Posted in a few blocks in my converse

Don’t let em see you sweat

I’ll be okay just not today .
Photo Credit : Aleksandar Pasaric https://www.pexels.com/@apasaric

It hurts but it / he always has and with it over it will eventually stop hurting , finally , right ?

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, reblog, recovery

reblog :: 06.08.19 – reading in recovery : today’s gift

from Hazeldon Betty Ford Foundation.

reblogged from christophermturner
check out his site MY LIFE AND OTHER SORDID TALES

Saturday, June 8, 2019

Today’s Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts. — Rachel Carson

Beauty is everywhere. It is in the daisies, in the lavender wildflowers, in the new green grass of spring. As we walk through life, noticing such beauty strengthens us. It reminds us of the spiritual creative force alive in this world. On better days, we can feel our own creativity gaining power from such beauty. On harder days, nature’s sunset can help us step out of our suffering for a moment to be comforted and inspired by its splendor.

Even storms, in their wild and angry way, show us a power greater than ourselves. Such awesome beauty is beyond our understanding, and yet it is part of the earth we live on.

What lessons will nature teach me today?

clean.dopefiend: I needed to be reminded that 1. I’m not alone and
2. continuing to try again and again is the making of success. I know I’ll get there, I wish I wasn’t making it so hard on myself.
and 3. finding the beauty in life is a positive step toward healing.
Today I will take my daughter out to walk in the rain and appreciate the purity and beauty of the earth being washed anew. We will intentionally seek out three positive takeaways from the experience that we wouldn’t and likely couldn’t have learned if we’d stayed inside.

Posted in Uncategorized

my errant muse

Writing ideas: in 1 paragraph, if a stubbed little toe could tell the rest of your body what it was feeling what would it say?If you only had 1 sentence to speak to your 8 year old self what would it be?If you had to make up 1 reason to hate dolphins what would it be?Really short writing can take your brain into weird places you’d never have got to without it, but if you end up penning a best seller can I get my name in the credits?

Jake, the stubbed little toe, wants to convey his sincerest confusion as to how, with the protection of the entire foot and the buffer of his four neighboring piggies, the “large-headed brain” managed to make contact with the stair, through what must have been a very awkward movement, in such a way that caused him to receive the entire wallop himself with no one else even jostled.

Jake had this to say, “I feel targeted. I don’t know what I did to get on their radar! I can’t even fit in my side-toe crevice, I’m too swollen. Don’t look…look what they did to me, the madness! the horror!”

“Love yourself, you are a rad person, and learn from your mistakes, but make them, they give you character.”

And yes, of course, WHEN I pen that bestseller!

Posted in recovery

0.nineteen – feelings…no thanks!

I think at some point I said I wanted to feel things now. That I was ready to feel for real. . .
I take it back.
I don’t want to feel.

I broke down yesterday over my situation with my youngest, Hope, and how I never get to see her. I just lost it.
Alex says to think of it as growth and remember that it won’t be like this or feel like this forever.
I, on the other hand, liked being able to just deal with it without internalizing it and without that gut wrenching ache in my stomach. I felt sick all last night. All I want to do is sleep now that I’m not fully hibernating I think I’m hitting depression. I don’t want to deal. I want to hide.

I’ve got nothing positive right now. I want to use. It makes life so much easier for the moment, I realize not in the long run and is actually the cause and continued issue in the problem I am running from my feelings about.

So, I’m not taking the easy way out right now. I’m going to suck it up and stay sober today. At this moment. Right now. I am staying sober. I got through last night and I don’t feel as overwhelmingly sad/upset/ugh today.

Just for today, one day at a time, I’m staying clean.

Posted in recovery

0.seventeen – whimsically wandering

My mind is in a positive swirl of colors today.
It is a weird surreal unbalance to be in.
I don’t feel bad, at all, I feel really good but not correct.

Oh well, I enjoy colorful days on occasion, I think it is a way for my mind to breath outside the medications a little bit. I feel expanded.

I went to a meeting on Wednesday and it was amazing.
I was welcomed back with literal open arms and so much joy and fellowship at The Fellowship.
I love this meeting hall above any I’ve been to, it is like going home.
I didn’t get to NA as I planned this week, my sleeping interfered with waking back up at noon after getting home and to bed at 9 am.
But I will, soon, and I’m excited to.

AA 15.15.19
Meeting One:

Know God,
know peace.
No God, I want to know God again.
no peace. I can’t seem to find him, yet.

*Haven’t honestly given myself to this simple program until now. Was constantly dishonest – didn’t seem to have the capacity to be honest, honestly I wasn’t ready to quit for good and therefore not ready for help.*

Live         Easy        Butfor          Think…     ..First

andLet     Does      theGrace          Think         Things

Live           It            ofGod           …Think        First

I am responsible….
When anyone, anywhere
reaches out for help, I want
the hand of A.A. always to be there
and for that: I am responsible.

Make the doorknob your god [higher power].” (Click for an article that is a great read)

Stop and start our day over whenever we want to.

“People gonna be people and people gonna do things” – Gerald’s mama.
*Can’t control what people do/say – take what you need and put the rest on the back burner*

programmed self to do certain things in our addiction. AA programs you to change your life – IF you WANT to.

“I got to tell someone something good to change their life. Rather than how to jack, steal, junp, rob, etc. Something GOOD to CHANGE their life..”

Resentments: must forgive to be forgiven

“Enjoying Me.
finding peace in A.A., with God, in life, with self” – D

+No peace always chaos, all these things were happening to me – I did them to myself.
you can’t forget your past, but you don’t have to live it everyday.
wow – I did that: homelessness, brown paper sack, didn’t know how I was gonna pay my phone bill, jail… but A.A. brought me out+ – John

“Such a know it all, you couldn’t tell me shit. I know it all!
Surrender & powerlessness.
I could remove alcohol and drugs and I was still a turd; I have to work at being a good person.
Pride – know it all
but I really don’t know shit
Started reading for real this time and at page 8 hit a word I didn’t know – it was humbling
To find God (hardest part for me) had to have my mind open and heart open to form a relationship and get perspective on it.
Went to church because I was intrigued they had something I didn’t, they were happy, at least on Sundays, when they sang they sang. I tried to figure it out and as for the definition of faith and was told you can’t “figure it out” it is something you feel.” – Steve

The ability to adapt to different situations – learned through A.A.

[faith – believing in something unseen. Mind starts changing. -Gerald]

Before ignored “as we understood Him” just shut down “God.”
*I was in my feelings*

“Sticks and stones…” is what we were taught
Bullshit! Words don’t go away
Bruises and breaks heal Words make people
jump off bridges, drink,
etc.

I SHARED!!! I admitted my last 7 or 8 month relapsing and that this was my first time back in the rooms sober since.
I was told keep to keep coming back as is the A.A. way.
What matters is how I proceed to move forward my life forward.
Stop and start day over, as needed.
Gerald said he knew I’d fallen off but “We don’t shoot our wounded. These rooms is like a hospital – come here receive treatment” as to why he didn’t call me on it.

Lastly, you MAD but the person you mad about already went on about their business and forgot about you and whatever they did/said that you are letting mess up your day.

It was a good meeting.

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.sixteen – secrets

My boost in energy the past few days, which I think was due to my wonky work schedule, has come an end.
At work today I heard an awesome song that has so many great lines. I feel like she’s telling my story and my change in attitude from constantly worrying about what other people thought of me to admitting my worst character defects and shortcomings and mistakes publicly without any worry of judgement because it makes no difference in my life anymore. I love me the entire enchilada, unattractive qualities and all (although I am willing to work on them for the betterment of my happiness in life). I love that I am finding really phenomenal writing about the situations and feelings I have experienced throughout my life; it helps give me perspective and is relieving to know I am not alone in my struggle. It is bittersweet and tugs at my heartstrings.
Here, enjoy:

I’ve got bi-polar disorder
My shit’s not in order
I’m overweight
I’m always late
I’ve got too many things to say
I rock mom jeans, cat earrings
Extrapolate my feelings
My family is dysfunctional
But we have a good time killing each other

They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what

I can’t think straight, I’m so gay
Sometimes I cry a whole day
I care a lot, use an analog clock
And never know when to stop
And I’m passive, aggressive
I’m scared of the dark and the dentist
I love my butt and won’t shut up
And I never really grew up

They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are), secrets are
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are), secrets are
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o (what)

Mary Lambert, Secrets
Posted in Uncategorized

mommy’s girls

My girls have been through so much turmoil in the past few years because of my poor choices and addiction. Still today I was amazed, touched, and reminded of what is truly important when I read the inscriptions on their cards they gave me.

Hope, 7:

Happy Mother’s Day

Mom

You are as pretty as a tulip

Mom

You are as nice as a queen

Mom

You take care of me

Mom

I love you so much

Mom

Super amazing

Extraordinary

So awesome

Just so nice

I love you

Always together forever

Cool

Hope, 7
she chose all the words and phrases
The poem she chose adj, verbs, and nouns to fill in

I was so touched and elated, and surprised. I rarely get to see her and was worried that she was growing away from me but how excited she was about the phrases and words she used to describe me showed me our bond is as strong, maybe even stronger, as it always was. This little girl makes me so happy, her exuberance for life is inspiring.

Riley, 12:

Some people love making other people happy –
they’re called Moms.
You’re the kind of mom
Who makes this world
A better place
Just by being
The loving person
You are.
Happy Mothers Day

The inscription on the card she picked out
It is covered in flutterbies [butterflies] which we both love

You are the absolute best in my eyes!
I love you!

Riley, 12
her personal message

This sweet, strong, beautiful child makes me so proud. She admits, I knew it had been so I asked once it had passed, she hated me for the first year after all the upheaval happened in our lives because she was hearing horrible things about me regularly. Our bond and connection now is even more unbreakable than ever for it. She’s my mini-me and just makes this world a better place to live in.

I am such a lucky mom. My children have forgiven me and never stopped loving me (Riley only hated me because she was hurt by me, her mom, and that is all out of love) even though I messed up so big time. I don’t tell my kids everything but I admit my mistakes in age appropriate ways and make sure they never forget that they are my favorite part of life.

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs

Emotionally obtuse, me? It


I feel my feels and when I’m ready… I dust myself off and step back in the ring a little more prepared.

Max robes, jesscape.com

Until just recently I hadn’t heard that saying to “feel your feels [feelings]” and I overheard my daughter, Riley, telling her boyfriend that she understood that that was what he was doing and my amazing 12 year old empowered her counterpart to do so however he needed and she would be there for him. My girl is showing empathy! There are a lot of other emotions and hormonal scatterbrain going on in her preteen years so for her to be learning and embracing the complexities of empathy is impressive. She was unaware of the word or action and we had a great discussion on it and her usage and my pride in her last night.

I would say I “struggle” with empathy but that is a lie I know how to be empathetic I would just rather cut the cord of bullshit and get down to the brass tact of the issue. I teach my kids empathy, I know it is important in being a good person to be empathetic, I often am empathetic to an extent but, what is the saying, those who can’t do, teach? Joking, joking. I just have no appetite for listening to someone knowingly lie to themselves to feel better in a situation where they were wrong and know it but are expecting support for their delusions. I’ll admit, some people are further down the rabbit hole of deluding themselves and may not realize when they are in the wrong, those who are the perpetual victim.

But, this is not about them, and that is the heart of the problem with my no nonsense approach to analyzing and/or “helping” in situations (when I’m asked to, I no longer just throw my two cents around except sometimes with coworkers), I’m not sensitive to the other person’s self-denial. I also don’t like to be bullshitted. I can and do bullshit my way around some situations in life that I don’t feel like dealing with but that doesn’t bring about resolution it just placates my ego. It is likely that more often than not I am making a true ass out of myself in talking circuitously instead of taking responsibility and people are just unwilling to call me out on it. So that is what I do for the betterment of everyone.

I would love (and hate in the moment as has been the case) if people would call me on my bullshit. One of my favorite people in the world is my dad and good, bad, or indifferent he has taught me the art of bullshitting; he is also the person I can trust to not play into my self-denial and will call me on the carpet every time. That I love! That I need! So that is also what I do, not always, I know when someone is not ready for self-actualization and don’t push it but I try to make it understood that we can be honest and have a real discussion, no judgement.

Empathy is about the other person, I know, and I am not being selfless as is needed to hone this interpersonal skill but I also know (ego! alert) I am making a positive difference. Yeah I can’t bullshit myself, my dad believes I am a sociopath and I tend to agree I have some tendencies leaning that direction, many people prefer to stay deluded and just be agreed with which is their right so long as they don’t ask my advice.

My aunt Demi is a beautiful, kindhearted train wreck. When we first got back into contact regularly a few months back she learned quickly and brutally that I wouldn’t cosign her bullshit. She still tries it with me and come to find out she doesn’t always see her fault (so she says) and I help her see, so see I’m helping. I’m cynical because I know that I know when I’m wrong even if I will steadfastly play the role of the victim. I do also forget that other people’s minds don’t work the same as mine, as mine doesn’t work the same as other people’s all the time.

My boyfriend has a buddy that will cosign ALL his bullshit and then write another check and it is sickening to witness. When he asked if it was okay that he was planning to ghost me after three years ol’ boy said with all he had done for me over that time it was perfectly understandable and he was the good person in the situation and always had been. Alex talks to him a lot less after I pointed it out because that is not a friend, that is an enabler.

I stayed in self-denial about my fault in losing my girls and still sometimes forget to remember my part. My dad kept me honest throughout though and let me hide in my bullshit only after I admitted my responsibility. That is love and true friendship to me.

So this is a bit of a character defect, or is it? I think it’s on the fence because my intentions are good in wanting to help someone get to the crutch of the issue but a bit selfish in not allowing them to decide when to process their own bullshit. Really if they ask I think it is my right to give my honest opinion but is it right?

I’ve only had a few truly devastating and traumatic situations in my life so I only know from those that I prefer tough love and brutal honesty to commiseration. I also don’t process all emotions. Until today I could not wrap my brain around anger, it just seemed nonsensical and counterproductive to a positive outcome but after reading the reasoning for a person’s experience of anger earlier I gained a bit of understanding as to why people get angry.

Always learning. I realize empathy can be used for sharing all different feelings and emotions through another person’s experience with them. I am just ranting about the enabling kind with a specific kind of people that I have run into a lot throughout life so it seems common and hopefully is relatable. It could also speak to the company I’ve always kept!

My character defects: bullshitting, lying, avoidance, selfishness, pride, ego, manipulation, self-aggrandizing, impatience,







Posted in recovery

0.eleven – i am me, happily

I don’t want to change the world.
I have no expectation of great fame or fortune in my life.
I just want my piece of the world happy and content and to be the best me I can be.
I don’t want to climb mountains.
Often I don’t want to venture outdoors.
I find enjoyment in ideas, in concepts of the mind.
I don’t have great expectations and oft lack motivation.
I don’t want to run marathons, or really put out much effort.
I just want life to include happiness, contentment, and love.
I want to be unburdened by my active addiction.
I am ready and willing to recover, wholeheartedly.
I accept the zombie, she’s introspective and sweet.
I’m done fighting myself on all fronts and healthy and clean is my aim.
I cannot forget to keep purpose and direction in the forefront of my mind.

Positive affirmation for this lovely Saturday:
I am the best mom I can be and my girls love me unconditionally.

Strength to be happily me.

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.

eleanor roosevelt

I am shaking this monkey off my back one day and one step at a time.
I am all in.

Posted in recovery

I AM YOUR DISEASE

I Am Your Disease

You know who I am, you’ve called me your friend,
Wishes of misery and heartache I send,
I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees,
I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease.

I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul,
I’ll become your new master, in total control,
I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game,
Till your entire existence is crippled with shame.

When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise,
Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise,
But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared,
I’ll only want to hurt you, with no mercy spared.

If you have your own family, I will see it destroyed,
I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed,
I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please,
I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease.

I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell,
I’ll sweep through heaven, then drop you in hell,
I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go,
And then when I catch you, you won’t even know.

I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike,
What’s yours becomes mine, cause I take what I like.
I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees,
I’m your constant companion… I am your disease.

If you have any honour, I’ll strip it away,
You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray,
I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare,
I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care.

So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime,
I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time,
I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of ease,
I’m that madman inside you… I am your disease.

But today I’m real angry… you want to know why?
I let this treatment centre full of Addicts entirely slip by,
How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong?
One minute I had you… the next you were gone.

You can’t just dismiss all the good times we’ve shared,
When you were alone… wasn’t it I who appeared?
When you sold those possessions you knew you would need,
Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed?

Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear,
You escaped with your lives when you found your way here,
Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat,
It’s what you must say when you’re claiming your seat.

Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose,
But, I’m not giving up cause I can’t stand to lose.
So stand in your groups and support hand in hand,
Better choices will save you… leaving me damned.

Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week,
Be damned inner strength, however unique,
Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches,
Be damned every Addict, who back to me strays.

For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before,
Those who love misery will crawl back for more.
So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here,
But next time around, you’d just better beware.

You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time,
There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb.
Well if that’s what you’re thinking, you ain’t learned a thing,
I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring.

But you say you surrendered, so what can I do?
It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you,
Creating your nightmare for me was a dream,
I’m sure gonna miss you… we made quite a team.

So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you,
I’ll stand by your side watching all that you do,
I’m ready and waiting so call if you please,
I won’t let you forget me… I am your disease.

-Unknown

I am so impressed. I wish there was someone to credit its creation to.
No more writing for me, I’m not going to follow that up.
The author is spot on, though!

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, reblog, recovery

reblog: I Grieve For My Madness — Emma Scarr


I grieve for my Madness Now it’s so calm and still Everything’s so dull compared to When I was ill…

I Grieve For My Madness — Emma Scarr

There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar levant

I was diagnosed schizophrenic and bipolar 1, combined creating my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I have used drugs to self medicate when I was not fully diagnosed and unable to continue getting the medications I had been on for years. The last time I got sober I had a few psychotic episodes that ended me up in a psychiatric ward for a couple weeks once and a months time the next. Then I got started on a hefty dose of medications. Emma’s poem puts into words perfectly what I’m struggling with staying on my medication and in sobriety. Life is different and my personality is very neutral, I lose my emotions and it takes enormous effort to feel for, toward, about anything. I’ve been told that maybe I should reduce my medications but they’re set to keep my symptoms at bay and less creates more symptoms. I honestly don’t mind most of them, enjoy some even, but I become misunderstood and too much for the people close to me. So I take my medications.
When I use I don’t take my medications. Methamphetamine calms the chaos and keeps me centered. It is like being on medication but still having energy, light, feelings, being.
I can’t and don’t want to keep using though so I have to figure out how to overcome the downer of being medicated in a healthy way. I’m still trying to figure that one out.
This poem describes a big part of my struggle.

I grieve for my madness
Now it’s so calm and still
Everything’s so dull compared to 
When I was ill
 
I saw vibrant colours 
Each subtle shade of green 
Took my crazy breath away 
In a psychedelic dream
 
I could love a man so deeply
I wouldn’t let him rest
I tried to melt right into him 
To climb inside his chest
 
I was never bored
It never stopped at all
My head was a pinball machine 
My thoughts the silver balls
 
I wrote ten million words, I cried ten million tears
I rode the rollercoaster, for thirty manic years
 
But that overwhelming beauty
In the forest and the town
Turned to Earthly terror
On the turn around
 
And the men I had all left me
They didn’t want that love
I was “too intense” 
And they could never be enough
 
And it had to end sometime
You can’t go on like that..
It just seems a little boring
It just feels a little flat
 
So I’ll mourn my insanity 
But I will let it go
And embrace reality
Although it’s rather slow

Emma scarr, I grieve for my madness


It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.


Philip K. Dick , Valis
Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.one mayday! mayday!

Going down!

Well, coming down, hard.

I decided to finish off the last of what I had cause I’m a sucker for punishment. It ended up going through Monday night. Then, to show me just how idiotic that was, I slept through my alarms Tuesday and missed work. So, yet another reason to not pick up again – I want this job and using is fucking that up. In order to function I either have to go back to regular, moderate using or quit, I can’t keep trying to play this binge and purge shit.

I WANT TO QUIT. SO I AM QUIT!

Tuesday I spent the day sleeping. Last night I didn’t take my medication so I wouldn’t sleep through my alarms again and so today I am not asleep per usual after stopping using and I am in an intense amount of pain. Everything hurts. I was sick to my stomach and dehydrated all day at work but made it through, barely. My ears hurt, my lips hurt, my throat, my head, my feet, my fingers everything is lacking fluids and swollen with a pins and needles feeling. I want to feel this so I can remember how not worth it it is to pick up again. Usually I’d just sleep through this part with my medications knocking me out and letting my body recuperate silently but I don’t want to do the week to two week knockout.

I will take my medications tonight but only half of my sleep med so I’m not down for the count and missing calling my girls tomorrow night. I want to get through this awake because I have plans with Riley and Hope this weekend and I’m not screwing it up because I fucked up and used AGAIN. I need to do better. So I will.

I’m too much of a wimp to keep suffering though, since I can kick the withdrawals by getting back on track with my medications, which I need to do anyway, I’m going to. Now actually.

I want to create a template of sorts for a daily check-in that I can use to give an update on my sobriety on the regular and either incorporate it into my focus that day or have it separate from my post as an aside… Any ideas? I’m going to start brainstorming.

Thanks for checking in on me! I wanted to give an update and my brain is pretty mushy so hang in there with me and I’ll get back to rockin’ and rollin’ in my sobriety as we take this adventure!

Last thing: I feel differently about my sobriety this time. I am thinking of so many reasons why I want it and feeling really positive and fulfilled when envisioning my quality of life sober for the long haul. I’m ready for some real change in my attitude and behavior to better myself and my life. I feel ready now. I feel empowered. I can and am doing this.

The time has come.
It’s for the best, I know it.

Posted in reblog

rebLog: She Doesn’t Date — Emma Scarr ..I can relate-cdf

I am so impressed by the creative brilliance I stumbled upon and I want to share this incredible voice and artistry with you.


“She doesn’t date
Or look for a mate
She ducks romance
With a polite “No Thanks”
 
She’s learnt to avoid
The promise of joy
From nice looking men
She’ll not go there again
 
If one sends  a text
That boldly suggests
Meeting up for a beer
She steers well clear
 
She loves her home
Likes living alone
No emotional mess
Drama or stress
 
Yes, sometimes she’s weak
And remembers the treat
Of a cuddle and kiss
But she knows to resist
 
‘Cos when she falls she falls so deep
She cannot eat she cannot sleep
She will worry she’ll obsess
She’ll be a total fucking mess
Constantly she’ll want him near
Cling on to him with all her fear
Make him say he’ll never leave
Love him ‘til he cannot breathe
 
OH MY GOD HE HASN’T RUNG!!
WHY DOES HE HATE ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF TEST?
OH WHATEVER HE ASKS I’LL SAY “YES”
 
And when she gets into that place
It’s a long climb back to somewhere safe
And still the voices call her down
Back into the stinking ground
 
So she doesn’t date
Or look for a mate
She ducks  romance
With a polite “No Thanks””

Emma Scarr, She Doesn’t Date

I find this poem incredibly relatable and honest. The cadence in “She Doesn’t Date” gives it a bouncy upbeat quirkiness that complements the poem’s voice (speaks to the tone, diction, sound patterns and rhythm) which, I believe, embodies confidence and individuality.
This is exactly what I need to remember if/when I am single again. It takes a lot of self-awareness and confidence to be and stay single happily. The reasoning behind staying single in this poem is my downfall in relationships and identifying that is personal growth for me. Admitting it is also.
I hope you enjoy this and please click and visit Emma Scarr’s website (below, click “EMMA SCARR”) to support this amazing blogger. Make sure to like her poem’s post (also linked below, click “She Doesn’t Date – Emma Scarr”)

Emma Scarr

She doesn’t date Or look for a mate She ducks romance With a polite “No Thanks…”

She Doesn’t Date — Emma Scarr
Posted in recovery, relapse

page 1 – tell / page 2 – show

Watching a new (new to me) show Crazy Ex Girlfriend and it is full of really poignant life lessons and introspective realizations while still being lighthearted and hilarious. I have a love-hate relationship with the main character and the story-line is my worst nightmare come true and biggest insecurity in my own relationship so it is a bit torturous but I am loving it. It is weirdly awesome to be rooting against the protagonist, the writer’s really do an amazing job. I’m happy to have a new show to binge on, I need the distraction from my own failings for the weekend.

Face it.

Might as well type out what I’m doing: I’m having a tug-of-war about in my head while I keep my fingers resting on the keyboard awaiting my indecision. I can keep deleting my admission and rewording it to make myself feel better, more justified – there is no justification but I’ve decided that I have stopped deleting so I can’t take back the… I don’t need any justification, there is none, I don’t want one, I screwed up. Yeah keep going whatever you think just type it.

Wow this is harder than I thought, I figured I’d be able to just stop thinking and win out that way but instead I’m causing a backup of words that I slowly type -lost it, I NEED to correct grammar and spelling but that will be my only excuse for delete. Ignoring the grammar there so I can move on.

Here is what I’m going to do. I’m going to thought-write. What I think I will type. I’m high. So that is why I’m trying to not allow myself to avoid admitting my relapse by (yep in my head I’m pausing my thoughts to pick the right ones, should do that more often) I want to delete the whole block and start anew. It wouldn’t be, I’m cheating and leaving out filler anyway; nope, just not listening to it, that is interesting. My thoughts are attacking and I am not allowing them through. We do control our thoughts if we choose to. And I can reread slowly and stop the train.

Now I’m repeating the words on the screen over and over so I can regroup.

Be real.

Eyes. Mine hurt. It is my own fault. I don’t feel good. Again my own fault. I think – if I can get this out and actually publish it/keep it…if I can be honest- I can come back to this and remind myself how it is every time I use, the shame and regret.

I already know some of the things I need to do differently that I am avoiding – delete Mick’s number (from all the places I’ve hidden it so I’d always have it somewhere if I deleted it…that one’s a ridiculous catch-22), throw out what I have left rather than finishing it (I ALWAYS finish what I get so maybe it’ll help to break that cycle, but will I? do I really want to? I do and I don’t.), man up and make the right choices (don’t allow myself excuses), get help, set a routine and stick by it, and keep being real about it because this is helping.

I feel like I’m going to seem full of shit about wanting to be clean if I admit my relapses, especially since I’m barely getting past 20 days on these first documented attempts, but that is just it isn’t it, some part of me must be. I am past the wanting to want it, I do want it, yesterday! I’m going to post this so that I will and then I’m going to write myself some reminders on my high brain even knowing this is not what I want.

A huge part of what keeps me sane is that I know I’m going to get past this. I am going to stay clean. There is an end to my suffering in sight and I can do it, I just need to keep at it with genuine intentions. I want change in my life. I’m scared as shit. Of what, I don’t know.

PAGE 2

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.21 – BE now : aspire FOR tomorrow


Prepare for your my future?

 

    Lately, I have been planning (and failing to accomplish) small weekly goals and setting a task to achieve daily (blogging every day! I will get there) to feel myself progressing. While I have yet to reach any of my goals to their fulfillment making them has kept me motivated and constantly thinking creatively; the fact that I am continuing to pursue blogging is proof of that reserved determination. So, I figure, since I’m already so far ahead of the curve, I might as well get even more ambitious and set out a path – barebones rough outline to expand upon in time – to follow toward a my purpose. My logic is senseless and I do so enjoy it as such; it keeps my chaos a tad more organized.

     

   What got me on the idea of sketching out an outline of my way from here to there, there being my intention, my plan, my best outcome, is the topic above being asked of us at treatment today. I got on a roll and it got me amped! I’m also all over the place in regards to my timeline’s synchronicity so that will balance out as our ideas mature along the journey. So here is the synopsis of what I set out to Get ‘er done! in the next 10 years. Remember! it is my first draft of my second first draft:


=_= first time in my life that I am setting long term goals and I’m writing them down 2x now! was scared of goals because they meant effort and the ability to fail. now i’m excited to keep on trying until I thrive. and not stop there. =_+

 

Where do I see myself in 1 year.
  5 years. 10 years.? 


+In 1 month I get my court case dismissed after completing two years of probation so for the next thirty days no shenanigans for sure I want those charges disappeared!
+Over the next couple of months I’m going to be working my most workiest so that the company I’m temping for will hire me on full time (they’ve already brought it up as an idea – yeah they came to me so that rocked) or I’ll take part-time as an ACTUAL employee.wink
+Within 3 months I’d like to have earned 100 followers to this blog I be’s a writing AND get my car all up to snuff serviced to be on point for the next while.
**some ideas to get it so** 
–oil and filter change
–replace spark plugs
–replace any other filters and replenish fluids
–brakes done
–alignment aligned 
((ideas are welcome I know exactly ^that^ much about what I need to do to maintain my car))
+By my daughter’s 8th birthday in August, about 4 months away, I will have worked with an attorney to have gotten my visits on track with Hope. -hopefully it will be every other weekend by then-
+At 6 months I would like to have enough money saved up that I can feasibly put aside enough monthly to be in the position to live on my own. Not that I will but that I will be ABLE to.
+A year from now I plan to be petitioning the courts for more time with my daughters – an extra afterschool overnight per week or every other, I’m thinking.
+In 5 years time I will have both my girls full time again (as long as that is the choice they want still) and we’ll live in a one-story three bedroom home. The kids will share rooms with their respective sexes (if it’s still the 6 of us); the house will be big enough for comfort but cozy with affection. There is the likely possibility of a yard and one, or two, dogs. +Riley will be on her way out of the nest in just 6 years!+
+When I am 43 in TEN years I will have begun and succeeded in paying off my student loans and the credit card debt left to me from my exes. I will be debt free!


A few extras

  • In 5 years this – the hardships to endure in the aftermath of my addiction – will all be a distant memory.
  • Next few weeks ~ diet change :_: breakFast < protein shakes w.Collagen supplement / lunch < fruit smoothies w.Creatine and fat burner supplements / weaning off of NOS and adding in more water / dinner < meat size of my fist, two fistfulls of veggies, over rice
  • Over the following few months ~ eXercise regimen :_: one@ctivity every other day for 30 minutes ie. yoga, walking, jogging, swimming, etc.
  • As things continue to progress I want to eventually create my own website for my blog!
  • To get my “storagerooms cleared out I will take ONE box fill it with junk to get rid of or donate and do so ONCE a week until complete.


So tAdA!
I have more purpose.

“He who has a why to live for
can bear almost any how.”
friedrich nietzsche

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.19 – toxicity is in the air.

Eeeek!
8 days I have let lapse without an update anywhere.
My bad! Have faith I will get better the more sober I get.
I am still sober.
I feel like I’ve lost my creative thinking part of my brain. My brain feels a bit mushy the past week.
I almost picked up today. If it hadn’t been for overtime at work I might have. I’m struggling to feel awake and motivated. I do great at work but just in life outside of work I’m blah.

My boyfriend has been looking at porn chicks – not porn videos but the actual chicks and something about dating… 😦 – so I’m feeling not so awesome about my lack of ANY sex drive. I’m going to try my best to at least fake the funk and get intimate tonight. I still feel like he’s doing something treacherous and I’ve been sleeping while he’s been off doing whatever with his location turned off so I’m in the dark. Snooping only gets you so far when you’re trying to be as unsnoopy while snooping by just checking his accounts and not putting something on his phone to give me all the info. I’m trying to stay away from it all together but like quitting drugs its a process and I’m making good baby steps. I went all week without even checking ANYTHING so I wasn’t even doing that while I’ve been MIA!!

So I took a short interlude to chat with my Riley and my mister on the phone. Ri needed to do homework so it was a short and sweet conversation. Alex is sitting at the laundromat (he went after me which was weird but …. yeah) and we got to chatting about things. It came about that I felt sometimes that I am holding him back with my fucking up and still struggling with addiction self and that I feel selfish, sometimes, for not letting him go. Well I wasn’t looking for reassurance of him wanting to be with me, I was being honest and wanted to know his take. I no longer like that I did that. He feels that it would be healthier for us both if we split. DAMN IT! Let me be completely honest, I knew that was how he felt I just didn’t like the confirmation. We’ve been together three years and I want a lifetime with him but he’s been carrying me this entire time and I’ve just failed over and over. I suspect there may be someone else but that also might be me trying to make myself feel better that it isn’t ME when in fact it is me.
The last thing I can handle right now is a break up. I have no place to go and not enough money to live. I’d not be able to have Riley every weekend because I’d be living in my car… And I adore this man. Probably part of the issue is that I have always been more into him than he to me (except at the very beginning of this whirlwind) and I’ve not been shy about saying so or showing it. People need that intrigue factor and he’s kept up mine by being super evasive and never 100% committal. I feel like since he knew he had me he’s not wanted me but has been stuck with me. I’m a burden on him. And I still have to muster up some sexy-time desire tonight — fuck (no pun)!!
I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.
I know he won’t kick me out and he’ll keep pretending for me for now, okay I think this because it has apparently been what he has been doing but he did just get honest about that so FREAKING OUT. He does love me but I think not in an in love with and want to spend life with and more in a pitiful feeling sorry for me way.

Another interlude.
Asked for clarification – I know how much more clear can he be – and he says that he wants to be with me but knows it’d be healthier if he pursued life as an individual to learn to be good with himself and grow that way. I call bullshit. He was doing just that when I met him and had been for a few years at least and he is very sure of himself. People can grow individually in a relationship and I said as much and he agreed and pretty much said he just needed to be able to do his alone time stuff without all the suspicion from me. He will sit in his car for hours and according to him listen to music and podcasts. I’ve done it with him and he fell asleep which he says is often the case. And he won’t stay parked in our parking area for our apartment he goes to Wal-Mart or various parking areas or he’ll say he’s eating at Subway right by this hotel and be there for over an hour. I’d think if he wanted to listen to his tunes or whatnot it would be just as feasible to do here and especially not in suspect places.
I’ve been worried he’s been picking up hookers since well he picked me up when I was one and his suspicious behavior since… always, I’m realizing this has been since we moved into our apartment in August 2016 after 3 months in hotels (where he was all about me and courting me and unsure of my feelings) that he gave me reason to question what he was doing. I do have to admit a lot of my “gut feelings” likely had to do with the methamphetamine coursing non-stop through my system for the first year but when I was sober before….then he got caught talking to another woman behind my back about admittedly inappropriate stuff….so maybe it was more reality cause it was him who made me feel like I was gone-crazy and that was why I had found stuff while snooping or heard things that I’d recorded. Okay stopping this rabbit hole that I’m starting to go down.
I’ll come back to that eventually but can’t handle too much reality and honesty right now.
Hopefully I will forget it and not concern myself with worrying over the patterns of behavior yet I should probably open my eyes a bit and quit pretending like he’s been so perfect and great to me. I love him, I do adore him, I just know that I’m no crazy person and the dots connect when I’m sober too.
So back to… oh right we had a conversation and he made it clear he hadn’t said he didn’t want to be with me now but the healthy aspect was a FACT. Oh well. I’m suddenly not so concerned with that. Other than believing that he has a person he is hiding in his life who is likely to be female more strongly, his statement is not news if I’m being honest with myself. Also he likes to throw around things like that when I’m starting to feel comfortable in our relationship and getting back on my feet. He did remind me that a couple years ago he was done but couldn’t just see me with nowhere to go and leave me like that. So there is that pity I was talking about.
Damn, I’m just continually getting off track now since I’m feeling emotionally flustered and upset. My bad!
We talked.
He got me to shower with him.
We got freaky.
And then he admits to the porn, kinda. I can legit see what he’s looked at and watched and he’s holding back some important info. Like the teen aspect. Um not cool. He even thinks a story line about a guy faking out chicks with an acting gig to get a “porn star” to fuck on camera is something real rather than a planned and acted out set up… so teens? Does he believe they’re not 18 (which yes, I know they are) cause that would be gross. He had some story for why he looked up the porn to begin with and it sounded like bullshit too.
Ugh.
Ugh.
ugh.
I’m wishing I had just stayed asleep and not opened my computer up today.
Life on life’s terms right?
And if I didn’t want to know what he’s actually up to I could just not look. Can’t really be upset when I don’t like what I see, as much as I wish I’d find something romantic planned for us I’m not an idiot, there is a reason I’m even taking the time to look.
Funny he has told me that “of course I will find something if I snoop” but that shouldn’t be the case. If he snooped my shit he’d find nothing that would make him wonder what I was doing.
Ai yai yai.
I really wanted to enjoy tonight but alas revelations have soured my stomach and made the amazing lovemaking we had shared tonight feel really hollow.
I want to slap myself and remind me that my focus needs to stay focused because this nonsense of his is what got me back on this path when I’d been doing so well to avoid the shit. I’m feeling the emotions this time and they’re uncomfortable and my brain won’t stop whirring with the worst scenarios.

Thanks for listening to me. I needed someone to just hear me, I think. I feel like I shutdown the roller coaster ride I started on pretty well and sharing it helped. So this blog may just do as I hoped in helping me to have an outlet to help me stay sober through stressful stuff and just life while feeling and figuring out my emotions.
I almost want to save this as a draft and retype my post but this is part of the process, for me anyway, being honest out loud about my life.
I think the emotional wave is ebbing cause I’m feeling quite sleepy now.
Off to peaceful sleep – putting positive thoughts in my head 😉

Namaste.

Posted in recovery

0.12-0.18 – I am still sober!!

Apologies for my lack of posting for yet another sleepy-time week. I have just been overwhelmed with the desire to sleep or lay here doing nothing.
So that is a huge issue to overcome – I have absolutely NO MOTIVATION to do ANYTHING!
I barely did Easter. We had to put off decorating eggs until next week because they would be rotten by the time we went to hide them on Sunday (we boiled em Friday and then googled it before we started the decorating process) when my youngest will be here to celebrate. I made a basket for my mini me (Riley, 12) and got her some new flavored peeps which she was super excited, especially because she thought we’d only be celebrating next weekend.
We spent the rest of Sunday watching Forensic Files and chatting about everything while she chatted with her besties online and drew some of her awesome characters she creates for her role playing she does with her friends. They are a creative little bunch and can do this role playing (making up stories with their characters) for hours!!
So as expected my motivation is gone to do anything. I haven’t been able to open my laptop for 8 whole darn days because of it. I think about doing it and it sounds like a WHOLE LOT of effort and my brain is pretty hazy right now so my imagination and idea machine is kind of shut down.
I really want to one day soon reach and continue my goal of blogging everyday. I think I need to just blog SOMETHING. I know I want to walk everyone through my getting sober process too so maybe it could help another addict going through it as well so I need to do better.
I will. I’m feeling better today. I even did laundry. I was out of clothes and about to start pulling stuff to wear out of the hamper — EWWW! I didn’t! I got it done. But doing that motivated me to get on here.
Hang in there with me guys I’m getting the hang of both blogging and sobriety (again). I’ll get even better with time 🙂

Until we meet again.


“I have a perfect body, cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.”

Regina Spektor, Folding Chairs


Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.10 – perSevering with Sobriety

It coursing through my system just gives me a constant buzz of energy flowing throughout my body and engulfs me like a big fluffy comforter but for my whole being.

I’m not anxious. I’m not upset with anyone or anything in life. I don’t need my feelings appeased.

I feel fine.

That home feeling you get when you are wrapped in your blankets just right, especially when you’ve out-snoozed your alarm and have precious moments left in your cocoon – that! that is it, I feel like that when meth is in my system. It isn’t getting high, though, getting high is euphoria and hyperactivity, racing heart and intense focus, mind-alteration and I have no desire for any of that. It is just that first hit when the chemicals mix into the bloodstream COMFORT I feel is what I crave.

But I’m not uncomfortable and not not comfortable nor ill at ease. I feel fine. I don’t feel up or down I feel even.

I’m not craving the rush, that just makes me feel sick anymore. I don’t want the high or enjoy the feeling if I even get much of one. I think I only continue the binge because I have it at that point but I cannot wait to be out of it. Now whenever I relapse I overdo each smoke so it makes me feel sick so maybe that will be a deterrent. Then it’s just headaches and regret. I feel empty and then I sleep. I hate using. The idea of using is stomach turning.

I don’t feel lacking of happiness or feeling any more than I always do on my medications.

I get the urge to pick up for…nothing I don’t want to and there is no benefit in using for me.

In my 20s I had an alcoholic phase of about 6 months where I would drink six tall cans a night during shows before/during bed. The mere idea of giving up alcohol made me break out in a cold sweat; I needed the intoxication it was my safety blanket and vacation from reality, the buzz, the drunk, the high part. I was insecure stressed overwhelmed, I had some excuses for what I was escaping from my thoughts, my anxiety, my unhappiness. I can understand my trouble quitting that habit because I wanted the effects still. Admittedly I just kinda walked away from ever drinking again when I started using meth and heroin I just lost any desire. Thankfully that has rolled over into an aversion to alcohol after kicking the drugs.

To quit pain pills I went chasing the dragon instead. Replaced not recovered from.

Heroin I cut back using when Alex and I first got together and he asked me to and after a while felt it was pointless to pay to nod off. I’d gone full blown meth addict I needed the fast life not the lolling floatation through oblivion.

I don’t want meth. I don’t want the high. I don’t want the repercussions.

Once I start getting natural energy back after my weeklong plus hibernation period after the previous relapse and the last of the battery acid is leaving my body I get a strong pull to pick up. I realize in the past 5 months I’ve created the habit of one week on three weeks off with occasional three dayers so it is somewhat just breaking a habit but I can do that I’ve been shopping as an alternative.

That pull is still there for why? No benefit, no desire, completely unwanted actually. So why do I want to relapse? I really don’t want to but I do.

Last time I relapsed I have no idea why the idea popped in my head. I didn’t want to get high. I didn’t want to use. I had a full out-loud discussion as I drove around town picking up necessities to pick up/use about not wanting to, not having a reason to, feeling happy and satisfied sober. I didn’t even have an argument for why I was continuing my pursuit and of what I was pursuing I was at a loss. I cried like a bitch when I accepted that I wasn’t going to wait a day, a fucking day! to relapse so I could take a clean UA that I needed for custody stuff with Hope, a fucking day. I felt like a fool, I was being a fool on a fool’s errand making foolish choices.

I took that first hit in the parking lot I met my guy in, it was urgent feeling and I still didn’t know what for. And I felt that buzz as the chemicals mingled with my bloodstream and that was it. I’d replaced what my body was apparently lacking. That home feeling, I have finally realized, is my body’s physical addiction to methamphetamine being fulfilled. I feel present, no not present, not mental but complete or whole, normal.

So now I figured out the what and the why of this seeming compulsion that I couldn’t mentally overcome: I’ve gone and gotten myself physically dependent on methamphetamine by continuing to relapse the past 5 months away. It is a different can of worms it seems because it is a driving force that I don’t have the correct weaponry to battle let alone overcome. Been here before and will get through it this time around too.

I’m struggling right now on sheer will and so thankful that Riley is over for the weekend so that takes away my ability to pick up.

Off to figure out putting the kibosh on cravings from physical dependence.

I feel like a shell of me, empty, or missing a component. Wonder if I’m not getting the flu after all.

self control is strength
right thought is mastery
calmness is power
peace be still

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.7 – iNaNe fLaiR

siLLy abiLity
poINtless INstINct
absUrd geniUs
fatuouS SkillS

Me.
I can type. I can write. I can type what I write.
bLogging!
weBlog…onLineaccount…networkeDrecorDs…CyberspaCeChroniCles
I like words. I like to throw out some random nexus of thoughts bouncing around my brain for you to enjoy, judge, copy, and/or be inspired by. Purpose.

Happiness is where my mind is at. I am happy even though my life is kinda shitty. I intensely miss Hope, my youngest who’s father isn’t allowing me to see her, and think about her everyday. Even that isn’t bringing me down, though. I’m happy in my skin and with my life.
It is said that happiness is fleeting and an often “futile attempt to swim against the tide, as happiness doesn’t tend to last.” But I feel it in me. I am happy. I’m not future tripping or wallowing in my past, I’m here (well I am still very sleepy so I’m mostly here) in this moment. Life is filled with moments, experiences and living.
I have a very dull life and I love it!
Getting to go to work everyday is such a blessing and it excites me!
I have a purpose in life, a reason to get up in the morning and get moving and THAT is what I was missing for so long. Not working and being home with my kiddos was fulfilling but once they were gone I lost my reason for being. Being me is now my reason for living.

Was going to finish this as it is now yesterdays news but I don’t have anything to add right now. Off to today!

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery, relapse

0 days – aNother bitiNg of duSt

Admitting my shit to you is a lot harder than I expected it to be on this one.
I haven’t been lying but I haven’t been being honest either.
Playing games that I hate, to avoid asking for help or whatever it is that I need of you, my reader.

sobeRELAPSED

sO that happened.
picKed up this past Thursday.
4 days totaL oFF scRipt

feeling ashamed and foolish
it is me who is fucking my shit up for me
AND WHY? because I wanted more energy back right now, I didn’t want to do the work. I’ve got to do the work.

ADMITTING IT NOW because I’m ready to do sobeR again NOW and need to NOW.

i am maKing a conscious effort to NOT hit up micK and need to throw out the pipe i bought to utilize as soon as it is all gONe.
aDDict me: caNNot toss any doPe in the trash :: will make certain dONe and gONe before beD tONight.
typINg like its a RaNsOM noTe because iT iS — my dopefiend aSS is holding my sobrieTy hostage from mYself.
RaNsOM? reaLLy beiNg reaDy and waNting to quiT and sTay quiT.

There is the rub – am I and do I?
I want to be ready and I don’t want to stress over and lie about what I am doing anymore. In order for me to be honest I have to stay sober, high me lies for no reason.
The idea of not using ever again seems preposterous but that is future tripping and not helpful. I like to get high and that isn’t changing (even while making myself sick knowingly smoking too much so that it will deter me)…and liking to do something I shouldn’t do is not reasonable argument for doing it.
I cannot forget that I am a master manipulator and I am fantastic at convincing myself to do the wrong thing and brilliantly justify my bad behavior BUT have been being honest with myself way more so and pretty brutally.
Already planning my relapse for after I’ve gained ten pounds back Yowza doing this off script may make the actions I do within this chaos more attainable because I’m already overwhelming myself.

pLan for beTTermenT of liFe

daiLy uPdates :: monTh.Day (0.1, 0.2, 0.3 then 1,1, 1.2, 1.3, etc. ) – poSt titLe
focus at least 1 paragraph/4 sentences to checking in about recovery and/or
create template/layout with questions to check in on daily
weekLy goaLs :: cReate new caTegory (StoP tYping LiKe aN aSShoLe NOW) post every
Monday so I can start today :: 2 goal minimum
get BigBook back out and pg 78? every morning …not likely but need to try different ideas.
Medications NIGHTLY and put GAB and some Prozac in car for high anxiety days. (Reduce trazadone on weekends and possibly during week
Set up a check list to document and keep accountable.
Honestly identify and document relapse triggers (ex. weight gain) and what to do rather than use (bullshit I know I wont do) THE RUB!

Brainstorm Ideas for actions/activities to keep me ACTIVELY sober.
Point: I am very focused on using when I’m in ACTIVE addiction but haven’t been being ACTIVE in my sobriety when I am sober. The more I focus on not using is just more time spent focusing on meth. I need to focus on BEING SOBER first. Staying sober will come after I can learn to be sober first.
I admitted all to Alex as well. Continue honesty even if I slip I need to be forthcoming when it happens not later. The real thing to do is bring it up before I pick up because I know and plan my relapses now that I’ve been on the 2-3 weeks gripping the wagon and 1-2 weeks bailing out the back and going on a binge for the past 5 months.
Telling someone I am planning to use before picking up is the correct thing to do but that is me choosing not to use (asking to be talked out of it) and therein lies the issue.

I do not know how to stop wanting to get high. I know it takes time. This last 20 days that I made it up until Thursday I wasn’t craving using so much as I was wanting to have energy. I had been starting to be awake for an hour or two after work toward the end. Life doesn’t have time for my body to readjust my sleep schedule but I have to make time and remember that every time I pick up again all that time my body spent healing is flushed with another couple days added to the length of time I’ll be dead to the world.

Goals, count-up widget for 30 days, google app for sobriety count, lose bEck’s number, vent through blogging, get out of bed by 530 every am, lay out clothes night prior,

hi there!
I could use all the help i can get so any suggestions, ideas, critiques, etc. comment or contact me perty please!!
Thank you!

This blog is saving my ass because I was going to re-up tonight and just keep up the charade until I was ready to face it but definitely put that off for a while. Then I read a couple blog posts that really affected me to a core part of myself that I thought died when Grayson abducted my girls and everything went to hell overnight lit up a bit. Today, though, I was flooded with feelings of empathy, for a minute I let myself care for real, and I for a quick thirty seconds I felt a little rush of hope. I’d have gotten more meth if not for those small but huge mini-emotional breakthroughs. No idea why today but very grateful for it and should maybe put a little faith out there in working on things in my sobriety.

Off to set me some goals and create an outline. Any and all ideas welcomed.
future.ex@dopefiend.blog
lyric@dopefiend.blog

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, reblog

The 3 Stages Of Falling Apart — Thought Catalog

You walked into the room and it was full of people, but I didn’t see the people. You shot me a cynical look and I already knew what you were thinking. 426 more words

The 3 Stages Of Falling Apart — Thought Catalog

This is the most impacting piece of writing I’ve read in years if not ever.
It more than just speaks to the reader, it more than just paints a picture.
I felt the writing, not as in feeling any of the characters’ emotions, while that is all depicted phenomenally I felt the writing.
Each word seemed heavy with a sort of rawness and vulnerability.
Every word spoke to me and seemed purposeful and necessary.
The concept is one that I would usually, and almost did, pass over as relationship/break up are overdone topics but the author brings you through the 3 stages of a relationship: the honeymoon period, the active relationship with gloves off most often, and the break up/end. It feels like you experience them all as the reader in an out of body surreal sensation that I can’t put the correct word for.
The point of view creates a calm resigned atmosphere that pulls at the heartstrings but not in a sad way, it is very bittersweet and comforting.
When you read it let the writing read to you and listen instead.
This is an intoxicating piece of writing and it looks and even reads (word for word wise) pedestrian but deeply affected me in an, apparently, indescribable way.
I am inspired by this.

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

Day 16 – betterment

So I’d set some goals for this week and I’ve upheld posting every day (I did forget to hit publish and put one out a day late but still!!) but haven’t finished either of the life stories, however I did start two.

I’ll set some goals for this week tomorrow or Monday. I think achieving some small attainable tasks to completion regularly I’ll feel like I’m progressing more so. One I’m going to do, since I’m thinking about it, is actually attending 2 AA meetings this week rather than forging my slip for treatment. I think my last slip was a bit obviously forged because I switched up some handwriting for one of the ones I use regularly by accident (I was mimicking a different person’s writing instead for the wrong person) and my counselor gave it a very quizzical look. Oh well, I need to start actually going anyway and that gives me a bit more motivation.

Today is a family day we’ve got 3 of 4 kiddos and hopefully the fourth later today.

Feeling a bit anxious but nothing my meds can’t dull down. I don’t take anything addictive (no opiates or benzos) so I’m not getting high off my prescriptions at all either. They don’t prescribe addicts benzos anymore I guess cause they cut off my Xanax. I think it’s the place I go since they have treatment centers within the same entity.
My anxiety is just like a constant gnawing buzz in my head and ache in my gut so nothing specific which is kind of annoying because I can’t actively solve something that isn’t.

Off to enjoy some sunshine!!

Have a blessed day.

Posted in recovery

day 13 – got this

bumbled mumbo-jumbo jive turkeying outchya chops topsy-turvy

I am beyond exhausted but doing very merrily.

Cause of exhaustion:
Yesterday my Auntie Demi called me to ask a favor which she was embarrassed about but, while it hasn’t been my experience (except with my dad), family should help family if they can so I felt she shouldn’t feel some kind of way about it. She asked if I could loan her the money to buy a pack of smokes. Okay, so not a necessity in life, no, and not really a normal thing to ask someone else for money for but do unto others (even when they don’t unto you) and how could I say no when I knew it wasn’t easy to ask for help especially from a younger relative. I can empathize. So her and her boyfriend came and picked me up and we went to the smoke shop. Along the way it was clear they were having a dispute of sorts and the tension ran high. I got her two packs and offered to put some gas in their tank since her boyfriend was grumbling about the distance to the smoke shop which was round-trip a 15 minute pick up to drop off. They accepted then turned down the offer. It was confusing. To try to help Demi out I suggested she come with me so we could go run a few errands she needed to take care of and that would allow her boyfriend to go home and nap before his night shift. We got back to my place and she said they’d discuss it and she’d let me know in a second.
There was no discussion he just took off when she sat back down in the car. I guess he felt she was going to get more drunk at my alcohol-less apartment hanging out with me and we’d then meet up with guys for sex.
Cut to 3 hours later and I’m getting another call from my auntie and she’s in need of my help – “life or death situation” – and tells me she is moving out of his place, he won’t stop being verbally abusive, and can I go over and help her move her belongings to her car. I agree to helping her and we go back and forth with when and because he still hasn’t slept and needs to, although he is up talking all kinds of shit in the background and doesn’t sound to be stopping anytime soon, I have to wait until 11 pm to go move this stuff. I have to be up at 5 am but do for family and I’d want help if the shoe were on my foot right so I agree.
I stay texting her for a bit since she’s distraught but then take care of my own personal needs expecting that I’ll be done in time to get there by 11.
After some amazing boot-knockin’ I find out she has left his place. I figure, as it is nearly 11 at this point, that that means no moving and she doesn’t get back to me as the clock runs past the meeting time. Of course at 11:30 I get a call and request and promise it will take all of 20 minutes as everything is already packed.
I go and am already beyond ready for bed so I’m expecting to make this happen quickly.
After fighting my phone to direct me there and arriving I see everything is packed and get excited! That hope lasted about 2 minutes until her phone starts chirping out multiple text messages. Understandably they’re from him and she reads them to me and he’s being really mean-spirited. My hope fully died when after reading them to me she decided to call my Nona, her mom, to read her the texts.
I’m too tired to type right now so here’s the gist, as best I can:
I ended up spending the next 5 hours helping her send well thought out text messages (I have to say I’m very proud of her restraint in not reacting to his myriad of manipulative, emotionally raping text messages with upset) to express an end to their relationship (reiteration), his trespasses, and her happiness and appreciation to be moving into a better chapter of her life in leaving the situation. We sent 6 texts to his likely 75 texts.
All the while I am trying to get moving on the moving of her stuff to her car. She just kept putting me off or having me read another text aloud. I tried to leave on a handful of occasions and she made me feel bad and guilty and pleaded with me to stay “just a little longer” each time. I finally HAD to leave for work at 5 am and she nearly tried the same shenanigans but accepted that I needed to go to work.
We moved NOTHING. She never even pulled her car up to the house to be loaded. I left with the impression that she was going to do it herself as she had done mere days before actually and I told her I’d check in hourly to make sure she left before he got home.
She takes my first two calls and then poof she’s unreachable.
I was sincerely worried, she’d expressed being fearful of this dude and said the previous evening he’d kind of stalked her around the apartment and she felt like he was right on the verge of physically assaulting her.
Yeah well the beeyatch text me 5 hours after he would have gotten off work (I was dog tired and still working and had been worrying my whole shift): “I’m good tired.” I had sent her 5 texts begging for some type of response so I could stop worrying and she didn’t even acknowledge it!
Come to find out, yeah you already know, she hadn’t moved shit!!! She was still there with him. I love and adore Demi but am feeling some type of way about her duping me into hanging out with her during my sleep-time with this “life or death situation” of moving out of an abusive situation that she remained in. She took my sleep.
Now she’s saying she’s got to get out of there tonight and I told her good luck and I’ll be sleeping.

Bye, Felicia

Posted in recovery

Day 11 – bombarding ExCuSeS

I am lost. I know what not to do but stopping myself is difficult. I realize I should be reminding myself of all the reasons NOT to pick up: my kids, my health, because its a drug that is not good for my mind or my body, mainly my kids!!!, keeping my promises, being able to be honest about everything with the people in my life that mean so much to me, there is more I know but those are what I can come up with at the moment. It’s especially hard to think of reasons not to with the devil snickering at my reasons on my shoulder, no angel for me it seems. I know that is a choice not to hear my conscience as it is always there and I’m choosing to ignore the good voice.

It really matters to be ready to be ready to quit. I swear I am but I feel like I am still going to use and planning my relapses – maybe that is normal but when I quit before and it stuck for a decent amount of time I didn’t have that. I didn’t even crave it I was just done, I want that back!! So I’m going to take this a different way and just accept that it is part of quitting a intensely addictive drug like methamphetamine. I SO love being high and I went and relapsed and kept getting high every couple weeks and then I just finished a ten day binge so I have to realize that I am going to struggle, last time was a blessing but it didn’t stick anyway right? I believe my excuse for relapse was legit – did I tell it already? I know excuses are like assholes, everybody’s got one – especially for relapses. But here might as well share since I’m trying to give a clear picture of my life during, after, and in between active addiction.

My excuse reason (I take accountability for my relapse not trying to justify it just clarify what led up to it so not excusing my relapse): I hadn’t felt the overwhelmingly shitty emotions that I felt in October 2018 within my time sober and the way I had handled bad shit in my life was to numb myself by getting high so I made an inexcusably idiotic choice to relapse to run from feeling.
Let me explain: I didn’t know how to handle the betrayal I felt when I found out my boyfriend was talking to a female behind my back and actively hiding it while nightly going to the casino where he’d met her with his maps timeline saying he had been there for a whole 5 minutes but hadn’t stayed but had instead turned off his location (or was driving in a perfectly straight line for hours).
(Yeah I will accept that I am overbearing a bit by asking to see his timeline but he was lying to me AND I don’t believe there should be secrets in a relationship. I justify my nosiness and stand by my right to be so with someone I’ve been with for 3 years and is acting shady [he was making his deception painfully apparent]. And as I’ll explain in the stories of my addiction part of my blog, not by any means as out of line as I now realize my spywareing his phone was…yeah I’m not proud of myself as I once was for my snooping [while high mind you, yeah excuses, I know!] but I learned a lot from it – like not to do it again which I’ve successfully failed at along the way a bit…lots to explain but not here.)
((Another side note and part of my justification: I’m transparent with him, just so ya know, and he knows my passwords and has unfettered access to my phone and computer.))
Back to the excuse to relapse: He swears that, while my timeline tracks me perfectly and I’m on a cheap network compared to his T-Mobile, it just isn’t accurate. Yeah so more lame lies there. Anyway, he had been regularly texting this female for 4 days when I decided to check (and I’d been sober for a while so I’d stopped any sort of snooping until this really apparent change in behavior) and see what he was hiding. I confronted him about it after asking to, and being allowed, to see his phone and finding out that he was in fact deleting texts and phone calls between him and this female.
(So I can stop beating around the bush, I’m embarrassed is the thing, I checked his phone usage on his phone’s online account where it shows all text messages and phone calls placed and received among other things. I still feel justified but I know it isn’t normal to do thus my reluctance to tell on myself. I feel fine with my admission now – comments of “psycho female” are expected and not discouraged lmao I’d like to hear anyone’s opinion of any of what I share it’s part of why I’m blogging – perspective.)
I asked him about this discrepancy, came right out and told him what I knew and (I had blocked my number and called so I knew the owner of the number being conversated [not a word but you get it] with.) that I knew he had deleted it. I explained that I was feeling really ill-at-ease with what I’d found and would appreciate an explanation of why he was doing these things (talking to another female AND deleting the interactions).
He laughed at me. He said I was all wrong and that he had lent his phone to a coworker (4 days and over 50 texts a day plus long phone calls) and that I was being ridiculous and insecure. He mocked me! He told me, prior to the coworker excuse, that I was going to feel “really stupid” when I found out the truth about this situation and laughed at me some more. THEN, he accused me of being high and paranoid (I wasn’t until the next day – high not paranoid I only get paranoid when I smoke marijuana.) and said my facial expression proved it since I was clenching my jaw with anger that he…fuck explaining his excuse for accusing me he did it to throw me off his actions and he was wrong and had no real reason for his accusation besides being caught in his own bullshit.
It gets worse before it gets better as he continued trying to get away with his indiscretion, it doesn’t really get better at any point actually just an all around shitty situation. He decides he wants to take a drive and discuss it further there once he realized I’m not buying into his bullshit and I’m not budging on my desire to be told the TRUTH about what was going on.
This is where it gets ridiculous – his explanation about these hidden interactions:
So I don’t know why his ex-wife was brought up but for some reason she was and her name is Mary. When I asked what this other females name was, right after whatever discussion was happening to distract me was over, he told me Marilyn. He did say it probably wasn’t her real name, why he thought it wasn’t real unless she was hooker (and that could well be the case being he met her at the casino where they look for johns) ugh that sucks. It makes a lot of sense with how we met – I’ll get to that in stories too, sorry for all of the cliffhangers but it’s all worth the wait, you’ve probably figured out whats what from context anyway ;). So now this “Marilyn” (I can’t not put it in quotes at this point, I even use air quotes when it is talked about) and he met at the casino while he was playing she sat down next to him and he saw she was wearing a lot of jewelry and he was selling some MEN’S GOLD CHAINS that he got from some shady dealing or other so he thought to offer this FEMALE the chains and “went and got them from the car to show her” (I believe that now to mean they went to the car and he got head for $36 dollars [amount explained momentarily haha]) and supposedly brought these MEN’S GOLD CHAINS in for this FEMALE to possibly purchase.
I need to add that he repeatedly kept telling me “I didn’t cheat” although I hadn’t and didn’t ask even once if he had and finally told him that he was making it seem like he was feeling really guilty of cheating by continuing to refute an unasked question.
That explanation happens to get even better a couple days later but after telling me this awesome excuse for why he had gotten her number – to follow up on her buying these – and why they had been in touch – 50 text messages in ONE DAY for her to tell him (must have been repetitively) why she was without the funds to do so but was still planning to; their discussions, according to the caught liar who continued to lie himself into a steaming pile of unbelievable shit, were “about her son, her mother, and her car.”
He also tried to congratulate himself on having brought me up to her because she has a Mercedes that is broke down and I drive a Mercedes but I didn’t care for him talking to her about me anymore than I appreciated his lies.
Now I desperately WANTED to believe that he wasn’t lying to cover his lies and that he was speaking the truth, how I was making this make any sense in my head is beyond me, and nearly believed him – I HAD to believe him for him to NOT BE LYING TO ME! I think it was made worse by how poorly he was lying and that he didn’t put any (and even made his lying more apparent) effort into making his lies believable. Anyway he had pulled the wool over my eyes for the time being and we returned home and had sex (gotta keep him satisfied so he doesn’t go elsewhere to “Marilyn,” right? Yeah, I know I’m pathetic) and went to bed.
Now I had LOTS of questions to followup with the next day. After turning things over in my head and recounting the amount of messages and discovering that he was still in contact with her after saying he would not have anymore contact with her, I was no longer feeling so convinced of the whole MEN’S GOLD CHAINS being attempted to be sold to a FEMALE and that even if it were true there was no necessity for days of multiple phone calls and texts. To top off my suspicion of his fictional recounting of the necessity and substance of this communication he, I swear it hand to GOD, gave me a new explanation of how they met!
Yeah, the next day or the one after that, he came into the living room and announced, very triumphantly, that she had actually offered to sell him an apple watch for, bet you guessed it, 36 dollars (supposedly the remainder of the cash he had on hand is what he offered, my take, again, is that this payment was for a blowjob but I’ll likely never know)!! Now, this was the new way they started the conversation and the new reason for getting her phone number (eventually he melded the two tales together, very crafty eh lmao) was so she could buy back the watch from him and THAT is what they’d been talking about (as well as the MEN’S GOLD CHAINS he put together after a few awkward questions from my befuddled and overwhelmed self yet I now didn’t know what made him think someone hawking their apple watch would want to BUY [men’s] jewelry). So, ON TOP OF already lying to me he threw a hail mary new nonsensical explanation for his having been conversing with this female. He did show me the watch to verify his second story (I now believe she’d dropped it in his car and he’d worried I’d noticed it the night we’d talked) and he seemed to feel pretty good about this new story. My attempt to get answers as to which happened first and how he “saw her wearing a lot of jewelry” when she “sat next to him” made sense when she was willing to part with an expensive-to-my-knowledge watch he now deemed that to have happened after their first meeting. I could very clearly recall him stating he “met her when she was trying to sell her apple watch around the casino” when he announced the scenario…my head was spinning also.
Now, I can think of tons of situations in which he had gotten another females number and been texting and calling her basically nonstop for days, none good, but TONS that would make some sort of sense. I could even come up with the bullshit story that he’d been talking to this person’s boyfriend and they happened to share a phone – I used to share a phone with my exes which he knew so if he’d tried to put any thought into this he’d have realized that would be relatable (google search says it is a word stupid red squiggles) and understandable (if I forgot that he’d been deleting the conversations that is but honestly anything semi-believable sounding would have worked) and would have made me feel like the idiot he’d made me out to be when I confronted him. But, alas no, he made no attempt to make his lies even seem logical. Now truth can be stranger than fiction, I know he reminded me, and the last part of the quote says “fiction has to make sense. Reality of course does not” so there is the possibility of it being true if he hadn’t pulled out the watch story for absolutely no reason as to why they were in contact after it was initially because she was wearing a lot of jewelry when she sat down by him so he was selling her (say it with me!) MEN’S GOLD CHAINS.
If you’re still bearing with this elongated telling of my, probably a bit more understandable, reason behind relapsing, thank you and it gets brilliantly worse for me.
So, less is more, he’s lied, he’s sneaking some sort of relationship (yes I can call it that because they were developing a comfort with each other that wreaks of probably more that I’ll likely never know) with another female behind my back and covering his lies with more lies, I suck at less is more, and then shuts down. He refuses to reiterate things he felt he’d already answered even when I was asking for information that he had not been forthcoming with prior. He watched me cry and blame myself (a tactic I tried that DID NOT work AT ALL) and said he wouldn’t be in contact with her anymore, after he’d already said so and failed to do so once at this point. He was getting angry WITH ME for not just GETTING OVER IT and this little nugget pops up:
Incoming text: “If you don’t message me or call me back I’m going to send you some nudes.”
Check the phone’s usage and low and behold he WAS STILL TEXTING AND CALLING HER.
I decided to take matters into my own hands and call her myself. He tackled me and tried to pry my phone from my hands when he realized what I was doing. He told me that if I called then I would need to find a new living situation. I had to leave an out-of-breath-yelling-at-the-grounded-phone message of my name and to call me back at my number because I was confused as to her communicating with my boyfriend. Now, if he had nothing to hide (yes I get it was very obvious he did) then why all the theatrics of threatening to break up with me rather than just letting me find out from this person that I was being insecure and making an ass of myself. She called back and, for the first time ever, he answered my phone before I could get to it and she hung up. So, I wasn’t giving up – at this point I was already homeless and dumped according to him so I really had nothing to lose – and I took my phone and text messaged her. I’m not good at being sneaky one bit so he figured out my scheme very quickly but I was able to get a few questions in with responses back. Remember, he’d just spooked her by answering my phone and he was cockily proud of that apparent by the smug look on his face.
L: “How do you know [my man’s name]?”
“M”: “Why is that any of your business?”
L: “Well he is my boyfriend and you’re threatening to send him nude pictures of yourself.”
“M”: “I didn’t say that you must have misread it.”
I even stopped to rethink what I’d read and, honest, contemplated if I had misread an easily readable text and made something up in my own head that was false. Thankfully, I caught myself falling into old patterns of uncertainty of my sanity – which he’d made difficult to decipher reality from being duped and sent me to a psych ward when I’d nearly caught him cheating previously (Why stay? Well I’m in love with the asshat which is super important compared to being given any inkling of respect or honesty in return and I have no place to go except my car, I have tried and failed at leaving [being kicked out for a week] because of my lack of money, no affordable housing, and severe disdain for change.) – and reassured myself that I had seen what I had seen and he’d even acknowledged the message as saying so, so my confidence in my knowledge was restored.
L: Huh. Well are you trying to sleep with [my man’s name]?
“M”: “Hell yeah. And I want you too.”
Possible sarcasm, likely, but when I tell my boyfriend what she said she said, “Yes.” Of course that was trying to elicit some honesty and kind of worked actually, a month later though.
L: “Since you know about me then why are you trying to cause problems by getting involved with him?”
“M”: “It’s not your business. I don’t want to continue this. Go spend your time cleaning or cooking something. Haha.”
And I was so stricken by her knowledge of our, as far as I was aware, ONLY issue being my lack of cleaning out our back rooms and my hate of cooking and inability to not burn everything, besides steak but damnit once actually that did happen once as well, I tried to prepare thus my lack of cooking also, that I just politely asked her to not contact my boyfriend further.
“M”: Go clean or cook something and mind ya business. Mind ya business.”
L: Nothing I was so hurt that he’d not only done all of the expressed above BUT HAD ALSO COMPLAINED ABOUT ME AND OUR RELATIONSHIP TO HER.
**I’d like to acknowledge that I know I have some glaring flaws but I do clean the floors and the bathroom/living room/kitchen. I just don’t know how to reduce my clothing any further (I’ve taken over 5 full large garbage bags to Goodwill in the past year with clothes and shoes) and we don’t have shelves or a dresser so clothes are just stacked and the other room I don’t know where to start getting rid of stuff BUT WE HAVEN’T USED THOSE ROOMS IN THE 3 YEARS WE’VE LIVED HERE for anything but storage/closets. I’m also the only one who got rid of the cockroach, ewww, problem and keep up spraying for them. I’d say maybe he was sick of my neediness and him providing for me but at the time of the step-outtance I had gotten my own car, had a job, was paying my half of rent and filling our NOS and black and mild addictions and was SOBER for over a year (with one very short relapse). Just defending myself a little bit after outing my deficiencies as outed by the ever-wonderful and grandly appreciated sweet, sweet “Marilyn.”**
I know and knew 20 minutes later what I should have asked but I’d lost my gall and had to get to an appointment with my treatment provider (monthly one on one sessions).
My boyfriend seeing how deflated the texting had made me PROMISED this time that he wouldn’t call or text her again. While I was at my one on one pouring my open-wound-having heart out to my counselor he had about an hour’s worth of conversation between 3 different calls with her, I was crushed even more so finding that out.
After that she has text once but he blocked her number afterward and as far as I can SEE there has been no continued communication, at least not with that number. I did overhear a conversation between him and his best friend bringing up how surprisingly cheap phones went for at Walmart which he’d denied having knowledge of when I’d brought it up after.
I spent a week down and out and bitching and asking questions that he refused to answer telling me he’d told me everything he was going to tell me and that there was nothing more to tell. I have no doubt in my mind he was confusing himself with his lies and what she, by my account, told me via text the following day (there wasn’t any further texting with her, from me at least, but I pretend) and couldn’t bring himself to get caught in more lies by answering something I asked in contradiction to what he’d already said. He expected me to just drop it and get over it and would just take off, or threaten to, if I didn’t drop it. Also he said sorry and then nearly immediately took it back by justifying his actions as “trying to make some money” numerous times. He was only “sorry” that he’d gotten caught so quickly, and in my hopeful delusional mind I caught him before any sex stuff happened…except that damn parking lot blowy for $36 I’ve mentioned but have not gotten confirmation of it taking place so still holding out hope, lol, not really. So after a week of fruitless prodding I gave up and we moved forward with me not mentioning it any time again soon after.
But see, I was learning “relationship communication ‘tactics'” in my treatment from my counselor. He was pretty much teaching us how to turn negative conversations to the positive by flipping the script on the other person unexpectedly and demonstrated on a distraught daughter of a constantly bitching mother, which failed miserably but sure was entertaining.
So a month later I took what I learned from my counselor and research I’d been doing on the internet and used it on my boyfriend. IT WORKED!!
He confessed that she had been getting the wrong idea (no admittance of fault on his part however) and was making assertions of having sex with him and had been complaining about and telling him she wasn’t having sex with her boyfriend. He admitted he had lied, not about anything specific but more of an “include-it-all” kind of admittance (he has since tried to stand by his stories, contradictory as meeting someone for the first time twice is, and still uses the justification of making money whenever mentioned [it is the cause of everything falling apart not brought up until 2 weeks ago beyond that]). He was apologetic and remorseful and telling me that he fucked up. I just sat there listening letting him say as much as he would say. He said that they’d had inappropriate conversations and that is why he deleted the messages and calls as well as because he knew I wouldn’t like him talking with another female (yeah you may call it insecurity but I call it KNOWLEDGE and EXPERIENCE teaching me nothing good comes from either person in a relationship getting someone of the opposite sex’s [or same sex’s if that is your preference] number and carrying on with said female or male [especially when hiding it]). He then snapped and started cursing me and telling me that I wanted things that he didn’t (none of which was true except marriage but I’ve told him it’s not a must do as I’ve already done it) and what kind of therapy bullshit did I just pull on him. He wasn’t happy with coming clean and he hadn’t even scratched the surface or been satisfyingly, for me, honest or forthcoming. I still just sat there and he went between that mess and apologizing without admitting anymore wrongdoing.
That is where this whole debacle should end right?
But no because I knew he was still not telling me something important and I couldn’t seem to get past it and move on knowing he was still lying to me. I tried. I didn’t bring it up (except to say [air quote] “the Marilyn incident” [air quote] when referring to when things took a shitty turn for us) in the months following (I did ask a couple followup questions that were not well received the following day though which he still holds against being honest with me about certain things) until I get a horrible gut wrenching ache that tells me something isn’t cool with something going on with Maurice. Come to, yes I spied not proud, find out he was talking to “that one from last week” about “moving into the place she gets but she put emphasis on the ‘rent a room’ part like nigga you ain’t moving in WITH me.” Now why was this new female having to CLARIFY that he wasn’t moving in WITH her and WHY WAS SHE OFFERING HIM A PLACE AT ALL WHEN WE HAVE AN APARTMENT?! Also, this brought back the remembrance of the “Marilyn” issue not having been resolved.
So to sum up the newest addition to unknown-to-me females in my boyfriend’s life when I asked him about it he didn’t even bother trying to lie he just refused to answer because I’d gained the knowledge through “espionage” and could just find my answer through further “spy tactics.” I realize its just another lame excuse to avoid truth telling but I get that it is violating to have private information known that you weren’t wishing to be known. And that when backed in a corner people will throw around blame and denials to avoid the actual problem. There is more to that conversation I’ll dive into in stories as well. He did eventually try to say that he didn’t know her and that she was some stranger that was looking for roommates yet where this lacking-truth conversation took place was forgotten by him and no further explanation of any of the particulars were given. “That one from last week” (direct quote) tells of there being previous discussion of said person to the best friend, Aaron – he’ll come up throughout and I don’t want to keep lamely saying best friend [of my boyfriend] so remember who Aaron is!!! Jokes I’ll not leave you wondering but now you know he’s got a name.
So, I tell you about this new girl to segue to provide a rationale for bringing up “Marilyn” again after so long. Firstly, the wound was unable to heal and therefore I wasn’t getting past the issue while desperately trying to “accept the thing I cannot change” and go forward. Secondly, the wound was ripped back to completely open and another was added when I found out there was another hidden interaction with a female and that this one had led to moving-in discussion.
I sent an email about my feelings and those topics were main points within my sharing. I’m not a wuss it’s just that talking with him seemed to be going nowhere fast and it let me get all my desired thoughts out without interruption or dismissal (of course he could stop reading which would kind of be both) by him. I ended up sending emails for a week straight ending just 11 days ago actually and did, along with me hammering my reproach of his continued lies and avoidance of issues he created after he’d read them, bring about some honesty.
He honestly is not going to be honest until he is ready and feels safe to like I wasn’t honest about things (while high) until I was ready (got sober). He feels like it will just give me more to be offended by and I’m guessing he doesn’t want to be the bad guy who did the offense more than he really cares about my feelings being hurt more. I mean in reality postponing and dragging this out further is about the shittiest thing he could do to me – I want it over and done with, I want to get the truth of what he’s been doing and talking about with other females behind my back (why would be nice but not necessary) (he could just come up with good lies at this point really) and then I want to deal with the hurt that may come, or whatever emotions I end up feeling, and move on without another word about it, I don’t even want to ask questions anymore. After typing all that out I’m in a better head space already about it – not okay with his actions by any means – just feeling like I’ve expressed my annoyance and frustration creatively and somewhat wholly so a bit of the burden has been let go.
Okay now that I’ve told you the story of my reason for relapsing I’ll get back to the point of what, from that, caused my relapse. As I had said at the beginning overwhelmingly painful emotions flooded me as I was devastated at finding out for sure that my boyfriend is willing to lie to my face and interact with other females inappropriately seemingly without legitimate remorse. This being the second worst thing to happen to me in life, after my kids getting abducted and my custody being taken which is not comparable whatsoever but is by far the worst thing to occur in my life, and to suffer through the discomfort and distress his betrayal brought me while sober seemed too much to endure (I realize people deal with far worse things sober everyday this is something that, for me, was life-shattering and something I didn’t want to actually face). The disappointment and despair I felt having the person I’d trusted with my life and health and hopes and fears and insecurities, the man I thought of as my best friend and partner in life, knocked from the pedestal I’d created for him and proven to be a lying, manipulative, callous person (and not just toward anyone but regarding ME and our relationship) especially after having been at, what I believed, was a really good place in our relationship when he decided to do this.
All in all I was too much a coward to face life on life’s terms and to actually feel unpleasant emotions so I pitifully ran away to avoid reality. And until now I was just perpetuating my eluding dealing with reality by every couple weeks picking back up for a few days since October 19th 2018 when I relapsed because I was copping-out of the hard parts of living.
I don’t blame him for my relapse, my new resentments however he does get credit for and is the star of!
Relapsing, though, was a choice I made knowing, and apparently accepting, the repercussions of doing so and a decision to stay stuck in denial and evade accepting reality. The amelioration I’d achieved in my sobriety didn’t hold a candle to my deviously duplicitous addict mentality I have demonstrated. This time around I want to work for/on and develop/achieve strength of character, true grit, perseverance, strength of mind, and the ability to live life on life’s terms.
After some research I’ve realized that the above
This blog is definitely beneficial to my continued sobriety.
Thank you!

P.S.
My boyfriend is a good guy and, as you will come to see in stories, he’s dealt with A LOT of bullshit and stuck by me in some of the most impossible situations. I’m not condoning the aforementioned behavior but he’s the reason I’m alive and able to get sober today. I’m sharing my life and in turn his life but all through my point of view; just don’t forget that there is another side to every story.

 

Posted in recovery

Day 1 – no thank you, please

So I’m regretting my decision to quit right about now. It is going to be a long day and I’m filled with anxiety and dread. The idea of such a slow and tedious workday, especially since I’m impatiently waiting to have a conversation with my dude also, is not computing properly to form words… I’m rambling nonsense and not clearly explaining how I feel which is what I want to convey.

My head feels floaty and I believe that a wave of dizziness would overcome me and knock me on my ass if I stood up right now. While my eyes were closed I felt that staying-in-the-womb comfort of warmth and snugness engulf me, sleep was cuddling me after days of avoidance. Then I got to where I am now – propped up on my elbow typing on my laptop and starting to accept that I’m really doing this and it is going to be really uncomfortable.

I’m overwhelmed. Intensely flustered. My teeth hurt and my mouth tastes like paste. I need to get moving and I have no desire to proceed. I’ve described a few of the things I am feeling but there is a lot more going on too that I know getting high would even out for me. Fuck this. I can’t do this and I’ve been up for fifteen minutes. I need to wait until I have a week that I can spend in bed hiding to quit. Except, while I can’t remember what it is, there is a reason I am quitting right now and not putting it off again like I did at the beginning of this week already. It’ll come to me eventually and I couldn’t pick up before work even if I tried.

My whole body is aching.

Onward.