Posted in recovery

δαλs 2 αηδ 3 – ραss τнιs sнαℓℓ

Forcing myself to spend time awake and involved in my day.
My body craving sleep and pulling me toward hibernation.
I fight it.
Day 2 I felt fine for most, worked an extra 3 hours and only fell out toward the end. Just my friendly coworker noticed and brought me back to focus without consequence. Thankful. Grateful. Stayed awake the rest of the day hit NA and fought with my internet. Finally giving in to the desperate hold of sleep when Alex pulled me in for a hug that I kept embracing until morning rung.
Day 3 only a 3 hour workday (they asked for extra, I couldn’t give) sick to my stomach, just an ache that wouldn’t amount to releasing anything but threatened insistently. My head burst intermittently when I moved just so, and just so was not consistent to any one movement it was just so. Boss bought breakfast thought I wouldn’t, then I did and so worth it. I hadn’t eaten in days probably a big cause of my haze. Thankful. Grateful. Full. Got home and gave in, let sleep win. Overcome with comfortable ease of nothing I didn’t make NA, skipped treatment too, called in and said I had the flu. Fever! don’t make us sick, yeah I’m not slick she knew I wasn’t. Got my ass up to go see my girl sing in her school choir performance. Spent the whole time searching the sea of young little faces and none belonged to me. Listened and waited and left with confusion, tried her dad’s phone to no resolution. Later she called and we figured it out – she’d been standing too low for my shortness to account. Moral being that I’m glad I’m kicking my own ass out of hibernation and not letting life just pass. Cause even though we didn’t see one another she was just overjoyed that I’d been there to support her. These moments we can’t get back and of which I’ve missed too many.
I’m interrupting this cycle and taking away my excuses, its taking real effort and not even about using. I only have a tiny smidge of craving that gets stamped out with thoughts I’m reframing. None of this is meant to be a complaint or a whine – just putting my experience out there so anyone in need can see it is hard as hell but we can be set free.

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.eight – …

I'm tired.
I didn't get hired.
Got a new job.
It starts at 2:15 in the am.
Glad to have a job.
Sad that it is the worst shift.
Still sober.
Trying hard.

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

Andy Warhol

It is difficult to stay sober. I have no energy and getting high I have an abundance of energy, while I’m high but the aftermath is so much sleep and being unmotivated. I’ve decided I need to give some spirituality a chance, say hi and thank you to God more often. I know it gave me a lot of energy and desire to do things the time I got clean and stayed clean for a year and a month. It was so easy then and I don’t get why it is so hard this time around. I think that making it through a month will bring about change in my motivation a bit as well as chatting with God. One can hope!
I’ve got lots of wisdom in how to stay sober and I’m not using the essentials. I need to go to meetings. I need to wake up and do some things productive; I did so today and I feel a bit better than yesterday. I need to be honest, this lying my way to graduating from treatment is starting to catch up with me. For now I’m taking it one day at a time. It is what I can and am doing right now. Staying clean for the minutes as they come. Staying up on my blog is something I want to get better about as I get out of this funk-if I get out of this funk, I never know if its withdrawals or my medications…or both is probably the case.
Happiness, motivation, and energy – that is all I want!
I’m way past my bedtime but struggling to sleep because I slept too much during the day. Go figure, when I need to sleep I can’t!! Haha. Such is life.

Posted in recovery

day 18 – capricious

I’ll eventually get day 17 up, maybe today probably tomorrow.

I had the best weekend ever with my parents and my girls – parents separately thankfully they’re happily divorced. Now I am exhausted again. I finally woke up for a few days and that is apparently over. I also think I drank too many NOS today and it drained me rather than giving me the energy it boasts to give.

I miss being UP all the time and happy being high. Sobriety is back and forth, up and down, and I don’t like dealing with the tiredness.

I’m going to take a nap now.

Party on, Garth! [without me!!]

 

Posted in recovery

day 13 – got this

bumbled mumbo-jumbo jive turkeying outchya chops topsy-turvy

I am beyond exhausted but doing very merrily.

Cause of exhaustion:
Yesterday my Auntie Demi called me to ask a favor which she was embarrassed about but, while it hasn’t been my experience (except with my dad), family should help family if they can so I felt she shouldn’t feel some kind of way about it. She asked if I could loan her the money to buy a pack of smokes. Okay, so not a necessity in life, no, and not really a normal thing to ask someone else for money for but do unto others (even when they don’t unto you) and how could I say no when I knew it wasn’t easy to ask for help especially from a younger relative. I can empathize. So her and her boyfriend came and picked me up and we went to the smoke shop. Along the way it was clear they were having a dispute of sorts and the tension ran high. I got her two packs and offered to put some gas in their tank since her boyfriend was grumbling about the distance to the smoke shop which was round-trip a 15 minute pick up to drop off. They accepted then turned down the offer. It was confusing. To try to help Demi out I suggested she come with me so we could go run a few errands she needed to take care of and that would allow her boyfriend to go home and nap before his night shift. We got back to my place and she said they’d discuss it and she’d let me know in a second.
There was no discussion he just took off when she sat back down in the car. I guess he felt she was going to get more drunk at my alcohol-less apartment hanging out with me and we’d then meet up with guys for sex.
Cut to 3 hours later and I’m getting another call from my auntie and she’s in need of my help – “life or death situation” – and tells me she is moving out of his place, he won’t stop being verbally abusive, and can I go over and help her move her belongings to her car. I agree to helping her and we go back and forth with when and because he still hasn’t slept and needs to, although he is up talking all kinds of shit in the background and doesn’t sound to be stopping anytime soon, I have to wait until 11 pm to go move this stuff. I have to be up at 5 am but do for family and I’d want help if the shoe were on my foot right so I agree.
I stay texting her for a bit since she’s distraught but then take care of my own personal needs expecting that I’ll be done in time to get there by 11.
After some amazing boot-knockin’ I find out she has left his place. I figure, as it is nearly 11 at this point, that that means no moving and she doesn’t get back to me as the clock runs past the meeting time. Of course at 11:30 I get a call and request and promise it will take all of 20 minutes as everything is already packed.
I go and am already beyond ready for bed so I’m expecting to make this happen quickly.
After fighting my phone to direct me there and arriving I see everything is packed and get excited! That hope lasted about 2 minutes until her phone starts chirping out multiple text messages. Understandably they’re from him and she reads them to me and he’s being really mean-spirited. My hope fully died when after reading them to me she decided to call my Nona, her mom, to read her the texts.
I’m too tired to type right now so here’s the gist, as best I can:
I ended up spending the next 5 hours helping her send well thought out text messages (I have to say I’m very proud of her restraint in not reacting to his myriad of manipulative, emotionally raping text messages with upset) to express an end to their relationship (reiteration), his trespasses, and her happiness and appreciation to be moving into a better chapter of her life in leaving the situation. We sent 6 texts to his likely 75 texts.
All the while I am trying to get moving on the moving of her stuff to her car. She just kept putting me off or having me read another text aloud. I tried to leave on a handful of occasions and she made me feel bad and guilty and pleaded with me to stay “just a little longer” each time. I finally HAD to leave for work at 5 am and she nearly tried the same shenanigans but accepted that I needed to go to work.
We moved NOTHING. She never even pulled her car up to the house to be loaded. I left with the impression that she was going to do it herself as she had done mere days before actually and I told her I’d check in hourly to make sure she left before he got home.
She takes my first two calls and then poof she’s unreachable.
I was sincerely worried, she’d expressed being fearful of this dude and said the previous evening he’d kind of stalked her around the apartment and she felt like he was right on the verge of physically assaulting her.
Yeah well the beeyatch text me 5 hours after he would have gotten off work (I was dog tired and still working and had been worrying my whole shift): “I’m good tired.” I had sent her 5 texts begging for some type of response so I could stop worrying and she didn’t even acknowledge it!
Come to find out, yeah you already know, she hadn’t moved shit!!! She was still there with him. I love and adore Demi but am feeling some type of way about her duping me into hanging out with her during my sleep-time with this “life or death situation” of moving out of an abusive situation that she remained in. She took my sleep.
Now she’s saying she’s got to get out of there tonight and I told her good luck and I’ll be sleeping.

Bye, Felicia

Posted in recovery

Day 4-10 – m.i.a. oops

I slept. I went to work from 6:00 am to 2:30 pm and then I came home and went straight to sleep until the following morning. That is the comedown from methamphetamine – a lot of sleeping. Thankfully not much else for withdrawal effects otherwise; a little depression usually but not so much this time around, or at least yet.

I did have to deal with a coworker (another temp) being spun (high as a kite) all week and he is definitely not a functioning addict. I kept having to wake him up – when you OD yourself on meth, especially shooting it (using needles), you can be so high you fall asleep. That is actually the extent of a meth OD unless you have a heart attack or stroke but for whatever reason is isn’t considered an overdose then, probably because that can happen anytime you use an upper not just in cases of OD. I actually lost a decent friend from a heart attack after using methamphetamine – he snorted it which that and shooting it you’re more likely and able to OD whereas smoking it you can’t really, I couldn’t see how at least. Anyway dude was having to be woken up and he was telling the bosses that he was hearing voices so I took him to get an energy drink on break and tell him he was making it really apparent he was high. I think the energy drink helped wake him up that day but he went home early and I’m pretty sure lost his job anyway since it was the second time leaving early because of the same issue. It kind of blows my mind how it isn’t apparent to sober people, well normal (non-addict) sober people at least, when someone is spun out of their minds. This guy is literally telling people he’s hearing voices (people talking shit apparently) and pointing to the ceiling when asked from where and not sent home or to do a UA?! But I guess there are people, like myself, with schizophrenia (mines mixed with bipolar so scizoaffective disorder rather) who hear voices when not on medication so they can’t necessarily judge from that alone. Still he was obviously spun for the entire week and asking me aloud, and I mean loudly aloud, if he seemed spun and then if I thought he was high because of his track marks being visible the day before, again loudly for the entire table to hear. Boggles the mind. It also made me question if I’m really functioning when I use or just believe so myself, but then I realized I went more than a year without anyone being the wiser and only gave myself away by pulling my shirt sleeves up too high one day and then that only gave away my heroin use. I never knew people shot meth until I did so myself though so I understand why that wasn’t apparent.

So my week consisted of sleeping, working, and babysitting a meth user.

I feel pretty okay, no depression, yet and hopefully not to come. I’m still craving and haven’t gone a day without planning my next relapse. I’ve got UAs to take that have kept actually relapsing at bay but I don’t know about afterwards. I know I need to stay clean, but I really don’t WANT to. That, I do believe, is the problem, I may not be ready to quit yet and until I am its not going to stick, I know that is true at least of me. I SHOULD be ready, I NEED to be ready, I HAVE EVERY REASON to be ready, I WANT to be ready, I just don’t think I am yet. Where my bottom is is beyond me because I’ve been SO LOW in life, I lost my kids which was devastating and demoralizing to say the least, because of using so why wasn’t that enough – that actually got me to get higher… But NOW I have my head about me – medicated for my scizoaffective disorder and sober the majority of the time – AND I WANT MY LIFE BETTER. Plus getting my youngest back, since I’ve been able to get my oldest back already but could lose that at any time with using, is based on my sobriety. I’m able to lie my way through all that and bullshit my UA results and stay in compliance with treatment even while using… Not benefiting me at all and, again, it won’t until I am ready to quit. So I am currently trying to get myself to the point where I am ready to quit NOW and stay quit.

I don’t want to. At all. But I do. Go figure that out, eh? I’m sure trying to.

Just keep swimming swimming swimming… What do we do we swim, swim, swim…