My inner demon is holding me back from a lot right now and is really pissing me off but I’m struggling to overcome my fear of rejection. I’ve been rejected by the dude I’m with regularly for the last year and now he’s completely rejecting me and deciding to move out and be done with me in a few weeks time, probably…. more games and fuckery and I hate it and I should be the one getting the heck out of this “relationship” because I know that I deserve better – honestly ANY person deserves better than the mental and psychological manipulation and abuse I’ve been going through even a shitty person.. More importantly I finally found a career path I excel at and absolutely love and I have the bestest friend in the entire world who “helped” (I think I’d have had to contribute to classify it as such but to be real she completely wrote my resume and cover letter, beautifully I must say) me revamp my resume and taught me what a cover letter it!! but *dun dun dun* I’m so scared of being turned down I get sick every time I go to finalize the few details left on the resume and put in the application!!
And I know I have NO chance of getting the job if I don’t try. Trust, you me, I keep reminding myself of this even out loud to other people! I know I am capable and I know I can do the job and I will be able to bumble through an interview and the place I am at is referring me and recommending me but I’m frozen with fear. The DV charges (that were eventually dismissed) that dude brought on me to keep control of the “relationship” after he’d physically abused me and was more of the abuser in the first situation he called on and the second I was half asleep and the cops had him put my shoes on my feet and tie them (I’m sorry but my hundred pound 5′ tall behind can’t hurt a grown buff man who can choke me up against the wall using just his fingers!! and if I was some abuser WHY would they put him near my kickers!! lolol) and in both scenarios the police reports said he had not a single mark on him (I live in a state where if the cops are called for DV someone has to go to jail) BUT my point is that that could get me NOT hired when they run my background. I don’t want to find out I CAN’T work in the profession I finally found that is a fit for me!
I’m getting sleepy and apparently needed to type this out in order to get to this point because it is relieving. So thank you for listening [reading] and have, or are having, a very wonderful Tuesday!!
I may be homeless again here real soon and that will devastate my girls and me which makes me sick all day every day lately but as much as I want to curl in a ball and die I am pushing forward and know I’ll be stronger and better for whatever ends up happening.
Happiness is a choice and bygolly I am trying to choose it through and through… if it would just stay still for a minute maybe I could convince it to stay..
Lately, I have been planning (and failing to accomplish) small weekly goals and setting a task to achieve daily (blogging every day! I will get there) to feel myself progressing. While I have yet to reach any of my goals to their fulfillment making them has kept me motivated and constantly thinking creatively; the fact that I am continuing to pursue blogging is proof of that reserved determination. So, I figure, since I’m already so far ahead of the curve, I might as well get even more ambitious and set out a path – barebones rough outline to expand upon in time – to follow toward amy purpose. My logic is senseless and I do so enjoy it as such; it keeps my chaos a tad more organized.
What got me on the idea of sketching out an outline of my way from here to there, there being my intention, my plan, my best outcome, is the topic above being asked of us at treatment today. I got on a roll and it got me amped! I’m also all over the place in regards to my timeline’s synchronicity so that will balance out as our ideas mature along the journey. So here is the synopsis of what I set out to Get ‘er done!in the next 10 years. Remember! it is my first draft of my second first draft:
=_= first time in my life that I am setting long term goals and I’m writing them down 2x now! was scared of goals because they meant effort and the ability to fail. now i’m excited to keep on trying until I thrive. and not stop there. =_+
Where do I see myself in 1 year. 5 years. 10 years.?
+In 1 month I get my court case dismissed after completing two years of probation so for the next thirty days no shenanigans for sure I want those charges disappeared! +Over the next couple of months I’m going to be working my most workiest so that the company I’m temping for will hire me on full time (they’ve already brought it up as an idea – yeah they came to me so that rocked) or I’ll take part-time as an ACTUAL employee. +Within 3 months I’d like to have earned 100 followers to this blog I be’s a writing AND get my car all up to snuff serviced to be on point for the next while. **some ideas to get it so** –oil and filter change –replace spark plugs –replace any other filters and replenish fluids –brakes done –alignment aligned ((ideas are welcome I know exactly ^that^ much about what I need to do to maintain my car)) +By my daughter’s 8th birthday in August, about 4 months away, I will have worked with an attorney to have gotten my visits on track with Hope. -hopefully it will be every other weekend by then- +At 6 months I would like to have enough money saved up that I can feasibly put aside enough monthly to be in the position to live on my own. Not that I will but that I will be ABLE to. +A year from now I plan to be petitioning the courts for more time with my daughters – an extra afterschool overnight per week or every other, I’m thinking. +In 5 years time I will have both my girls full time again (as long as that is the choice they want still) and we’ll live in a one-story three bedroom home. The kids will share rooms with their respective sexes (if it’s still the 6 of us); the house will be big enough for comfort but cozy with affection. There is the likely possibility of a yard and one, or two, dogs. +Riley will be on her way out of the nest in just 6 years!+ +When I am 43 in TEN years I will have begun and succeeded in paying off my student loans and the credit card debt left to me from my exes. I will be debt free!
A few extras
In 5 years this – the hardships to endure in the aftermath of my addiction – will all be a distant memory.
Next few weeks ~ diet change :_: breakFast < protein shakes w.Collagen supplement / lunch < fruit smoothies w.Creatine and fat burner supplements / weaning off of NOS and adding in more water / dinner < meat size of my fist, two fistfulls of veggies, over rice
Over the following few months ~ eXercise regimen :_: one@ctivity every other day for 30 minutes ie. yoga, walking, jogging, swimming, etc.
As things continue to progress I want to eventually create my own website for my blog!
To get my “storage” rooms cleared out I will take ONE box fill it with junk to get rid of or donate and do so ONCE a week until complete.
So tAdA! I have more purpose.
“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” friedrich nietzsche
Apologies for my lack of posting for yet another sleepy-time week. I have just been overwhelmed with the desire to sleep or lay here doing nothing. So that is a huge issue to overcome – I have absolutely NO MOTIVATION to do ANYTHING! I barely did Easter. We had to put off decorating eggs until next week because they would be rotten by the time we went to hide them on Sunday (we boiled em Friday and then googled it before we started the decorating process) when my youngest will be here to celebrate. I made a basket for my mini me (Riley, 12) and got her some new flavored peeps which she was super excited, especially because she thought we’d only be celebrating next weekend. We spent the rest of Sunday watching Forensic Files and chatting about everything while she chatted with her besties online and drew some of her awesome characters she creates for her role playing she does with her friends. They are a creative little bunch and can do this role playing (making up stories with their characters) for hours!! So as expected my motivation is gone to do anything. I haven’t been able to open my laptop for 8 whole darn days because of it. I think about doing it and it sounds like a WHOLE LOT of effort and my brain is pretty hazy right now so my imagination and idea machine is kind of shut down. I really want to one day soon reach and continue my goal of blogging everyday. I think I need to just blog SOMETHING. I know I want to walk everyone through my getting sober process too so maybe it could help another addict going through it as well so I need to do better. I will. I’m feeling better today. I even did laundry. I was out of clothes and about to start pulling stuff to wear out of the hamper — EWWW! I didn’t! I got it done. But doing that motivated me to get on here. Hang in there with me guys I’m getting the hang of both blogging and sobriety (again). I’ll get even better with time 🙂
It coursing through my system just gives me a constant buzz of energy flowing throughout my body and engulfs me like a big fluffy comforter but for my whole being.
I’m not anxious. I’m not upset with anyone or anything in life. I don’t need my feelings appeased.
I feel fine.
That home feeling you get when you are wrapped in your blankets just right, especially when you’ve out-snoozed your alarm and have precious moments left in your cocoon – that! that is it, I feel like that when meth is in my system. It isn’t getting high, though, getting high is euphoria and hyperactivity, racing heart and intense focus, mind-alteration and I have no desire for any of that. It is just that first hit when the chemicals mix into the bloodstream COMFORT I feel is what I crave.
But I’m not uncomfortable and not not comfortable nor ill at ease. I feel fine. I don’t feel up or down I feel even.
I’m not craving the rush, that just makes me feel sick anymore. I don’t want the high or enjoy the feeling if I even get much of one. I think I only continue the binge because I have it at that point but I cannot wait to be out of it. Now whenever I relapse I overdo each smoke so it makes me feel sick so maybe that will be a deterrent. Then it’s just headaches and regret. I feel empty and then I sleep. I hate using. The idea of using is stomach turning.
I don’t feel lacking of happiness or feeling any more than I always do on my medications.
I get the urge to pick up for…nothing I don’t want to and there is no benefit in using for me.
In my 20s I had an alcoholic phase of about 6 months where I would drink six tall cans a night during shows before/during bed. The mere idea of giving up alcohol made me break out in a cold sweat; I needed the intoxication it was my safety blanket and vacation from reality, the buzz, the drunk, the high part. I was insecure stressed overwhelmed, I had some excuses for what I was escaping from my thoughts, my anxiety, my unhappiness. I can understand my trouble quitting that habit because I wanted the effects still. Admittedly I just kinda walked away from ever drinking again when I started using meth and heroin I just lost any desire. Thankfully that has rolled over into an aversion to alcohol after kicking the drugs.
To quit pain pills I went chasing the dragon instead. Replaced not recovered from.
Heroin I cut back using when Alex and I first got together and he asked me to and after a while felt it was pointless to pay to nod off. I’d gone full blown meth addict I needed the fast life not the lolling floatation through oblivion.
I don’t want meth. I don’t want the high. I don’t want the repercussions.
Once I start getting natural energy back after my weeklong plus hibernation period after the previous relapse and the last of the battery acid is leaving my body I get a strong pull to pick up. I realize in the past 5 months I’ve created the habit of one week on three weeks off with occasional three dayers so it is somewhat just breaking a habit but I can do that I’ve been shopping as an alternative.
That pull is still there for why? No benefit, no desire, completely unwanted actually. So why do I want to relapse? I really don’t want to but I do.
Last time I relapsed I have no idea why the idea popped in my head. I didn’t want to get high. I didn’t want to use. I had a full out-loud discussion as I drove around town picking up necessities to pick up/use about not wanting to, not having a reason to, feeling happy and satisfied sober. I didn’t even have an argument for why I was continuing my pursuit and of what I was pursuing I was at a loss. I cried like a bitch when I accepted that I wasn’t going to wait a day, a fucking day! to relapse so I could take a clean UA that I needed for custody stuff with Hope, a fucking day. I felt like a fool, I was being a fool on a fool’s errand making foolish choices.
I took that first hit in the parking lot I met my guy in, it was urgent feeling and I still didn’t know what for. And I felt that buzz as the chemicals mingled with my bloodstream and that was it. I’d replaced what my body was apparently lacking. That home feeling, I have finally realized, is my body’s physical addiction to methamphetamine being fulfilled. I feel present, no not present, not mental but complete or whole, normal.
So now I figured out the what and the why of this seeming compulsion that I couldn’t mentally overcome: I’ve gone and gotten myself physically dependent on methamphetamine by continuing to relapse the past 5 months away. It is a different can of worms it seems because it is a driving force that I don’t have the correct weaponry to battle let alone overcome. Been here before and will get through it this time around too.
I’m struggling right now on sheer will and so thankful that Riley is over for the weekend so that takes away my ability to pick up.
Off to figure out putting the kibosh on cravings from physical dependence.
I feel like a shell of me, empty, or missing a component. Wonder if I’m not getting the flu after all.
self control is strength
right thought is mastery
calmness is power
peace be still