0 days – aNother bitiNg of duSt

Admitting my shit to you is a lot harder than I expected it to be on this one.
I haven’t been lying but I haven’t been being honest either.
Playing games that I hate, to avoid asking for help or whatever it is that I need of you, my reader.

sobeRELAPSED

sO that happened.
picKed up this past Thursday.
4 days totaL oFF scRipt

feeling ashamed and foolish
it is me who is fucking my shit up for me
AND WHY? because I wanted more energy back right now, I didn’t want to do the work. I’ve got to do the work.

ADMITTING IT NOW because I’m ready to do sobeR again NOW and need to NOW.

i am maKing a conscious effort to NOT hit up micK and need to throw out the pipe i bought to utilize as soon as it is all gONe.
aDDict me: caNNot toss any doPe in the trash :: will make certain dONe and gONe before beD tONight.
typINg like its a RaNsOM noTe because iT iS — my dopefiend aSS is holding my sobrieTy hostage from mYself.
RaNsOM? reaLLy beiNg reaDy and waNting to quiT and sTay quiT.

There is the rub – am I and do I?
I want to be ready and I don’t want to stress over and lie about what I am doing anymore. In order for me to be honest I have to stay sober, high me lies for no reason.
The idea of not using ever again seems preposterous but that is future tripping and not helpful. I like to get high and that isn’t changing (even while making myself sick knowingly smoking too much so that it will deter me)…and liking to do something I shouldn’t do is not reasonable argument for doing it.
I cannot forget that I am a master manipulator and I am fantastic at convincing myself to do the wrong thing and brilliantly justify my bad behavior BUT have been being honest with myself way more so and pretty brutally.
Already planning my relapse for after I’ve gained ten pounds back Yowza doing this off script may make the actions I do within this chaos more attainable because I’m already overwhelming myself.

pLan for beTTermenT of liFe

daiLy uPdates :: monTh.Day (0.1, 0.2, 0.3 then 1,1, 1.2, 1.3, etc. ) – poSt titLe
focus at least 1 paragraph/4 sentences to checking in about recovery and/or
create template/layout with questions to check in on daily
weekLy goaLs :: cReate new caTegory (StoP tYping LiKe aN aSShoLe NOW) post every
Monday so I can start today :: 2 goal minimum
get BigBook back out and pg 78? every morning …not likely but need to try different ideas.
Medications NIGHTLY and put GAB and some Prozac in car for high anxiety days. (Reduce trazadone on weekends and possibly during week
Set up a check list to document and keep accountable.
Honestly identify and document relapse triggers (ex. weight gain) and what to do rather than use (bullshit I know I wont do) THE RUB!

Brainstorm Ideas for actions/activities to keep me ACTIVELY sober.
Point: I am very focused on using when I’m in ACTIVE addiction but haven’t been being ACTIVE in my sobriety when I am sober. The more I focus on not using is just more time spent focusing on meth. I need to focus on BEING SOBER first. Staying sober will come after I can learn to be sober first.
I admitted all to Alex as well. Continue honesty even if I slip I need to be forthcoming when it happens not later. The real thing to do is bring it up before I pick up because I know and plan my relapses now that I’ve been on the 2-3 weeks gripping the wagon and 1-2 weeks bailing out the back and going on a binge for the past 5 months.
Telling someone I am planning to use before picking up is the correct thing to do but that is me choosing not to use (asking to be talked out of it) and therein lies the issue.

I do not know how to stop wanting to get high. I know it takes time. This last 20 days that I made it up until Thursday I wasn’t craving using so much as I was wanting to have energy. I had been starting to be awake for an hour or two after work toward the end. Life doesn’t have time for my body to readjust my sleep schedule but I have to make time and remember that every time I pick up again all that time my body spent healing is flushed with another couple days added to the length of time I’ll be dead to the world.

Goals, count-up widget for 30 days, google app for sobriety count, lose bEck’s number, vent through blogging, get out of bed by 530 every am, lay out clothes night prior,

hi there!
I could use all the help i can get so any suggestions, ideas, critiques, etc. comment or contact me perty please!!
Thank you!

This blog is saving my ass because I was going to re-up tonight and just keep up the charade until I was ready to face it but definitely put that off for a while. Then I read a couple blog posts that really affected me to a core part of myself that I thought died when Grayson abducted my girls and everything went to hell overnight lit up a bit. Today, though, I was flooded with feelings of empathy, for a minute I let myself care for real, and I for a quick thirty seconds I felt a little rush of hope. I’d have gotten more meth if not for those small but huge mini-emotional breakthroughs. No idea why today but very grateful for it and should maybe put a little faith out there in working on things in my sobriety.

Off to set me some goals and create an outline. Any and all ideas welcomed.
future.ex@dopefiend.blog
lyric@dopefiend.blog

day 24 – kinda sorta maybe

My brain already went out to LackadaisicalWhimsy about an hour ago and I enjoyed typing that up.
And that is pretty much all there is to my Sunday.
I’m still in my sleepwear.
Have since applied jeans to my legs.

12 sTeP AcroNYMS

  • GOD : Good Orderly Direction :: Following the guidance of your Higher Power
  • EGO : Edging God Out :: Trying to do things MY way and needing to do God’s will
  • FEAR : False Evidence Appearing Real :: Fear is an illusion and not real
  • KISS : Keep It Simple, Stupid :: Work smarter not harder
  • HOPE : Hearing Other People’s Experiences :: Feeling not alone. Listening is an art.
  • FINE : Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional :: You read my mind

i’M hAVING aNXIETY oVER mY nEW aNXIETY



A weird feeling: It is never enough but always too much.
Constantly feeling unsatisfied.
It isn’t how I feel usually but am experiencing some anxiety from it right now.
Constantly isn’t the correct word because while it is a constant on my nerves at this moment this is a new type of anxiety for me.
I don’t do enough anything.
Usually I am very happy with me but I don’t feel good in my skin right now.
A certainty of uncertainty.
Avoidance forever or how long will I hold onto my own idiocy.

day 23 – haphazard woolgathering

“Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing.”

Woody Allen, Deconstructing Harry

see me

Trying out some of these different options. I have been screwing around on my blog all day and really all night too.
I wrote my sKippingbackwarDs page and ended up cutting over half because I liked the top portion for that specified topic but what I cut branched into a new area of the same type of topic… I did copy it over to a draft (I didn’t think to do something so logical I copied it into my Nimbus Notes) well I kept it!
Soon I’ll grace you with my advice, or promotion more so, on loving yourself. My life is pretty shit-mediocre-ish, no matter I enjoy the heck out of it, and I am happy and satisfied in it in big part because I have such a good relationship with myself and honest love and like of me.
This format is driving me bonkers!
Thank you, next.

  1. Aww come on push it.
  2. What’s the worst that could happen?
  3. I would sincerely enjoy comments in response to the above question.
  4. This is how I make a list which I do believe I have tried!! Lame-me lol.
  5. Look now it is new to me it is a numbered list!
  6. Seriously touch it!!
This is rad!Ooooh I see.I’m learning how tables work
I was sure that I’d messed up the whole deal.
Just learned that I can take two linesUgh that is ugly haha middle!!
I should add 2+2=4
I’ve done it now I’ve done it

Thank you for enduring my shenanigans and still continuing to read!!

I have done less than nothing today and thoroughly enjoyed myself.
My only act that made a difference to someone else in the world today was picking up Alex, my boyfriend, from the mechanic where he took his car this morning. In doing so I was also dropping myself off and allowing him to use my car. Better yet, my car needed oil, a bath, and a good vacuuming and trash stop which he, being the amazing guy he is, agreed to doing all of. Also he is absolutely okay with my enjoying dicking off on my laptop all day.
Shoot I should be decent and clean something huh?

This was all a setup and I failed my portion of the exam you never saw me

Will this work better? I guess I won’t be able to tell until I type a bit in this box it seems. It seems interesting that you are interested in what I may have to say on different topics. I appreciate you, every one of the two people who have come by to check me out. I wonder if that had been the case if I’d be sad. I’m doing this as a weird kind of therapy to keep me from making more unnecessary left turns in life. This should be enough.

day 22 – revised silhouette

deception2

I found this quote and it has me perplexed. I’ve been trying to simplify it in order to define its meaning. It seems really obvious but then doesn’t seem to add up.
Below I take the long way through my thinking and writing process to decipher this little gem.

Word for word substitutions: Existence/soul/survival is the creativity/mastery/ability of living/ensuing/enduring effectively/thoroughly/skillfully beguiled/deluded/fooled; and so that/so/that one may the duplicity/disinformation/guile can/be allowed/be permitted triumph/prosper/advance it has to/be obliged to/should be continual/perpetual/routine/typical and unbroken/successive/sustained.

Survival is the ability of enduring thoroughly fooled; and so that the disinformation can advance it has to be routine and sustained.

Existence is the creativity of living effectively beguiled; and that one may the duplicity be allowed triumph it should be perpetual and successive.

Soul is the mastery of ensuing skillfully deluded; and so the guile be permitted prosper it be obliged to be continual or typical and unbroken.

Breakdown through definitions: Living things and their activity is the expression of human creative skill and imagination of existence, being alive in a good or satisfactory way cause to believe something that is not true or give the mistaken impression or fail to admit to oneself that something is true; and so that the thing that deceives expressing possibility achieve the desired aim or result it be obliged to be done or doing constantly; regular; usual and without a break in the continuity.

Now I’m going to try some comprehension of the mess above:
Given a little change
Our existence is the expression of reality aptly mislead; and so that this falsity disguised as truth can win approval it has to be repeatedly done and incessant.
Inference/My takeaway
Through our experiences we are painting our life’s great masterpiece depicted by our skewed view of reality and to continue enjoying life we have to maintain a unique, oblique perspective.
Another idea without being so wordy
Life portrays our stories as we have shaped them to be over time and with repetition to become our truths.
This is quite enjoyable
My mind was stuck on lying boyfriend earlier
Straightforward encompassing that deception
In order to survive we must become easily fooled to avoid the pain of betrayal; if the deceiver cares they will be consistent and competent in their lies.

My day was tolerable. I’ve been experiencing high anxiety at night last night and tonight. First it was about my daughter not being here this weekend and has traversed to causing me frustration about my boyfriend’s dishonesty.
Really, if I’m being honest with both of us really honestly, I’m craving smoking the pizzzipe so I’m feeling a bit antsy about that as well. Since Aiden, my real ex husband, decided to keep Riley with them for the weekend it gave me an excuse that I nearly jumped at to just say “fuck it” and get high.
I will say that I think I should be allowed to get high so long as it is when I don’t have my girls as well as not being under the influence around them but on my own time I don’t think anyone has the right to tell me what to do. If it was negatively effecting my behavior I’d, of course, not partake but that not being an issue I do believe that people should have the right to choose if they want to imbibe drugs or alcohol. The only reason I got found out about my use was track marks being seen and then heroin was the only one found out. Day to day no one knew.
Whatever, not an option so don’t know why I felt the need to romanticize a negative decision that would really throw a wrench into my life right now anyway.

Language shaping thought is a new concept for me. As just a basic idea that the type of language a person utilizes within their life impacts their thoughts seems like a “duh” moment but I know there is a lot more diversity in meanings and interpretations of this short three-word sentence. Language shapes thought. I’m going to do more research into this and come back to this subject at a later date.

Going to go find a new quote possibly or a different idea entirely!!

Baby bye, bye, bye! (Bye, bye!)

 

 

 

 

days 19-21 – circumstantial footprint

Today day 21/March 28

Woke up and was late to the morning meeting at work.
Working – got offered a possible full-time position through the company I’ve been temping (temporarily working [on call as needed] for) with the past three weeks.
My supervisor came up to me at the end of the day, while I was putting the finishing touches on a project I’d stayed late to help complete as it was due to be shipped today, and took me by complete surprise by declaring, “You are awesome.”
I nervously laughed and said dorkily, “Well, much appreciated!”
She went on to say that she finds the way and how I work and figure things out “awesome” and asked if I would be interested in working for their company full-time.
Another lame response from me, “Oh yes very much so.”
She had a laugh at that and we said a few more things in regards to continuing to work there as I completed my task and I thought she was going to hug me for a second but raised her arms above her head and said, “That’s all for you today!! You can get on up outta here!”
My response: “I like the people here” (responding to a previous question from our just had conversation I apparently hadn’t felt I’d adequately answered already) and “Good day.” (don’t worry she probably let herself believe I’d said “Have” as I didn’t say it in some uppity accented way) I left feeling like I had had my first ever conversation in the adult world and had ACED it!! Now I realize I was as delusional as I must have seemed but oh well – they like me! they like me! they really like me!
Came home to see my man off for a new daily couple/few hour fishing trip (my overreacting female brain is waving neon red flags in paranoia just thinking about it) since spring has overtaken winter (keeping my sanity with reasoning). He does invite me but knows I won’t likely go so that reasoning doesn’t help me one way or the other.
Raced around trying to go do an UA but found out my card had a block put on it for my bank’s disbelief that I am willing to pay truthfinder 5 bucks to find out the owner’s names of phone numbers (gotta love this crazy sponge in my head) I find on my boyfriends phone account usage log that I don’t already know (haven’t yet checked out and verified already) so I couldn’t access my monies on said card for an hour after I called putting my money’s availability past the allowed arrival time of pee-ers at my UA place.
Settled in and rewrote an email to my ex Grayson to request the court ordered parenting plan be followed in regards to my visitation as he has been ignoring my compliance and therefore has been withholding my rightful lawfully allotted progression in visitations with Hope for the past nearly 9 months. I had spoken to him about a month ago and he had verbally agreed to solving the issue by giving me more time as soon as he left and moved away from Kimmie this month (he’s been planning and telling me about this plan for the past 9 months so I have been patiently waiting). He went so far as to ask for my help finding places for him to rent which I did as I thought I was doing something beneficial for Hope. He has still not moved and it is the end of the month and I’m not willing to continue waiting and feel I have been a good sport about it and honestly even in my email am still being. I sent it about an hour ago after I knocked out my 6th draft after rewording and editing and simplifying even more so than I had from my previous drafts for nearly 6 hours. The real beauty – he’ll read it in mere seconds and then Kimmie will reply her disapproval (He has admitted that she is the reason behind my visitation not progressing as it should. pathetic bullshit, if you ask me, to allow her any involvement in my relationship with my daughter.) and repeat the argument SHE made previously when denying me progression in my visits 9 months ago that I proved inaccurate numerous times since.
Here let me throw this out there as a question to hopefully be commented on (I am taking my case to an attorney who is from an amazingly successful law firm and does pro bono work helping poor people like me with how to proceed/what to legally do in custody situations to be sure as well before going back to court) there are actually two:
1. If a requisite is stated as a MUST followed by a sentence stating something SHOULD occur is SHOULD a suggestion or a requirement? And if it is a requirement why is it not grouped with the MUST denoted factors before it?
2. Can a judge (unknowingly or knowingly though I hope it was the former) make something that is unattainable and unobtainable a requirement for visitations? This being something impossible to do as no labs in my state test for and therefore no facilities in my state (something passed that made all UA facilities report to in state labs **anyone know what law or regulation I’m referring too??) can supply me with proof of cutoff levels as low as suggested.
3. (thought up another one) Can a custody trial take place at a place outside of both the mother and father’s city of residence when there is a court within reasonable distance of both? It did but I’m curious as to the legality and therefore validity of the decision. I was deemed indigent and because I had no money to pay for transportation to the courthouse 50 miles away I wasn’t even able to attend the trial.
4. Any lawyers reading this out there in internetLand who want to help me out? I do better getting my point across via type versus talk.  I’ll also be posting a story as to how this whole custody scenario was set into motion shortly as well. It is heartbreaking and unbelievable but I’ve very honestly depicted what happened in what I’ve wrote thus far.

Yikes waay beyond my bedtime!!

 

Yesterday (day 20/March 27th) I worked. I went to treatment which was kind of cool because the new counselor took the note I wrote her to heart and kept the information interactive involving the group with questions and allowing for comprehensive answers versus cutting people off per usual AND she gave us paper to write ideas for group topics on or changes in the group we’d like to see. I’d written very plainly the basic gist of what I’ll write it here:
1. This group is lacking since Marty left.
2. He would ask questions about our lives and it brought about a great atmosphere of trust and sharing and comradery amongst us.
3.  We are not retaining any information from you reading unrelatable (or for that matter even relatable) topics to us for the entire 2 hours.
4. I’m no longer finding anything about treatment worthwhile or uplifting and am only showing up because I’m required to.
5. I did enjoy the medicine wheel you did with us last week, keep that up!
So I think my point made it across to her and I felt validated by her NOT just reading and by her requests. However, (geez right never satisfied) I actually really wanted to sleep through treatment yesterday but in attempting to do so a bit just by having my eyes closed (which she, bless her heart, tolerated for the entirety of the group), even though I was still participating and answering questions,  I got myself into trouble and having to be told to sit up and take my feet off of the neighboring seat as I was slouching with my knees folded up to my chest (looking a little too comfortable maybe) so I corrected by scooching backward an inch and extending my legs to where my feet dangled off of the seat with my legs still propped up by the chair.
Yeah I realize it was an asshole move but I was wiped.
Upon arriving home I unclothed down to my underwear and flopped onto the bed (two couches put together since a bed would be a committment!!! and we can’t have any of that) then I called my daughter for our nightly chat and immediately after I hung up I fell asleep. I slept and slept and slept until I was nearly late for work and abruptly woke this morning!!

Tuesday (day 19/March 26)

I woke up late so, as seems to be my pattern lately, I rushed out the door to get to work on time.
I worked.
I drove home from work.
I arrived home and turned on the tv.
I promptly fell asleep.
I woke up to call my daughter.
I fell right back asleep once we ended the call.
I slept without dreams I could recall until I woke up with a few extra minutes to brush my teeth yesterday!! (eww gross!! haha yeah I know I can be)

 

Fare thee well!

 

 

day 18 – capricious

I’ll eventually get day 17 up, maybe today probably tomorrow.

I had the best weekend ever with my parents and my girls – parents separately thankfully they’re happily divorced. Now I am exhausted again. I finally woke up for a few days and that is apparently over. I also think I drank too many NOS today and it drained me rather than giving me the energy it boasts to give.

I miss being UP all the time and happy being high. Sobriety is back and forth, up and down, and I don’t like dealing with the tiredness.

I’m going to take a nap now.

Party on, Garth! [without me!!]

 

Day 16 – betterment

So I’d set some goals for this week and I’ve upheld posting every day (I did forget to hit publish and put one out a day late but still!!) but haven’t finished either of the life stories, however I did start two.

I’ll set some goals for this week tomorrow or Monday. I think achieving some small attainable tasks to completion regularly I’ll feel like I’m progressing more so. One I’m going to do, since I’m thinking about it, is actually attending 2 AA meetings this week rather than forging my slip for treatment. I think my last slip was a bit obviously forged because I switched up some handwriting for one of the ones I use regularly by accident (I was mimicking a different person’s writing instead for the wrong person) and my counselor gave it a very quizzical look. Oh well, I need to start actually going anyway and that gives me a bit more motivation.

Today is a family day we’ve got 3 of 4 kiddos and hopefully the fourth later today.

Feeling a bit anxious but nothing my meds can’t dull down. I don’t take anything addictive (no opiates or benzos) so I’m not getting high off my prescriptions at all either. They don’t prescribe addicts benzos anymore I guess cause they cut off my Xanax. I think it’s the place I go since they have treatment centers within the same entity.
My anxiety is just like a constant gnawing buzz in my head and ache in my gut so nothing specific which is kind of annoying because I can’t actively solve something that isn’t.

Off to enjoy some sunshine!!

Have a blessed day.

day 14 – can you hear me now

I couldn’t stay asleep last night and just got up around 3:30 and sent emails to my boyfriend about what was on my mind.
Rather than try to have verbal discussions about relationship stuff that often turn into disputes (and in neither am I ever satisfied in feeling heard) I now send, often lofty, emails to my boyfriend. He doesn’t respond via email but in person he acknowledges my points and sometimes offers feedback. While I usually start my emails wanting some sort of resolution of an issue or explanations/answers about whatever has me bothered, by the time I’ve finished articulating what is on my mind my desire for dialogue is quashed. I feel heard (I can’t come up with a different verbiage that adequately expresses the same sentiment).
By choosing to take the time to type out all my thoughts, that I would otherwise be trying to verbalize, explain, and bring about a point to, I get to perfect their delivery. I get to express all of my thoughts, feelings, concerns, perspectives, etc. about any topic, situation, feeling, happening ad nauseam and then edit myself. It is therapeutic to do so and I can decide to not send an email after further consideration whereas nothing said can be unsaid. I wish I had implemented this years ago.
I am fortunate in that Alex, my boyfriend, reads them all and will do so with me there if he hasn’t by the time we are with each other again. Knowing he has “heard” everything I wanted to communicate to him is fulfilling and a refreshing change from wondering and reiterating. I thought I would still need, or at least want, a thorough response about his takeaway and feelings in regards to what he had read but I prefer it this way.
Issues that need discussions and/or solutions we chat about throughout the day to day in regular conversation and without as much pressure as forcing an uncomfortable talk or debate. We haven’t gotten it all ironed out yet but it has lessened stress in our relationship thus far so I’m going to continue.

Right now we have some unnecessary tension from the lack of trust and continued dishonesty from him. He is just choosing that he is not going to be honest about certain situations and refusing to explain why he’s doing so or why he is knowingly continuing to hurt me and our relationship. So our relationship is not anything to take advice from; the emailing has just restored a lot of my sanity and peace of mind and reduced stress, so it is beneficial just not the solution to our problem.

I’m keeping on though.
One day at a time.

Onward.