Say what you like: say I’m ill, Say I broke my leg on the stairs, Say we’ve had a fire —T. S. Eliot
Think of the trouble of excuses and lies. They force us to make ourselves sick, live with a whole broken leg, start some sort of slow burn. When we tell someone we’re not at home, we have to hide in that place. When we invent a long line of lies, we have to memorize each one. It’s easiest just to come clean, use plain and simple words, and speak true. When accusers spear us with their stares, we can disarm them by looking them right in the eye.
Not only do lies deceive others, they keep us hidden from ourselves, and make our real reasons for the choices we’ve made seem unworthy, if we feel we can’t express them. Better that we be truthful, even if a little pain results. Truth keeps communication lines open. Then, when someone really wants to know what’s on our minds, we can simply open our hearts.
I am so impressed by the creative brilliance I stumbled upon and I want to share this incredible voice and artistry with you.
“She doesn’t date Or look for a mate She ducks romance With a polite “No Thanks”
She’s learnt to avoid The promise of joy From nice looking men She’ll not go there again
If one sends a text That boldly suggests Meeting up for a beer She steers well clear
She loves her home Likes living alone No emotional mess Drama or stress
Yes, sometimes she’s weak And remembers the treat Of a cuddle and kiss But she knows to resist
‘Cos when she falls she falls so deep She cannot eat she cannot sleep She will worry she’ll obsess She’ll be a total fucking mess Constantly she’ll want him near Cling on to him with all her fear Make him say he’ll never leave Love him ‘til he cannot breathe
OH MY GOD HE HASN’T RUNG!! WHY DOES HE HATE ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF TEST? OH WHATEVER HE ASKS I’LL SAY “YES”
And when she gets into that place It’s a long climb back to somewhere safe And still the voices call her down Back into the stinking ground
So she doesn’t date Or look for a mate She ducks romance With a polite “No Thanks””
Emma Scarr, She Doesn’t Date
I find this poem incredibly relatable and honest. The cadence in “She Doesn’t Date” gives it a bouncy upbeat quirkiness that complements the poem’s voice (speaks to the tone, diction, sound patterns and rhythm) which, I believe, embodies confidence and individuality. This is exactly what I need to remember if/when I am single again. It takes a lot of self-awareness and confidence to be and stay single happily. The reasoning behind staying single in this poem is my downfall in relationships and identifying that is personal growth for me. Admitting it is also.
I hope you enjoy this and please click and visit Emma Scarr’s website (below, click “EMMA SCARR”) to support this amazing blogger. Make sure to like her poem’s post (also linked below, click “She Doesn’t Date – Emma Scarr”)
Eeeek! 8 days I have let lapse without an update anywhere. My bad! Have faith I will get better the more sober I get. I am still sober. I feel like I’ve lost my creative thinking part of my brain. My brain feels a bit mushy the past week. I almost picked up today. If it hadn’t been for overtime at work I might have. I’m struggling to feel awake and motivated. I do great at work but just in life outside of work I’m blah.
My boyfriend has been looking at porn chicks – not porn videos but the actual chicks and something about dating… 😦 – so I’m feeling not so awesome about my lack of ANY sex drive. I’m going to try my best to at least fake the funk and get intimate tonight. I still feel like he’s doing something treacherous and I’ve been sleeping while he’s been off doing whatever with his location turned off so I’m in the dark. Snooping only gets you so far when you’re trying to be as unsnoopy while snooping by just checking his accounts and not putting something on his phone to give me all the info. I’m trying to stay away from it all together but like quitting drugs its a process and I’m making good baby steps. I went all week without even checking ANYTHING so I wasn’t even doing that while I’ve been MIA!!
So I took a short interlude to chat with my Riley and my mister on the phone. Ri needed to do homework so it was a short and sweet conversation. Alex is sitting at the laundromat (he went after me which was weird but …. yeah) and we got to chatting about things. It came about that I felt sometimes that I am holding him back with my fucking up and still struggling with addiction self and that I feel selfish, sometimes, for not letting him go. Well I wasn’t looking for reassurance of him wanting to be with me, I was being honest and wanted to know his take. I no longer like that I did that. He feels that it would be healthier for us both if we split. DAMN IT! Let me be completely honest, I knew that was how he felt I just didn’t like the confirmation. We’ve been together three years and I want a lifetime with him but he’s been carrying me this entire time and I’ve just failed over and over. I suspect there may be someone else but that also might be me trying to make myself feel better that it isn’t ME when in fact it is me. The last thing I can handle right now is a break up. I have no place to go and not enough money to live. I’d not be able to have Riley every weekend because I’d be living in my car… And I adore this man. Probably part of the issue is that I have always been more into him than he to me (except at the very beginning of this whirlwind) and I’ve not been shy about saying so or showing it. People need that intrigue factor and he’s kept up mine by being super evasive and never 100% committal. I feel like since he knew he had me he’s not wanted me but has been stuck with me. I’m a burden on him. And I still have to muster up some sexy-time desire tonight — fuck (no pun)!! I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. I know he won’t kick me out and he’ll keep pretending for me for now, okay I think this because it has apparently been what he has been doing but he did just get honest about that so FREAKING OUT. He does love me but I think not in an in love with and want to spend life with and more in a pitiful feeling sorry for me way.
Another interlude. Asked for clarification – I know how much more clear can he be – and he says that he wants to be with me but knows it’d be healthier if he pursued life as an individual to learn to be good with himself and grow that way. I call bullshit. He was doing just that when I met him and had been for a few years at least and he is very sure of himself. People can grow individually in a relationship and I said as much and he agreed and pretty much said he just needed to be able to do his alone time stuff without all the suspicion from me. He will sit in his car for hours and according to him listen to music and podcasts. I’ve done it with him and he fell asleep which he says is often the case. And he won’t stay parked in our parking area for our apartment he goes to Wal-Mart or various parking areas or he’ll say he’s eating at Subway right by this hotel and be there for over an hour. I’d think if he wanted to listen to his tunes or whatnot it would be just as feasible to do here and especially not in suspect places. I’ve been worried he’s been picking up hookers since well he picked me up when I was one and his suspicious behavior since… always, I’m realizing this has been since we moved into our apartment in August 2016 after 3 months in hotels (where he was all about me and courting me and unsure of my feelings) that he gave me reason to question what he was doing. I do have to admit a lot of my “gut feelings” likely had to do with the methamphetamine coursing non-stop through my system for the first year but when I was sober before….then he got caught talking to another woman behind my back about admittedly inappropriate stuff….so maybe it was more reality cause it was him who made me feel like I was gone-crazy and that was why I had found stuff while snooping or heard things that I’d recorded. Okay stopping this rabbit hole that I’m starting to go down. I’ll come back to that eventually but can’t handle too much reality and honesty right now. Hopefully I will forget it and not concern myself with worrying over the patterns of behavior yet I should probably open my eyes a bit and quit pretending like he’s been so perfect and great to me. I love him, I do adore him, I just know that I’m no crazy person and the dots connect when I’m sober too. So back to… oh right we had a conversation and he made it clear he hadn’t said he didn’t want to be with me now but the healthy aspect was a FACT. Oh well. I’m suddenly not so concerned with that. Other than believing that he has a person he is hiding in his life who is likely to be female more strongly, his statement is not news if I’m being honest with myself. Also he likes to throw around things like that when I’m starting to feel comfortable in our relationship and getting back on my feet. He did remind me that a couple years ago he was done but couldn’t just see me with nowhere to go and leave me like that. So there is that pity I was talking about. Damn, I’m just continually getting off track now since I’m feeling emotionally flustered and upset. My bad! We talked. He got me to shower with him. We got freaky. And then he admits to the porn, kinda. I can legit see what he’s looked at and watched and he’s holding back some important info. Like the teen aspect. Um not cool. He even thinks a story line about a guy faking out chicks with an acting gig to get a “porn star” to fuck on camera is something real rather than a planned and acted out set up… so teens? Does he believe they’re not 18 (which yes, I know they are) cause that would be gross. He had some story for why he looked up the porn to begin with and it sounded like bullshit too. Ugh. Ugh. ugh. I’m wishing I had just stayed asleep and not opened my computer up today. Life on life’s terms right? And if I didn’t want to know what he’s actually up to I could just not look. Can’t really be upset when I don’t like what I see, as much as I wish I’d find something romantic planned for us I’m not an idiot, there is a reason I’m even taking the time to look. Funny he has told me that “of course I will find something if I snoop” but that shouldn’t be the case. If he snooped my shit he’d find nothing that would make him wonder what I was doing. Ai yai yai. I really wanted to enjoy tonight but alas revelations have soured my stomach and made the amazing lovemaking we had shared tonight feel really hollow. I want to slap myself and remind me that my focus needs to stay focused because this nonsense of his is what got me back on this path when I’d been doing so well to avoid the shit. I’m feeling the emotions this time and they’re uncomfortable and my brain won’t stop whirring with the worst scenarios.
Thanks for listening to me. I needed someone to just hear me, I think. I feel like I shutdown the roller coaster ride I started on pretty well and sharing it helped. So this blog may just do as I hoped in helping me to have an outlet to help me stay sober through stressful stuff and just life while feeling and figuring out my emotions. I almost want to save this as a draft and retype my post but this is part of the process, for me anyway, being honest out loud about my life. I think the emotional wave is ebbing cause I’m feeling quite sleepy now. Off to peaceful sleep – putting positive thoughts in my head 😉
Wonders I’m wondering. Serendipitous topic ideas running unfiltered through my noggin. Jotted some scribbles to decipher.. Fun new word! As I go, maybe, I’ll explain. grasp those straws!
kiLLing it with kindness. brad word for word what I have in my notepad[app]
It’s the first entry and I know what it’s about. My entitled attitude having self… Earlier this morning I was being a real snooty princess type (which I don’t do ever) about getting to finish the new parts before having to go back to the usual ones in that I was hoarding the newbies and got all protective of my stash when Brad showed up wanting in on the goods. He ACTUALLY works there (on probation) but just recently graduated out of temp-status and is a bit “off” or maybe just on the spectrum. Either way I called it right with this note. I started off being snarky and dismissive, being pretty emasculating to boot, a real grade A asshole, I now realize, and I was in a good mood all the while. I was even so petty that I wouldn’t move my parts an inch to give him room at his “usual” (when he works with us lowly temps-I’m being honest about my attitude to my embarrassment and it is how he treats us: “YOU guys … while I [something more important]) spot at the table. My reasoning: in order for him to get it at all he just literally rolled his chair into the newest temp without even an excuse me so I was getting payback … for her. The old lady next to me moved my stuff when I left the table and reminded me about compassion when I returned. Well HELLO exactly what I needed to hear, right? Guess it wasn’t enough for me because I made a point to, calmly yet snappily, tell Brad that he has a habit of tornado-ing through other people’s work areas to create his own space. Damned if the guy didn’t thank me, for letting him know, SINCERELY, not a drop of sarcasm. THAT snapped me out of my Brad-warpath I was on and it wasn’t even an hour into the day. I went back and started my day over like they say to do in Alcoholics Anonymous
GOAL: attend AA tomorrow before Riley arrives
and I decided kindness was my kick for the day and maybe even a dash of empathy! It worked though, Brad and I got along well and not in the fake coworkers kind of way but we had some interesting conversations (well interesting to him but I played ball, with empathy even – for myself – no really, I was good). What made me know that we’d gotten somewhere in our coworkship (coworker relationship, its a thing!..) was when he said to me, he goes, “If I ever make inappropriate comments or make anyone feel uncomfortable, can you please let me know? I can’t always tell.” Even better than just anyone asking such a proactive request, Brad’s nickname (and our next topic suggestion) is Two-Cents… you’ll see
So I got excited and got ahead of myself tripping over that last sentence. I’m doing html coding – is that correct? – to relearn how to build a webpage (I first learned in 5th grade, I believe, and never did use it so I lost it) and after this mess of a post will add SUBTLETIES to future posts and this allows me to do that. Okay, sorry, run-on big time.
Right, Brad! two-cent$ got his nickname for the fact that he will offputtingly interject himself into your already booked conversation using some incredibly unhumorous statement – sometimes while someone else is still talking – that, of course, he and only he finds hilarious and very rarely does he have any clue as to what the conversation is actually about so it is even more of a sore thumb. Occasionally he’ll grab a word he hears someone say or thinks he does, and, with no context, just roll with that to try to get included. It is CRINGY, to steal my daughter’s word – I now get what it means and the feeling that word exudes is borderline physically painful. two-cent$ is very aware that he does this, so when he asked me to let him know about making people uncomfortable…I was straight up: “Dude [insert above description] so do you mean when you’re not INTENTIONALLY doing so? How do I…decide?” No sugar getting coated, we’re buds now, right?. Then it gets downright depressing as he tells me – his best coworkship-person – about how he eats his meals in his room now because he got tired of having nothing to add to his parents’ conversation at the dinner table. He kept reminding me that they really want him to eat down there with them but that the only way he was part of conversations was by doing what he does: knowingly rudely interrupting people’s conversations. He definitely is socially awkward but he knows what he’s doing is not acceptable adult real-world behavior. I did tell him I would keep him apprised of any other social ineptitude I may witness.
laSt and beSt ~ lotSa wordS
introducing my newest word
with its multitude of fraternal twins:
Earworm aka a brainworm, sticky music, stuck song syndrome, or Involuntary Musical Imagery (IMI) is a catchy piece of music that continually repeats through a person’s mind after it is no longer playing.
my Earworm today
More words! some of my favorite lyrics ever! (not the whole song, which rocks) but these:
This is how it works You’re young until you’re not You love until you don’t You try until you can’t You laugh until you cry You cry until you laugh And everyone must breathe Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works You peer inside yourself You take the things you like And try to love the things you took And then you take that love you made And stick it into some Someone else’s heart Pumping someone else’s blood And walking arm in arm You hope it don’t get harmed But even if it does You’ll just do it all again
Regina Spektor, On the Radio
I absolutely adore these lyrics. It explains life and relationships to the T and makes me smile while doing it. I’ll break it down for your entertainment and hopeful enjoyment later. It is too late and I am too tired but here is the rest of my topics list:
This is the most impacting piece of writing I’ve read in years if not ever. It more than just speaks to the reader, it more than just paints a picture. I felt the writing, not as in feeling any of the characters’ emotions, while that is all depicted phenomenally I felt the writing. Each word seemed heavy with a sort of rawness and vulnerability. Every word spoke to me and seemed purposeful and necessary. The concept is one that I would usually, and almost did, pass over as relationship/break up are overdone topics but the author brings you through the 3 stages of a relationship: the honeymoon period, the active relationship with gloves off most often, and the break up/end. It feels like you experience them all as the reader in an out of body surreal sensation that I can’t put the correct word for. The point of view creates a calm resigned atmosphere that pulls at the heartstrings but not in a sad way, it is very bittersweet and comforting. When you read it let the writing read to you and listen instead. This is an intoxicating piece of writing and it looks and even reads (word for word wise) pedestrian but deeply affected me in an, apparently, indescribable way. I am inspired by this.
I couldn’t stay asleep last night and just got up around 3:30 and sent emails to my boyfriend about what was on my mind. Rather than try to have verbal discussions about relationship stuff that often turn into disputes (and in neither am I ever satisfied in feeling heard) I now send, often lofty, emails to my boyfriend. He doesn’t respond via email but in person he acknowledges my points and sometimes offers feedback. While I usually start my emails wanting some sort of resolution of an issue or explanations/answers about whatever has me bothered, by the time I’ve finished articulating what is on my mind my desire for dialogue is quashed. I feel heard (I can’t come up with a different verbiage that adequately expresses the same sentiment). By choosing to take the time to type out all my thoughts, that I would otherwise be trying to verbalize, explain, and bring about a point to, I get to perfect their delivery. I get to express all of my thoughts, feelings, concerns, perspectives, etc. about any topic, situation, feeling, happening ad nauseam and then edit myself. It is therapeutic to do so and I can decide to not send an email after further consideration whereas nothing said can be unsaid. I wish I had implemented this years ago. I am fortunate in that Alex, my boyfriend, reads them all and will do so with me there if he hasn’t by the time we are with each other again. Knowing he has “heard” everything I wanted to communicate to him is fulfilling and a refreshing change from wondering and reiterating. I thought I would still need, or at least want, a thorough response about his takeaway and feelings in regards to what he had read but I prefer it this way. Issues that need discussions and/or solutions we chat about throughout the day to day in regular conversation and without as much pressure as forcing an uncomfortable talk or debate. We haven’t gotten it all ironed out yet but it has lessened stress in our relationship thus far so I’m going to continue.
Right now we have some unnecessary tension from the lack of trust and continued dishonesty from him. He is just choosing that he is not going to be honest about certain situations and refusing to explain why he’s doing so or why he is knowingly continuing to hurt me and our relationship. So our relationship is not anything to take advice from; the emailing has just restored a lot of my sanity and peace of mind and reduced stress, so it is beneficial just not the solution to our problem.