And these are the kinds of things I tell myself so that I do.
My life sucks. I’m still happily me.
I’m a hot mess, my life is upside-down due to things out of my control, but I am happy and back on track in keeping my thinking positive and productive! Learning to love myself and taking back responsibility and control over my thoughts, feelings, and actions has brought about so much personal and spiritual growth for me. For the longest time I was happy in my situation in life but not happy with myself. I had so many insecurities and always felt I needed someone to validate my worth. I swore, even to myself, I was happy with myself and I did like myself enough but I didn’t love myself and I was so hard on myself constantly. It was overwhelming and a lot of what led to getting started in addiction for me. *Put a pin in that for a later date when I have more time.* Flip the script and, I’d give anything, even my happiness (I know I still haven’t totally learned) to have my girls with me, but I am a much happier person and am able to really enjoy life now. So, when things get back to how they should be it’ll be that much better. Which, makes me excited for the work in my recovery to get there. I feel good and I think I’m going to choose to keep thinking this way!
I'm tired. I didn't get hired. Got a new job. It starts at 2:15 in the am. Glad to have a job. Sad that it is the worst shift. Still sober. Trying hard.
It is difficult to stay sober. I have no energy and getting high I have an abundance of energy, while I’m high but the aftermath is so much sleep and being unmotivated. I’ve decided I need to give some spirituality a chance, say hi and thank you to God more often. I know it gave me a lot of energy and desire to do things the time I got clean and stayed clean for a year and a month. It was so easy then and I don’t get why it is so hard this time around. I think that making it through a month will bring about change in my motivation a bit as well as chatting with God. One can hope! I’ve got lots of wisdom in how to stay sober and I’m not using the essentials. I need to go to meetings. I need to wake up and do some things productive; I did so today and I feel a bit better than yesterday. I need to be honest, this lying my way to graduating from treatment is starting to catch up with me. For now I’m taking it one day at a time. It is what I can and am doing right now. Staying clean for the minutes as they come. Staying up on my blog is something I want to get better about as I get out of this funk-if I get out of this funk, I never know if its withdrawals or my medications…or both is probably the case. Happiness, motivation, and energy – that is all I want! I’m way past my bedtime but struggling to sleep because I slept too much during the day. Go figure, when I need to sleep I can’t!! Haha. Such is life.
Lately, I have been planning (and failing to accomplish) small weekly goals and setting a task to achieve daily (blogging every day! I will get there) to feel myself progressing. While I have yet to reach any of my goals to their fulfillment making them has kept me motivated and constantly thinking creatively; the fact that I am continuing to pursue blogging is proof of that reserved determination. So, I figure, since I’m already so far ahead of the curve, I might as well get even more ambitious and set out a path – barebones rough outline to expand upon in time – to follow toward amy purpose. My logic is senseless and I do so enjoy it as such; it keeps my chaos a tad more organized.
What got me on the idea of sketching out an outline of my way from here to there, there being my intention, my plan, my best outcome, is the topic above being asked of us at treatment today. I got on a roll and it got me amped! I’m also all over the place in regards to my timeline’s synchronicity so that will balance out as our ideas mature along the journey. So here is the synopsis of what I set out to Get ‘er done!in the next 10 years. Remember! it is my first draft of my second first draft:
=_= first time in my life that I am setting long term goals and I’m writing them down 2x now! was scared of goals because they meant effort and the ability to fail. now i’m excited to keep on trying until I thrive. and not stop there. =_+
Where do I see myself in 1 year. 5 years. 10 years.?
+In 1 month I get my court case dismissed after completing two years of probation so for the next thirty days no shenanigans for sure I want those charges disappeared! +Over the next couple of months I’m going to be working my most workiest so that the company I’m temping for will hire me on full time (they’ve already brought it up as an idea – yeah they came to me so that rocked) or I’ll take part-time as an ACTUAL employee. +Within 3 months I’d like to have earned 100 followers to this blog I be’s a writing AND get my car all up to snuff serviced to be on point for the next while. **some ideas to get it so** –oil and filter change –replace spark plugs –replace any other filters and replenish fluids –brakes done –alignment aligned ((ideas are welcome I know exactly ^that^ much about what I need to do to maintain my car)) +By my daughter’s 8th birthday in August, about 4 months away, I will have worked with an attorney to have gotten my visits on track with Hope. -hopefully it will be every other weekend by then- +At 6 months I would like to have enough money saved up that I can feasibly put aside enough monthly to be in the position to live on my own. Not that I will but that I will be ABLE to. +A year from now I plan to be petitioning the courts for more time with my daughters – an extra afterschool overnight per week or every other, I’m thinking. +In 5 years time I will have both my girls full time again (as long as that is the choice they want still) and we’ll live in a one-story three bedroom home. The kids will share rooms with their respective sexes (if it’s still the 6 of us); the house will be big enough for comfort but cozy with affection. There is the likely possibility of a yard and one, or two, dogs. +Riley will be on her way out of the nest in just 6 years!+ +When I am 43 in TEN years I will have begun and succeeded in paying off my student loans and the credit card debt left to me from my exes. I will be debt free!
A few extras
In 5 years this – the hardships to endure in the aftermath of my addiction – will all be a distant memory.
Next few weeks ~ diet change :_: breakFast < protein shakes w.Collagen supplement / lunch < fruit smoothies w.Creatine and fat burner supplements / weaning off of NOS and adding in more water / dinner < meat size of my fist, two fistfulls of veggies, over rice
Over the following few months ~ eXercise regimen :_: one@ctivity every other day for 30 minutes ie. yoga, walking, jogging, swimming, etc.
As things continue to progress I want to eventually create my own website for my blog!
To get my “storage” rooms cleared out I will take ONE box fill it with junk to get rid of or donate and do so ONCE a week until complete.
So tAdA! I have more purpose.
“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” friedrich nietzsche
Apologies for my lack of posting for yet another sleepy-time week. I have just been overwhelmed with the desire to sleep or lay here doing nothing. So that is a huge issue to overcome – I have absolutely NO MOTIVATION to do ANYTHING! I barely did Easter. We had to put off decorating eggs until next week because they would be rotten by the time we went to hide them on Sunday (we boiled em Friday and then googled it before we started the decorating process) when my youngest will be here to celebrate. I made a basket for my mini me (Riley, 12) and got her some new flavored peeps which she was super excited, especially because she thought we’d only be celebrating next weekend. We spent the rest of Sunday watching Forensic Files and chatting about everything while she chatted with her besties online and drew some of her awesome characters she creates for her role playing she does with her friends. They are a creative little bunch and can do this role playing (making up stories with their characters) for hours!! So as expected my motivation is gone to do anything. I haven’t been able to open my laptop for 8 whole darn days because of it. I think about doing it and it sounds like a WHOLE LOT of effort and my brain is pretty hazy right now so my imagination and idea machine is kind of shut down. I really want to one day soon reach and continue my goal of blogging everyday. I think I need to just blog SOMETHING. I know I want to walk everyone through my getting sober process too so maybe it could help another addict going through it as well so I need to do better. I will. I’m feeling better today. I even did laundry. I was out of clothes and about to start pulling stuff to wear out of the hamper — EWWW! I didn’t! I got it done. But doing that motivated me to get on here. Hang in there with me guys I’m getting the hang of both blogging and sobriety (again). I’ll get even better with time 🙂