Posted in a few blocks in my converse

honesty is easier

Say what you like: say I'm ill,
Say I broke my leg on the stairs,
Say we've had a fire
—T. S. Eliot

Think of the trouble of excuses and lies. They force us to make ourselves sick, live with a whole broken leg, start some sort of slow burn. When we tell someone we're not at home, we have to hide in that place. When we invent a long line of lies, we have to memorize each one. It's easiest just to come clean, use plain and simple words, and speak true. When accusers spear us with their stares, we can disarm them by looking them right in the eye.

Not only do lies deceive others, they keep us hidden from ourselves, and make our real reasons for the choices we've made seem unworthy, if we feel we can't express them. Better that we be truthful, even if a little pain results. Truth keeps communication lines open. Then, when someone really wants to know what's on our minds, we can simply open our hearts.

Is anything too terrible to tell to a friend?

From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991

Thursday, February 20

Say what you like: say I’m ill,
Say I broke my leg on the stairs,
Say we’ve had a fire
—T. S. Eliot

Think of the trouble of excuses and lies. They force us to make ourselves sick, live with a whole broken leg, start some sort of slow burn. When we tell someone we’re not at home, we have to hide in that place. When we invent a long line of lies, we have to memorize each one. It’s easiest just to come clean, use plain and simple words, and speak true. When accusers spear us with their stares, we can disarm them by looking them right in the eye.

Not only do lies deceive others, they keep us hidden from ourselves, and make our real reasons for the choices we’ve made seem unworthy, if we feel we can’t express them. Better that we be truthful, even if a little pain results. Truth keeps communication lines open. Then, when someone really wants to know what’s on our minds, we can simply open our hearts.

Is anything too terrible to tell to a friend?

From Today’s Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991

Posted in recovery

0.twenty-three :: vocables

I want to write. My ideas don’t want to be written.
My synapses are missing their marks.
My brain is like a stubbed toe, pulsating life but producing nothing.

I have words though.
I’ve been writing lines of words starting with words starting with the letter “a” through the letter “z.” I made myself an “ABC Me” with some of my favorite words.
Wanna see?
No? Didn’t think so but you get to anyway!

I find it fun!!

And I made this which I’m actually very fond of:

This makes my heart super happy!

Because you were curious ;P
This is what I’ve been doing.

Abstract affirmations ability align asking arrived ample anxious acceptance
Bowling baffling bedside borderline bashful bastard being belated beard
Cantankerous corduroy careful clasp cheetah creature comfort calligraphy
Demonic dreadful delightful deafening durable doable different digestion
Effervescence elongated epitome effectual entertaining essential easier ear
Frightful figurine futuristic family fortune favors fearless forgiveness fate
Grandeur grateful gripping graduation griddle girlfriend gaze gimpy golfer
Hope history himself hearty hindering helpful hickory hideaway hipster hi
Igloo ignoramus innocent internet inferno icicle itchier illicit itinerary infer
Juice jewelry jack-o-lantern jeopardy journey jingle jumper jumble jiffy jig
Kitten kid kite knife karate kitchen ketchup kindly kipper kelp kill kindred
Lass lord label little lackadaisical limitless live love laugh learn listen lists
Maniac mazes mystery marker macaroni mildew motherly maternal may
Nickname naked never nearsighted nope noodle nutty nutrition nifty nose
Opportunity opponent officially optimistic over octopus optional ocean oh
Prayer pretend perfect picturesque palpable pretty partied parade pariah
Quit quilt quietly quiver questioning quality quarrel quickly quack quakes
Reason ransom restitution remember retaliate regular rapture recess raise
Seasonal simple saint sister sober situational syrup sugary sonar sixteenth
Truck total typical traitor tyranny tiger twisted twinning table torture tape
Unbelievable understanding uptown upside underneath udders usefulness
Victorious vain villain village vent variable virtuous vindictive very vital
Worthwhile wintry wearable whippersnapper waves willow wait wicked
Xylophone xenophobe x-ray xylophonist xenophobia xerox xeroxed xanax
Younger yipped yesteryear youthful youngster yellow yeti yonder yakisoba
Zodiac zippers zero zoom zap zit zebra zeroed zany zen zappy zonked zone

Recovery A to Z

Addiction
Boredom
Coffee
Drug-free
Effectual
Freedom
Gratitude
Help
Inpatient
Journey
Kindred
Life Lessons
Maturity
New
Opportunity
Progress
Quality
Recovery
Sobriety
Teachable
Unified
Vitality
Worthwhile
Xenial
Yes We Can
Zip-line to life

I’m a dork!
Much love.

Nudges of ideas for my brain to try to comprehend are welcomed in the comments. Stupid stubbed brain!

Posted in recovery, relapse

page 1 – tell / page 2 – show

Watching a new (new to me) show Crazy Ex Girlfriend and it is full of really poignant life lessons and introspective realizations while still being lighthearted and hilarious. I have a love-hate relationship with the main character and the story-line is my worst nightmare come true and biggest insecurity in my own relationship so it is a bit torturous but I am loving it. It is weirdly awesome to be rooting against the protagonist, the writer’s really do an amazing job. I’m happy to have a new show to binge on, I need the distraction from my own failings for the weekend.

Face it.

Might as well type out what I’m doing: I’m having a tug-of-war about in my head while I keep my fingers resting on the keyboard awaiting my indecision. I can keep deleting my admission and rewording it to make myself feel better, more justified – there is no justification but I’ve decided that I have stopped deleting so I can’t take back the… I don’t need any justification, there is none, I don’t want one, I screwed up. Yeah keep going whatever you think just type it.

Wow this is harder than I thought, I figured I’d be able to just stop thinking and win out that way but instead I’m causing a backup of words that I slowly type -lost it, I NEED to correct grammar and spelling but that will be my only excuse for delete. Ignoring the grammar there so I can move on.

Here is what I’m going to do. I’m going to thought-write. What I think I will type. I’m high. So that is why I’m trying to not allow myself to avoid admitting my relapse by (yep in my head I’m pausing my thoughts to pick the right ones, should do that more often) I want to delete the whole block and start anew. It wouldn’t be, I’m cheating and leaving out filler anyway; nope, just not listening to it, that is interesting. My thoughts are attacking and I am not allowing them through. We do control our thoughts if we choose to. And I can reread slowly and stop the train.

Now I’m repeating the words on the screen over and over so I can regroup.

Be real.

Eyes. Mine hurt. It is my own fault. I don’t feel good. Again my own fault. I think – if I can get this out and actually publish it/keep it…if I can be honest- I can come back to this and remind myself how it is every time I use, the shame and regret.

I already know some of the things I need to do differently that I am avoiding – delete Mick’s number (from all the places I’ve hidden it so I’d always have it somewhere if I deleted it…that one’s a ridiculous catch-22), throw out what I have left rather than finishing it (I ALWAYS finish what I get so maybe it’ll help to break that cycle, but will I? do I really want to? I do and I don’t.), man up and make the right choices (don’t allow myself excuses), get help, set a routine and stick by it, and keep being real about it because this is helping.

I feel like I’m going to seem full of shit about wanting to be clean if I admit my relapses, especially since I’m barely getting past 20 days on these first documented attempts, but that is just it isn’t it, some part of me must be. I am past the wanting to want it, I do want it, yesterday! I’m going to post this so that I will and then I’m going to write myself some reminders on my high brain even knowing this is not what I want.

A huge part of what keeps me sane is that I know I’m going to get past this. I am going to stay clean. There is an end to my suffering in sight and I can do it, I just need to keep at it with genuine intentions. I want change in my life. I’m scared as shit. Of what, I don’t know.

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