Forcing myself to spend time awake and involved in my day.
My body craving sleep and pulling me toward hibernation.
I fight it.
Day 2 I felt fine for most, worked an extra 3 hours and only fell out toward the end. Just my friendly coworker noticed and brought me back to focus without consequence. Thankful. Grateful. Stayed awake the rest of the day hit NA and fought with my internet. Finally giving in to the desperate hold of sleep when Alex pulled me in for a hug that I kept embracing until morning rung.
Day 3 only a 3 hour workday (they asked for extra, I couldn’t give) sick to my stomach, just an ache that wouldn’t amount to releasing anything but threatened insistently. My head burst intermittently when I moved just so, and just so was not consistent to any one movement it was just so. Boss bought breakfast thought I wouldn’t, then I did and so worth it. I hadn’t eaten in days probably a big cause of my haze. Thankful. Grateful. Full. Got home and gave in, let sleep win. Overcome with comfortable ease of nothing I didn’t make NA, skipped treatment too, called in and said I had the flu. Fever! don’t make us sick, yeah I’m not slick she knew I wasn’t. Got my ass up to go see my girl sing in her school choir performance. Spent the whole time searching the sea of young little faces and none belonged to me. Listened and waited and left with confusion, tried her dad’s phone to no resolution. Later she called and we figured it out – she’d been standing too low for my shortness to account. Moral being that I’m glad I’m kicking my own ass out of hibernation and not letting life just pass. Cause even though we didn’t see one another she was just overjoyed that I’d been there to support her. These moments we can’t get back and of which I’ve missed too many.
I’m interrupting this cycle and taking away my excuses, its taking real effort and not even about using. I only have a tiny smidge of craving that gets stamped out with thoughts I’m reframing. None of this is meant to be a complaint or a whine – just putting my experience out there so anyone in need can see it is hard as hell but we can be set free.
Today is the day
To make a change
To take a chance
To leap with faith
To keep my mind safe
To ask for help
To task my.self
Allay all doubt today
They said it works.
I read it works.
I tried my way.
They provide my way.
Nothing to lose
Unless I choose
Again to use
And induce self-abuse
I’m doing recovery for keeps NOW.
Will I stay clean?
According to them [N.A./A.A. people] so long as I’m working my program I will succeed
Almost finished with my step 1
So thankful for the welcoming fellowship in both of the programs [N.A./A.A.] and I am greatly enjoying meetings.
Attending NA & AA daily if work allows
Actively searching for a sponsor
[the woman I asked today has all the sponsees she can handle but said I can call anytime]
Working the steps and doing the work with N.A. Step Working Guides
Maybe not this time.
Hell with the roll I’ve been on probably nothing to be worried about, right.
Of course I’m the chosen one and that means I’m bullet proof.
Which is the belief of every person that goes back out.
Not gonna happen to me. I KNOW what I’m doing.
I’m safe – I don’t use heroin anymore, I smoke meth.
No one OD’s smoking meth, you fall asleep before being able to.
I’m not shooting it when I relapse, THAT would be scary.
“If it is on the internet then it must be true,” Abraham Lincoln.
I got my information from what I’d been told by other users and my internet “research” but when I took another look without trying to get the answer I wanted to hear I found a much darker reality:
In 2017 over 10,000 overdose deaths occurred from the use of Psychostimulants (most common being methamphetamine) and while, yes many of these OD deaths also included an Opioid involvement, over 5,000 of the 10,000+ were caused solely by Psychostimulants.
I don’t know how to produce my drug of choice or my drug of second choice.
Even if I did I wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly what was in what I’d be picking up to use.
I play Russian Roulette with my sanity and mental acuity every time I take a hit.
And say I were to get a batch that amps my system up higher and faster than the “usual,” which I’ve experienced, I could cause my heart to explode.
Methamphetamine overdoses cause heart attacks, strokes and comas and frequently psychosis with or without the physical ailments.
I know this and I still convince myself that it wouldn’t happen to me.
Especially because it has happened to me, and I barely made it back.
We convince ourselves that the people who OD and/or die from drug abuse fucked up, it was their own fault, and we know better. But we’re still using, so apparently we don’t.
OD on Me.
oops… my bad
So my scariest overdose, yes there is more than one to choose from, during my stint using heroin I didn’t even experience. When you use heroin the idea is to get high right? You’re pushing yourself to the brink of overdose every time you shoot the poison into your veins.
I don’t care how attune you are to your use, how well you know your amounts, your tolerance, any measurement you use regularly could be your last if the chemicals react wrong that time.
For me I simply used too much of something stronger than I was used to.
It was the first time I was shooting up without the guy that had introduced me to this devil dance setting up my amount but I had his best friend doing the honors and we went with less than what my usual dose was. I was so excited for oblivion, I didn’t think twice before fully expending the entirety of my rig into my bloodstream.
Immediately I felt the warm embrace of my dark mistress and the intensity continued to rise until I lost the ability to speak, or move, my eyes wouldn’t stay open. I was free floating in the blackest of black engulfing whatever was left of my being, I’d lost all connection to my body and while I desperately wanted to find where it had gone the soothing blackness was lulling me deeper into the abyss. I felt an aching fear that I was lost and not in control of me, of where I was or was going. I have been blown (incredibly, intensely high where you have to keep hold of something inside of you to bring you back to reality eventually) out of my mind numerous times when I thought I’d lost my grip but this time there had not been anything to hold on to.
For what felt like an eternity I floated in the nothingness that the enticing blackness had become. I knew I needed to find my something to hold onto to get back. Back to.. my girls a snippet of what felt like thought and then nothing. No tether. “My girls” meant less and less to whatever processing I was clinging to. I felt nothing at all.
Almost fully succumbed to whatever total enmeshment that felt less and less when everything turned white and spun so fast if I’d had a stomach still I would have been sick for sure. I feel something with my being, almost like something slipping through my fingers. The enormity of emotions I experienced realizing I’d found my connection, my hold onto to get back intangible way back.
While I felt so close to what I was yearning for by instinct my thoughts and feelings swirled in some mush that felt muddied and indistinct.
I desperately wanted to make sense of the murky swirls and an overwhelming sense of dread overtook all of my focus.
Noise! Just realizing that it had been more than silent during my experience the incomprehensible moaning got faster, frantic. I was feeling the sound more than hearing it and the cloudy froth was in all of my senses.
As though I’d been snapped into place, a searing burn erupted in my lungs and I physically felt all my extremities go from numb to pins and needles in a wave. It was as though my whole body was experiencing the sensation of “waking up” like if my foot had fallen asleep. It was the best worst sensation to be able to be reconnected with my body but the pins and needles phenomenon intensifying in all the wrong places.
My lung was still inflamed and I felt like I had the worst heartburn bubbling up and roiling making bile sear my throat as I painfully swallowed gulps of air that intensified the burning in my chest. It was excruciating and uncomfortable but my eyes opening and seeing shapes and fuzz and knowing that I was real and whole again dulled my pain as my senses were flooded with circuitry.
Slowly I began to comprehend what was going on around me. My head lolled half in, half out of the passenger window of my car as the wind whipped by. The pain in my body was again numbed but this time it was because I was so cold, shaking, shivering, and soaking wet with ice cold water.
The car jerked and whipped my head and neck to have a view of the driver’s side of the, apparently speeding, Honda Civic. We hit another jaunt in the road and I found out I was not seat-belted in as flew forward in my seat coming to rest sideways on the floor.
“Oh shit, Lyric, you’re back!” Josh whooped as he jerked the car around the cul-de-sac pulling into Colby’s driveway. I didn’t have any recollection of having left the bedroom.
Come to find out I immediately slumped over and stopped breathing after I stopped being able to speak. Instead of calling an ambulance Colby and Josh carried my unconscious, not breathing body out to the car and propped me up against it. Then they proceeded to drench me with the hose in 30 degree weather. I .. don’t know, why. I think the idea was to shock my system into forcing me to breathe. The explanation as to why no ambulance was called and why I was hurdled off property was also never articulated.
After the hose down Josh says he thought I was breathing but he couldn’t totally tell and he had to take me away from the house so he loaded me into the passenger seat and hoped the wind in my face would help me…possibly breathe or come to? I don’t think Josh had a clue what he was going for but panic set in for him when I started turning a bluish white in the face. I think he probably disagreed with his earlier assessment that the hose had gotten me breathing again.
So that is why he was whipping my car around the neighborhood all jerkily – to try to jolt me awake or breathing or … pretty much he was expecting me to die and had no clue what to do.
I was cold and couldn’t shake the cobwebs from my brain.
“That might’ve been too much for me,” I chuckled at a mortified looking Josh.
“It was way stronger than we expected and when I went to stop you from doing the whole thing I was too late and you stopped breathing.”
I knew to always test the waters before doing the entire shot. I knew that. I just didn’t that time. I always made sure. Except that time I didn’t.
Yeah I know I was warning of methamphetamine overdoses and this was a heroin OD but I got vivid flash backs and had to share, I remember the experience like it just happened, clearer now it seems.
This was my worst overdose and I’d love to say that I got scared, I took better precaution (wouldn’t make a difference anyway), I quit or at least slowed down, but it may as well have not occurred with the way I did nothing to prevent it happening again.
Broke my bRain, goed iNsaNe
yet I still dabbLe in that methamphetamine…
“Jesus was calling me, telling me to rid myself of all things but me.”
“Did he say no clothes though … or was that maybe a little of your own interpretation?”
“You’re such an asshole.”
“It really made all sorts of sense in the moment.”
“So you started dropping stuff all the way at the other end and at random all along the way?”
“I don’t like to make things easy, do I?”
….to be continued…
Daily Reflection May 22
“We…” (the first word of the first step)
TWELVE STEPS & TWELVE TRADITIONS PG. 21
When I was drinking all I could ever think about was “I, I, I” or “Me, Me, Me.”
Such painful obsession of self, such soul sickness, such spiritual selfishness bound me to the bottle for more than half my life.
The journey to find God and to do His will one day at a time began with the first word of the First Step …. “We.”
There was power in numbers, there was strength in numbers, there was safety in numbers, there was life in numbers.
If I had tried to recover alone I probably would have died.
With God and another alcoholic, I have divine purpose in my life… I have become a channel for God’s healing love.
– – – Angela – – –
…hate sharing first. Like sharing later but its so quiet….
I came alone, I stayed alone cause I didn’t reach out and didn’t want anyone reaching out for me… I didn’t know you.
When I came in it was just still me. So I got a sponsor who took me through the book.
I do my recovery, I’m real selfish and take my recovery personal.
The we part is coming to the rooms of alcoholics anonymous and here we are not alone. Step one : “Every natural extinct cries out … 12 steps” the bedrock on which purposeful lives can be built.
We part. Growth and freed me. Allowed me to be me.
I wasn’t that stern as I believed myself to be but I crumbled coming into the rooms.
On the streets I was alone.
Teddy bear I was came out.
Being able to transmit what I’ve been through. Didn’t do that by myself.
Made possible – its a we thing.
WE ADMITTED WE’RE POWERLESS!
Follow some simple directions.
Never made it to see the wizard.
Freedom. Patience. Peace of mind.
Guess I’m dorothy.
Together we stay sober .. alone we get drunk or high.
I have to have some me, we friends, hot and cold. Happy and sad. I’ve got to have it all.
If I’ve never been down I don’t know what it’s like to be up.
I know what it’s like to be down… poor me poor me buy me another drink.
But, now I can get out the water when I want to.
List of blessings…the good stuff.
A lesson or a blessing.
I gotta go through what I gotta go through to get where I need to go.
We do this together.
If you want to join me come on…
if you don’t I’m not gonna chase you.
Attraction not promotion.
IF you’re in the solution send a message of hope to the hopeless.
This disease makes you tell lies to yourself.
Locked up in your head, in your thoughts.
Don’t have to go to prison – locked in your thoughts.
Addiction will dance on your coffin.
Man called 2 am bout to kill himself and you can’t answer yo phone.
Put on the uniform but if you never get in the game you can score a touchdown.
I’m truly blessed. I’ve been truly overpaid if I were to die today.
I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna walk you through this. You need another individual who has walked down the path to walk you down that path. Somebody will take you down that path.
It is such a joy to humble yourself and be teachable.
Come here to learn how to stay sober
and carry that message on to the next alcoholic who is willing to listen.
Tried to outsmart the disease and now they’re dead.
I’m able to do what I want to do today because I’m sober.
Just stay sober one day one minute at a time.
Put one foot in front of the other and move forward.
We together stay sober. Get in the middle of the tribe. Get up front. Don’t wait. Its not coming to knock. Paid on your actions not on your intentions.
If I go out and use today it isn’t the program not working its because I decided not to use the program.
If I take a drink today there’s gonna be a yard sale tomorrow and half the shit aint gonna be mine.
Victim to the disease
i couldn’t do this alone and i tried so many times and don’t know how many times I failed.
Got to aa found out i couldn’t do this alone.
We, made sense.
I didn’t talk for a day or two or a year. 6.
Sometimes I just listen.
Read the stories and understand the Big Book.
We together solve each others problems or at least give suggestions.
We can survive another day of sobriety if WE want.
Write down what is going to make you use: Go and do it because it is going to happen. Have you found your yet, yet?
By being a group of ppl who understand each other. Ppl who haven’t been in addiction don’t understand.
I have been known to be wrong haha.
Gotta do the work and it’s free.
We wasn’t never meant to be alone.
If in some way you come here and don’t see AA materializing in your life on a daily basis you’re doing something wrong.
Phobia of other ppls dogs. Coming at me all aggressive. Asked the Missus to put him up. She swore and called me an idiot. Didn’t respond didn’t escalate. Just left.
You get to see these little things.
If you’re not helping you’re hindering.
We is a group.
I come here to learn. To get through my day.
Can’t live yesterday over again. Can’t live tomorrow cause it never comes so I’ve got to live in here today.
Sometimes, somewhere in your life something gotta click.
I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed but I can cut ya.
Stopping and starting day over again.
I have to live for me but have other people in my life.
I can’t walk a straight and narrow but I’m not Jesus, I make mistakes.
Keep my feet planted moving forward.
Hope to never go backward but have people in case yet happens.
Nip shit in the bud.
Aint fittin to hit you in the head with a bottle today, I’m going the other way.
Anger is a big part of I fell down. YOU MADE ME DO IT. Umm nope.
Excuses excuses excuses.
I woke up this morning but I didn’t do it myself.
A day late and I brought four quarters!
So just enough and in the nick of time…
…for today and all we’ve got is now
peace, love, happy thoughts, and good vibes
NA . Meeting One
Who’s an addict?
What is the NA program?
Why are we here?
How it works (the stEPS)
We do recover.
- Living Clean. 1983
- more will be revealed
- we grow as individuals & as a fellowship
- sharing, caring, & service
- face life on its own terms without drugs
- practice principles in life
- impact of our recovery on our own lives and others
- giving, living, loving more
- we can find hope even when our lives are very difficult
- different moments teach us, reach us, or help us breakthrough
- collection of experience, strength, and hope
**Most important thing about living clean is that we’re ALIVE to do it.**
***Miracle of getting clean is not the last that we’ll experience.***
**We are living clean and every day the journey continues.**
Deon: service position? but am i honestly available? don’t want to overwhelm myself. never thought i could put on a jersey again. grateful for the opportunity.
going through it. this morning saw a video on facebook of 3 chicks doing meth. body just reacted to it. had an anxiety attack. called a “close mouth friend” for an ear.
feelings are temporary. you just have to let them pass. but that means you have to LET THEM PASS.
preparing for Dad to not be around anymore, he’s ill and getting his affairs in order in preparation for the end. i have to show him i’m ready to be on my own so he isn’t worried.
just for today clean – lean on people to keep me clean.
^Lee^ :: mom passed a couple years back. still painful.
my addict – “King Kong on Steroids” telling me to “do this, use
that, to avoid the pain.
15 years in August.
streets out there don’t give a fuck about you.
there is work to be done IN HERE.
addiction doesn’t care it just wants to destroy you.
By being at a meeting, as addicts, we’re doing something against the grain.
go back out misery refunded 154%.
today is not a good day to die.
2 years off coke. 1 year off meth.
Speaking up for prayers for a guy in need on
bus who got beat up and was having seizures.
first got to the rooms was super prego and scared
weird to think b/c this place isn’t scary – out there is scary
all I could do was be here and listen, was speechless
chaired – everyone focused on me — self obsession
panic attack, overwhelmed
not about Me, about US
the meetings aren’t just HERE, this is a well-oiled machine
clean a building – get to get out of my head and sweat – keep from gaining cause “I eat!”
been only coming to a meeting when I chair
which is not enough
I feel lacking
sharing brought me out of my shell
that’s the 360
service positions kept him clean
get in there and get it – see the difference in your life & changes
friends from active use came in and got clean too
even some people who’ve gone back out have come back
what this program has to offer is AWESOME!
if you’re struggling – NOT worth picking up
“Hang out – get in someone’s back pocket”
b/c of these rooms … 4 months 1 day (19 yrs after 1st try to get clean)
gotta be the father my son needs (mom died in accident)
went into inpatient of own accord
son didn’t need/want stuff – needed Dad!
“being a father is brand-new to me” raised daughter in addiction
IF I DON’T DO IT FOR MYSESLF I’M NOT GOING TO DO IT FOR NOBODY ELSE.
felt like a DIRTbag but feel human again now being clean
son fills my heart – love myself again
routine::morning affirmation. picks up son out of bed and stands him up.
Neither here nor there – immaterial things
Love myself so I can love my son and my family again.
used to “sleep” out in back of meeting room/at mcdonald’s
knows the homeless community, had been part of their community
HAVING Motivation to keep striving to stay clean
Motivated by gratitude list
living smarter, wiser, cleaner
Not going to forget where I came from or where I’ve been (ie homeless community)
Humble self – not going to forget
@NA we give back & run things from within
Stick and Stay
Don’t quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens
Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another—the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death.
NA is a nonprofit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovering addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean. This is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs. There is only one requirement for membership, the desire to stop using. We suggest that you keep an open mind and give yourself a break. Our program is a set of principles written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives. The most important thing about them is that they work.
There are no strings attached to NA. We are not affiliated with any other organizations. We have no initiation fees or dues, no pledges to sign, no promises to make to anyone. We are not connected with any political, religious, or law enforcement groups, and are under no surveillance at any time. Anyone may join us, regardless of age, race, sexual identity, creed, religion, or lack of religion.
We are not interested in what or how much you used or who your connections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help. The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away. We have learned from our group experience that those who keep coming to our meetings regularly stay clean.
Before coming to the Fellowship of NA, we could not manage our own lives. We could not live and enjoy life as other people do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in drugs. We placed their use ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have drugs at all costs. We did many people great harm, but most of all we harmed ourselves. Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities we were actually creating our own problems. We seemed to be incapable of facing life on its own terms.
Most of us realized that in our addiction we were slowly committing suicide, but addiction is such a cunning enemy of life that we had lost the power to do anything about it. Many of us ended up in jail, or sought help through medicine, religion, and psychiatry. None of these methods was sufficient for us. Our disease always resurfaced or continued to progress until, in desperation, we sought help from each other in Narcotics Anonymous.
After coming to NA we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible.
If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the effort to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the principles that made our recovery possible.
1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
This sounds like a big order, and we can’t do it all at once. We didn’t become addicted in one day, so remember—easy does it.
There is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery; this is an attitude of indifference or intolerance toward spiritual principles. Three of these that are indispensable are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. With these we are well on our way.
We feel that our approach to the disease of addiction is completely realistic, for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. We feel that our way is practical, for one addict can best understand and help another addict. We believe that the sooner we face our problems within our society, in everyday living, just that much faster do we become acceptable, responsible, and productive members of that society.
The only way to keep from returning to active addiction is not to take that first drug. If you are like us you know that one is too many and a thousand never enough. We put great emphasis on this, for we know that when we use drugs in any form, or substitute one for another, we release our addiction all over again.
Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse. Before we came to NA, many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover.
We keep what we have only with vigilance, and just as freedom for the individual comes from the Twelve Steps, so freedom for the group springs from our traditions.
As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well.
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on NA unity.
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
3. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.
4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or NA as a whole.
5. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.
6. An NA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the NA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
7. Every NA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
8. Narcotics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
9. NA, as such, ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the NA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
Symptoms of a spiritual awakening
“The steps lead to an awakening of a spiritual nature. This awakening is evidenced by changes in our lives.”
Basic Text, p. 49
We know how to recognize the disease of addiction. Its symptoms are indisputable. Besides an uncontrollable appetite for drugs, those suffering exhibit self-centered, self-seeking behavior. When our addiction was at its peak of activity, we were obviously in a great deal of pain. We relentlessly judged ourselves and others, and spent most of our time worrying or trying to control outcomes.
Just as the disease of addiction is evidenced by definite symptoms, so is a spiritual awakening made manifest by certain obvious signs in a recovering addict. We may observe a tendency to think and act spontaneously, a loss of interest in judging or interpreting the actions of anyone else, an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment, and frequent attacks of smiling.
If we see someone exhibiting symptoms of a spiritual awakening, we should be aware that such awakenings are contagious. Our best course of action is to get close to these people. As we begin having frequent, overwhelming episodes of gratitude, an increased receptiveness to the love extended by our fellow members, and an uncontrollable urge to return this love, we’ll realize that we, too, have had a spiritual awakening.
Just for today: My strongest desire is to have a spiritual awakening. I will watch for its symptoms and rejoice when I discover them.
We do recover.
Loving this word: Perspicacity
a penetrating discernment —a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight.
Perspicacityis an abstract noun describing a certain capacity of a certain capability.
(Such an awesome sentence that leaves you wanting more!)
I’ve fallen in LOVE
I’ve fallen in LOVE
True love I swear it be
With my new recovery
So I have been an avid Alcoholics Anonymous follower, when I’m avidly following some idea of a recovery program. BUT NOW I want to shout it from the rooftops that I havr finally found where I belong!! NA is eye opening; people out there understand me. I’ve been working on Step 1 questions from the program’s original step working guide and it made me read the NA book to answer a question so I started scanning for the answer and words started catching my eye. I knew I wasn’t going to get a good answer only half-assing my 101 page reading assignment and I was interested so I started at the first page and fell in love!! If I wasn’t seeing stars from being so tired after working my 2 am shift I’d still be reading it but I stopped at step 2 because I don’t want to read ahead and overwhelm myself. I may do so anyway after I nap.
The language and voice in the NA book is so different from that of the Big Book. I felt like I was chatting with someone my age with tattoos telling me about this exclusive “get clean for real this time” offer they’ve got going on. I know it isn’t especial for me, right? It sure seemed like it was while reading. I feel this program is exactly what my attempts at getting clean have been missing.
I wasn’t a fan of the longer meetings and the crowd where I went to a couple times I tried it was a bit rough. Hell, I need to put the extra time into my recovery and who am I to judge anyone?! Things are coming together.
Also, in no way am I dogging AA, the steps are exactly the same and the program is similar and I felt at home at my homegroup. I’m so darned excited to get a sponsor in NA. To talk to people about the struggles of methamphetamine withdrawal, specifically. It is so rad – the NA book has a chapter on Recovery and Relapse. I always wondered why relapse was so hush hush in AA, it seemed like to do so was to insult the group or at least specific people. I’m even planning on sharing and I never share at AA.
Okay nap time!! I’ll leave you with some NA wisdom: