And these are the kinds of things I tell myself so that I do.
My life sucks. I’m still happily me.
I’m a hot mess, my life is upside-down due to things out of my control, but I am happy and back on track in keeping my thinking positive and productive! Learning to love myself and taking back responsibility and control over my thoughts, feelings, and actions has brought about so much personal and spiritual growth for me. For the longest time I was happy in my situation in life but not happy with myself. I had so many insecurities and always felt I needed someone to validate my worth. I swore, even to myself, I was happy with myself and I did like myself enough but I didn’t love myself and I was so hard on myself constantly. It was overwhelming and a lot of what led to getting started in addiction for me. *Put a pin in that for a later date when I have more time.* Flip the script and, I’d give anything, even my happiness (I know I still haven’t totally learned) to have my girls with me, but I am a much happier person and am able to really enjoy life now. So, when things get back to how they should be it’ll be that much better. Which, makes me excited for the work in my recovery to get there. I feel good and I think I’m going to choose to keep thinking this way!
Until just recently I hadn’t heard that saying to “feel your feels [feelings]” and I overheard my daughter, Riley, telling her boyfriend that she understood that that was what he was doing and my amazing 12 year old empowered her counterpart to do so however he needed and she would be there for him. My girl is showing empathy! There are a lot of other emotions and hormonal scatterbrain going on in her preteen years so for her to be learning and embracing the complexities of empathy is impressive. She was unaware of the word or action and we had a great discussion on it and her usage and my pride in her last night.
I would say I “struggle” with empathy but that is a lie I know how to be empathetic I would just rather cut the cord of bullshit and get down to the brass tact of the issue. I teach my kids empathy, I know it is important in being a good person to be empathetic, I often am empathetic to an extent but, what is the saying, those who can’t do, teach? Joking, joking. I just have no appetite for listening to someone knowingly lie to themselves to feel better in a situation where they were wrong and know it but are expecting support for their delusions. I’ll admit, some people are further down the rabbit hole of deluding themselves and may not realize when they are in the wrong, those who are the perpetual victim.
But, this is not about them, and that is the heart of the problem with my no nonsense approach to analyzing and/or “helping” in situations (when I’m asked to, I no longer just throw my two cents around except sometimes with coworkers), I’m not sensitive to the other person’s self-denial. I also don’t like to be bullshitted. I can and do bullshit my way around some situations in life that I don’t feel like dealing with but that doesn’t bring about resolution it just placates my ego. It is likely that more often than not I am making a true ass out of myself in talking circuitously instead of taking responsibility and people are just unwilling to call me out on it. So that is what I do for the betterment of everyone.
I would love (and hate in the moment as has been the case) if people would call me on my bullshit. One of my favorite people in the world is my dad and good, bad, or indifferent he has taught me the art of bullshitting; he is also the person I can trust to not play into my self-denial and will call me on the carpet every time. That I love! That I need! So that is also what I do, not always, I know when someone is not ready for self-actualization and don’t push it but I try to make it understood that we can be honest and have a real discussion, no judgement.
Empathy is about the other person, I know, and I am not being selfless as is needed to hone this interpersonal skill but I also know (ego! alert) I am making a positive difference. Yeah I can’t bullshit myself, my dad believes I am a sociopath and I tend to agree I have some tendencies leaning that direction, many people prefer to stay deluded and just be agreed with which is their right so long as they don’t ask my advice.
My aunt Demi is a beautiful, kindhearted train wreck. When we first got back into contact regularly a few months back she learned quickly and brutally that I wouldn’t cosign her bullshit. She still tries it with me and come to find out she doesn’t always see her fault (so she says) and I help her see, so see I’m helping. I’m cynical because I know that I know when I’m wrong even if I will steadfastly play the role of the victim. I do also forget that other people’s minds don’t work the same as mine, as mine doesn’t work the same as other people’s all the time.
My boyfriend has a buddy that will cosign ALL his bullshit and then write another check and it is sickening to witness. When he asked if it was okay that he was planning to ghost me after three years ol’ boy said with all he had done for me over that time it was perfectly understandable and he was the good person in the situation and always had been. Alex talks to him a lot less after I pointed it out because that is not a friend, that is an enabler.
I stayed in self-denial about my fault in losing my girls and still sometimes forget to remember my part. My dad kept me honest throughout though and let me hide in my bullshit only after I admitted my responsibility. That is love and true friendship to me.
So this is a bit of a character defect, or is it? I think it’s on the fence because my intentions are good in wanting to help someone get to the crutch of the issue but a bit selfish in not allowing them to decide when to process their own bullshit. Really if they ask I think it is my right to give my honest opinion but is it right?
I’ve only had a few truly devastating and traumatic situations in my life so I only know from those that I prefer tough love and brutal honesty to commiseration. I also don’t process all emotions. Until today I could not wrap my brain around anger, it just seemed nonsensical and counterproductive to a positive outcome but after reading the reasoning for a person’s experience of anger earlier I gained a bit of understanding as to why people get angry.
Always learning. I realize empathy can be used for sharing all different feelings and emotions through another person’s experience with them. I am just ranting about the enabling kind with a specific kind of people that I have run into a lot throughout life so it seems common and hopefully is relatable. It could also speak to the company I’ve always kept!
My character defects: bullshitting, lying, avoidance, selfishness, pride, ego, manipulation, self-aggrandizing, impatience,
Loving this word: Perspicacity a penetrating discernment —a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight.
Perspicacityis an abstract noun describing a certain capacity of a certain capability. (Such an awesome sentence that leaves you wanting more!)
I’ve fallen in LOVE
I’ve fallen in LOVE
True love I swear it be
With my new recovery Program!!
So I have been an avid Alcoholics Anonymous follower, when I’m avidly following some idea of a recovery program. BUT NOW I want to shout it from the rooftops that I havr finally found where I belong!! NA is eye opening; people out there understand me. I’ve been working on Step 1 questions from the program’s original step working guide and it made me read the NA book to answer a question so I started scanning for the answer and words started catching my eye. I knew I wasn’t going to get a good answer only half-assing my 101 page reading assignment and I was interested so I started at the first page and fell in love!! If I wasn’t seeing stars from being so tired after working my 2 am shift I’d still be reading it but I stopped at step 2 because I don’t want to read ahead and overwhelm myself. I may do so anyway after I nap.
The language and voice in the NA book is so different from that of the Big Book. I felt like I was chatting with someone my age with tattoos telling me about this exclusive “get clean for real this time” offer they’ve got going on. I know it isn’t especial for me, right? It sure seemed like it was while reading. I feel this program is exactly what my attempts at getting clean have been missing.
I wasn’t a fan of the longer meetings and the crowd where I went to a couple times I tried it was a bit rough. Hell, I need to put the extra time into my recovery and who am I to judge anyone?! Things are coming together.
Also, in no way am I dogging AA, the steps are exactly the same and the program is similar and I felt at home at my homegroup. I’m so darned excited to get a sponsor in NA. To talk to people about the struggles of methamphetamine withdrawal, specifically. It is so rad – the NA book has a chapter on Recovery and Relapse. I always wondered why relapse was so hush hush in AA, it seemed like to do so was to insult the group or at least specific people. I’m even planning on sharing and I never share at AA.
Okay nap time!! I’ll leave you with some NA wisdom:
I feel trapped. It is like I know the right things to do but the wrong thing keeps pulling me back in. I’ve been addicted to something since I was 15 and started smoking cigarettes and weed. Then it was alcohol. Then it was pain medication, prescribed (haha then not prescribed if I ran out). Then it was a giant leap into heroin. And meth. I beat all the other addictions. I feel unmotivated. The longest I’ve been sober is one year and one month in 18 years. I was on fire! I loved life clean. Since I couldn’t handle my emotions I turned back to my old pal meth. For years it had obliterated all pain for me. It was accessible and I knew it would numb the madness. I backslid on my medications, too. I feel incomplete. 8 months of a back and forth game. I’m ready for it to stop. I’m working on it one day at a time, or hour, or moment. But it’s calling my name. It’s driving me insane. I’m grieving my addiction as I fight to stay clean. My addiction got me through the hardest parts of my life. They are still ongoing and it’s difficult to face them. I feel overwhelmed. No one said it would be easy. Actually everyone said it would be hard. I’ve accepted my horrid mistake to start using again. Finally, no more guilt or blame or anger or shame. So that is helping. I got through losing a job the day after getting clean. I’m working a crazy schedule and I’m doing it! I feel hopeful.
Working through my issues one step at a time. pic by nali
I'm tired. I didn't get hired. Got a new job. It starts at 2:15 in the am. Glad to have a job. Sad that it is the worst shift. Still sober. Trying hard.
It is difficult to stay sober. I have no energy and getting high I have an abundance of energy, while I’m high but the aftermath is so much sleep and being unmotivated. I’ve decided I need to give some spirituality a chance, say hi and thank you to God more often. I know it gave me a lot of energy and desire to do things the time I got clean and stayed clean for a year and a month. It was so easy then and I don’t get why it is so hard this time around. I think that making it through a month will bring about change in my motivation a bit as well as chatting with God. One can hope! I’ve got lots of wisdom in how to stay sober and I’m not using the essentials. I need to go to meetings. I need to wake up and do some things productive; I did so today and I feel a bit better than yesterday. I need to be honest, this lying my way to graduating from treatment is starting to catch up with me. For now I’m taking it one day at a time. It is what I can and am doing right now. Staying clean for the minutes as they come. Staying up on my blog is something I want to get better about as I get out of this funk-if I get out of this funk, I never know if its withdrawals or my medications…or both is probably the case. Happiness, motivation, and energy – that is all I want! I’m way past my bedtime but struggling to sleep because I slept too much during the day. Go figure, when I need to sleep I can’t!! Haha. Such is life.
I was diagnosed schizophrenic and bipolar 1, combined creating my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I have used drugs to self medicate when I was not fully diagnosed and unable to continue getting the medications I had been on for years. The last time I got sober I had a few psychotic episodes that ended me up in a psychiatric ward for a couple weeks once and a months time the next. Then I got started on a hefty dose of medications. Emma’s poem puts into words perfectly what I’m struggling with staying on my medication and in sobriety. Life is different and my personality is very neutral, I lose my emotions and it takes enormous effort to feel for, toward, about anything. I’ve been told that maybe I should reduce my medications but they’re set to keep my symptoms at bay and less creates more symptoms. I honestly don’t mind most of them, enjoy some even, but I become misunderstood and too much for the people close to me. So I take my medications. When I use I don’t take my medications. Methamphetamine calms the chaos and keeps me centered. It is like being on medication but still having energy, light, feelings, being. I can’t and don’t want to keep using though so I have to figure out how to overcome the downer of being medicated in a healthy way. I’m still trying to figure that one out. This poem describes a big part of my struggle.
Daily Recovery ReadingsApril 12, 2019 Daily Reflection GIVING UP INSANITY “. . . where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane.” — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 38 Alcoholism required me to drink, whether I wanted to or not. Insanity dominated my life and was the essence of my disease. It robbed me of the […]
Wonders I’m wondering. Serendipitous topic ideas running unfiltered through my noggin. Jotted some scribbles to decipher.. Fun new word! As I go, maybe, I’ll explain. grasp those straws!
kiLLing it with kindness. brad word for word what I have in my notepad[app]
It’s the first entry and I know what it’s about. My entitled attitude having self… Earlier this morning I was being a real snooty princess type (which I don’t do ever) about getting to finish the new parts before having to go back to the usual ones in that I was hoarding the newbies and got all protective of my stash when Brad showed up wanting in on the goods. He ACTUALLY works there (on probation) but just recently graduated out of temp-status and is a bit “off” or maybe just on the spectrum. Either way I called it right with this note. I started off being snarky and dismissive, being pretty emasculating to boot, a real grade A asshole, I now realize, and I was in a good mood all the while. I was even so petty that I wouldn’t move my parts an inch to give him room at his “usual” (when he works with us lowly temps-I’m being honest about my attitude to my embarrassment and it is how he treats us: “YOU guys … while I [something more important]) spot at the table. My reasoning: in order for him to get it at all he just literally rolled his chair into the newest temp without even an excuse me so I was getting payback … for her. The old lady next to me moved my stuff when I left the table and reminded me about compassion when I returned. Well HELLO exactly what I needed to hear, right? Guess it wasn’t enough for me because I made a point to, calmly yet snappily, tell Brad that he has a habit of tornado-ing through other people’s work areas to create his own space. Damned if the guy didn’t thank me, for letting him know, SINCERELY, not a drop of sarcasm. THAT snapped me out of my Brad-warpath I was on and it wasn’t even an hour into the day. I went back and started my day over like they say to do in Alcoholics Anonymous
GOAL: attend AA tomorrow before Riley arrives
and I decided kindness was my kick for the day and maybe even a dash of empathy! It worked though, Brad and I got along well and not in the fake coworkers kind of way but we had some interesting conversations (well interesting to him but I played ball, with empathy even – for myself – no really, I was good). What made me know that we’d gotten somewhere in our coworkship (coworker relationship, its a thing!..) was when he said to me, he goes, “If I ever make inappropriate comments or make anyone feel uncomfortable, can you please let me know? I can’t always tell.” Even better than just anyone asking such a proactive request, Brad’s nickname (and our next topic suggestion) is Two-Cents… you’ll see
So I got excited and got ahead of myself tripping over that last sentence. I’m doing html coding – is that correct? – to relearn how to build a webpage (I first learned in 5th grade, I believe, and never did use it so I lost it) and after this mess of a post will add SUBTLETIES to future posts and this allows me to do that. Okay, sorry, run-on big time.
Right, Brad! two-cent$ got his nickname for the fact that he will offputtingly interject himself into your already booked conversation using some incredibly unhumorous statement – sometimes while someone else is still talking – that, of course, he and only he finds hilarious and very rarely does he have any clue as to what the conversation is actually about so it is even more of a sore thumb. Occasionally he’ll grab a word he hears someone say or thinks he does, and, with no context, just roll with that to try to get included. It is CRINGY, to steal my daughter’s word – I now get what it means and the feeling that word exudes is borderline physically painful. two-cent$ is very aware that he does this, so when he asked me to let him know about making people uncomfortable…I was straight up: “Dude [insert above description] so do you mean when you’re not INTENTIONALLY doing so? How do I…decide?” No sugar getting coated, we’re buds now, right?. Then it gets downright depressing as he tells me – his best coworkship-person – about how he eats his meals in his room now because he got tired of having nothing to add to his parents’ conversation at the dinner table. He kept reminding me that they really want him to eat down there with them but that the only way he was part of conversations was by doing what he does: knowingly rudely interrupting people’s conversations. He definitely is socially awkward but he knows what he’s doing is not acceptable adult real-world behavior. I did tell him I would keep him apprised of any other social ineptitude I may witness.
laSt and beSt ~ lotSa wordS
introducing my newest word
with its multitude of fraternal twins:
Earworm aka a brainworm, sticky music, stuck song syndrome, or Involuntary Musical Imagery (IMI) is a catchy piece of music that continually repeats through a person’s mind after it is no longer playing.
my Earworm today
More words! some of my favorite lyrics ever! (not the whole song, which rocks) but these:
This is how it works You’re young until you’re not You love until you don’t You try until you can’t You laugh until you cry You cry until you laugh And everyone must breathe Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works You peer inside yourself You take the things you like And try to love the things you took And then you take that love you made And stick it into some Someone else’s heart Pumping someone else’s blood And walking arm in arm You hope it don’t get harmed But even if it does You’ll just do it all again
Regina Spektor, On the Radio
I absolutely adore these lyrics. It explains life and relationships to the T and makes me smile while doing it. I’ll break it down for your entertainment and hopeful enjoyment later. It is too late and I am too tired but here is the rest of my topics list:
70 7r4n5l473 717l3 533 4dv4nc3d l337 5p34k 7h15 15 b451c l337 Okay I’ll stop that now. The hangover from methamphetamine is sleep. For the past five days (see it yet??) I have been either at work or asleep. And the awake time I had over the past weekend was spent solely on time with my daughter, Riley while she was here for the weekend (as she is every weekend!!! yayers). Just wanted to check-in and let ya know that I am still sober and having my first day where I can stay awake after work. Fun Fact: “Symptoms of fatigue usually peak around the fifth day of withdrawal, during which people will sleep an average of 11 hours per day (a phenomenon known as hypersomnia)” -verywellmind.com This evening I feel plugged in a bit but was struggling all day at work…
AND EATING holy carpe dieming it with food I am. Not a positive whatsoever, however, because I relapse to get my thin figure back and have body image issues up the yang! I have gotten to that yikes! stage of starting to look like a meth user and realized I’d gone too far (after I’d gotten sobered up) so I’m not aiming for a twig-like existence. I just know the weight I’m comfortable at but every time I start and stop using I’m throwing my metabolism for a loop and seem to gain more, quicker than the time I stopped prior. I eat the same dang things every time and drink the same crap in excess too. I know what not to eat and that is exactly what I eat when I’m coming down off of meth. And my energy drink consumption is out of control!! Not only am I gaining weight from crap food but I’m bloated to all get out from these damn NOS I’m chugging ALL DAY! Food sounds disgusting right now but that’s because I’ve got a nauseating head ache. IDEA!
While I am thinking of one I’m going to make a list of this weeks goals and I’ll put them in my goals section later. 1. Blog daily (every week) 2. Drink only 2 NOS per day (what I just though of) 3. Get paperwork (check docs “note to self” and get started on new plan) for Grayson for custody ((same as last week since not achieved)) 4. Research self-motivation techniques and practices. Blog ideas!
I feel better about life just having done that and even though I didn’t accomplish my goals from last week I’m not feeling less than because of it. I’ve been too tired to care about anything besides sleep and it may catch back up with me tomorrow so getting something done today! I set goals 😉 I’ve come up with some cool ideas in my “note to self” document made for brainstorming. I’ve blogged after 5 days of hiatus!!
If you haven’t yet try setting some easy goals for yourself for the remainder of the week, it feels delicious! THIS is where I found the best app for goal setting, task planning/setting/reminders, and brainstorming. It talks about aiding teams but works great solo, for me at least. Check it out, it makes organizing your to-do’s kind of fun!!
**Not advertising, no pay in this for me, just sharing cool stuff I’ve come across and found worthwhile**
Today would have been day 1 of my sobriety but I took Excedrin PM for my headache at work thinking it might make me a little sleepy but I’d be fine. Well probably exacerbated by not having slept last night I ended up being what I can only describe as a surreal high. I was in and out of reality and couldn’t carry on a conversation properly. I thought I was going to get fired!
Thankfully boss man reassured me that they are still looking to hire me in the near future and sent me home to get some rest.
He also accused me of being on drugs to which I only copped to the Excedrin PM and blamed lack of sleep the past couple days for any oddities he felt I had portrayed. It seemed really weird since I hadn’t noticed him out on the floor much yesterday. Maybe he was just checking since I was admittedly “high” from the Excedrin. I didn’t use any meth today but I am feeling some withdrawal symptoms and that may have contributed to the intensity of the diphenhydramine’s effect on me.
I am thinking of being honest with him about being in recovery after I get a little time sober and probably not until he hires me. So maybe never but I didn’t like making him feel bad for accusing me. I didn’t lie and I didn’t deny anything however I think he took my look of disbelief and tears coming to my eyes as such but I was still feeling fuzzy and thought I was getting fired so that was the cause of the tears. Worked out either way. Got off a couple hours early and gotta be back in at 6 am.
Recovery day -1: I didn’t intentionally get stoned/high but I’d rather start my sobriety off totally clean. That is a negative 1 but I guess it should be a zero anyway so oh well. Tomorrow is my first day of the rest of my life sober.
Trying out some of these different options. I have been screwing around on my blog all day and really all night too. I wrote my sKippingbackwarDs page and ended up cutting over half because I liked the top portion for that specified topic but what I cut branched into a new area of the same type of topic… I did copy it over to a draft (I didn’t think to do something so logical I copied it into my Nimbus Notes) well I kept it! Soon I’ll grace you with my advice, or promotion more so, on loving yourself. My life is pretty shit-mediocre-ish, no matter I enjoy the heck out of it, and I am happy and satisfied in it in big part because I have such a good relationship with myself and honest love and like of me. This format is driving me bonkers! Thank you, next.
Thank you for enduring my shenanigans and still continuing to read!!
I have done less than nothing today and thoroughly enjoyed myself. My only act that made a difference to someone else in the world today was picking up Alex, my boyfriend, from the mechanic where he took his car this morning. In doing so I was also dropping myself off and allowing him to use my car. Better yet, my car needed oil, a bath, and a good vacuuming and trash stop which he, being the amazing guy he is, agreed to doing all of. Also he is absolutely okay with my enjoying dicking off on my laptop all day. Shoot I should be decent and clean something huh?
This was all a setup and I failed my portion of the exam you never saw me
Will this work better? I guess I won’t be able to tell until I type a bit in this box it seems. It seems interesting that you are interested in what I may have to say on different topics. I appreciate you, every one of the two people who have come by to check me out. I wonder if that had been the case if I’d be sad. I’m doing this as a weird kind of therapy to keep me from making more unnecessary left turns in life. This should be enough.
I found this quote and it has me perplexed. I’ve been trying to simplify it in order to define its meaning. It seems really obvious but then doesn’t seem to add up.
Below I take the long way through my thinking and writing process to decipher this little gem.
Word for word substitutions: Existence/soul/survival is the creativity/mastery/ability of living/ensuing/enduring effectively/thoroughly/skillfully beguiled/deluded/fooled; and so that/so/that one may the duplicity/disinformation/guile can/be allowed/be permitted triumph/prosper/advance it has to/be obliged to/should be continual/perpetual/routine/typical and unbroken/successive/sustained.
Survival is the ability of enduring thoroughly fooled; and so that the disinformation can advance it has to be routine and sustained.
Existence is the creativity of living effectively beguiled; and that one may the duplicity be allowed triumph it should be perpetual and successive.
Soul is the mastery of ensuing skillfully deluded; and so the guile be permitted prosper it be obliged to be continual or typical and unbroken.
Breakdown through definitions: Living things and their activity is the expression of human creative skill and imagination of existence, being alive in a good or satisfactory way cause to believe something that is not true or give the mistaken impression or fail to admit to oneself that something is true; and so that the thing that deceives expressing possibility achieve the desired aim or result it be obliged to be done or doing constantly; regular; usual and without a break in the continuity.
Now I’m going to try some comprehension of the mess above: Given a little change
Our existence is the expression of reality aptly mislead; and so that this falsity disguised as truth can win approval it has to be repeatedly done and incessant. Inference/My takeaway Through our experiences we are painting our life’s great masterpiece depicted by our skewed view of reality and to continue enjoying life we have to maintain a unique, oblique perspective. Another idea without being so wordy Life portrays our stories as we have shaped them to be over time and with repetition to become our truths. This is quite enjoyable
My mind was stuck on lying boyfriend earlier Straightforward encompassing that deception In order to survive we must become easily fooled to avoid the pain of betrayal; if the deceiver cares they will be consistent and competent in their lies.
My day was tolerable. I’ve been experiencing high anxiety at night last night and tonight. First it was about my daughter not being here this weekend and has traversed to causing me frustration about my boyfriend’s dishonesty.
Really, if I’m being honest with both of us really honestly, I’m craving smoking the pizzzipe so I’m feeling a bit antsy about that as well. Since Aiden, my real ex husband, decided to keep Riley with them for the weekend it gave me an excuse that I nearly jumped at to just say “fuck it” and get high.
I will say that I think I should be allowed to get high so long as it is when I don’t have my girls as well as not being under the influence around them but on my own time I don’t think anyone has the right to tell me what to do. If it was negatively effecting my behavior I’d, of course, not partake but that not being an issue I do believe that people should have the right to choose if they want to imbibe drugs or alcohol. The only reason I got found out about my use was track marks being seen and then heroin was the only one found out. Day to day no one knew.
Whatever, not an option so don’t know why I felt the need to romanticize a negative decision that would really throw a wrench into my life right now anyway.
Language shaping thought is a new concept for me. As just a basic idea that the type of language a person utilizes within their life impacts their thoughts seems like a “duh” moment but I know there is a lot more diversity in meanings and interpretations of this short three-word sentence. Language shapes thought. I’m going to do more research into this and come back to this subject at a later date.
Going to go find a new quote possibly or a different idea entirely!!