Posted in a few blocks in my converse

honesty is easier

Say what you like: say I'm ill,
Say I broke my leg on the stairs,
Say we've had a fire
—T. S. Eliot

Think of the trouble of excuses and lies. They force us to make ourselves sick, live with a whole broken leg, start some sort of slow burn. When we tell someone we're not at home, we have to hide in that place. When we invent a long line of lies, we have to memorize each one. It's easiest just to come clean, use plain and simple words, and speak true. When accusers spear us with their stares, we can disarm them by looking them right in the eye.

Not only do lies deceive others, they keep us hidden from ourselves, and make our real reasons for the choices we've made seem unworthy, if we feel we can't express them. Better that we be truthful, even if a little pain results. Truth keeps communication lines open. Then, when someone really wants to know what's on our minds, we can simply open our hearts.

Is anything too terrible to tell to a friend?

From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991

Thursday, February 20

Say what you like: say I’m ill,
Say I broke my leg on the stairs,
Say we’ve had a fire
—T. S. Eliot

Think of the trouble of excuses and lies. They force us to make ourselves sick, live with a whole broken leg, start some sort of slow burn. When we tell someone we’re not at home, we have to hide in that place. When we invent a long line of lies, we have to memorize each one. It’s easiest just to come clean, use plain and simple words, and speak true. When accusers spear us with their stares, we can disarm them by looking them right in the eye.

Not only do lies deceive others, they keep us hidden from ourselves, and make our real reasons for the choices we’ve made seem unworthy, if we feel we can’t express them. Better that we be truthful, even if a little pain results. Truth keeps communication lines open. Then, when someone really wants to know what’s on our minds, we can simply open our hearts.

Is anything too terrible to tell to a friend?

From Today’s Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991

Posted in a few blocks in my converse, liFe on liFe's TerMs

the upside of down

you paid
i supplied
you saved
i admired
your kindness
my adoration
you charmed
i fell

you taught
i fought
your patience
my resistance
you control
i rebel
your guidance
my obstinance

you show
i tell
your expectations
my disappointment
your tough love
my best try
you renounce
i comply

you withhold
i apologize
you assume
i confess
your judgment
my surrender
you rebuke
i regress

you cheat
i retreat
you blame
i examine
you lie
i rectify
you play
i cave

you take
i give
you demand
i bend
you hurt
i empathize
you resent
i forgive

you stay
i grow
your ignorance
my wisdom
you hate
i commiserate
your intolerance
my acceptance

Posted in reblog

rebLog: She Doesn’t Date — Emma Scarr ..I can relate-cdf

I am so impressed by the creative brilliance I stumbled upon and I want to share this incredible voice and artistry with you.


“She doesn’t date
Or look for a mate
She ducks romance
With a polite “No Thanks”
 
She’s learnt to avoid
The promise of joy
From nice looking men
She’ll not go there again
 
If one sends  a text
That boldly suggests
Meeting up for a beer
She steers well clear
 
She loves her home
Likes living alone
No emotional mess
Drama or stress
 
Yes, sometimes she’s weak
And remembers the treat
Of a cuddle and kiss
But she knows to resist
 
‘Cos when she falls she falls so deep
She cannot eat she cannot sleep
She will worry she’ll obsess
She’ll be a total fucking mess
Constantly she’ll want him near
Cling on to him with all her fear
Make him say he’ll never leave
Love him ‘til he cannot breathe
 
OH MY GOD HE HASN’T RUNG!!
WHY DOES HE HATE ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF TEST?
OH WHATEVER HE ASKS I’LL SAY “YES”
 
And when she gets into that place
It’s a long climb back to somewhere safe
And still the voices call her down
Back into the stinking ground
 
So she doesn’t date
Or look for a mate
She ducks  romance
With a polite “No Thanks””

Emma Scarr, She Doesn’t Date

I find this poem incredibly relatable and honest. The cadence in “She Doesn’t Date” gives it a bouncy upbeat quirkiness that complements the poem’s voice (speaks to the tone, diction, sound patterns and rhythm) which, I believe, embodies confidence and individuality.
This is exactly what I need to remember if/when I am single again. It takes a lot of self-awareness and confidence to be and stay single happily. The reasoning behind staying single in this poem is my downfall in relationships and identifying that is personal growth for me. Admitting it is also.
I hope you enjoy this and please click and visit Emma Scarr’s website (below, click “EMMA SCARR”) to support this amazing blogger. Make sure to like her poem’s post (also linked below, click “She Doesn’t Date – Emma Scarr”)

Emma Scarr

She doesn’t date Or look for a mate She ducks romance With a polite “No Thanks…”

She Doesn’t Date — Emma Scarr
Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.19 – toxicity is in the air.

Eeeek!
8 days I have let lapse without an update anywhere.
My bad! Have faith I will get better the more sober I get.
I am still sober.
I feel like I’ve lost my creative thinking part of my brain. My brain feels a bit mushy the past week.
I almost picked up today. If it hadn’t been for overtime at work I might have. I’m struggling to feel awake and motivated. I do great at work but just in life outside of work I’m blah.

My boyfriend has been looking at porn chicks – not porn videos but the actual chicks and something about dating… 😦 – so I’m feeling not so awesome about my lack of ANY sex drive. I’m going to try my best to at least fake the funk and get intimate tonight. I still feel like he’s doing something treacherous and I’ve been sleeping while he’s been off doing whatever with his location turned off so I’m in the dark. Snooping only gets you so far when you’re trying to be as unsnoopy while snooping by just checking his accounts and not putting something on his phone to give me all the info. I’m trying to stay away from it all together but like quitting drugs its a process and I’m making good baby steps. I went all week without even checking ANYTHING so I wasn’t even doing that while I’ve been MIA!!

So I took a short interlude to chat with my Riley and my mister on the phone. Ri needed to do homework so it was a short and sweet conversation. Alex is sitting at the laundromat (he went after me which was weird but …. yeah) and we got to chatting about things. It came about that I felt sometimes that I am holding him back with my fucking up and still struggling with addiction self and that I feel selfish, sometimes, for not letting him go. Well I wasn’t looking for reassurance of him wanting to be with me, I was being honest and wanted to know his take. I no longer like that I did that. He feels that it would be healthier for us both if we split. DAMN IT! Let me be completely honest, I knew that was how he felt I just didn’t like the confirmation. We’ve been together three years and I want a lifetime with him but he’s been carrying me this entire time and I’ve just failed over and over. I suspect there may be someone else but that also might be me trying to make myself feel better that it isn’t ME when in fact it is me.
The last thing I can handle right now is a break up. I have no place to go and not enough money to live. I’d not be able to have Riley every weekend because I’d be living in my car… And I adore this man. Probably part of the issue is that I have always been more into him than he to me (except at the very beginning of this whirlwind) and I’ve not been shy about saying so or showing it. People need that intrigue factor and he’s kept up mine by being super evasive and never 100% committal. I feel like since he knew he had me he’s not wanted me but has been stuck with me. I’m a burden on him. And I still have to muster up some sexy-time desire tonight — fuck (no pun)!!
I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.
I know he won’t kick me out and he’ll keep pretending for me for now, okay I think this because it has apparently been what he has been doing but he did just get honest about that so FREAKING OUT. He does love me but I think not in an in love with and want to spend life with and more in a pitiful feeling sorry for me way.

Another interlude.
Asked for clarification – I know how much more clear can he be – and he says that he wants to be with me but knows it’d be healthier if he pursued life as an individual to learn to be good with himself and grow that way. I call bullshit. He was doing just that when I met him and had been for a few years at least and he is very sure of himself. People can grow individually in a relationship and I said as much and he agreed and pretty much said he just needed to be able to do his alone time stuff without all the suspicion from me. He will sit in his car for hours and according to him listen to music and podcasts. I’ve done it with him and he fell asleep which he says is often the case. And he won’t stay parked in our parking area for our apartment he goes to Wal-Mart or various parking areas or he’ll say he’s eating at Subway right by this hotel and be there for over an hour. I’d think if he wanted to listen to his tunes or whatnot it would be just as feasible to do here and especially not in suspect places.
I’ve been worried he’s been picking up hookers since well he picked me up when I was one and his suspicious behavior since… always, I’m realizing this has been since we moved into our apartment in August 2016 after 3 months in hotels (where he was all about me and courting me and unsure of my feelings) that he gave me reason to question what he was doing. I do have to admit a lot of my “gut feelings” likely had to do with the methamphetamine coursing non-stop through my system for the first year but when I was sober before….then he got caught talking to another woman behind my back about admittedly inappropriate stuff….so maybe it was more reality cause it was him who made me feel like I was gone-crazy and that was why I had found stuff while snooping or heard things that I’d recorded. Okay stopping this rabbit hole that I’m starting to go down.
I’ll come back to that eventually but can’t handle too much reality and honesty right now.
Hopefully I will forget it and not concern myself with worrying over the patterns of behavior yet I should probably open my eyes a bit and quit pretending like he’s been so perfect and great to me. I love him, I do adore him, I just know that I’m no crazy person and the dots connect when I’m sober too.
So back to… oh right we had a conversation and he made it clear he hadn’t said he didn’t want to be with me now but the healthy aspect was a FACT. Oh well. I’m suddenly not so concerned with that. Other than believing that he has a person he is hiding in his life who is likely to be female more strongly, his statement is not news if I’m being honest with myself. Also he likes to throw around things like that when I’m starting to feel comfortable in our relationship and getting back on my feet. He did remind me that a couple years ago he was done but couldn’t just see me with nowhere to go and leave me like that. So there is that pity I was talking about.
Damn, I’m just continually getting off track now since I’m feeling emotionally flustered and upset. My bad!
We talked.
He got me to shower with him.
We got freaky.
And then he admits to the porn, kinda. I can legit see what he’s looked at and watched and he’s holding back some important info. Like the teen aspect. Um not cool. He even thinks a story line about a guy faking out chicks with an acting gig to get a “porn star” to fuck on camera is something real rather than a planned and acted out set up… so teens? Does he believe they’re not 18 (which yes, I know they are) cause that would be gross. He had some story for why he looked up the porn to begin with and it sounded like bullshit too.
Ugh.
Ugh.
ugh.
I’m wishing I had just stayed asleep and not opened my computer up today.
Life on life’s terms right?
And if I didn’t want to know what he’s actually up to I could just not look. Can’t really be upset when I don’t like what I see, as much as I wish I’d find something romantic planned for us I’m not an idiot, there is a reason I’m even taking the time to look.
Funny he has told me that “of course I will find something if I snoop” but that shouldn’t be the case. If he snooped my shit he’d find nothing that would make him wonder what I was doing.
Ai yai yai.
I really wanted to enjoy tonight but alas revelations have soured my stomach and made the amazing lovemaking we had shared tonight feel really hollow.
I want to slap myself and remind me that my focus needs to stay focused because this nonsense of his is what got me back on this path when I’d been doing so well to avoid the shit. I’m feeling the emotions this time and they’re uncomfortable and my brain won’t stop whirring with the worst scenarios.

Thanks for listening to me. I needed someone to just hear me, I think. I feel like I shutdown the roller coaster ride I started on pretty well and sharing it helped. So this blog may just do as I hoped in helping me to have an outlet to help me stay sober through stressful stuff and just life while feeling and figuring out my emotions.
I almost want to save this as a draft and retype my post but this is part of the process, for me anyway, being honest out loud about my life.
I think the emotional wave is ebbing cause I’m feeling quite sleepy now.
Off to peaceful sleep – putting positive thoughts in my head 😉

Namaste.

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.9 – dueling experiments *throwaway*

Wonders I’m wondering.
Serendipitous topic ideas running unfiltered through my noggin.
Jotted some scribbles to decipher..
Fun new word!
As I go, maybe, I’ll explain.
grasp those straws!

kiLLing it with kindness. brad word for word what I have in my notepad[app]

It’s the first entry and I know what it’s about. My entitled attitude having self…
Earlier this morning I was being a real snooty princess type (which I don’t do ever) about getting to finish the new parts before having to go back to the usual ones in that I was hoarding the newbies and got all protective of my stash when Brad showed up wanting in on the goods.
He ACTUALLY works there (on probation) but just recently graduated out of temp-status and is a bit “off” or maybe just on the spectrum.
Either way I called it right with this note.
I started off being snarky and dismissive, being pretty emasculating to boot, a real grade A asshole, I now realize, and I was in a good mood all the while.
I was even so petty that I wouldn’t move my parts an inch to give him room at his “usual” (when he works with us lowly temps-I’m being honest about my attitude to my embarrassment and it is how he treats us: “YOU guys … while I [something more important]) spot at the table. My reasoning: in order for him to get it at all he just literally rolled his chair into the newest temp without even an excuse me so I was getting payback … for her. The old lady next to me moved my stuff when I left the table and reminded me about compassion when I returned.
Well HELLO exactly what I needed to hear, right?
Guess it wasn’t enough for me because I made a point to, calmly yet snappily, tell Brad that he has a habit of tornado-ing through other people’s work areas to create his own space. Damned if the guy didn’t thank me, for letting him know, SINCERELY, not a drop of sarcasm.
THAT snapped me out of my Brad-warpath I was on and it wasn’t even an hour into the day. I went back and started my day over like they say to do in Alcoholics Anonymous

GOAL: attend AA tomorrow before Riley arrives

and I decided kindness was my kick for the day and maybe even a dash of empathy!
It worked though, Brad and I got along well and not in the fake coworkers kind of way but we had some interesting conversations (well interesting to him but I played ball, with empathy even – for myself – no really, I was good).
What made me know that we’d gotten somewhere in our coworkship (coworker relationship, its a thing!..) was when he said to me, he goes, “If I ever make inappropriate comments or make anyone feel uncomfortable, can you please let me know? I can’t always tell.” Even better than just anyone asking such a proactive request, Brad’s nickname (and our next topic suggestion) is Two-Cents… you’ll see


It does not matter how slowly you go

as long as you do not stop.

Confucius

two-cent$again just like my notepad[app] has it


So I got excited and got ahead of myself tripping over that last sentence.
I’m doing html coding – is that correct? – to relearn how to build a webpage
(I first learned in 5th grade, I believe, and never did use it so I lost it)
and after this mess of a post will add SUBTLETIES to future posts and this allows me to do that. Okay, sorry, run-on big time.


Right, Brad! two-cent$ got his nickname for the fact that he will offputtingly interject himself into your already booked conversation using some incredibly unhumorous statement – sometimes while someone else is still talking – that, of course, he and only he finds hilarious and very rarely does he have any clue as to what the conversation is actually about so it is even more of a sore thumb. Occasionally he’ll grab a word he hears someone say or thinks he does, and, with no context, just roll with that to try to get included.
It is CRINGY, to steal my daughter’s word – I now get what it means and the feeling that word exudes is borderline physically painful.
two-cent$ is very aware that he does this, so when he asked me to let him know about making people uncomfortable…I was straight up:
“Dude [insert above description] so do you mean when you’re not INTENTIONALLY doing so? How do I…decide?” No sugar getting coated, we’re buds now, right?.
Then it gets downright depressing as he tells me – his best coworkship-person – about how he eats his meals in his room now because he got tired of having nothing to add to his parents’ conversation at the dinner table. He kept reminding me that they really want him to eat down there with them but that the only way he was part of conversations was by doing what he does: knowingly rudely interrupting people’s conversations.
He definitely is socially awkward but he knows what he’s doing is not acceptable adult real-world behavior.
I did tell him I would keep him apprised of any other social ineptitude I may witness.

“Tired minds don’t plan well.

Sleep first. Plan later.”

Walter Reisch

laSt and beSt ~ lotSa wordS

introducing my newest word

with its multitude of fraternal twins:

Earworm aka a brainworm, sticky music, stuck song syndrome, or Involuntary Musical Imagery (IMI) is a catchy piece of music that continually repeats through a person’s mind after it is no longer playing.

my Earworm today

More words! some of my favorite lyrics ever! (not the whole song, which rocks) but these:

This is how it works
You’re young until you’re not
You love until you don’t
You try until you can’t
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else’s heart
Pumping someone else’s blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don’t get harmed
But even if it does
You’ll just do it all again

Regina Spektor, On the Radio

I absolutely adore these lyrics. It explains life and relationships to the T and makes me smile while doing it. I’ll break it down for your entertainment and hopeful enjoyment later. It is too late and I am too tired but here is the rest of my topics list:

thank you for indulging me while I try

HTML

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, reblog

The 3 Stages Of Falling Apart — Thought Catalog

You walked into the room and it was full of people, but I didn’t see the people. You shot me a cynical look and I already knew what you were thinking. 426 more words

The 3 Stages Of Falling Apart — Thought Catalog

This is the most impacting piece of writing I’ve read in years if not ever.
It more than just speaks to the reader, it more than just paints a picture.
I felt the writing, not as in feeling any of the characters’ emotions, while that is all depicted phenomenally I felt the writing.
Each word seemed heavy with a sort of rawness and vulnerability.
Every word spoke to me and seemed purposeful and necessary.
The concept is one that I would usually, and almost did, pass over as relationship/break up are overdone topics but the author brings you through the 3 stages of a relationship: the honeymoon period, the active relationship with gloves off most often, and the break up/end. It feels like you experience them all as the reader in an out of body surreal sensation that I can’t put the correct word for.
The point of view creates a calm resigned atmosphere that pulls at the heartstrings but not in a sad way, it is very bittersweet and comforting.
When you read it let the writing read to you and listen instead.
This is an intoxicating piece of writing and it looks and even reads (word for word wise) pedestrian but deeply affected me in an, apparently, indescribable way.
I am inspired by this.

Posted in recovery

day 14 – can you hear me now

I couldn’t stay asleep last night and just got up around 3:30 and sent emails to my boyfriend about what was on my mind.
Rather than try to have verbal discussions about relationship stuff that often turn into disputes (and in neither am I ever satisfied in feeling heard) I now send, often lofty, emails to my boyfriend. He doesn’t respond via email but in person he acknowledges my points and sometimes offers feedback. While I usually start my emails wanting some sort of resolution of an issue or explanations/answers about whatever has me bothered, by the time I’ve finished articulating what is on my mind my desire for dialogue is quashed. I feel heard (I can’t come up with a different verbiage that adequately expresses the same sentiment).
By choosing to take the time to type out all my thoughts, that I would otherwise be trying to verbalize, explain, and bring about a point to, I get to perfect their delivery. I get to express all of my thoughts, feelings, concerns, perspectives, etc. about any topic, situation, feeling, happening ad nauseam and then edit myself. It is therapeutic to do so and I can decide to not send an email after further consideration whereas nothing said can be unsaid. I wish I had implemented this years ago.
I am fortunate in that Alex, my boyfriend, reads them all and will do so with me there if he hasn’t by the time we are with each other again. Knowing he has “heard” everything I wanted to communicate to him is fulfilling and a refreshing change from wondering and reiterating. I thought I would still need, or at least want, a thorough response about his takeaway and feelings in regards to what he had read but I prefer it this way.
Issues that need discussions and/or solutions we chat about throughout the day to day in regular conversation and without as much pressure as forcing an uncomfortable talk or debate. We haven’t gotten it all ironed out yet but it has lessened stress in our relationship thus far so I’m going to continue.

Right now we have some unnecessary tension from the lack of trust and continued dishonesty from him. He is just choosing that he is not going to be honest about certain situations and refusing to explain why he’s doing so or why he is knowingly continuing to hurt me and our relationship. So our relationship is not anything to take advice from; the emailing has just restored a lot of my sanity and peace of mind and reduced stress, so it is beneficial just not the solution to our problem.

I’m keeping on though.
One day at a time.

Onward.

Posted in recovery

Day 11 – bombarding ExCuSeS

I am lost. I know what not to do but stopping myself is difficult. I realize I should be reminding myself of all the reasons NOT to pick up: my kids, my health, because its a drug that is not good for my mind or my body, mainly my kids!!!, keeping my promises, being able to be honest about everything with the people in my life that mean so much to me, there is more I know but those are what I can come up with at the moment. It’s especially hard to think of reasons not to with the devil snickering at my reasons on my shoulder, no angel for me it seems. I know that is a choice not to hear my conscience as it is always there and I’m choosing to ignore the good voice.

It really matters to be ready to be ready to quit. I swear I am but I feel like I am still going to use and planning my relapses – maybe that is normal but when I quit before and it stuck for a decent amount of time I didn’t have that. I didn’t even crave it I was just done, I want that back!! So I’m going to take this a different way and just accept that it is part of quitting a intensely addictive drug like methamphetamine. I SO love being high and I went and relapsed and kept getting high every couple weeks and then I just finished a ten day binge so I have to realize that I am going to struggle, last time was a blessing but it didn’t stick anyway right? I believe my excuse for relapse was legit – did I tell it already? I know excuses are like assholes, everybody’s got one – especially for relapses. But here might as well share since I’m trying to give a clear picture of my life during, after, and in between active addiction.

My excuse reason (I take accountability for my relapse not trying to justify it just clarify what led up to it so not excusing my relapse): I hadn’t felt the overwhelmingly shitty emotions that I felt in October 2018 within my time sober and the way I had handled bad shit in my life was to numb myself by getting high so I made an inexcusably idiotic choice to relapse to run from feeling.
Let me explain: I didn’t know how to handle the betrayal I felt when I found out my boyfriend was talking to a female behind my back and actively hiding it while nightly going to the casino where he’d met her with his maps timeline saying he had been there for a whole 5 minutes but hadn’t stayed but had instead turned off his location (or was driving in a perfectly straight line for hours).
(Yeah I will accept that I am overbearing a bit by asking to see his timeline but he was lying to me AND I don’t believe there should be secrets in a relationship. I justify my nosiness and stand by my right to be so with someone I’ve been with for 3 years and is acting shady [he was making his deception painfully apparent]. And as I’ll explain in the stories of my addiction part of my blog, not by any means as out of line as I now realize my spywareing his phone was…yeah I’m not proud of myself as I once was for my snooping [while high mind you, yeah excuses, I know!] but I learned a lot from it – like not to do it again which I’ve successfully failed at along the way a bit…lots to explain but not here.)
((Another side note and part of my justification: I’m transparent with him, just so ya know, and he knows my passwords and has unfettered access to my phone and computer.))
Back to the excuse to relapse: He swears that, while my timeline tracks me perfectly and I’m on a cheap network compared to his T-Mobile, it just isn’t accurate. Yeah so more lame lies there. Anyway, he had been regularly texting this female for 4 days when I decided to check (and I’d been sober for a while so I’d stopped any sort of snooping until this really apparent change in behavior) and see what he was hiding. I confronted him about it after asking to, and being allowed, to see his phone and finding out that he was in fact deleting texts and phone calls between him and this female.
(So I can stop beating around the bush, I’m embarrassed is the thing, I checked his phone usage on his phone’s online account where it shows all text messages and phone calls placed and received among other things. I still feel justified but I know it isn’t normal to do thus my reluctance to tell on myself. I feel fine with my admission now – comments of “psycho female” are expected and not discouraged lmao I’d like to hear anyone’s opinion of any of what I share it’s part of why I’m blogging – perspective.)
I asked him about this discrepancy, came right out and told him what I knew and (I had blocked my number and called so I knew the owner of the number being conversated [not a word but you get it] with.) that I knew he had deleted it. I explained that I was feeling really ill-at-ease with what I’d found and would appreciate an explanation of why he was doing these things (talking to another female AND deleting the interactions).
He laughed at me. He said I was all wrong and that he had lent his phone to a coworker (4 days and over 50 texts a day plus long phone calls) and that I was being ridiculous and insecure. He mocked me! He told me, prior to the coworker excuse, that I was going to feel “really stupid” when I found out the truth about this situation and laughed at me some more. THEN, he accused me of being high and paranoid (I wasn’t until the next day – high not paranoid I only get paranoid when I smoke marijuana.) and said my facial expression proved it since I was clenching my jaw with anger that he…fuck explaining his excuse for accusing me he did it to throw me off his actions and he was wrong and had no real reason for his accusation besides being caught in his own bullshit.
It gets worse before it gets better as he continued trying to get away with his indiscretion, it doesn’t really get better at any point actually just an all around shitty situation. He decides he wants to take a drive and discuss it further there once he realized I’m not buying into his bullshit and I’m not budging on my desire to be told the TRUTH about what was going on.
This is where it gets ridiculous – his explanation about these hidden interactions:
So I don’t know why his ex-wife was brought up but for some reason she was and her name is Mary. When I asked what this other females name was, right after whatever discussion was happening to distract me was over, he told me Marilyn. He did say it probably wasn’t her real name, why he thought it wasn’t real unless she was hooker (and that could well be the case being he met her at the casino where they look for johns) ugh that sucks. It makes a lot of sense with how we met – I’ll get to that in stories too, sorry for all of the cliffhangers but it’s all worth the wait, you’ve probably figured out whats what from context anyway ;). So now this “Marilyn” (I can’t not put it in quotes at this point, I even use air quotes when it is talked about) and he met at the casino while he was playing she sat down next to him and he saw she was wearing a lot of jewelry and he was selling some MEN’S GOLD CHAINS that he got from some shady dealing or other so he thought to offer this FEMALE the chains and “went and got them from the car to show her” (I believe that now to mean they went to the car and he got head for $36 dollars [amount explained momentarily haha]) and supposedly brought these MEN’S GOLD CHAINS in for this FEMALE to possibly purchase.
I need to add that he repeatedly kept telling me “I didn’t cheat” although I hadn’t and didn’t ask even once if he had and finally told him that he was making it seem like he was feeling really guilty of cheating by continuing to refute an unasked question.
That explanation happens to get even better a couple days later but after telling me this awesome excuse for why he had gotten her number – to follow up on her buying these – and why they had been in touch – 50 text messages in ONE DAY for her to tell him (must have been repetitively) why she was without the funds to do so but was still planning to; their discussions, according to the caught liar who continued to lie himself into a steaming pile of unbelievable shit, were “about her son, her mother, and her car.”
He also tried to congratulate himself on having brought me up to her because she has a Mercedes that is broke down and I drive a Mercedes but I didn’t care for him talking to her about me anymore than I appreciated his lies.
Now I desperately WANTED to believe that he wasn’t lying to cover his lies and that he was speaking the truth, how I was making this make any sense in my head is beyond me, and nearly believed him – I HAD to believe him for him to NOT BE LYING TO ME! I think it was made worse by how poorly he was lying and that he didn’t put any (and even made his lying more apparent) effort into making his lies believable. Anyway he had pulled the wool over my eyes for the time being and we returned home and had sex (gotta keep him satisfied so he doesn’t go elsewhere to “Marilyn,” right? Yeah, I know I’m pathetic) and went to bed.
Now I had LOTS of questions to followup with the next day. After turning things over in my head and recounting the amount of messages and discovering that he was still in contact with her after saying he would not have anymore contact with her, I was no longer feeling so convinced of the whole MEN’S GOLD CHAINS being attempted to be sold to a FEMALE and that even if it were true there was no necessity for days of multiple phone calls and texts. To top off my suspicion of his fictional recounting of the necessity and substance of this communication he, I swear it hand to GOD, gave me a new explanation of how they met!
Yeah, the next day or the one after that, he came into the living room and announced, very triumphantly, that she had actually offered to sell him an apple watch for, bet you guessed it, 36 dollars (supposedly the remainder of the cash he had on hand is what he offered, my take, again, is that this payment was for a blowjob but I’ll likely never know)!! Now, this was the new way they started the conversation and the new reason for getting her phone number (eventually he melded the two tales together, very crafty eh lmao) was so she could buy back the watch from him and THAT is what they’d been talking about (as well as the MEN’S GOLD CHAINS he put together after a few awkward questions from my befuddled and overwhelmed self yet I now didn’t know what made him think someone hawking their apple watch would want to BUY [men’s] jewelry). So, ON TOP OF already lying to me he threw a hail mary new nonsensical explanation for his having been conversing with this female. He did show me the watch to verify his second story (I now believe she’d dropped it in his car and he’d worried I’d noticed it the night we’d talked) and he seemed to feel pretty good about this new story. My attempt to get answers as to which happened first and how he “saw her wearing a lot of jewelry” when she “sat next to him” made sense when she was willing to part with an expensive-to-my-knowledge watch he now deemed that to have happened after their first meeting. I could very clearly recall him stating he “met her when she was trying to sell her apple watch around the casino” when he announced the scenario…my head was spinning also.
Now, I can think of tons of situations in which he had gotten another females number and been texting and calling her basically nonstop for days, none good, but TONS that would make some sort of sense. I could even come up with the bullshit story that he’d been talking to this person’s boyfriend and they happened to share a phone – I used to share a phone with my exes which he knew so if he’d tried to put any thought into this he’d have realized that would be relatable (google search says it is a word stupid red squiggles) and understandable (if I forgot that he’d been deleting the conversations that is but honestly anything semi-believable sounding would have worked) and would have made me feel like the idiot he’d made me out to be when I confronted him. But, alas no, he made no attempt to make his lies even seem logical. Now truth can be stranger than fiction, I know he reminded me, and the last part of the quote says “fiction has to make sense. Reality of course does not” so there is the possibility of it being true if he hadn’t pulled out the watch story for absolutely no reason as to why they were in contact after it was initially because she was wearing a lot of jewelry when she sat down by him so he was selling her (say it with me!) MEN’S GOLD CHAINS.
If you’re still bearing with this elongated telling of my, probably a bit more understandable, reason behind relapsing, thank you and it gets brilliantly worse for me.
So, less is more, he’s lied, he’s sneaking some sort of relationship (yes I can call it that because they were developing a comfort with each other that wreaks of probably more that I’ll likely never know) with another female behind my back and covering his lies with more lies, I suck at less is more, and then shuts down. He refuses to reiterate things he felt he’d already answered even when I was asking for information that he had not been forthcoming with prior. He watched me cry and blame myself (a tactic I tried that DID NOT work AT ALL) and said he wouldn’t be in contact with her anymore, after he’d already said so and failed to do so once at this point. He was getting angry WITH ME for not just GETTING OVER IT and this little nugget pops up:
Incoming text: “If you don’t message me or call me back I’m going to send you some nudes.”
Check the phone’s usage and low and behold he WAS STILL TEXTING AND CALLING HER.
I decided to take matters into my own hands and call her myself. He tackled me and tried to pry my phone from my hands when he realized what I was doing. He told me that if I called then I would need to find a new living situation. I had to leave an out-of-breath-yelling-at-the-grounded-phone message of my name and to call me back at my number because I was confused as to her communicating with my boyfriend. Now, if he had nothing to hide (yes I get it was very obvious he did) then why all the theatrics of threatening to break up with me rather than just letting me find out from this person that I was being insecure and making an ass of myself. She called back and, for the first time ever, he answered my phone before I could get to it and she hung up. So, I wasn’t giving up – at this point I was already homeless and dumped according to him so I really had nothing to lose – and I took my phone and text messaged her. I’m not good at being sneaky one bit so he figured out my scheme very quickly but I was able to get a few questions in with responses back. Remember, he’d just spooked her by answering my phone and he was cockily proud of that apparent by the smug look on his face.
L: “How do you know [my man’s name]?”
“M”: “Why is that any of your business?”
L: “Well he is my boyfriend and you’re threatening to send him nude pictures of yourself.”
“M”: “I didn’t say that you must have misread it.”
I even stopped to rethink what I’d read and, honest, contemplated if I had misread an easily readable text and made something up in my own head that was false. Thankfully, I caught myself falling into old patterns of uncertainty of my sanity – which he’d made difficult to decipher reality from being duped and sent me to a psych ward when I’d nearly caught him cheating previously (Why stay? Well I’m in love with the asshat which is super important compared to being given any inkling of respect or honesty in return and I have no place to go except my car, I have tried and failed at leaving [being kicked out for a week] because of my lack of money, no affordable housing, and severe disdain for change.) – and reassured myself that I had seen what I had seen and he’d even acknowledged the message as saying so, so my confidence in my knowledge was restored.
L: Huh. Well are you trying to sleep with [my man’s name]?
“M”: “Hell yeah. And I want you too.”
Possible sarcasm, likely, but when I tell my boyfriend what she said she said, “Yes.” Of course that was trying to elicit some honesty and kind of worked actually, a month later though.
L: “Since you know about me then why are you trying to cause problems by getting involved with him?”
“M”: “It’s not your business. I don’t want to continue this. Go spend your time cleaning or cooking something. Haha.”
And I was so stricken by her knowledge of our, as far as I was aware, ONLY issue being my lack of cleaning out our back rooms and my hate of cooking and inability to not burn everything, besides steak but damnit once actually that did happen once as well, I tried to prepare thus my lack of cooking also, that I just politely asked her to not contact my boyfriend further.
“M”: Go clean or cook something and mind ya business. Mind ya business.”
L: Nothing I was so hurt that he’d not only done all of the expressed above BUT HAD ALSO COMPLAINED ABOUT ME AND OUR RELATIONSHIP TO HER.
**I’d like to acknowledge that I know I have some glaring flaws but I do clean the floors and the bathroom/living room/kitchen. I just don’t know how to reduce my clothing any further (I’ve taken over 5 full large garbage bags to Goodwill in the past year with clothes and shoes) and we don’t have shelves or a dresser so clothes are just stacked and the other room I don’t know where to start getting rid of stuff BUT WE HAVEN’T USED THOSE ROOMS IN THE 3 YEARS WE’VE LIVED HERE for anything but storage/closets. I’m also the only one who got rid of the cockroach, ewww, problem and keep up spraying for them. I’d say maybe he was sick of my neediness and him providing for me but at the time of the step-outtance I had gotten my own car, had a job, was paying my half of rent and filling our NOS and black and mild addictions and was SOBER for over a year (with one very short relapse). Just defending myself a little bit after outing my deficiencies as outed by the ever-wonderful and grandly appreciated sweet, sweet “Marilyn.”**
I know and knew 20 minutes later what I should have asked but I’d lost my gall and had to get to an appointment with my treatment provider (monthly one on one sessions).
My boyfriend seeing how deflated the texting had made me PROMISED this time that he wouldn’t call or text her again. While I was at my one on one pouring my open-wound-having heart out to my counselor he had about an hour’s worth of conversation between 3 different calls with her, I was crushed even more so finding that out.
After that she has text once but he blocked her number afterward and as far as I can SEE there has been no continued communication, at least not with that number. I did overhear a conversation between him and his best friend bringing up how surprisingly cheap phones went for at Walmart which he’d denied having knowledge of when I’d brought it up after.
I spent a week down and out and bitching and asking questions that he refused to answer telling me he’d told me everything he was going to tell me and that there was nothing more to tell. I have no doubt in my mind he was confusing himself with his lies and what she, by my account, told me via text the following day (there wasn’t any further texting with her, from me at least, but I pretend) and couldn’t bring himself to get caught in more lies by answering something I asked in contradiction to what he’d already said. He expected me to just drop it and get over it and would just take off, or threaten to, if I didn’t drop it. Also he said sorry and then nearly immediately took it back by justifying his actions as “trying to make some money” numerous times. He was only “sorry” that he’d gotten caught so quickly, and in my hopeful delusional mind I caught him before any sex stuff happened…except that damn parking lot blowy for $36 I’ve mentioned but have not gotten confirmation of it taking place so still holding out hope, lol, not really. So after a week of fruitless prodding I gave up and we moved forward with me not mentioning it any time again soon after.
But see, I was learning “relationship communication ‘tactics'” in my treatment from my counselor. He was pretty much teaching us how to turn negative conversations to the positive by flipping the script on the other person unexpectedly and demonstrated on a distraught daughter of a constantly bitching mother, which failed miserably but sure was entertaining.
So a month later I took what I learned from my counselor and research I’d been doing on the internet and used it on my boyfriend. IT WORKED!!
He confessed that she had been getting the wrong idea (no admittance of fault on his part however) and was making assertions of having sex with him and had been complaining about and telling him she wasn’t having sex with her boyfriend. He admitted he had lied, not about anything specific but more of an “include-it-all” kind of admittance (he has since tried to stand by his stories, contradictory as meeting someone for the first time twice is, and still uses the justification of making money whenever mentioned [it is the cause of everything falling apart not brought up until 2 weeks ago beyond that]). He was apologetic and remorseful and telling me that he fucked up. I just sat there listening letting him say as much as he would say. He said that they’d had inappropriate conversations and that is why he deleted the messages and calls as well as because he knew I wouldn’t like him talking with another female (yeah you may call it insecurity but I call it KNOWLEDGE and EXPERIENCE teaching me nothing good comes from either person in a relationship getting someone of the opposite sex’s [or same sex’s if that is your preference] number and carrying on with said female or male [especially when hiding it]). He then snapped and started cursing me and telling me that I wanted things that he didn’t (none of which was true except marriage but I’ve told him it’s not a must do as I’ve already done it) and what kind of therapy bullshit did I just pull on him. He wasn’t happy with coming clean and he hadn’t even scratched the surface or been satisfyingly, for me, honest or forthcoming. I still just sat there and he went between that mess and apologizing without admitting anymore wrongdoing.
That is where this whole debacle should end right?
But no because I knew he was still not telling me something important and I couldn’t seem to get past it and move on knowing he was still lying to me. I tried. I didn’t bring it up (except to say [air quote] “the Marilyn incident” [air quote] when referring to when things took a shitty turn for us) in the months following (I did ask a couple followup questions that were not well received the following day though which he still holds against being honest with me about certain things) until I get a horrible gut wrenching ache that tells me something isn’t cool with something going on with Maurice. Come to, yes I spied not proud, find out he was talking to “that one from last week” about “moving into the place she gets but she put emphasis on the ‘rent a room’ part like nigga you ain’t moving in WITH me.” Now why was this new female having to CLARIFY that he wasn’t moving in WITH her and WHY WAS SHE OFFERING HIM A PLACE AT ALL WHEN WE HAVE AN APARTMENT?! Also, this brought back the remembrance of the “Marilyn” issue not having been resolved.
So to sum up the newest addition to unknown-to-me females in my boyfriend’s life when I asked him about it he didn’t even bother trying to lie he just refused to answer because I’d gained the knowledge through “espionage” and could just find my answer through further “spy tactics.” I realize its just another lame excuse to avoid truth telling but I get that it is violating to have private information known that you weren’t wishing to be known. And that when backed in a corner people will throw around blame and denials to avoid the actual problem. There is more to that conversation I’ll dive into in stories as well. He did eventually try to say that he didn’t know her and that she was some stranger that was looking for roommates yet where this lacking-truth conversation took place was forgotten by him and no further explanation of any of the particulars were given. “That one from last week” (direct quote) tells of there being previous discussion of said person to the best friend, Aaron – he’ll come up throughout and I don’t want to keep lamely saying best friend [of my boyfriend] so remember who Aaron is!!! Jokes I’ll not leave you wondering but now you know he’s got a name.
So, I tell you about this new girl to segue to provide a rationale for bringing up “Marilyn” again after so long. Firstly, the wound was unable to heal and therefore I wasn’t getting past the issue while desperately trying to “accept the thing I cannot change” and go forward. Secondly, the wound was ripped back to completely open and another was added when I found out there was another hidden interaction with a female and that this one had led to moving-in discussion.
I sent an email about my feelings and those topics were main points within my sharing. I’m not a wuss it’s just that talking with him seemed to be going nowhere fast and it let me get all my desired thoughts out without interruption or dismissal (of course he could stop reading which would kind of be both) by him. I ended up sending emails for a week straight ending just 11 days ago actually and did, along with me hammering my reproach of his continued lies and avoidance of issues he created after he’d read them, bring about some honesty.
He honestly is not going to be honest until he is ready and feels safe to like I wasn’t honest about things (while high) until I was ready (got sober). He feels like it will just give me more to be offended by and I’m guessing he doesn’t want to be the bad guy who did the offense more than he really cares about my feelings being hurt more. I mean in reality postponing and dragging this out further is about the shittiest thing he could do to me – I want it over and done with, I want to get the truth of what he’s been doing and talking about with other females behind my back (why would be nice but not necessary) (he could just come up with good lies at this point really) and then I want to deal with the hurt that may come, or whatever emotions I end up feeling, and move on without another word about it, I don’t even want to ask questions anymore. After typing all that out I’m in a better head space already about it – not okay with his actions by any means – just feeling like I’ve expressed my annoyance and frustration creatively and somewhat wholly so a bit of the burden has been let go.
Okay now that I’ve told you the story of my reason for relapsing I’ll get back to the point of what, from that, caused my relapse. As I had said at the beginning overwhelmingly painful emotions flooded me as I was devastated at finding out for sure that my boyfriend is willing to lie to my face and interact with other females inappropriately seemingly without legitimate remorse. This being the second worst thing to happen to me in life, after my kids getting abducted and my custody being taken which is not comparable whatsoever but is by far the worst thing to occur in my life, and to suffer through the discomfort and distress his betrayal brought me while sober seemed too much to endure (I realize people deal with far worse things sober everyday this is something that, for me, was life-shattering and something I didn’t want to actually face). The disappointment and despair I felt having the person I’d trusted with my life and health and hopes and fears and insecurities, the man I thought of as my best friend and partner in life, knocked from the pedestal I’d created for him and proven to be a lying, manipulative, callous person (and not just toward anyone but regarding ME and our relationship) especially after having been at, what I believed, was a really good place in our relationship when he decided to do this.
All in all I was too much a coward to face life on life’s terms and to actually feel unpleasant emotions so I pitifully ran away to avoid reality. And until now I was just perpetuating my eluding dealing with reality by every couple weeks picking back up for a few days since October 19th 2018 when I relapsed because I was copping-out of the hard parts of living.
I don’t blame him for my relapse, my new resentments however he does get credit for and is the star of!
Relapsing, though, was a choice I made knowing, and apparently accepting, the repercussions of doing so and a decision to stay stuck in denial and evade accepting reality. The amelioration I’d achieved in my sobriety didn’t hold a candle to my deviously duplicitous addict mentality I have demonstrated. This time around I want to work for/on and develop/achieve strength of character, true grit, perseverance, strength of mind, and the ability to live life on life’s terms.
After some research I’ve realized that the above
This blog is definitely beneficial to my continued sobriety.
Thank you!

P.S.
My boyfriend is a good guy and, as you will come to see in stories, he’s dealt with A LOT of bullshit and stuck by me in some of the most impossible situations. I’m not condoning the aforementioned behavior but he’s the reason I’m alive and able to get sober today. I’m sharing my life and in turn his life but all through my point of view; just don’t forget that there is another side to every story.