Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

pɐʎ ʇʍǝןʌǝ – I, eM —< in ym way

it be's the entirety of the bLog post
stinkin' thinkin'
focus positive
change my view
happy sober

Optimist - always YES

12 days of clean time .. using gave to me:

10 sober slogans

Make it load!! I think you'll enjoy it!!
clean.dopefiend
dopefiend.blog
wiNNiNg
lackadaisicalwhimsy
high fiVe
random circumstance
the end?
Posted in recovery

pɐʎ 1 – gOOdbYe yesterdAy

Today is the day
To make a change
To take a chance
To leap with faith
To keep my mind safe
To ask for help
To task my.self
Allay all doubt today

They said it works.
I read it works.
I tried my way.
They provide my way.

Nothing to lose
Unless I choose
Again to use
And induce self-abuse

the feLLowship [A.A.]
welcomed me back with
open arms
NbS [N.A.]
welcomed me in with
open hearts


It always seems impossibLe
until its done.


time Takes time

Situation
That
Opposes
Positivity

I’m doing recovery for keeps NOW.
Will I stay clean?
According to them [N.A./A.A. people] so long as I’m working my program I will succeed
Almost finished with my step 1

So thankful for the welcoming fellowship in both of the programs [N.A./A.A.] and I am greatly enjoying meetings.

when aLL eLse faiLs
foLLow directions

Changes:
Attending NA & AA daily if work allows
Actively searching for a sponsor
[the woman I asked today has all the sponsees she can handle but said I can call anytime]
Working the steps and doing the work with N.A. Step Working Guides

Failure is only real if you give up.
Posted in recovery

0.twenty-two :: after hours jams

Daily Reflection                                                                            May 22

          Step One

                 “We…” (the first word of the first step)
                                     TWELVE STEPS & TWELVE TRADITIONS PG. 21

When I was drinking all I could ever think about was “I, I, I” or “Me, Me, Me.”

Such painful obsession of self, such soul sickness, such spiritual selfishness bound me to the bottle for more than half my life.

The journey to find God and to do His will one day at a time began with the first word of the First Step …. “We.”

There was power in numbers, there was strength in numbers, there was safety in numbers, there was life in numbers.
If I had tried to recover alone I probably would have died.
With God and another alcoholic, I have divine purpose in my life… I have become a channel for God’s healing love.




– – – Angela – – –


…hate sharing first. Like sharing later but its so quiet….
I came alone, I stayed alone cause I didn’t reach out and didn’t want anyone reaching out for me… I didn’t know you.

When I came in it was just still me. So I got a sponsor who took me through the book.
I do my recovery, I’m real selfish and take my recovery personal.
The we part is coming to the rooms of alcoholics anonymous and here we are not alone. Step one : “Every natural extinct cries out … 12 steps” the bedrock on which purposeful lives can be built.
We part. Growth and freed me. Allowed me to be me.
I wasn’t that stern as I believed myself to be but I crumbled coming into the rooms.
On the streets I was alone.
Teddy bear I was came out.
Being able to transmit what I’ve been through. Didn’t do that by myself.
Made possible – its a we thing.
WE ADMITTED WE’RE POWERLESS!
Follow some simple directions.
Never made it to see the wizard.
Freedom. Patience. Peace of mind.
Guess I’m dorothy.





@Kevin

Together we stay sober .. alone we get drunk or high.
I have to have some me, we friends, hot and cold. Happy and sad. I’ve got to have it all.
If I’ve never been down I don’t know what it’s like to be up.
I know what it’s like to be down… poor me poor me buy me another drink.
But, now I can get out the water when I want to.

List of blessings…the good stuff.
A lesson or a blessing.
I gotta go through what I gotta go through to get where I need to go.

We do this together.
If you want to join me come on…
if you don’t I’m not gonna chase you.
Attraction not promotion.

IF you’re in the solution send a message of hope to the hopeless.


This disease makes you tell lies to yourself.
Locked up in your head, in your thoughts.
Don’t have to go to prison – locked in your thoughts.


Addiction will dance on your coffin.


Man called 2 am bout to kill himself and you can’t answer yo phone.

Put on the uniform but if you never get in the game you can score a touchdown.


I’m truly blessed. I’ve been truly overpaid if I were to die today.

I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna walk you through this. You need another individual who has walked down the path to walk you down that path. Somebody will take you down that path.

It is such a joy to humble yourself and be teachable.
Come here to learn how to stay sober
and carry that message on to the next alcoholic who is willing to listen.

Tried to outsmart the disease and now they’re dead.

I’m able to do what I want to do today because I’m sober.
Just stay sober one day one minute at a time.
Put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

We together stay sober. Get in the middle of the tribe. Get up front. Don’t wait. Its not coming to knock. Paid on your actions not on your intentions.

If I go out and use today it isn’t the program not working its because I decided not to use the program.

If I take a drink today there’s gonna be a yard sale tomorrow and half the shit aint gonna be mine.

Victim to the disease




&^Dan^&

i couldn’t do this alone and i tried so many times and don’t know how many times I failed.
Got to aa found out i couldn’t do this alone.
We, made sense.
I didn’t talk for a day or two or a year. 6.
Sometimes I just listen.
Read the stories and understand the Big Book.
We together solve each others problems or at least give suggestions.
We can survive another day of sobriety if WE want.

Write down what is going to make you use: Go and do it because it is going to happen. Have you found your yet, yet?
By being a group of ppl who understand each other. Ppl who haven’t been in addiction don’t understand.
I have been known to be wrong haha.

Gotta do the work and it’s free.






><Gerald><

We wasn’t never meant to be alone.

If in some way you come here and don’t see AA materializing in your life on a daily basis you’re doing something wrong.

Phobia of other ppls dogs. Coming at me all aggressive. Asked the Missus to put him up. She swore and called me an idiot. Didn’t respond didn’t escalate. Just left.

You get to see these little things.
If you’re not helping you’re hindering.
We is a group.
I come here to learn. To get through my day.

Can’t live yesterday over again. Can’t live tomorrow cause it never comes so I’ve got to live in here today.

Sometimes, somewhere in your life something gotta click.
I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed but I can cut ya.

Stopping and starting day over again.

I have to live for me but have other people in my life.
I can’t walk a straight and narrow but I’m not Jesus, I make mistakes.

Keep my feet planted moving forward.
Hope to never go backward but have people in case yet happens.

Nip shit in the bud.

Aint fittin to hit you in the head with a bottle today, I’m going the other way.

Anger is a big part of I fell down. YOU MADE ME DO IT. Umm nope.
Excuses excuses excuses.

I woke up this morning but I didn’t do it myself.



A day late and I brought four quarters!
So just enough and in the nick of time…
…for today and all we’ve got is now
peace, love, happy thoughts, and good vibes
whimsicaL Lackadaisy

Posted in recovery

0.twenty-two :: piqued curiosity | finding N.A.

NA . Meeting One

Who’s an addict?
What is the NA program?
Why are we here?
How it works (the stEPS)
Twelve Traditions
Daily Meditation
We do recover.

 

  • Living Clean. 1983
    • more will be revealed
    • we grow as individuals & as a fellowship
    • sharing, caring, & service
    • face life on its own terms without drugs
    • practice principles in life
    • impact of our recovery on our own lives and others
    • giving, living, loving more
    • we can find hope even when our lives are very difficult
    • different moments teach us, reach us, or help us breakthrough
    • collection of experience, strength, and hope


**Most important thing about living clean is that we’re ALIVE to do it.**
***Miracle of getting clean is not the last that we’ll experience.***
**We are living clean and every day the journey continues.**




Deon: service position? but am i honestly available? don’t want to overwhelm myself. never thought i could put on a jersey again. grateful for the opportunity.




 

-Justin-
going through it. this morning saw a video on facebook of 3 chicks doing meth. body just reacted to it. had an anxiety attack. called a “close mouth friend” for an ear.
feelings are temporary. you just have to let them pass. but that means you have to LET THEM PASS.
preparing for Dad to not be around anymore, he’s ill and getting his affairs in order in preparation for the end. i have to show him i’m ready to be on my own so he isn’t worried.
just for today clean – lean on people to keep me clean.

 





^Lee^ :: mom passed a couple years back. still painful.
              my addict – “King Kong on Steroids” telling me to “do this, use
              that, to avoid the pain.
15 years in August.
              streets out there don’t give a fuck about you.
              there is work to be done IN HERE.
              addiction doesn’t care it just wants to destroy you.
By being at a meeting, as addicts, we’re doing something against the grain.
              go back out misery refunded 154%.
              today is not a good day to die.




 


..Jesse..
2 years off coke. 1 year off meth.
Speaking up for prayers for a guy in need on
bus who got beat up and was having seizures.




#Brie
first got to the rooms was super prego and scared
weird to think b/c this place isn’t scary – out there is scary
all I could do was be here and listen, was speechless

chaired – everyone focused on me — self obsession
panic attack, overwhelmed
not about Me, about US

the meetings aren’t just HERE, this is a well-oiled machine

clean a building – get to get out of my head and sweat – keep from gaining cause “I eat!”
been only coming to a meeting when I chair
which is not enough
I feel lacking

sharing brought me out of my shell
that’s the 360




!!Victor!!
service positions kept him clean
get in there and get it – see the difference in your life & changes
friends from active use came in and got clean too
even some people who’ve gone back out have come back
what this program has to offer is AWESOME!
if you’re struggling – NOT worth picking up
“Hang out – get in someone’s back pocket”




))Dan((
b/c of these rooms … 4 months 1 day (19 yrs after 1st try to get clean)
gotta be the father my son needs (mom died in accident)
went into inpatient of own accord
son didn’t need/want stuff – needed Dad!
“being a father is brand-new to me” raised daughter in addiction
IF I DON’T DO IT FOR MYSESLF I’M NOT GOING TO DO IT FOR NOBODY ELSE.
felt like a DIRTbag but feel human again now being clean
son fills my heart – love myself again
routine::morning affirmation. picks up son out of bed and stands him up.
Neither here nor there – immaterial things
Love myself so I can love my son and my family again.
$$= 




Henry
used to “sleep” out in back of meeting room/at mcdonald’s
knows the homeless community, had been part of their community
HAVING Motivation to keep striving to stay clean
Motivated by gratitude list
living smarter, wiser, cleaner
Not going to forget where I came from or where I’ve been (ie homeless community)
Humble self – no
t going to forget




{Heather}
@NA we give back & run things from within
Stick and Stay
Don’t quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens




Who is an addict?

Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another—the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death.




What is the NA program?

NA is a nonprofit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovering addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean. This is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs. There is only one requirement for membership, the desire to stop using. We suggest that you keep an open mind and give yourself a break. Our program is a set of principles written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives. The most important thing about them is that they work.

There are no strings attached to NA. We are not affiliated with any other organizations. We have no initiation fees or dues, no pledges to sign, no promises to make to anyone. We are not connected with any political, religious, or law enforcement groups, and are under no surveillance at any time. Anyone may join us, regardless of age, race, sexual identity, creed, religion, or lack of religion.

We are not interested in what or how much you used or who your connections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help. The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away. We have learned from our group experience that those who keep coming to our meetings regularly stay clean.




Why are we here?

Before coming to the Fellowship of NA, we could not manage our own lives. We could not live and enjoy life as other people do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in drugs. We placed their use ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have drugs at all costs. We did many people great harm, but most of all we harmed ourselves. Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities we were actually creating our own problems. We seemed to be incapable of facing life on its own terms.

Most of us realized that in our addiction we were slowly committing suicide, but addiction is such a cunning enemy of life that we had lost the power to do anything about it. Many of us ended up in jail, or sought help through medicine, religion, and psychiatry. None of these methods was sufficient for us. Our disease always resurfaced or continued to progress until, in desperation, we sought help from each other in Narcotics Anonymous.

After coming to NA we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible.




How it works (the stEPS)

If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the effort to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the principles that made our recovery possible.

1.  We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4.  We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.  We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.  We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7.  We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8.  We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.  We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.  We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11.  We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

This sounds like a big order, and we can’t do it all at once. We didn’t become addicted in one day, so remember—easy does it.

There is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery; this is an attitude of indifference or intolerance toward spiritual principles. Three of these that are indispensable are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. With these we are well on our way.

We feel that our approach to the disease of addiction is completely realistic, for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. We feel that our way is practical, for one addict can best understand and help another addict. We believe that the sooner we face our problems within our society, in everyday living, just that much faster do we become acceptable, responsible, and productive members of that society.

The only way to keep from returning to active addiction is not to take that first drug. If you are like us you know that one is too many and a thousand never enough. We put great emphasis on this, for we know that when we use drugs in any form, or substitute one for another, we release our addiction all over again.

Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse. Before we came to NA, many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover.




Twelve Traditions

We keep what we have only with vigilance, and just as freedom for the individual comes from the Twelve Steps, so freedom for the group springs from our traditions.

As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well.

1.  Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on NA unity.

2.  For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3.  The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.

4.  Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or NA as a whole.

5.  Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.

6.  An NA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the NA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7.  Every NA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8.  Narcotics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9.  NA, as such, ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10.  Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the NA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11.  Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.

12.  Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.




Daily Meditation

May 22

Symptoms of a spiritual awakening

“The steps lead to an awakening of a spiritual nature.  This awakening is evidenced by changes in our lives.”

Basic Text, p. 49

––––=––––

We know how to recognize the disease of addiction.  Its symptoms are indisputable.  Besides an uncontrollable appetite for drugs, those suffering exhibit self-centered, self-seeking behavior.  When our addiction was at its peak of activity, we were obviously in a great deal of pain.  We relentlessly judged ourselves and others, and spent most of our time worrying or trying to control outcomes.

Just as the disease of addiction is evidenced by definite symptoms, so is a spiritual awakening made manifest by certain obvious signs in a recovering addict.  We may observe a tendency to think and act spontaneously, a loss of interest in judging or interpreting the actions of anyone else, an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment, and frequent attacks of smiling.

If we see someone exhibiting symptoms of a spiritual awakening, we should be aware that such awakenings are contagious.  Our best course of action is to get close to these people.  As we begin having frequent, overwhelming episodes of gratitude, an increased receptiveness to the love extended by our fellow members, and an uncontrollable urge to return this love, we’ll realize that we, too, have had a spiritual awakening.

––––=––––

Just for today:  My strongest desire is to have a spiritual awakening.  I will watch for its symptoms and rejoice when I discover them.

 

We do recover.

 

Got my first NA keychain to celebrate joining the program.
Posted in recovery

0.seventeen – whimsically wandering

My mind is in a positive swirl of colors today.
It is a weird surreal unbalance to be in.
I don’t feel bad, at all, I feel really good but not correct.

Oh well, I enjoy colorful days on occasion, I think it is a way for my mind to breath outside the medications a little bit. I feel expanded.

I went to a meeting on Wednesday and it was amazing.
I was welcomed back with literal open arms and so much joy and fellowship at The Fellowship.
I love this meeting hall above any I’ve been to, it is like going home.
I didn’t get to NA as I planned this week, my sleeping interfered with waking back up at noon after getting home and to bed at 9 am.
But I will, soon, and I’m excited to.

AA 15.15.19
Meeting One:

Know God,
know peace.
No God, I want to know God again.
no peace. I can’t seem to find him, yet.

*Haven’t honestly given myself to this simple program until now. Was constantly dishonest – didn’t seem to have the capacity to be honest, honestly I wasn’t ready to quit for good and therefore not ready for help.*

Live         Easy        Butfor          Think…     ..First

andLet     Does      theGrace          Think         Things

Live           It            ofGod           …Think        First

I am responsible….
When anyone, anywhere
reaches out for help, I want
the hand of A.A. always to be there
and for that: I am responsible.

Make the doorknob your god [higher power].” (Click for an article that is a great read)

Stop and start our day over whenever we want to.

“People gonna be people and people gonna do things” – Gerald’s mama.
*Can’t control what people do/say – take what you need and put the rest on the back burner*

programmed self to do certain things in our addiction. AA programs you to change your life – IF you WANT to.

“I got to tell someone something good to change their life. Rather than how to jack, steal, junp, rob, etc. Something GOOD to CHANGE their life..”

Resentments: must forgive to be forgiven

“Enjoying Me.
finding peace in A.A., with God, in life, with self” – D

+No peace always chaos, all these things were happening to me – I did them to myself.
you can’t forget your past, but you don’t have to live it everyday.
wow – I did that: homelessness, brown paper sack, didn’t know how I was gonna pay my phone bill, jail… but A.A. brought me out+ – John

“Such a know it all, you couldn’t tell me shit. I know it all!
Surrender & powerlessness.
I could remove alcohol and drugs and I was still a turd; I have to work at being a good person.
Pride – know it all
but I really don’t know shit
Started reading for real this time and at page 8 hit a word I didn’t know – it was humbling
To find God (hardest part for me) had to have my mind open and heart open to form a relationship and get perspective on it.
Went to church because I was intrigued they had something I didn’t, they were happy, at least on Sundays, when they sang they sang. I tried to figure it out and as for the definition of faith and was told you can’t “figure it out” it is something you feel.” – Steve

The ability to adapt to different situations – learned through A.A.

[faith – believing in something unseen. Mind starts changing. -Gerald]

Before ignored “as we understood Him” just shut down “God.”
*I was in my feelings*

“Sticks and stones…” is what we were taught
Bullshit! Words don’t go away
Bruises and breaks heal Words make people
jump off bridges, drink,
etc.

I SHARED!!! I admitted my last 7 or 8 month relapsing and that this was my first time back in the rooms sober since.
I was told keep to keep coming back as is the A.A. way.
What matters is how I proceed to move forward my life forward.
Stop and start day over, as needed.
Gerald said he knew I’d fallen off but “We don’t shoot our wounded. These rooms is like a hospital – come here receive treatment” as to why he didn’t call me on it.

Lastly, you MAD but the person you mad about already went on about their business and forgot about you and whatever they did/said that you are letting mess up your day.

It was a good meeting.

Posted in recovery

I AM YOUR DISEASE

I Am Your Disease

You know who I am, you’ve called me your friend,
Wishes of misery and heartache I send,
I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees,
I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease.

I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul,
I’ll become your new master, in total control,
I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game,
Till your entire existence is crippled with shame.

When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise,
Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise,
But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared,
I’ll only want to hurt you, with no mercy spared.

If you have your own family, I will see it destroyed,
I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed,
I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please,
I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease.

I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell,
I’ll sweep through heaven, then drop you in hell,
I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go,
And then when I catch you, you won’t even know.

I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike,
What’s yours becomes mine, cause I take what I like.
I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees,
I’m your constant companion… I am your disease.

If you have any honour, I’ll strip it away,
You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray,
I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare,
I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care.

So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime,
I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time,
I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of ease,
I’m that madman inside you… I am your disease.

But today I’m real angry… you want to know why?
I let this treatment centre full of Addicts entirely slip by,
How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong?
One minute I had you… the next you were gone.

You can’t just dismiss all the good times we’ve shared,
When you were alone… wasn’t it I who appeared?
When you sold those possessions you knew you would need,
Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed?

Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear,
You escaped with your lives when you found your way here,
Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat,
It’s what you must say when you’re claiming your seat.

Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose,
But, I’m not giving up cause I can’t stand to lose.
So stand in your groups and support hand in hand,
Better choices will save you… leaving me damned.

Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week,
Be damned inner strength, however unique,
Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches,
Be damned every Addict, who back to me strays.

For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before,
Those who love misery will crawl back for more.
So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here,
But next time around, you’d just better beware.

You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time,
There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb.
Well if that’s what you’re thinking, you ain’t learned a thing,
I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring.

But you say you surrendered, so what can I do?
It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you,
Creating your nightmare for me was a dream,
I’m sure gonna miss you… we made quite a team.

So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you,
I’ll stand by your side watching all that you do,
I’m ready and waiting so call if you please,
I won’t let you forget me… I am your disease.

-Unknown

I am so impressed. I wish there was someone to credit its creation to.
No more writing for me, I’m not going to follow that up.
The author is spot on, though!

Posted in recovery

0.ten – kindred spirits

Loving this word: Perspicacity
a penetrating discernment —a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight.

Perspicacityis an abstract noun describing a certain capacity of a certain capability.
(Such an awesome sentence that leaves you wanting more!)

I’ve fallen in LOVE

I’ve fallen in LOVE

True love I swear it be

With my new recovery
Program!!

I’ve chosen

Narcotics Anonymous

So I have been an avid Alcoholics Anonymous follower, when I’m avidly following some idea of a recovery program. BUT NOW I want to shout it from the rooftops that I havr finally found where I belong!! NA is eye opening; people out there understand me. I’ve been working on Step 1 questions from the program’s original step working guide and it made me read the NA book to answer a question so I started scanning for the answer and words started catching my eye. I knew I wasn’t going to get a good answer only half-assing my 101 page reading assignment and I was interested so I started at the first page and fell in love!! If I wasn’t seeing stars from being so tired after working my 2 am shift I’d still be reading it but I stopped at step 2 because I don’t want to read ahead and overwhelm myself. I may do so anyway after I nap.

The language and voice in the NA book is so different from that of the Big Book. I felt like I was chatting with someone my age with tattoos telling me about this exclusive “get clean for real this time” offer they’ve got going on. I know it isn’t especial for me, right? It sure seemed like it was while reading. I feel this program is exactly what my attempts at getting clean have been missing.

I wasn’t a fan of the longer meetings and the crowd where I went to a couple times I tried it was a bit rough. Hell, I need to put the extra time into my recovery and who am I to judge anyone?! Things are coming together.

Also, in no way am I dogging AA, the steps are exactly the same and the program is similar and I felt at home at my homegroup. I’m so darned excited to get a sponsor in NA. To talk to people about the struggles of methamphetamine withdrawal, specifically. It is so rad – the NA book has a chapter on Recovery and Relapse. I always wondered why relapse was so hush hush in AA, it seemed like to do so was to insult the group or at least specific people. I’m even planning on sharing and I never share at AA.

Okay nap time!! I’ll leave you with some NA wisdom:

Posted in recovery

stEP.1 :: mercy!! Uncle!! I surrender!!

Step1 :: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Part1:
Powerlessness

This is a definite tough place to start for me. I’ve always felt that I consciously made my choice to use, and I don’t want to admit I can’t control my addiction on my own. I’ve also lived by not being the victim and owning my own shit. My dad and I both have never been able to wrap our heads around admitting powerlessness being a strength. After reading, a lot, I’ve finally found that I can accept and admit that I am powerless over my disease of addiction or I would have been able to stay quit all these times I have relapsed over the last 8 months.
The softest and easiest to accept way that I found powerlessness described was: “accepting what is and believing in what could be.” I like it and if I don’t want to deal with the issue I’m having with my pride in accepting giving up control, I’d roll with it. But I want to deal with all these things I have glossed over in my failed attempts to stay clean up until now. I did like a part by the same author saying, “accepting what is and what is not” as to accepting powerlessness and she defines it differently stating that powerlessness is, “admitting that no amount of trying or practicing or self-control” could overcome my addiction.

I found a great post that gave me questions to answer for step 1 as well as lists to be made and I wrote a lot. This is the first step toward regaining control and taking my life back.

Can change: my attitudes, my actions.
Cannot change: other people’s emotions or actions, my disease of addiction, the past
This is what I believe is meant behind the “accepting what is and what is not” and appreciate the great ideas brought about. I just don’t believe that that is all that admitting powerlessness is about.
I think admitting powerlessness is a lot more humbling and personally invasive. I can accept my life being unmanageable without any pause, I know it is true. The concept that I’m, “without power, strength, or ability; wholly unable to act, influence, etc; helpless, impotent!” is something I struggle to convince myself of. My ego makes me want to scream, “I’ve got power! I’ve got strength!”

I think a part of my problem is that I get my daughter Riley every weekend and even with clean UAs and nearly completing treatment Grayson still won’t let me have my time with Hope. I’m unmotivated and in staying clean I’m demotivating.
I realize I can‘t do this without help.

Proof I’m powerless: I’m drawn right back in even though I am content in life and WANT to stay sober.
I have a disease. Just like my schizophrenia and bipolar this is not within my control, I’m no victim but that helps me admit that I am powerless. I have to take medications for my mental illnesses.
The idea of lacking free will though is disheartening and I found that viewing it as such increases the likelihood of failure.
If I don’t believe I can succeed in controlling my addictive behavior, I’m less likely to try.
So boo helpless.
Powerlessness does not say powerless over my actions, decisions, or relationships just over drugs.
I am in control of staying clean and keeping active in my sobriety.
I may not feel like it but I know I am in control over if I go pick up.
I never lacked free will, my addiction just often overpowers it. So I’ll say I’ll say I’m not powerless but my addiction is more powerful than my strength of will.
If I get in the ring with my addiction my addiction will win, likely in the first round.
I don’t view powerlessness as weakness? Oh yes I actually do, I was taught to not give up and I always can do whatever I put my mind to BUT I’ve not been able to kick on my own after multiple tries so over my addiction SOLELY I am powerless.
Talking myself through it and heading in the right direction.
Admitting powerlessness is a step of strength, surrendering things I can’t control.
I never quite understood what powerlessness felt like until this last go ’round where I want to be quit but I keep using for no reason, I’m not trying to escape anything anymore.
So I am convinced and can accept that I am powerless over my disease of addiction. I cannot control it on my own, I need help. For that I will be reaching out to NA for the first time. I’m liking the changes in my outlook that I’m feeling. I just dove into the NA book while working on 1st step questions via their “original step working guides” I found online. I swore I was all about AA and I realize that may have been a mistake since I didn’t even try to experience NA, I got comfortable. This Step 1 is going to take a few parts so I don’t overwhelm you since I want to document all of what I do and I’m really working this step. First step to loving life again!

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?

Harry Shearer
Posted in reblog, recovery

DR – April 12, 2019 — The Wandering Enigma

Daily Recovery ReadingsApril 12, 2019 Daily Reflection GIVING UP INSANITY “. . . where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane.” — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 38 Alcoholism required me to drink, whether I wanted to or not. Insanity dominated my life and was the essence of my disease. It robbed me of the […]

DR – April 12, 2019 — The Wandering Enigma

Inspired to share by:

DailyReflections : giving up insanity

The Language of Letting Go – CoDependency : letting go of fear

Great reads!

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.9 – dueling experiments *throwaway*

Wonders I’m wondering.
Serendipitous topic ideas running unfiltered through my noggin.
Jotted some scribbles to decipher..
Fun new word!
As I go, maybe, I’ll explain.
grasp those straws!

kiLLing it with kindness. brad word for word what I have in my notepad[app]

It’s the first entry and I know what it’s about. My entitled attitude having self…
Earlier this morning I was being a real snooty princess type (which I don’t do ever) about getting to finish the new parts before having to go back to the usual ones in that I was hoarding the newbies and got all protective of my stash when Brad showed up wanting in on the goods.
He ACTUALLY works there (on probation) but just recently graduated out of temp-status and is a bit “off” or maybe just on the spectrum.
Either way I called it right with this note.
I started off being snarky and dismissive, being pretty emasculating to boot, a real grade A asshole, I now realize, and I was in a good mood all the while.
I was even so petty that I wouldn’t move my parts an inch to give him room at his “usual” (when he works with us lowly temps-I’m being honest about my attitude to my embarrassment and it is how he treats us: “YOU guys … while I [something more important]) spot at the table. My reasoning: in order for him to get it at all he just literally rolled his chair into the newest temp without even an excuse me so I was getting payback … for her. The old lady next to me moved my stuff when I left the table and reminded me about compassion when I returned.
Well HELLO exactly what I needed to hear, right?
Guess it wasn’t enough for me because I made a point to, calmly yet snappily, tell Brad that he has a habit of tornado-ing through other people’s work areas to create his own space. Damned if the guy didn’t thank me, for letting him know, SINCERELY, not a drop of sarcasm.
THAT snapped me out of my Brad-warpath I was on and it wasn’t even an hour into the day. I went back and started my day over like they say to do in Alcoholics Anonymous

GOAL: attend AA tomorrow before Riley arrives

and I decided kindness was my kick for the day and maybe even a dash of empathy!
It worked though, Brad and I got along well and not in the fake coworkers kind of way but we had some interesting conversations (well interesting to him but I played ball, with empathy even – for myself – no really, I was good).
What made me know that we’d gotten somewhere in our coworkship (coworker relationship, its a thing!..) was when he said to me, he goes, “If I ever make inappropriate comments or make anyone feel uncomfortable, can you please let me know? I can’t always tell.” Even better than just anyone asking such a proactive request, Brad’s nickname (and our next topic suggestion) is Two-Cents… you’ll see


It does not matter how slowly you go

as long as you do not stop.

Confucius

two-cent$again just like my notepad[app] has it


So I got excited and got ahead of myself tripping over that last sentence.
I’m doing html coding – is that correct? – to relearn how to build a webpage
(I first learned in 5th grade, I believe, and never did use it so I lost it)
and after this mess of a post will add SUBTLETIES to future posts and this allows me to do that. Okay, sorry, run-on big time.


Right, Brad! two-cent$ got his nickname for the fact that he will offputtingly interject himself into your already booked conversation using some incredibly unhumorous statement – sometimes while someone else is still talking – that, of course, he and only he finds hilarious and very rarely does he have any clue as to what the conversation is actually about so it is even more of a sore thumb. Occasionally he’ll grab a word he hears someone say or thinks he does, and, with no context, just roll with that to try to get included.
It is CRINGY, to steal my daughter’s word – I now get what it means and the feeling that word exudes is borderline physically painful.
two-cent$ is very aware that he does this, so when he asked me to let him know about making people uncomfortable…I was straight up:
“Dude [insert above description] so do you mean when you’re not INTENTIONALLY doing so? How do I…decide?” No sugar getting coated, we’re buds now, right?.
Then it gets downright depressing as he tells me – his best coworkship-person – about how he eats his meals in his room now because he got tired of having nothing to add to his parents’ conversation at the dinner table. He kept reminding me that they really want him to eat down there with them but that the only way he was part of conversations was by doing what he does: knowingly rudely interrupting people’s conversations.
He definitely is socially awkward but he knows what he’s doing is not acceptable adult real-world behavior.
I did tell him I would keep him apprised of any other social ineptitude I may witness.

“Tired minds don’t plan well.

Sleep first. Plan later.”

Walter Reisch

laSt and beSt ~ lotSa wordS

introducing my newest word

with its multitude of fraternal twins:

Earworm aka a brainworm, sticky music, stuck song syndrome, or Involuntary Musical Imagery (IMI) is a catchy piece of music that continually repeats through a person’s mind after it is no longer playing.

my Earworm today

More words! some of my favorite lyrics ever! (not the whole song, which rocks) but these:

This is how it works
You’re young until you’re not
You love until you don’t
You try until you can’t
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else’s heart
Pumping someone else’s blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don’t get harmed
But even if it does
You’ll just do it all again

Regina Spektor, On the Radio

I absolutely adore these lyrics. It explains life and relationships to the T and makes me smile while doing it. I’ll break it down for your entertainment and hopeful enjoyment later. It is too late and I am too tired but here is the rest of my topics list:

thank you for indulging me while I try

HTML

Posted in recovery

aLL the sobeR ladies, too(2)

This is the “Continued” portion of the TBCed aLL the sobeR ladies blog post I literally just published. I got cut off my the post which I didn’t know was a thing and now I do! Here’s to experiences and learning from them!!

That sentence sums up the biggest flaw in the Women for Sobriety New Life Program, it lacks owning your character defects, admitting them all out loud to another person, and forgiving yourself while keeping our past available to reference in times of tribulation. I’ve avoided doing a 4th step like it is the plague and I would have no issue writing down my shortcomings and all my dirty laundry so long as no one is ever going to see it. For Level 2 of WFSNLP it is suggested “to write down in detail our concepts, experiences, difficulties, and feelings.” I don’t feel that the softer approach is the wrong one but I feel that WFSNLP is the set up without the follow through, recognizing the problem but not confronting and dealing with the real issues. If it were as simple as loving myself, being positive, and wanting it to stay sober I’d be years sober because I have all of that going on. That is what I see the WFSNLP providing women self confidence, empowerment, and communication skills but it isn’t nearly enough to maintain sobriety.

In the Ninth Step Promises the Big Book tells us we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Our past does not have to define us, who we are, or how we live our lives; we need to forgive but not forget so we don’t doom ourselves to repeat the same mistakes. That seems to be a big part of WSFNLP’s theme, starting a New life and forgetting the past. It promotes “discarding negative thoughts” instead of changing our outlook and turning a negative into a positive; again, a glaring difference is the choice to ignore and/or forget the hardships and trials in life not to do something to change them or find benefit in experiencing life in whole: the good the bad and the beautiful but especially in recovery you can’t skip the painful and/or difficult stuff.

Level 5 – Relationships improving due to being happy and positive. No duh. They don’t even touch on handling the aftermath of our actions in addiction. Seeking forgiveness and accepting responsibility don’t seem to be mentioned much within this program. It seems that a person in WFSNLP can just opt out of resolving the wreckage left by the alcoholic/addict tornado. The past is not to be worried over or to carry guilt for so add insult to injury and act as though you don’t know anything about the pain you caused everyone around you. That definitely negates the good person aspect I at least hoped was part of the program.

Then there is this drivel: “Our culture has taught us to be over-dependent on others – by attaching our self-esteem to our relationships and to approval from others. Our value as a person often depends on our relation to others and not on our own intrinsic worth. On the other hand, we fear and dread rejection and hurt. Now is the time to take risks – be open about our feelings – be vulnerable – balance giving and receiving.” So the whole idea that these exact characteristics that you claim your program relieves women of through affirmations and happy thoughts you are now using as justification to continue being oppressed like we’re in the 50’s or 40’s?

It is 2019 and the only way to survive is on a two person income, stay at home moms are on food stamps and in state afforded housing; women may not be equal but we’re running right along side men at this point. The American culture hasn’t promoted being codependent any time recently. We empower our daughters nowadays. This program is giving excuses for feeling like a person: everyone dreads rejection and hurt. And what kind of risks is a woman taking in being open about her feelings that is ALL we seem to be now. I feel like I was in a time warp reading that.

Alas, I’ve digressed. It is apparent there is a lot left to be desired from the Women for Sobriety New Life Program as a life-coach facility let alone when claiming that it is a recovery program for people suffering from alcoholism and addiction.

I’m jumping off of my soapbox and going to go fact check myself before publishing it because I don’t want to end up having missed a unicorn rocking a mohawk as that is the level of miracle I’d have to find to make the WFSNLProgram anything more than a positive thinking support group. Damn it you cast aside bad thoughts instead of changing the perspective since that is where the problem is not the tossed aside thought.

I checked and they are proud to be the worst kind of recovery program I’ve come across and I stayed in a “sober living” house with 9 other girls for 500 dollars per and 3 people in my room, this program is worse because it is knowingly leading women and girls astray with all their thorough explanations of it being an “abstinence based” program and how it adhere’s to women’s sensitivities. A disgrace is all that is. I do hope that they are able to help more than harm and its never a bad thing to address defects of character to whatever degree they write about it. I’m also all for positive thinking and affirmations which, they are for sure putting questionable values out there, but at least it is with a smile and a heart full of love.

Posted in recovery

The Ninth Step Promises

The Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. 
They will always materialize if we work for them.


Big Book pages 83 & 84 

These are what practicing the principles of AA promises every alcoholic and addict to be able to achieve and receive through working an honest twelve step program with a sponsor.
I added all the “requirements” because they do matter in the materialization of these promises as we must put in the work to reap the rewards and it shows in who is in it to win it and the people still riding the fence – sometimes similar but distinctly different programs.

Posted in recovery

aLL the sobeR ladies

I found a page called Women for Sobriety and they approach the Program a little bit differently than Alcoholics Anonymous which follows the 12 steps and 12 traditions, instead they promote their “The Program” aka The Women for Sobriety New Life Program (WSNLP to me now) and that involves 13 “Acceptance Statements.” They promote a new way of life through a new way of thinking and that is something I already do through turning negativity into a positive outcome and focusing on loving myself first so I am definitely interested. I’m going to share with you their 13 Acceptance Statements and my thoughts on them to give you a comprehensive idea of what the WSNLP is about.

Just ran across their 4 steps to nurture behavioral changes and the first two are on point with what I urge others to do just with themselves so that is kind of cool:
1. Positive reinforcement (approval and encouragement) SAME JUST WITH SELF
2. Cognitive strategies (positive thinking) SAME
3. Letting the body help (relaxation techniques, meditation, diet and physical exercise) A GREAT WAY TO ATTEND TO YOUR WHOLE SELF
4. Dynamic group involvement NOT SO MUCH SINCE IT BEING ALL ABOUT YOU IS PART OF SELF LOVE

I FEEL LIKE I WAS STANDING ACROSS THE ROOM FROM YOU YELLING MY IDEAS AFTER READING IN A NORMAL VOICE ALL RUDE LIKE. I SAW YOU MOTIONING FOR ME TO QUIET DOWN BUT I’M JUST ENTHUSIASTIC!

The program concentrates on learning new self-enhancing behavior and developing a sense of empowerment and self-efficacy.” THIS IS ON POINT

WFS-NLP Acceptance Statements
1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life and my well-being. I accept the responsibility. 
Sounding pretty familiar but a bit more dire than Step 1.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious sober act is to reduce negativity in my life.
Acceptance AND action I like it! Negativity is the crux of the problem.
3. Happiness is a habit I am developing.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
Action lovin' it! Not any more vague than the first few steps.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit.
I now better understand my problems. I do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
Learning to self soothe and taking responsibility for our reactions, impressive.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
Maybe C-words weren't the best choice but I'm all about positive self talk.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
Some days just are mediocre and part of recovery is accepting that as okay.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring is all important.
Not really for this one but self love and self care are numero uno.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into proper order knowing which are the priorities.
I'll agree that personal growth is  and that encompasses those so okay.
9. The past is gone forever.
No longer am I victimized by the past. I am a new woman.
The past still happened and is something to learn from and appreciate. Also, the past
didn't victimize anyone. Own your shit and move forward with the wisdom from it.
10. All love gives returns.
I am learning to know that I am loved.
If we include negative returns then true. Must love yourself first.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure the moments of my New Life.
Lost me on daily enthusiasm I enjoy being reserved. "New Life" like you can throw
out the old one like it never happened? Not for this lack of appreciation of life lived.
12. I am a competent woman, and I have much to give life.
This is what I am, and I shall know it always.
More positive self talk, I'm all for it. You are much more than just competent though.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
That is it? Glad everyone has their wits about them but my mind abandoned ship for
a while so, hey, I'm the minority not many alcoholics or addicts have mental health 
disorders right? Yeah read sarcasm as that is opposite of correct. I can get behind the
thoughts and life and self and actions just want a little wiggle room for my mind too.

So all in all I am getting that they figured out the same thing I figured out – that in order to live a fulfilling and worthwhile life you have to love and take care of yourself. They started off strong with actionable follow ups to the acceptance but then I feel they just started throwing around positive affirmations rather than getting to the core of the problem: you’ve got to love yourself first and accept yourself including your past mistakes and experiences. 
This reads like a woman wrote it, it has a lot of fluffy niceties but lacks real substance or character building and in the end these ladies are still running from their issues. The steps embrace the manliness a bit more they are very direct and to the point and while WFSers are hiding their skeletons deeper in their closets the Program forces you, when you’re still raw, to face EVERYTHING you have ever done in your life. It works for a huge amount of people to finally get honest (which is the basis of my self love program but with another person knowing everything too. I respect it.) like they don’t want to ever have to admit anything ever again and are now leading an honest existence in the Program so BAM we get good people made!

ToBeContinuedinaLLthesobeRladiestoo2 Continue reading “aLL the sobeR ladies”