowingly or knowingly though I hope it was the former) make something that is unattainable and unobtainable a requirement for visitations? This being something impossible to do as no labs in my state test for and therefore no facilities in my state (something passed that made all UA facilities report to in state labs **anyone know what law or regulation I’m referring too??) can supply me with proof of cutoff levels as low as suggested.
3. (thought up another one) Can a custody trial take place at a place outside of both the mother and father’s city of residence when there is a court within reasonable distance of both? It did but I’m curious as to the legality and therefore validity of the decision. I was deemed indigent and because I had no money to pay for transportation to the courthouse 50 miles away I wasn’t even able to attend the trial.
4. Any lawyers reading this out there in internetLand who want to help me out? I do better getting my point across via type versus talk.  I’ll also be posting a story as to how this whole custody scenario was set into motion shortly as well. It is heartbreaking and unbelievable but I’ve very honestly depicted what happened in what I’ve wrote thus far.

Yikes waay beyond my bedtime!!

 

Yesterday (day 20/March 27th) I worked. I went to treatment which was kind of cool because the new counselor took the note I wrote her to heart and kept the information interactive involving the group with questions and allowing for comprehensive answers versus cutting people off per usual AND she gave us paper to write ideas for group topics on or changes in the group we’d like to see. I’d written very plainly the basic gist of what I’ll write it here:
1. This group is lacking since Marty left.
2. He would ask questions about our lives and it brought about a great atmosphere of trust and sharing and comradery amongst us.
3.  We are not retaining any information from you reading unrelatable (or for that matter even relatable) topics to us for the entire 2 hours.
4. I’m no longer finding anything about treatment worthwhile or uplifting and am only showing up because I’m required to.
5. I did enjoy the medicine wheel you did with us last week, keep that up!
So I think my point made it across to her and I felt validated by her NOT just reading and by her requests. However, (geez right never satisfied) I actually really wanted to sleep through treatment yesterday but in attempting to do so a bit just by having my eyes closed (which she, bless her heart, tolerated for the entirety of the group), even though I was still participating and answering questions,  I got myself into trouble and having to be told to sit up and take my feet off of the neighboring seat as I was slouching with my knees folded up to my chest (looking a little too comfortable maybe) so I corrected by scooching backward an inch and extending my legs to where my feet dangled off of the seat with my legs still propped up by the chair.
Yeah I realize it was an asshole move but I was wiped.
Upon arriving home I unclothed down to my underwear and flopped onto the bed (two couches put together since a bed would be a committment!!! and we can’t have any of that) then I called my daughter for our nightly chat and immediately after I hung up I fell asleep. I slept and slept and slept until I was nearly late for work and abruptly woke this morning!!

Tuesday (day 19/March 26)

I woke up late so, as seems to be my pattern lately, I rushed out the door to get to work on time.
I worked.
I drove home from work.
I arrived home and turned on the tv.
I promptly fell asleep.
I woke up to call my daughter.
I fell right back asleep once we ended the call.
I slept without dreams I could recall until I woke up with a few extra minutes to brush my teeth yesterday!! (eww gross!! haha yeah I know I can be)

 

Fare thee well!

 

 

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

Day 1 – ready or not.

So grateful for having work to go to today because I would have been struggling to not go pick up and once again postpone the inevitable if I had been sitting around the house. I didn’t want to leave work, really, I was enjoying being productive and keeping myself busy.

I didn’t even crave getting high so much as I was missing it in my break routine. I’ve worked at this place for one week and one day and, yes, I created a routine on my breaks that involved smoking meth at this brand new temporary job that I can’t afford to lose. I have a serious problem. If I had gotten caught that would have cost me utilizing the agency I work through, as well as this job that I find enjoyable, and likely would have involved the police.

The choices I make when using are so oblivious of consequences and just plain idiotic, almost as though I’m trying or wanting to get caught. The choices I make sober to get high are going to kill me. I was ODing myself on meth over the past few days to finish the shit that I bought at the beginning of this week to postpone quitting Monday, so that I could quit by today ((I am incapable of “wasting” drugs by flushing them even when I want to apparently)). I was smoking myself exhausted and thankfully didn’t cause myself to pass out at work.

So I made it through the day portion of Day 1 and my night is uneventful and safe. I’m flat broke, well I have a few bucks I could pry off of my debit card, so that is a potential bad path of picking up a little something if my night doesn’t go according to plan. ((Negative thinking brings about negativity. I need to NOT give myself excuses for and/or PLAN to relapse.))

The issue: My ex is suppose to be dropping off my eldest daughter for the weekend, she’s suppose to be here every weekend, but last weekend he kept her and didn’t tell me ahead of time what was up so I am nervous that tonight could be a repeat. We have a parenting plan through the court but don’t abide by it and have verbally (awaiting him signing the new parenting plan) agreed to my having weekends him having weekdays for her schedule. He is an addict/alcoholic and has been sober almost 2 years and is, rightfully so I know, skeptical of my continued sobriety ((I was doing good for a while and relapsed in October and continued using off and on until today since then)) but also snubs his nose at anyone struggling with using even after being a degenerate and absent from our daughter’s life for nearly ten years. He knows he has all the power right now, though, because I’m behind on the old parenting plan stipulations for my custody to be restored and she’s suppose to live with my grandparents per the court until she’s back with me but they gave her to him so it’s a cluster fuck. He agreed she’d be here when I talked to him last week but is not responding to my text or answering my calls all week. I hate this and I caused all of it by using drugs and making poor decisions for the past few years. Now I am just fucking myself by using and making my situation with seeing my girls even more difficult than it already is dealing with my exes wanting to punish me.
UPDATE: ***Hooray for the ASS! being me in assuming the worst and this ASS! is happily chillin’ with my daughter while she chats with her friends online. More good news: exhubby is willing to look over the plan I sent him and we are on good terms and in agreement to co-parent and work together. So no negativity tonight or any excuse I may have tried to use to go out and make poor decisions.***

Oh yeah that reason why I need to be sober NOW is because I should STILL be sober now. I relapsed in October, it was my third relapse since getting sober in April 2017, and I am just now making it out of the meth clouds to get my head back on straight. I fell off big time and didn’t even see what was happening. I was still quoting how I fell off for a couple months to myself yesterday. Delusional much, I think so. I thought I had this shit on lock and told myself I was just using for a few days here and there, controlled, purposeful, not addicted just getting high every once in a while… Addicts are manipulative little bullshitters, am I right? Well keeping it about me, I am for sure. I’ve been throwing my life away again and have no one to blame for whatever consequences arise besides me damn self! Oh for fucksticks sakes this is just one day, day one of digging myself out of the hole I’ve been digging behind my own back!

I’m 6 months into a year’s worth of outpatient treatment that was put as a stipulation for my visitations with my youngest daughter and I also incorporated it into the plan with my oldest as well to appease the exes need for me to jump through hoops like he had to. I’m in compliance and all my UAs have come back negative for drugs/alcohol. I’ve been faking the funk for months and cannot wait to go give a real clean UA next week, well maybe the week after I don’t want to push my luck and come back dirty because I didn’t wait long enough after using – failed UA means restarting treatment also. In my research I’ve found that it can take anywhere from 2 to 10 days for methamphetamine to leave a person’s system/be undetectable in urine. I’ve tested the theory, at a different facility than where I attend treatment, at $50 per UA – through some trial and error – with the most recent failed UA being after 5 full days of no use. I’ve wasted a lot of money and created evidence of my relapses by hoping for the best and knowing better which is just stupid and another way using is negatively impacting my life.

Insanity: ME doing the same thing, using methamphetamine [drugs], over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I made it.
I’m getting very sleepy and I have now gone 24 hrs without using.

1 day sober