Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

pɐʎ ʇʍǝןʌǝ – I, eM —< in ym way

it be's the entirety of the bLog post
stinkin' thinkin'
focus positive
change my view
happy sober

Optimist - always YES

12 days of clean time .. using gave to me:

10 sober slogans

Make it load!! I think you'll enjoy it!!
clean.dopefiend
dopefiend.blog
wiNNiNg
lackadaisicalwhimsy
high fiVe
random circumstance
the end?
Posted in recovery

δαλs 2 αηδ 3 – ραss τнιs sнαℓℓ

Forcing myself to spend time awake and involved in my day.
My body craving sleep and pulling me toward hibernation.
I fight it.
Day 2 I felt fine for most, worked an extra 3 hours and only fell out toward the end. Just my friendly coworker noticed and brought me back to focus without consequence. Thankful. Grateful. Stayed awake the rest of the day hit NA and fought with my internet. Finally giving in to the desperate hold of sleep when Alex pulled me in for a hug that I kept embracing until morning rung.
Day 3 only a 3 hour workday (they asked for extra, I couldn’t give) sick to my stomach, just an ache that wouldn’t amount to releasing anything but threatened insistently. My head burst intermittently when I moved just so, and just so was not consistent to any one movement it was just so. Boss bought breakfast thought I wouldn’t, then I did and so worth it. I hadn’t eaten in days probably a big cause of my haze. Thankful. Grateful. Full. Got home and gave in, let sleep win. Overcome with comfortable ease of nothing I didn’t make NA, skipped treatment too, called in and said I had the flu. Fever! don’t make us sick, yeah I’m not slick she knew I wasn’t. Got my ass up to go see my girl sing in her school choir performance. Spent the whole time searching the sea of young little faces and none belonged to me. Listened and waited and left with confusion, tried her dad’s phone to no resolution. Later she called and we figured it out – she’d been standing too low for my shortness to account. Moral being that I’m glad I’m kicking my own ass out of hibernation and not letting life just pass. Cause even though we didn’t see one another she was just overjoyed that I’d been there to support her. These moments we can’t get back and of which I’ve missed too many.
I’m interrupting this cycle and taking away my excuses, its taking real effort and not even about using. I only have a tiny smidge of craving that gets stamped out with thoughts I’m reframing. None of this is meant to be a complaint or a whine – just putting my experience out there so anyone in need can see it is hard as hell but we can be set free.

Posted in recovery

0.fifteen – the old man [and me] is snoring!

I love the smell of rain after a couple weeks without it. It’s comforting and refreshing. I also just love the rain! Washingtonian born and raised so I’m in the right state, although there are states with so much more rain than this “rainy state.”

My energy level has dropped back down to mild hibernation again but it felt good to get a breath of energy for a few days.

Just want to say hi! and have a fabulous day, I should be posting again later today if I can stay up after work.. wish me luck!

😴

Posted in recovery

0.12-0.18 – I am still sober!!

Apologies for my lack of posting for yet another sleepy-time week. I have just been overwhelmed with the desire to sleep or lay here doing nothing.
So that is a huge issue to overcome – I have absolutely NO MOTIVATION to do ANYTHING!
I barely did Easter. We had to put off decorating eggs until next week because they would be rotten by the time we went to hide them on Sunday (we boiled em Friday and then googled it before we started the decorating process) when my youngest will be here to celebrate. I made a basket for my mini me (Riley, 12) and got her some new flavored peeps which she was super excited, especially because she thought we’d only be celebrating next weekend.
We spent the rest of Sunday watching Forensic Files and chatting about everything while she chatted with her besties online and drew some of her awesome characters she creates for her role playing she does with her friends. They are a creative little bunch and can do this role playing (making up stories with their characters) for hours!!
So as expected my motivation is gone to do anything. I haven’t been able to open my laptop for 8 whole darn days because of it. I think about doing it and it sounds like a WHOLE LOT of effort and my brain is pretty hazy right now so my imagination and idea machine is kind of shut down.
I really want to one day soon reach and continue my goal of blogging everyday. I think I need to just blog SOMETHING. I know I want to walk everyone through my getting sober process too so maybe it could help another addict going through it as well so I need to do better.
I will. I’m feeling better today. I even did laundry. I was out of clothes and about to start pulling stuff to wear out of the hamper — EWWW! I didn’t! I got it done. But doing that motivated me to get on here.
Hang in there with me guys I’m getting the hang of both blogging and sobriety (again). I’ll get even better with time 🙂

Until we meet again.


“I have a perfect body, cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.”

Regina Spektor, Folding Chairs


Posted in recovery

0.2-0.6 |=!\\/3 |)4`/5 5|_33|D

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Okay I’ll stop that now.
The hangover from methamphetamine is sleep.
For the past five days (see it yet??) I have been either at work or asleep. And the awake time I had over the past weekend was spent solely on time with my daughter, Riley while she was here for the weekend (as she is every weekend!!! yayers).
Just wanted to check-in and let ya know that I am still sober and having my first day where I can stay awake after work.
Fun Fact: “Symptoms of fatigue usually peak around the fifth day of withdrawal, during which people will sleep an average of 11 hours per day (a phenomenon known as hypersomnia)” -verywellmind.com
This evening I feel plugged in a bit but was struggling all day at work…

AND EATING holy carpe dieming it with food I am.
Not a positive whatsoever, however, because I relapse to get my thin figure back and have body image issues up the yang! I have gotten to that yikes! stage of starting to look like a meth user and realized I’d gone too far (after I’d gotten sobered up) so I’m not aiming for a twig-like existence. I just know the weight I’m comfortable at but every time I start and stop using I’m throwing my metabolism for a loop and seem to gain more, quicker than the time I stopped prior. I eat the same dang things every time and drink the same crap in excess too. I know what not to eat and that is exactly what I eat when I’m coming down off of meth. And my energy drink consumption is out of control!! Not only am I gaining weight from crap food but I’m bloated to all get out from these damn NOS I’m chugging ALL DAY! Food sounds disgusting right now but that’s because I’ve got a nauseating head ache.
IDEA!

While I am thinking of one I’m going to make a list of this weeks goals and I’ll put them in my goals section later.
1. Blog daily (every week)
2. Drink only 2 NOS per day (what I just though of)
3. Get paperwork (check docs “note to self” and get started on new plan) for Grayson for custody ((same as last week since not achieved))
4. Research self-motivation techniques and practices. Blog ideas!

I feel better about life just having done that and even though I didn’t accomplish my goals from last week I’m not feeling less than because of it. I’ve been too tired to care about anything besides sleep and it may catch back up with me tomorrow so getting something done today! I set goals 😉 I’ve come up with some cool ideas in my “note to self” document made for brainstorming. I’ve blogged after 5 days of hiatus!!

If you haven’t yet try setting some easy goals for yourself for the remainder of the week, it feels delicious!
THIS is where I found the best app for goal setting, task planning/setting/reminders, and brainstorming. It talks about aiding teams but works great solo, for me at least.
Check it out, it makes organizing your to-do’s kind of fun!!

**Not advertising, no pay in this for me, just sharing cool stuff I’ve come across and found worthwhile**

On to today’s blog…

See you there I hope!

Posted in recovery

Day 3 – floundering

My brain is mush, I can’t seem to form full thoughts.
All I want to do is sleep and eat and eat and eat and eat.
Part of what gets me back to using is gaining weight. I hate gaining weight. I love being thin! Do I eat healthy to maintain my preferred figure? Of course not! I eat garbage and when I’m getting high the meth metabolism takes care of that – although not loving the current skinny-fat I’m experiencing instead of just skinny – and I rarely eat while I’m high, or much when I’m sober for that matter. But when I first get sober I eat a ton and pack on the pounds. I love the taste of food, I don’t get hungry much so I’m just eating to enjoy tasting food and currently I’m craving Hotpockets! HORRIBLE for me! So tasty though.
You’d think that I would eat healthily since I am consciously aware of what happens when I don’t. But NO! I am also incredibly lazy and want instant gratification AND I am not good at nor do I enjoy cooking! It is worse than that though since my boyfriend often cooks and offers me good healthy foods I should be taking advantage of that but NOPE. While yes I accept and eat what he offers when I’m sober I continue to indulge in my meth-diet (daily a six-pack of Hostess Crunch Donettes, 3 NOS, and lately 2+ Hotpockets) so I’m not benefiting my waistline any in doing so. Stop eating the shitty stuff right?! Tomorrow…I’ll try that tomorrow.

I am awesome tomorrow. My tomorrow me has all her shit together and makes smart choices. She sticks with my plans made today while I’m, usually, partaking in the opposite as I make them. I want to be tomorrow me! Without any effort made or any sacrifice of immediate satisfaction on my part of course. Lackadaisical – do you see!?
I say all this and think to myself, “well at least I’m honest about it. That makes it all okay, I’m not lying to myself or anybody else.” Does it though? I want and even expect things to just BE in my life without any effort on my part. That doesn’t make me a good partner or mom, it kind of makes me a selfish asshole. So this blog is something I’m doing to put effort into my sobriety this time, doing something every day to keep me accountable.

I don’t want to be sober! Honestly, I like being high. If I didn’t HAVE to be sober in order to pass UAs and complete treatment (well I guess I’ve shown I can do that high just fine but could screw it up by doing it that way) so that I can have my kids back I wouldn’t be. I am actually motivated to do things when I’m high. I suck sober. With all the consequences I have faced from getting high (well from people finding out I was getting high) I want to want to be sober and get my life right. But, fuck, I want to do life high, I like it so much better high. If my brain weren’t so slow I’d be able to explain this better but my thoughts are slurred.

I’ll try again tomorrow.

Maybe later today.

Now I just want to go back to sleep and forget.

TaTaForNow.

Posted in recovery

Day 2 – come down

Today was uneventful. I slept the entire day. I woke up twice, this being the second time, to eat and type this. All I want to do is go back to sleep.

My daughter is here. I’m missing out on time with my daughter because of my use. Thankfully, I am going to be sober for a long time this time and be a better mom for it. Well, wish me luck with that at least.

And I need to remember to be grateful for my man’s continued help and support through all of this. He took the kids out all day and let me have my rest and made sure my daughter was included and had a fun day. This is just one of thousands of things he has done to help me over the past three years. He has stuck by me through so much. I’ll end up seeming very unappreciative after explaining just how much he’s dealt with and my taking it for granted…

I’m going back to sleep. The food was not worth getting up for, bleh.

Sweet dreams.

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

Sleep to sobriety

So this is it, today was my last day being high.
Since this is the first entry I want to have something captivating to say but, to be honest, I am just tired and ready to be done.
I’m creating this blog to document my sobriety and the ups and downs of getting clean.
Here’s an idea let me introduce myself and my situation.

I’m Lyric. 32 year old white female. Long brown hair, blue eyes, currently a little too thin and as always 5’1″. Right now I’m sporting pigtails and a beanie with holey jeans and a hooded t-shirt suggesting “Start a Revolution” (and never would have thunk it a hooded t is actually cute with a long sleeve under..).
I’m a mom of two daughters, Riley and Hope, 12 and 7 respectively, and the girlfriend of a guy I want to smack upside the head at the moment.
I’ve always wanted to blog and love to write so all I needed was something to say and well two birds with one computer – documenting getting sober is keeping me accountable to myself ((and you cause now there is a you)) and is my blog topic.

My addiction, briefly (I will delve into the details in a separate category where I will recount stories of impacting happenings during my active use) here:
I’m a functioning methamphetamine abuser meaning I can still be a useful member of society when I’m high. I was high at work with none-the-wiser this entire past week and they keep requesting me back even-so. I also attend a drug treatment outpatient program once a week and have been under the influence on multiple occasions without repercussions. I’m not proud of my choices, I just am a “functioning addict.”

The extent of drugs/how I’ve used: I’ve ended my few month “relapse” solely smoking methamphetamine but I used to shoot it ((use needles)) and years ago I would snort it ((used it for about 2 weeks one summer in my early twenties)). I have almost 2 years clean off of heroin which I smoked and shot up for a little over a year. I mixed heroin and meth use and combined the drugs to shoot together. I quit heroin because I didn’t like nodding off/sleeping as a high. Meth is my DOC ((drug of choice)). I quit drinking alcohol a little over 2 years ago as well, save for one beer and one Bloody Mary on separate occasions. I’ve, of course, smoked pot ((I hate the high from marijuana now though so it’s been over a year since at least)). I’ve used mushrooms, dropped acid and done salvia all one time each in my teens. My gateway drug was oxycodone with a prescription for an extended period.

How I got into drugs when I was a stay at home mom: I was in an accident in 2012 that caused me to break my four front teeth and upper portion of my jaw. Due to the painful nature of broken bones and teeth I was prescribed oxycodone 30 mg tablets very generously. My doctor meant well, wanting to keep me from being in pain, and eventually he reduced my prescription to 10 mg tablets but it was too late by then, I was hooked and didn’t even know it yet. I figured out very quickly that I had become addicted to pain pills when my amount was reduced and I started having aches and cravings for more pills.
So I had been taking a prescription, not street drugs, and was a capable mom and wife and doing all my normal activities which deluded me into believing I was safe from addiction. Turns out my doctor was just my dealer with a degree and a script pad.
After the doc reduced my fill I got desperate to “feel right” and bought pills from a friend whose kids and mine had play dates.
Haha STOP! GOTTA CATCH MYSELF I AM GOING TO BE BRUTALLY HONEST ABOUT MY USE AND FEELINGS THROUGHOUT USING AND QUITTING SO THERE IS SOMETHING AUTHENTIC ABOUT this BLOG AND MY STORY. SO I’M GOING TO TELL ON MYSELF AND CALL MYSELF OUT WHEN I TRY TO LIE — judge not lest ye be judged lol — I started buying pills from a dealer I met through my husband’s work friend, dude’s brother, and brought my kids to play with his kids because my kids went with me everywhere, turns out even to buy drugs.
((I SO want to justify that it was JUST pain pills that he sold, not CRACK, and that we hung out with him and his wife occasionally not JUST took my kids to their house to buy drugs. As I think back my kids and I were there a lot for a while but that doesn’t make it a good scenario…. So there is my bullshit attempt to make my poor choices seem okay but they weren’t and I sound dumb and caught. I’ll continue to incorporate my inner struggle with admitting my shit so I am being honest but yikes to actually publishing this right?!))

So much information and so much time to tell all about it after I get some sleep and wake up to start my DAY 1 of sobriety.

Toodles