Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.nine – craving change

I feel trapped.
It is like I know the right things to do but the wrong thing keeps pulling me back in.
I’ve been addicted to something since I was 15 and started smoking cigarettes and weed.
Then it was alcohol.
Then it was pain medication, prescribed (haha then not prescribed if I ran out).
Then it was a giant leap into heroin.
And meth.
I beat all the other addictions.
I feel unmotivated.
The longest I’ve been sober is one year and one month in 18 years.
I was on fire!
I loved life clean.
Since I couldn’t handle my emotions I turned back to my old pal meth.
For years it had obliterated all pain for me.
It was accessible and I knew it would numb the madness.
I backslid on my medications, too.
I feel incomplete.
8 months of a back and forth game.
I’m ready for it to stop.
I’m working on it one day at a time, or hour, or moment.
But it’s calling my name.
It’s driving me insane.
I’m grieving my addiction as I fight to stay clean.
My addiction got me through the hardest parts of my life.
They are still ongoing and it’s difficult to face them.
I feel overwhelmed.
No one said it would be easy.
Actually everyone said it would be hard.
I’ve accepted my horrid mistake to start using again.
Finally, no more guilt or blame or anger or shame.
So that is helping.
I got through losing a job the day after getting clean.
I’m working a crazy schedule and I’m doing it!
I feel hopeful.

Image by pict rider

Working through my issues one step at a time.
pic by nali

Here we are, trapped in the amber of moment. There is no why.

Kurt Vonnegut

Have a great day filled with happiness!

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.eight – …

I'm tired.
I didn't get hired.
Got a new job.
It starts at 2:15 in the am.
Glad to have a job.
Sad that it is the worst shift.
Still sober.
Trying hard.

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

Andy Warhol

It is difficult to stay sober. I have no energy and getting high I have an abundance of energy, while I’m high but the aftermath is so much sleep and being unmotivated. I’ve decided I need to give some spirituality a chance, say hi and thank you to God more often. I know it gave me a lot of energy and desire to do things the time I got clean and stayed clean for a year and a month. It was so easy then and I don’t get why it is so hard this time around. I think that making it through a month will bring about change in my motivation a bit as well as chatting with God. One can hope!
I’ve got lots of wisdom in how to stay sober and I’m not using the essentials. I need to go to meetings. I need to wake up and do some things productive; I did so today and I feel a bit better than yesterday. I need to be honest, this lying my way to graduating from treatment is starting to catch up with me. For now I’m taking it one day at a time. It is what I can and am doing right now. Staying clean for the minutes as they come. Staying up on my blog is something I want to get better about as I get out of this funk-if I get out of this funk, I never know if its withdrawals or my medications…or both is probably the case.
Happiness, motivation, and energy – that is all I want!
I’m way past my bedtime but struggling to sleep because I slept too much during the day. Go figure, when I need to sleep I can’t!! Haha. Such is life.

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, reblog, recovery

reblog: I Grieve For My Madness — Emma Scarr


I grieve for my Madness Now it’s so calm and still Everything’s so dull compared to When I was ill…

I Grieve For My Madness — Emma Scarr

There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar levant

I was diagnosed schizophrenic and bipolar 1, combined creating my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I have used drugs to self medicate when I was not fully diagnosed and unable to continue getting the medications I had been on for years. The last time I got sober I had a few psychotic episodes that ended me up in a psychiatric ward for a couple weeks once and a months time the next. Then I got started on a hefty dose of medications. Emma’s poem puts into words perfectly what I’m struggling with staying on my medication and in sobriety. Life is different and my personality is very neutral, I lose my emotions and it takes enormous effort to feel for, toward, about anything. I’ve been told that maybe I should reduce my medications but they’re set to keep my symptoms at bay and less creates more symptoms. I honestly don’t mind most of them, enjoy some even, but I become misunderstood and too much for the people close to me. So I take my medications.
When I use I don’t take my medications. Methamphetamine calms the chaos and keeps me centered. It is like being on medication but still having energy, light, feelings, being.
I can’t and don’t want to keep using though so I have to figure out how to overcome the downer of being medicated in a healthy way. I’m still trying to figure that one out.
This poem describes a big part of my struggle.

I grieve for my madness
Now it’s so calm and still
Everything’s so dull compared to 
When I was ill
 
I saw vibrant colours 
Each subtle shade of green 
Took my crazy breath away 
In a psychedelic dream
 
I could love a man so deeply
I wouldn’t let him rest
I tried to melt right into him 
To climb inside his chest
 
I was never bored
It never stopped at all
My head was a pinball machine 
My thoughts the silver balls
 
I wrote ten million words, I cried ten million tears
I rode the rollercoaster, for thirty manic years
 
But that overwhelming beauty
In the forest and the town
Turned to Earthly terror
On the turn around
 
And the men I had all left me
They didn’t want that love
I was “too intense” 
And they could never be enough
 
And it had to end sometime
You can’t go on like that..
It just seems a little boring
It just feels a little flat
 
So I’ll mourn my insanity 
But I will let it go
And embrace reality
Although it’s rather slow

Emma scarr, I grieve for my madness


It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.


Philip K. Dick , Valis
Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.one mayday! mayday!

Going down!

Well, coming down, hard.

I decided to finish off the last of what I had cause I’m a sucker for punishment. It ended up going through Monday night. Then, to show me just how idiotic that was, I slept through my alarms Tuesday and missed work. So, yet another reason to not pick up again – I want this job and using is fucking that up. In order to function I either have to go back to regular, moderate using or quit, I can’t keep trying to play this binge and purge shit.

I WANT TO QUIT. SO I AM QUIT!

Tuesday I spent the day sleeping. Last night I didn’t take my medication so I wouldn’t sleep through my alarms again and so today I am not asleep per usual after stopping using and I am in an intense amount of pain. Everything hurts. I was sick to my stomach and dehydrated all day at work but made it through, barely. My ears hurt, my lips hurt, my throat, my head, my feet, my fingers everything is lacking fluids and swollen with a pins and needles feeling. I want to feel this so I can remember how not worth it it is to pick up again. Usually I’d just sleep through this part with my medications knocking me out and letting my body recuperate silently but I don’t want to do the week to two week knockout.

I will take my medications tonight but only half of my sleep med so I’m not down for the count and missing calling my girls tomorrow night. I want to get through this awake because I have plans with Riley and Hope this weekend and I’m not screwing it up because I fucked up and used AGAIN. I need to do better. So I will.

I’m too much of a wimp to keep suffering though, since I can kick the withdrawals by getting back on track with my medications, which I need to do anyway, I’m going to. Now actually.

I want to create a template of sorts for a daily check-in that I can use to give an update on my sobriety on the regular and either incorporate it into my focus that day or have it separate from my post as an aside… Any ideas? I’m going to start brainstorming.

Thanks for checking in on me! I wanted to give an update and my brain is pretty mushy so hang in there with me and I’ll get back to rockin’ and rollin’ in my sobriety as we take this adventure!

Last thing: I feel differently about my sobriety this time. I am thinking of so many reasons why I want it and feeling really positive and fulfilled when envisioning my quality of life sober for the long haul. I’m ready for some real change in my attitude and behavior to better myself and my life. I feel ready now. I feel empowered. I can and am doing this.

The time has come.
It’s for the best, I know it.

Posted in reblog

rebLog: She Doesn’t Date — Emma Scarr ..I can relate-cdf

I am so impressed by the creative brilliance I stumbled upon and I want to share this incredible voice and artistry with you.


“She doesn’t date
Or look for a mate
She ducks romance
With a polite “No Thanks”
 
She’s learnt to avoid
The promise of joy
From nice looking men
She’ll not go there again
 
If one sends  a text
That boldly suggests
Meeting up for a beer
She steers well clear
 
She loves her home
Likes living alone
No emotional mess
Drama or stress
 
Yes, sometimes she’s weak
And remembers the treat
Of a cuddle and kiss
But she knows to resist
 
‘Cos when she falls she falls so deep
She cannot eat she cannot sleep
She will worry she’ll obsess
She’ll be a total fucking mess
Constantly she’ll want him near
Cling on to him with all her fear
Make him say he’ll never leave
Love him ‘til he cannot breathe
 
OH MY GOD HE HASN’T RUNG!!
WHY DOES HE HATE ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF TEST?
OH WHATEVER HE ASKS I’LL SAY “YES”
 
And when she gets into that place
It’s a long climb back to somewhere safe
And still the voices call her down
Back into the stinking ground
 
So she doesn’t date
Or look for a mate
She ducks  romance
With a polite “No Thanks””

Emma Scarr, She Doesn’t Date

I find this poem incredibly relatable and honest. The cadence in “She Doesn’t Date” gives it a bouncy upbeat quirkiness that complements the poem’s voice (speaks to the tone, diction, sound patterns and rhythm) which, I believe, embodies confidence and individuality.
This is exactly what I need to remember if/when I am single again. It takes a lot of self-awareness and confidence to be and stay single happily. The reasoning behind staying single in this poem is my downfall in relationships and identifying that is personal growth for me. Admitting it is also.
I hope you enjoy this and please click and visit Emma Scarr’s website (below, click “EMMA SCARR”) to support this amazing blogger. Make sure to like her poem’s post (also linked below, click “She Doesn’t Date – Emma Scarr”)

Emma Scarr

She doesn’t date Or look for a mate She ducks romance With a polite “No Thanks…”

She Doesn’t Date — Emma Scarr
Posted in recovery, relapse

page 1 – tell / page 2 – show

Watching a new (new to me) show Crazy Ex Girlfriend and it is full of really poignant life lessons and introspective realizations while still being lighthearted and hilarious. I have a love-hate relationship with the main character and the story-line is my worst nightmare come true and biggest insecurity in my own relationship so it is a bit torturous but I am loving it. It is weirdly awesome to be rooting against the protagonist, the writer’s really do an amazing job. I’m happy to have a new show to binge on, I need the distraction from my own failings for the weekend.

Face it.

Might as well type out what I’m doing: I’m having a tug-of-war about in my head while I keep my fingers resting on the keyboard awaiting my indecision. I can keep deleting my admission and rewording it to make myself feel better, more justified – there is no justification but I’ve decided that I have stopped deleting so I can’t take back the… I don’t need any justification, there is none, I don’t want one, I screwed up. Yeah keep going whatever you think just type it.

Wow this is harder than I thought, I figured I’d be able to just stop thinking and win out that way but instead I’m causing a backup of words that I slowly type -lost it, I NEED to correct grammar and spelling but that will be my only excuse for delete. Ignoring the grammar there so I can move on.

Here is what I’m going to do. I’m going to thought-write. What I think I will type. I’m high. So that is why I’m trying to not allow myself to avoid admitting my relapse by (yep in my head I’m pausing my thoughts to pick the right ones, should do that more often) I want to delete the whole block and start anew. It wouldn’t be, I’m cheating and leaving out filler anyway; nope, just not listening to it, that is interesting. My thoughts are attacking and I am not allowing them through. We do control our thoughts if we choose to. And I can reread slowly and stop the train.

Now I’m repeating the words on the screen over and over so I can regroup.

Be real.

Eyes. Mine hurt. It is my own fault. I don’t feel good. Again my own fault. I think – if I can get this out and actually publish it/keep it…if I can be honest- I can come back to this and remind myself how it is every time I use, the shame and regret.

I already know some of the things I need to do differently that I am avoiding – delete Mick’s number (from all the places I’ve hidden it so I’d always have it somewhere if I deleted it…that one’s a ridiculous catch-22), throw out what I have left rather than finishing it (I ALWAYS finish what I get so maybe it’ll help to break that cycle, but will I? do I really want to? I do and I don’t.), man up and make the right choices (don’t allow myself excuses), get help, set a routine and stick by it, and keep being real about it because this is helping.

I feel like I’m going to seem full of shit about wanting to be clean if I admit my relapses, especially since I’m barely getting past 20 days on these first documented attempts, but that is just it isn’t it, some part of me must be. I am past the wanting to want it, I do want it, yesterday! I’m going to post this so that I will and then I’m going to write myself some reminders on my high brain even knowing this is not what I want.

A huge part of what keeps me sane is that I know I’m going to get past this. I am going to stay clean. There is an end to my suffering in sight and I can do it, I just need to keep at it with genuine intentions. I want change in my life. I’m scared as shit. Of what, I don’t know.

PAGE 2

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.21 – BE now : aspire FOR tomorrow


Prepare for your my future?

 

    Lately, I have been planning (and failing to accomplish) small weekly goals and setting a task to achieve daily (blogging every day! I will get there) to feel myself progressing. While I have yet to reach any of my goals to their fulfillment making them has kept me motivated and constantly thinking creatively; the fact that I am continuing to pursue blogging is proof of that reserved determination. So, I figure, since I’m already so far ahead of the curve, I might as well get even more ambitious and set out a path – barebones rough outline to expand upon in time – to follow toward a my purpose. My logic is senseless and I do so enjoy it as such; it keeps my chaos a tad more organized.

     

   What got me on the idea of sketching out an outline of my way from here to there, there being my intention, my plan, my best outcome, is the topic above being asked of us at treatment today. I got on a roll and it got me amped! I’m also all over the place in regards to my timeline’s synchronicity so that will balance out as our ideas mature along the journey. So here is the synopsis of what I set out to Get ‘er done! in the next 10 years. Remember! it is my first draft of my second first draft:


=_= first time in my life that I am setting long term goals and I’m writing them down 2x now! was scared of goals because they meant effort and the ability to fail. now i’m excited to keep on trying until I thrive. and not stop there. =_+

 

Where do I see myself in 1 year.
  5 years. 10 years.? 


+In 1 month I get my court case dismissed after completing two years of probation so for the next thirty days no shenanigans for sure I want those charges disappeared!
+Over the next couple of months I’m going to be working my most workiest so that the company I’m temping for will hire me on full time (they’ve already brought it up as an idea – yeah they came to me so that rocked) or I’ll take part-time as an ACTUAL employee.wink
+Within 3 months I’d like to have earned 100 followers to this blog I be’s a writing AND get my car all up to snuff serviced to be on point for the next while.
**some ideas to get it so** 
–oil and filter change
–replace spark plugs
–replace any other filters and replenish fluids
–brakes done
–alignment aligned 
((ideas are welcome I know exactly ^that^ much about what I need to do to maintain my car))
+By my daughter’s 8th birthday in August, about 4 months away, I will have worked with an attorney to have gotten my visits on track with Hope. -hopefully it will be every other weekend by then-
+At 6 months I would like to have enough money saved up that I can feasibly put aside enough monthly to be in the position to live on my own. Not that I will but that I will be ABLE to.
+A year from now I plan to be petitioning the courts for more time with my daughters – an extra afterschool overnight per week or every other, I’m thinking.
+In 5 years time I will have both my girls full time again (as long as that is the choice they want still) and we’ll live in a one-story three bedroom home. The kids will share rooms with their respective sexes (if it’s still the 6 of us); the house will be big enough for comfort but cozy with affection. There is the likely possibility of a yard and one, or two, dogs. +Riley will be on her way out of the nest in just 6 years!+
+When I am 43 in TEN years I will have begun and succeeded in paying off my student loans and the credit card debt left to me from my exes. I will be debt free!


A few extras

  • In 5 years this – the hardships to endure in the aftermath of my addiction – will all be a distant memory.
  • Next few weeks ~ diet change :_: breakFast < protein shakes w.Collagen supplement / lunch < fruit smoothies w.Creatine and fat burner supplements / weaning off of NOS and adding in more water / dinner < meat size of my fist, two fistfulls of veggies, over rice
  • Over the following few months ~ eXercise regimen :_: one@ctivity every other day for 30 minutes ie. yoga, walking, jogging, swimming, etc.
  • As things continue to progress I want to eventually create my own website for my blog!
  • To get my “storagerooms cleared out I will take ONE box fill it with junk to get rid of or donate and do so ONCE a week until complete.


So tAdA!
I have more purpose.

“He who has a why to live for
can bear almost any how.”
friedrich nietzsche

Posted in recovery

0.12-0.18 – I am still sober!!

Apologies for my lack of posting for yet another sleepy-time week. I have just been overwhelmed with the desire to sleep or lay here doing nothing.
So that is a huge issue to overcome – I have absolutely NO MOTIVATION to do ANYTHING!
I barely did Easter. We had to put off decorating eggs until next week because they would be rotten by the time we went to hide them on Sunday (we boiled em Friday and then googled it before we started the decorating process) when my youngest will be here to celebrate. I made a basket for my mini me (Riley, 12) and got her some new flavored peeps which she was super excited, especially because she thought we’d only be celebrating next weekend.
We spent the rest of Sunday watching Forensic Files and chatting about everything while she chatted with her besties online and drew some of her awesome characters she creates for her role playing she does with her friends. They are a creative little bunch and can do this role playing (making up stories with their characters) for hours!!
So as expected my motivation is gone to do anything. I haven’t been able to open my laptop for 8 whole darn days because of it. I think about doing it and it sounds like a WHOLE LOT of effort and my brain is pretty hazy right now so my imagination and idea machine is kind of shut down.
I really want to one day soon reach and continue my goal of blogging everyday. I think I need to just blog SOMETHING. I know I want to walk everyone through my getting sober process too so maybe it could help another addict going through it as well so I need to do better.
I will. I’m feeling better today. I even did laundry. I was out of clothes and about to start pulling stuff to wear out of the hamper — EWWW! I didn’t! I got it done. But doing that motivated me to get on here.
Hang in there with me guys I’m getting the hang of both blogging and sobriety (again). I’ll get even better with time 🙂

Until we meet again.


“I have a perfect body, cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.”

Regina Spektor, Folding Chairs


Posted in reblog, recovery

DR – April 12, 2019 — The Wandering Enigma

Daily Recovery ReadingsApril 12, 2019 Daily Reflection GIVING UP INSANITY “. . . where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane.” — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 38 Alcoholism required me to drink, whether I wanted to or not. Insanity dominated my life and was the essence of my disease. It robbed me of the […]

DR – April 12, 2019 — The Wandering Enigma

Inspired to share by:

DailyReflections : giving up insanity

The Language of Letting Go – CoDependency : letting go of fear

Great reads!

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.10 – perSevering with Sobriety

It coursing through my system just gives me a constant buzz of energy flowing throughout my body and engulfs me like a big fluffy comforter but for my whole being.

I’m not anxious. I’m not upset with anyone or anything in life. I don’t need my feelings appeased.

I feel fine.

That home feeling you get when you are wrapped in your blankets just right, especially when you’ve out-snoozed your alarm and have precious moments left in your cocoon – that! that is it, I feel like that when meth is in my system. It isn’t getting high, though, getting high is euphoria and hyperactivity, racing heart and intense focus, mind-alteration and I have no desire for any of that. It is just that first hit when the chemicals mix into the bloodstream COMFORT I feel is what I crave.

But I’m not uncomfortable and not not comfortable nor ill at ease. I feel fine. I don’t feel up or down I feel even.

I’m not craving the rush, that just makes me feel sick anymore. I don’t want the high or enjoy the feeling if I even get much of one. I think I only continue the binge because I have it at that point but I cannot wait to be out of it. Now whenever I relapse I overdo each smoke so it makes me feel sick so maybe that will be a deterrent. Then it’s just headaches and regret. I feel empty and then I sleep. I hate using. The idea of using is stomach turning.

I don’t feel lacking of happiness or feeling any more than I always do on my medications.

I get the urge to pick up for…nothing I don’t want to and there is no benefit in using for me.

In my 20s I had an alcoholic phase of about 6 months where I would drink six tall cans a night during shows before/during bed. The mere idea of giving up alcohol made me break out in a cold sweat; I needed the intoxication it was my safety blanket and vacation from reality, the buzz, the drunk, the high part. I was insecure stressed overwhelmed, I had some excuses for what I was escaping from my thoughts, my anxiety, my unhappiness. I can understand my trouble quitting that habit because I wanted the effects still. Admittedly I just kinda walked away from ever drinking again when I started using meth and heroin I just lost any desire. Thankfully that has rolled over into an aversion to alcohol after kicking the drugs.

To quit pain pills I went chasing the dragon instead. Replaced not recovered from.

Heroin I cut back using when Alex and I first got together and he asked me to and after a while felt it was pointless to pay to nod off. I’d gone full blown meth addict I needed the fast life not the lolling floatation through oblivion.

I don’t want meth. I don’t want the high. I don’t want the repercussions.

Once I start getting natural energy back after my weeklong plus hibernation period after the previous relapse and the last of the battery acid is leaving my body I get a strong pull to pick up. I realize in the past 5 months I’ve created the habit of one week on three weeks off with occasional three dayers so it is somewhat just breaking a habit but I can do that I’ve been shopping as an alternative.

That pull is still there for why? No benefit, no desire, completely unwanted actually. So why do I want to relapse? I really don’t want to but I do.

Last time I relapsed I have no idea why the idea popped in my head. I didn’t want to get high. I didn’t want to use. I had a full out-loud discussion as I drove around town picking up necessities to pick up/use about not wanting to, not having a reason to, feeling happy and satisfied sober. I didn’t even have an argument for why I was continuing my pursuit and of what I was pursuing I was at a loss. I cried like a bitch when I accepted that I wasn’t going to wait a day, a fucking day! to relapse so I could take a clean UA that I needed for custody stuff with Hope, a fucking day. I felt like a fool, I was being a fool on a fool’s errand making foolish choices.

I took that first hit in the parking lot I met my guy in, it was urgent feeling and I still didn’t know what for. And I felt that buzz as the chemicals mingled with my bloodstream and that was it. I’d replaced what my body was apparently lacking. That home feeling, I have finally realized, is my body’s physical addiction to methamphetamine being fulfilled. I feel present, no not present, not mental but complete or whole, normal.

So now I figured out the what and the why of this seeming compulsion that I couldn’t mentally overcome: I’ve gone and gotten myself physically dependent on methamphetamine by continuing to relapse the past 5 months away. It is a different can of worms it seems because it is a driving force that I don’t have the correct weaponry to battle let alone overcome. Been here before and will get through it this time around too.

I’m struggling right now on sheer will and so thankful that Riley is over for the weekend so that takes away my ability to pick up.

Off to figure out putting the kibosh on cravings from physical dependence.

I feel like a shell of me, empty, or missing a component. Wonder if I’m not getting the flu after all.

self control is strength
right thought is mastery
calmness is power
peace be still

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.9 – dueling experiments *throwaway*

Wonders I’m wondering.
Serendipitous topic ideas running unfiltered through my noggin.
Jotted some scribbles to decipher..
Fun new word!
As I go, maybe, I’ll explain.
grasp those straws!

kiLLing it with kindness. brad word for word what I have in my notepad[app]

It’s the first entry and I know what it’s about. My entitled attitude having self…
Earlier this morning I was being a real snooty princess type (which I don’t do ever) about getting to finish the new parts before having to go back to the usual ones in that I was hoarding the newbies and got all protective of my stash when Brad showed up wanting in on the goods.
He ACTUALLY works there (on probation) but just recently graduated out of temp-status and is a bit “off” or maybe just on the spectrum.
Either way I called it right with this note.
I started off being snarky and dismissive, being pretty emasculating to boot, a real grade A asshole, I now realize, and I was in a good mood all the while.
I was even so petty that I wouldn’t move my parts an inch to give him room at his “usual” (when he works with us lowly temps-I’m being honest about my attitude to my embarrassment and it is how he treats us: “YOU guys … while I [something more important]) spot at the table. My reasoning: in order for him to get it at all he just literally rolled his chair into the newest temp without even an excuse me so I was getting payback … for her. The old lady next to me moved my stuff when I left the table and reminded me about compassion when I returned.
Well HELLO exactly what I needed to hear, right?
Guess it wasn’t enough for me because I made a point to, calmly yet snappily, tell Brad that he has a habit of tornado-ing through other people’s work areas to create his own space. Damned if the guy didn’t thank me, for letting him know, SINCERELY, not a drop of sarcasm.
THAT snapped me out of my Brad-warpath I was on and it wasn’t even an hour into the day. I went back and started my day over like they say to do in Alcoholics Anonymous

GOAL: attend AA tomorrow before Riley arrives

and I decided kindness was my kick for the day and maybe even a dash of empathy!
It worked though, Brad and I got along well and not in the fake coworkers kind of way but we had some interesting conversations (well interesting to him but I played ball, with empathy even – for myself – no really, I was good).
What made me know that we’d gotten somewhere in our coworkship (coworker relationship, its a thing!..) was when he said to me, he goes, “If I ever make inappropriate comments or make anyone feel uncomfortable, can you please let me know? I can’t always tell.” Even better than just anyone asking such a proactive request, Brad’s nickname (and our next topic suggestion) is Two-Cents… you’ll see


It does not matter how slowly you go

as long as you do not stop.

Confucius

two-cent$again just like my notepad[app] has it


So I got excited and got ahead of myself tripping over that last sentence.
I’m doing html coding – is that correct? – to relearn how to build a webpage
(I first learned in 5th grade, I believe, and never did use it so I lost it)
and after this mess of a post will add SUBTLETIES to future posts and this allows me to do that. Okay, sorry, run-on big time.


Right, Brad! two-cent$ got his nickname for the fact that he will offputtingly interject himself into your already booked conversation using some incredibly unhumorous statement – sometimes while someone else is still talking – that, of course, he and only he finds hilarious and very rarely does he have any clue as to what the conversation is actually about so it is even more of a sore thumb. Occasionally he’ll grab a word he hears someone say or thinks he does, and, with no context, just roll with that to try to get included.
It is CRINGY, to steal my daughter’s word – I now get what it means and the feeling that word exudes is borderline physically painful.
two-cent$ is very aware that he does this, so when he asked me to let him know about making people uncomfortable…I was straight up:
“Dude [insert above description] so do you mean when you’re not INTENTIONALLY doing so? How do I…decide?” No sugar getting coated, we’re buds now, right?.
Then it gets downright depressing as he tells me – his best coworkship-person – about how he eats his meals in his room now because he got tired of having nothing to add to his parents’ conversation at the dinner table. He kept reminding me that they really want him to eat down there with them but that the only way he was part of conversations was by doing what he does: knowingly rudely interrupting people’s conversations.
He definitely is socially awkward but he knows what he’s doing is not acceptable adult real-world behavior.
I did tell him I would keep him apprised of any other social ineptitude I may witness.

“Tired minds don’t plan well.

Sleep first. Plan later.”

Walter Reisch

laSt and beSt ~ lotSa wordS

introducing my newest word

with its multitude of fraternal twins:

Earworm aka a brainworm, sticky music, stuck song syndrome, or Involuntary Musical Imagery (IMI) is a catchy piece of music that continually repeats through a person’s mind after it is no longer playing.

my Earworm today

More words! some of my favorite lyrics ever! (not the whole song, which rocks) but these:

This is how it works
You’re young until you’re not
You love until you don’t
You try until you can’t
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else’s heart
Pumping someone else’s blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don’t get harmed
But even if it does
You’ll just do it all again

Regina Spektor, On the Radio

I absolutely adore these lyrics. It explains life and relationships to the T and makes me smile while doing it. I’ll break it down for your entertainment and hopeful enjoyment later. It is too late and I am too tired but here is the rest of my topics list:

thank you for indulging me while I try

HTML

Posted in recovery

0.8 – the 5 indecent behaviors of a junkie

My addict behaviors (also the top 5 expected): lying, manipulation, criminality, blame shifting, and verbal abuse.

I’m a pretty honest person. Hot damn! that is a lie. Definitely not where my addiction is concerned. Every time I use I have to make and take texts or phone calls that I will need to sanitize from my phone (making me a hypocrite because I expect my boyfriend not to do just that) after the deal is completed. My whereabouts for the lost time spent scoring are also a lie or usually a well-timed execution so that no one noticed my absence and thus I omit. Then every time I actually consume the drug, if I don’t wait until I am home alone, I make up some excuse or another for going to the store so I can use in my car down the block. Back when I shot up I could just go into the restroom of anywhere and do my thing. Smoking is a pain because, while my boyfriend disagrees, I believe meth has a smell and heroin for sure did, it creates smoke and pipes or sheets of foil are not easy to quickly hide inconspicuously. Every time I’ve attempted to hide either I have been caught red-handed. The boyfriend finding my rigs (needles) after going through my purse was the only way I got caught on that front. I am NOT promoting the use of needles – I wish I NEVER had and NEVER will again (I may relapse but am NOT going back to that insane method of drug use – I should have died so many times) and am beyond lucky to be alive after having done so. I am a liar, not to you, I’m honest with you and that is one of the difficult things about blogging my sobriety including my fuck ups because even though I don’t know you it is humiliating. I don’t actively lie in my sobriety I just omit certain things that I wouldn’t appreciate the boyfriend doing to me that I am doing (yeah I see the hypocrisy and the asshole I am) like messaging with a sober friend (who is male and therein lies the problem). See I know I am not doing anything wrong but I’m not doing something right. I just appreciate the support and attention! yeah. Alex and I have an agreement that we don’t participate in any form of relationship (friendship included) with members of the opposite sex because there is no good reason why we would need validation or attention from someone that is not the two of us. Its flawed thinking but it is a respect thing that we agree on. Thankfully he doesn’t do social media and I’m a super sleuth of all things cell phone so I am unworried, he got caught when he tried to step outside the terms and has been on good behavior since. Oh yeah we were talking about ME the liar. Other than that facebook contact and the occasional check-in by old friends on facebook I don’t hide anything else. Oh but back to being high I also have to pretend to be sober, rarely do I believe I fool Alex and probably Joke’s on me! thinking I’m fooling anybody else. Lying is painful though it rots a pit in your gut and the only way to cure that is through the agony of admitting the truth! I’ve done so though. After I got sober for my decent length of sobriety before the October relapse I admitted all my wrongs and lies to Alex. This guy is awesome-sauce staying with me after I admitted to pawning all his valuable jewelry among a bevy of other trespasses and lies. What a freaking guy!
Before moving onto my manipulation I thought I’d address the big purple elephant bouncing in the corner: I realize that by my not being honest in my relationship I am creating the mistrust I hate. If I can keep him in the dark then of course he’s probably got some shadow over me and even if that is not the case that is what I do believe. I feel kind of indifferent about it because he did who-knows-what with that female I caught him talking inappropriately to. I’m still so hurt by that that I’ll blame shift all day long! But yeah I see the cycle and don’t like that I am perpetuating it. Not proud of any of my pettiness.

I can bullshit my way through most situations high or sober, I am a bullshitter – it is a family trait passed down on my father’s side and it hasn’t skipped a generation or child in our family yet! Which yes I understand entails lying but it is smooth wordplay and if done right everyone walks away feeling like a winner. My bullshitting ways took a drug addled left turn to become manipulation right before my very eyes. I didn’t even realize I was doing it but I usually get what I want so the change wasn’t apparent. And then I did something I am super ashamed of but can never make unhappen – I threatened to commit suicide if Alex didn’t stay home from work with me. Ugh. Blah. Spit. Then I started seeing how I was playing on many people’s emotions and kindness to keep getting what I wanted when I wanted it. Alex got the worst of it. I was the master of guilt and could make a person feel bad for doing something good. My “friends” (other addicts) tried and failed to manipulate me while I was pulling their strings. And I felt what I was doing was okay! Now I get that it is abusive to manipulate someone and sometimes have to work hard not to – I did it for more than two weeks so it because a habit. The lawyer I used that screwed me over told me that I should be Trump’s spokeswoman because I could give Sarah Sanders (his actual spokeswomen) a run for her money in spinning truths. I base every exaggeration, lie, or spun truth on the truth because outright lying is too hard to keep straight. I am proud of my powers of persuasion!

A criminal? Who me? Never! and she lies again (just a joke I’m honest with you!). So I’m over thirty and have a nearly clean record. I’d gotten a possession of paraphernalia (I spelled that letter-twister right the first time!) for marijuana charge right after I turned 18 and a MIP Minor in Possession charge at 19 (alcohol). What a rebel I was! Yeah, not really but I did get away with a lot more I could have been in trouble for. Then, however, I got homeless. In order to get drugs, we would boost stuff that Mick (my dealer) wanted to pay for them so that got me started shoplifting. I really liked shoplifting; it made a lot more sense to me to just take what I wanted rather than pay for it. I liked it so much so that when I finally had money and started buying things again I had a hard time. I still could steal a lot of what I buy but I don’t have that meth-confidence that gave me the gumption to walk out the door without paying. I mostly stole gifts for my girls and jewelry – they have since taken the jewelry completely out of the Fred Meyer I would shoplift the fashion jewelry from. I’d forgotten about how I got started stealing until I remembered, mere moments ago, what I shared with you. Around the same time as the boosting for drugs campaign while I was homeless I stepped up my unlawful game and stepped into the world of prostitution. For about two weeks I sold myself through sex or a blow job more often than not. It is a surreal endeavor that I do not recall much of. I had a couple regulars, well men who wanted to be my regulars if I’d continued, who paid me very well. My excuse was that I had never enjoyed sex (true story save for 2 occasions) and had been having it for free for years so why not get paid for my displeasure. I carried bags and a backpack so I looked like some high school kid strolling down the street at ungodly hours. I don’t think the police were trying to stop the prostitution as it was an area known for it and I didn’t get stopped once. I found it weird, also, that I just wore regular clothes (and I don’t dress at all slutty quite the opposite) and had a three car back up at one point. Not proud, not ashamed, leaving my unsettling choices there in the past where they belong.

I wasn’t a big blame shifter but I did do my fair share during the custody cases. Trust you me it was not that I was on drugs and not willing to go to rehab that it all blew up in my face nope nosiree, it actually wasn’t they didn’t base it off of that but it definitely wouldn’t have hurt. The courts went off of a few stories Grayson made up to scare my family into being on his side but weren’t in any way true and the other lies he told throughout the court proceedings. I didn’t help my case by continuing to use though and know I allowed for his lies to be seen as possible with my action or inaction or both. I’ve accepted most everything and do take responsibility for my use but there are some things I’ll never agree with. And I take and took the blame for where I am at in life and know it is my decisions that have gotten me here. I’m pretty happy here, now, so I’m going to stay that way by not delving too deep into this blame shifting business,

Last but definitely not my least is verbal abuse. Get me high and give a cell phone with the ability to text as much as I want as many times as I want and numbers for the people guilty of getting involved in my life unasked and taking my kids from me. I can twist words into knives and convince a person to stab themselves with them. I’m a much better manipulator when I’m not on the spot and can edit my commentary. Words are my most powerful weapon and I utilized this during my addiction. I was superior and knew more than anyone else or could at least make it sound like I did. Alex had to deal with a lot of verbal abuse spewed at him at all hours and with no regard to him working hard every day to keep us going. I was an awful jackass to him for a bit while I was getting high. I can honestly say that I was a piece of crap as an addict for a period as most of these things were overlapping on my timeline.

“Don’t be defined by your past. It was a lesson, not a life sentence.”

Unknown

dopefiend Out!

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.7 – iNaNe fLaiR

siLLy abiLity
poINtless INstINct
absUrd geniUs
fatuouS SkillS

Me.
I can type. I can write. I can type what I write.
bLogging!
weBlog…onLineaccount…networkeDrecorDs…CyberspaCeChroniCles
I like words. I like to throw out some random nexus of thoughts bouncing around my brain for you to enjoy, judge, copy, and/or be inspired by. Purpose.

Happiness is where my mind is at. I am happy even though my life is kinda shitty. I intensely miss Hope, my youngest who’s father isn’t allowing me to see her, and think about her everyday. Even that isn’t bringing me down, though. I’m happy in my skin and with my life.
It is said that happiness is fleeting and an often “futile attempt to swim against the tide, as happiness doesn’t tend to last.” But I feel it in me. I am happy. I’m not future tripping or wallowing in my past, I’m here (well I am still very sleepy so I’m mostly here) in this moment. Life is filled with moments, experiences and living.
I have a very dull life and I love it!
Getting to go to work everyday is such a blessing and it excites me!
I have a purpose in life, a reason to get up in the morning and get moving and THAT is what I was missing for so long. Not working and being home with my kiddos was fulfilling but once they were gone I lost my reason for being. Being me is now my reason for living.

Was going to finish this as it is now yesterdays news but I don’t have anything to add right now. Off to today!

Posted in recovery

0.2-0.6 |=!\\/3 |)4`/5 5|_33|D

70 7r4n5l473 717l3 533 4dv4nc3d l337 5p34k 7h15 15 b451c l337
Okay I’ll stop that now.
The hangover from methamphetamine is sleep.
For the past five days (see it yet??) I have been either at work or asleep. And the awake time I had over the past weekend was spent solely on time with my daughter, Riley while she was here for the weekend (as she is every weekend!!! yayers).
Just wanted to check-in and let ya know that I am still sober and having my first day where I can stay awake after work.
Fun Fact: “Symptoms of fatigue usually peak around the fifth day of withdrawal, during which people will sleep an average of 11 hours per day (a phenomenon known as hypersomnia)” -verywellmind.com
This evening I feel plugged in a bit but was struggling all day at work…

AND EATING holy carpe dieming it with food I am.
Not a positive whatsoever, however, because I relapse to get my thin figure back and have body image issues up the yang! I have gotten to that yikes! stage of starting to look like a meth user and realized I’d gone too far (after I’d gotten sobered up) so I’m not aiming for a twig-like existence. I just know the weight I’m comfortable at but every time I start and stop using I’m throwing my metabolism for a loop and seem to gain more, quicker than the time I stopped prior. I eat the same dang things every time and drink the same crap in excess too. I know what not to eat and that is exactly what I eat when I’m coming down off of meth. And my energy drink consumption is out of control!! Not only am I gaining weight from crap food but I’m bloated to all get out from these damn NOS I’m chugging ALL DAY! Food sounds disgusting right now but that’s because I’ve got a nauseating head ache.
IDEA!

While I am thinking of one I’m going to make a list of this weeks goals and I’ll put them in my goals section later.
1. Blog daily (every week)
2. Drink only 2 NOS per day (what I just though of)
3. Get paperwork (check docs “note to self” and get started on new plan) for Grayson for custody ((same as last week since not achieved))
4. Research self-motivation techniques and practices. Blog ideas!

I feel better about life just having done that and even though I didn’t accomplish my goals from last week I’m not feeling less than because of it. I’ve been too tired to care about anything besides sleep and it may catch back up with me tomorrow so getting something done today! I set goals 😉 I’ve come up with some cool ideas in my “note to self” document made for brainstorming. I’ve blogged after 5 days of hiatus!!

If you haven’t yet try setting some easy goals for yourself for the remainder of the week, it feels delicious!
THIS is where I found the best app for goal setting, task planning/setting/reminders, and brainstorming. It talks about aiding teams but works great solo, for me at least.
Check it out, it makes organizing your to-do’s kind of fun!!

**Not advertising, no pay in this for me, just sharing cool stuff I’ve come across and found worthwhile**

On to today’s blog…

See you there I hope!

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.1 – graSping @straws

My life is so great but for my hamartia of addiction consistently making a mess of everything. I may say that I can pull life off high and if my mother had never seen my track marks that none of the shitty stuff would have happened but it would have caught up to me eventually. Likely not in such a wholly destructive way but it could have possibly been worse (don’t know how but trying to move past blaming and try taking responsibility).

Today I slept.
I called in to work and to treatment and spent the entire day with wonderful dreams and no worries.
I’m hoping that giving myself a full day to let my body and mind recuperate from this latest relapse will stave off being half-dead for weeks. Probably not but I do feel refreshed and sober right now so we shall see.

I’ve been doing research on my mental health disorders as well as the effects of methamphetamine addiction. One aspect and downfall of both my schizophrenia and addiction is anhedonia and this is a huge part of why I relapse, I sincerely lose pleasure in seemingly every part of my life and want enjoyment back. I have both social and physical (especially sexual) anhedonia. I know that my drug use and schizophrenia are the cause of this but is also exacerbated by the anti-psychotics I take. Prior to getting treated for my schizophrenic aspect of my mental health disorder I could at least enjoy sex and orgasm, even after getting sober before, but now I’m realizing that my lack of feeling in my nether regions and pleasure from sex coincided with starting the medication regime I am currently on. Hopefully now that I know I will be able to address this with my psychiatrist and find a fix. I know that methamphetamine use brings back all of my pleasure in all areas and thus I’m prone to relapse to get these feelings back. I enjoy life when I’m high and may have caused myself a life of lacking. I can really relate to and am scared by the article I linked to there. My anhedonia possibly being caused by both of my comorbid disorders (methamphetamine abuse and schizoaffective [schizophrenia and bipolar 1/mania] disorders) is discouraging and with the simple fix of using again really dampens my resolve to stay sober. I am brilliant at finding reasons to get high though so I’m not going to use this as an excuse, instead I’m trying to accept the repercussions of my choices and look for a healthy way to fix the issue.

I welcome ideas in regaining pleasure and similar experiences in the comments.

This has helped me to understand why the motivation of bettering my life to get my children back hasn’t been enough to keep me sober. I was starting to believe I’m just a shitty mom and don’t love my girls enough but I knew that wasn’t true. Being a mom was my life and I was happy and fulfilled before methamphetamine so now I need to figure out keeping my focus on getting back to that mentality without using. Did I destroy my ability to do so, though? The possibility of that being a fact is a sucker punch to my psyche.

Being completely forthcoming I am currently planning my next relapse in my head already but am fighting to shut down that urge to want that next high. I want there to be no next high and I want to want there to be no next high. What a conundrum.

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

Rock boTTom – kNockeD dowN and kickeD aRound

I hate this story but it is a HUGE part of my life story and must be told at some point so why not now?

The most importantest: I have two daughters, Riley and Hope, now they are 12 and 7 respectively but at the time of the abduction by my ex Grayson (Hope’s dad, Riley’s stepdad) they were 9 and 4. I had spent nearly every moment of Hope’s life with her up until that day and Riley had gone on a couple vacations with Grandma but otherwise only left my side to go to school. These two are my whole world and always will be. I had made some choices that left us homeless after a caregiver live-in (for me and my girls too good to be true right…bed bugs!) position went awry and we were no longer able to stay there and my grandparents (where we had been staying prior to moving for the job) wouldn’t let me go back, only the girls could. And I did send them to stay there for a week while I got us set up in the motel and Riley’s transportation arrangements made for school got worked out. At that point it was the longest period I’d been away from Hope ever and I thought THAT was hard, little did I know what Grayson had in store.

If only I’d been there: Grayson came to our motel where he had picked the girls up and taken them for dinner two days prior while I was at the store and they were with their babysitter, Tiffeny. He told Tiffeny that he was taking them for dinner and they’d be back in an hour or two. Instead Grayson took the girls and left Tacoma and took them to where he’d been staying – with his new family he’d acquired while not visiting the girls for months – in Seattle. He knew I didn’t have a vehicle and had no means of getting anywhere near Seattle but he made sure that wouldn’t have mattered anyway. When I called him to see when they’d be back, as it had been more than a couple hours by then, he refused to tell me where they were or let me talk to them. And, of course, he refused to bring them back.
I felt that I couldn’t do anything about it cause I didn’t even have a car or a real place for us to live so I didn’t think the police were going to help me. I couldn’t even tell them where they were and there wasn’t a parenting plan in place for Hope so he had as much “rights” to her as I did.

What I could have, would have, should have gotten him was on kidnapping Riley because he had NO parental ANYTHING to her and definitely didn’t have my or her father’s [Aiden’s] permission to take her. I realized this then, not right away but within the week at most, but had already spun myself out to forget.

I’ve always upheld that I wasn’t getting high around my kids and then Grayson took them SO I got high. It was also my excuse for having methamphetamine (thankfully, as it could have made matters worse for me, there was no heroin, how not is still a wonder to me) in an exorbitant amount in my hair follicle test – I had binged AFTER he’d taken my kids and refused to bring them back. The truth must be very obvious by now: I’d definitely gotten high while I was with (not in the same room ever nor in their view) my girls since I was getting high and I was a stay at home mom who was always with my girls and been around them while high more often in the years since my accident than not. I did a hardcore binge on meth and heroin after he took my babies and at the time left me with no hint at even what city they were in.

I use the word devastated for my experience being, at the very least, emotionally cheated on and finding out but the true definition of devastation is what I felt without my girls along with the awareness that NOTHING WOULD EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. Not knowing that they were okay nearly killed me, they needed me they didn’t know anything but their mommy! And that he wouldn’t even let me talk to them to reassure them or just hear that they weren’t in any anguish, like I was, further compounded my genuine desire to die. The only thing that kept me going was that they still needed me and no matter what I couldn’t leave them behind on this Earth without their mom, not by my doing at least.

I’ve never experienced such loss before or since and the hole it tore through me was an indescribable combination of heartbreak and despair made even more intense by it being my babies, my life, my everything and having them ripped from me so abruptly and unexpectedly. I didn’t even get to hug or kiss them goodbye.

Because my emotions were so forceful and gut wrenching and after I gave up begging Grayson to let me talk to my girls and hung up on his holier-than-thou bash-Lyric-a-thon (I’ve used plenty of drugs with this guy and knew he was still using and drinking so I couldn’t be bothered with his dripping hypocrisy if I wasn’t going to talk to my kids), I dove straight into my stash and did up the entirety.

I didn’t care if I ODed, I actually would have preferred it. So I got blown (really really frikkin high) and just kept on going to forget I even existed. Even through my drug-induced haze of numbness the pain of being without my kids was the most sickeningly intense, excruciating emptiness. I thought I was, and welcomed, having a heart attack because I had shooting pains in my heart and a restriction in my chest crushing me into the little ball that I stayed rolled into for hours, geetered (really really frikkin high) and sobbing. I must have looked a mess and the depressed, crying girl in the corner is always to be avoided less you fall into their low. I lost a big part of my self, that I’ll never get back, when that went down.

And then I started my spiral, ran straight to the shit- which got me screwed on that hair follicle and with Grayson’s lies backed by my grandparents newfound knowledge of my lifestyle and the happenings within it being taken as God’s word by my GAL I was toast before I even knew I had an emergency hearing for my grandparents to take custody of Riley. I sobered up for that few hours and agreed that Riley would temporarily stay with my grandparents while I got back on my feet and into housing for us.

I got to see Hope being held by a stranger of a woman who tried to keep her from me and came to find out this was Grayson’s new family, her two sons Mikaela and Montgomery (yeah I don’t have any explanation to either) were in the truck. I realized she was purposefully flaunting my daughter to screw with me and went to find Grayson. I got about 10 minutes of time with Hope and agreed to them taking Riley camping and wrote a release note for picking her up at school. I figured I should be as amicable as I could fake so that I could get as much information as possible.

Grayson was there at the emergency hearing to see that his plan had gone as hoped – he had set everything in motion before he even knew where we were staying. After not having a vehicle or license the entire 6 years we were together his daddy came to visit and paid off his tickets, got him his license, and bought him a truck and insurance spending over $20,000 and with Grayson, as always, not having to take any responsibility or action on his own. He’d been talking to my grandparents and his lies (and I’d be honest if he was telling truths but these were fake and too ridiculous for a normal, rational and knowledgeable people to even begin to take seriously or anyone who had been around Grayson to buy into) worked like a charm in convincing my grandmother he’d been doing all the work with the girls and covering for my lack of involvement and he had been some upstanding “husband” and “father” the whole time we were together. In reality he couldn’t keep a job, leeched off of unemployment that I did the job searches and paperwork for him for, was only interested in his “band” and “making it” as a bassist, and when he wasn’t playing “music” he would sit and play hours and hours of video games. He also drank his rum and cokes nightly and was latched to his marijuana dabber pen/pipe thing (he couldn’t go an hour without multiple tokes. When he’d bailed on the girls for months while he enjoyed his other family instead of his responsibilities to Riley and Hope my dad set up a visit with him to see them when I was in California for my first rehab stint. After arriving late and not making it on the bus the full distance, causing my dad to have to go retrieve him, he chatted up my dad’s girlfriend about penis piercings and other inappropriate topics. When he was suppose to take the girls to the park, to get him to actually spend some time with them, he all of a sudden couldn’t find his pipe and had to search for and find it before taking it with him to smoke in front of the girls per usual. He neglected his responsibilities and then the one time in my life where I was completely down and out he came in to kick me while I was on the ground.

It should have been enough for all involved parties that Riley was safe and taken care of and that I was going back to drug and alcohol treatment to address this “binge” I’d had but this bitch of a not-involved party thought she’d latch on to the now steadily floating ship and light a gasoline fueled fire on the deck. We’ll meet my mother when the saga continues.

To be continued

 

He said, she said, bullshit that followed
Contradictory my dear: Grayson’s rendition of what he supposedly found at the motel are plentiful and all from his mouth negating each other. I have court documents where he says in one that there was a big bag of drugs on the bed and another where there were individually wrapped small bags and the other written version of events he claims there was only paraphernalia on the dresser.

Unbeknownst to him: There really were no drugs. OH THERE I GO LYING!! There weren’t any drugs in the front room but in the locked back room there was my heroin and meth stash hidden after being enclosed in this weird miniature boxy drawstring bag – this thing was black so I had to search for it in the dark upper corner of the closet knowing where it was. I can honestly say I have always made sure that there was no possibility of my kids getting into any drugs, accidentally or purposefully, and they were never in the same room as any drugs when they were with me (as for with their fathers I am not sure and since Grayson was getting high after he took my girls and while they were in his care as shown by a hair follicle found dirty with cocaine I am pretty positive with how I know he acts when getting high that they were in the same room as his drugs at least once and more so if you count marijuana [dabs mostly at this point in his life] and I don’t but am going to because the courts forbid his use eventually. Although they turned a blind eye to the cocaine which has always boggled my mind and really pissed me off). I’m not excusing my behavior I never should have had any drugs or ever been under the influence around my girls. I know I am in no way some innocent victim.

I knew he’d made up what he claimed to have seen as soon as the first version was available to me because it was my room and my girlfriend Tiffeny was watching the girls while I went to the store to get a fan and socks cause it was too hot to have the girls walk with me so I know there were no drugs in the main room of our motel room. If I had had drugs out there they wouldn’t have been laying out for anyone to see and these drugs were supposedly on the bed and in large quantities but that was where the girls were playing and getting their hair done. Truth be told, by Tiffeny, Grayson didn’t even go into the room but just stuck his head in the room to call the girls to come out. He barely looked up from what Tiffeny said he seemed intimidated by her (him).

Tiffeny is a transgender female (so born male but now female) who is an absolutely gorgeous, black, fit and muscular, woman but it was (haven’t seen her in years now) apparent from her body type and jawline that she had been Michael prior. For sure she could kick Grayson’s ninny ass without effort but him being fearful of her just shows what a pussy he is as she is a sweetheart and at the time he saw her she was braiding Hope’s hair. Grayson made it out to be a negative that I allowed the girls around Tiffeny and tried to bring it up in court as some form of child abuse on my part by exposing my girls to what they knew to be their female babysitter they had stay with them a couple times. It got nowhere that I ever heard about within the courts and Grayson has since apologize for trying to create an issue.

He also said there was no food or drinks and the entire table holding the TV was covered in cereal, snacks, fruit and gatorade (I got like 600$ in foodstamps back then so they weren’t hungry). That claim from him got me neglect in my case with Hope but it was only his word which for whatever reason the courts took as truth even with his inconsistent statements about there being drugs. His daddy paid out nearly $40,000 for an attorney to annihilate me and my reputation and parenting abilities in court. There is a lot not right with the case and how it worked out with the contradictory statements, some very obviously forged UAs, the drugs in his hair, and more in his favor when I had been the only parent for the year prior. That is what his daddy paid for and they won.

Rock bottom

This was my rock bottom and I numbed myself so completely and still felt the pain. I avoided dealing with any of it by continuing to numb myself and eventually I came to accept my situation. So technically I hit the lowest point possible but I was too far gone to experience it for real. There are a lot of moving parts and people working together behind my back to see to it that I would have to do exactly what my mother wanted which included being without my kids for at least a year and a half. And that is just a part of what she did. Family is suppose to help not hurt and I learned the hard way that that wasn’t the case in mine. More on all that to come.

I don’t feel much since then and in the one instance where I did I ran back to numbing myself. I am now back at square one again but my heart’s not in it. Maybe I need to hit rock bottom for real but I don’t think I could survive any more heart-wrenching devastation or loss any time soon and preferably never. So I’ll have to figure out how to get and stay sober without my life getting worse and I think I can be okay with that.

((There is a lot more to come, this is just the beginning of the end of my life as I’d known it. I’ll tell you what, though, I learned who my friends and family really were and that I didn’t really have any of either. Strangers, people new to my life and all of which I’d known less than a month are who kept me safe and on my feet. I’ll continue to share my experiences with all of that and more. I’ll be linking stories to the events timeline (unfinished but I’m working on it) so you can get a look at the happenings I’ll be writing about. I’ll write something for every occurrence listed eventually and the list isn’t done yet.))

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery, relapse

clean time: months.days – 0.0 :: square one

Today would have been day 1 of my sobriety but I took Excedrin PM for my headache at work thinking it might make me a little sleepy but I’d be fine. Well probably exacerbated by not having slept last night I ended up being what I can only describe as a surreal high. I was in and out of reality and couldn’t carry on a conversation properly. I thought I was going to get fired!

Thankfully boss man reassured me that they are still looking to hire me in the near future and sent me home to get some rest.

He also accused me of being on drugs to which I only copped to the Excedrin PM and blamed lack of sleep the past couple days for any oddities he felt I had portrayed. It seemed really weird since I hadn’t noticed him out on the floor much yesterday. Maybe he was just checking since I was admittedly “high” from the Excedrin. I didn’t use any meth today but I am feeling some withdrawal symptoms and that may have contributed to the intensity of the diphenhydramine’s effect on me.

I am thinking of being honest with him about being in recovery after I get a little time sober and probably not until he hires me. So maybe never but I didn’t like making him feel bad for accusing me. I didn’t lie and I didn’t deny anything however I think he took my look of disbelief and tears coming to my eyes as such but I was still feeling fuzzy and thought I was getting fired so that was the cause of the tears. Worked out either way. Got off a couple hours early and gotta be back in at 6 am.

Recovery day -1: I didn’t intentionally get stoned/high but I’d rather start my sobriety off totally clean. That is a negative 1 but I guess it should be a zero anyway so oh well. Tomorrow is my first day of the rest of my life sober.

“I changed my goal that day, rather than wanting to quit drinking, I wanted to become a person whose life was so great they didn’t want to drink.  And yes, that sounded impossible, but oh so desirable.”

terminally nice

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, reblog

The 3 Stages Of Falling Apart — Thought Catalog

You walked into the room and it was full of people, but I didn’t see the people. You shot me a cynical look and I already knew what you were thinking. 426 more words

The 3 Stages Of Falling Apart — Thought Catalog

This is the most impacting piece of writing I’ve read in years if not ever.
It more than just speaks to the reader, it more than just paints a picture.
I felt the writing, not as in feeling any of the characters’ emotions, while that is all depicted phenomenally I felt the writing.
Each word seemed heavy with a sort of rawness and vulnerability.
Every word spoke to me and seemed purposeful and necessary.
The concept is one that I would usually, and almost did, pass over as relationship/break up are overdone topics but the author brings you through the 3 stages of a relationship: the honeymoon period, the active relationship with gloves off most often, and the break up/end. It feels like you experience them all as the reader in an out of body surreal sensation that I can’t put the correct word for.
The point of view creates a calm resigned atmosphere that pulls at the heartstrings but not in a sad way, it is very bittersweet and comforting.
When you read it let the writing read to you and listen instead.
This is an intoxicating piece of writing and it looks and even reads (word for word wise) pedestrian but deeply affected me in an, apparently, indescribable way.
I am inspired by this.

Posted in Uncategorized

ready…. set….

My life is a semi-pretty mess right now and in the past 3 years I’ve experienced some of the hardest trials I’ve had to face in life but I will keep surviving if for no other reason than: I am frikkin awesome!!

Through every hardship I knew for sure that I had three people who would love me no matter what and that made everything worth it. The unconditional love for and also from my girls is incredible and unequivocal, and then there is my love for me that only has a couple conditions haha no seriously: 1. be honest with myself always and 2. no self pity. I’m my own best friend which is lucky since I’m my only friend as well. I really believe that society would be a lot more pleasant if we all took our negativity and revamped it into opportunities for self love.

I’m at that point in my life where I fully accept me for who I am and I don’t try to be anything I’m not. I think that my early thirties have been really empowering for my psyche and my self esteem and confidence are well above where they probably should be with my position in life currently. It feels really good though and I want to share my happiness with everyone so they can hopefully experience the self assurance and acceptance with living life on life’s terms like I have found.

One thing that bothers me is when someone tells you all about how great they feel but don’t give any advice on how I could feel that way too. I believe they’re scared their mojo will run out if they go around sharing! Really that is probably a weird hang up I have and am projecting because I used to always want to have things that other people had but without doing the work to get it.

When I first typed that paragraph a few days ago I corrected myself in *PAUSE*

this is what I said: “freestyle thought mode” (isn’t that just adorable)
even better I quickly took off the tip of my tongue: “stream of consciousness” and felt super awesomely nerdy for being proud of the quickness with which it I activated my powers of vocabulary!

I made that a little weird huh? A smidge maybe? At this point you’re starting to question how long this took me to set up to try and be cool?
Yeah I would be too.
I did mention just moments ago that I typed the previous paragraph days ago too. What kind of weird back to the future shenanigans are these?

So go to that single line above the two paragraphs above this sentence and read it. Yeah, definitely, reread that too.
I reread the whole middle part.

but now that I keep coming back to it it seems like a bad after school special. If I lost you that is understandable as I’ve explained nothing and too much at the same time. Up to speed? You’re going to get irritated in a hurry.
I was referring to the previous paragraph and what I did, that I had taught myself to do, and when I did it there, it was not consciously done, so I did it out of habit! I suck at developing habits because that means you have to do something consistently for two weeks straight and

No matter if no one ever reads this I am loving writing around myself! Everyone should try it. You’re right though I still have not explained the paragraph previous to the sentence two paragraphs above that is

What I did was, well now it’s really campy feeling… boo. I

“One thing that bothers me is when someone tells you all about how great they feel but don’t give any advice on how I could feel that way too. I believe they’re scared their mojo will run out if they go around sharing! Really that is probably a weird hang up I have and am projecting because I used to always want to have things that other people had but without doing the work to get it.”

Me (I have a valley-girl voice, Clueless Alicia Silverstone… in my head reading this)

To help me learn to love myself more and keep a more positive outlook in life I started to call myself out on my own bullshit so when I lie, or if I’m copping out due to insecurities, in the moment, when they occur (weirdly grammared [it should be] sentence so I added redundancy). I’ve been doing this brutal honesty thing in my writing and in every day conversations which surprisingly hasn’t gotten weird yet, for me at least, but I’m really socially awkward and I’m always getting puzzling send offs at the end of conversations, even before. Don’t quit now I swear there is a great takeaway that you probably can figure out on your own through life and shit, you’re right, but I’ll still be here typingggg

Somehow that depicts my voice fading as you walk away. The End.

Would I leave ya like that, really?
Turn the page, it needed dramatic flair
and I just learned I can make a new page.

Posted in recovery, relapse

day 24 – kinda sorta maybe

My brain already went out to LackadaisicalWhimsy about an hour ago and I enjoyed typing that up.
And that is pretty much all there is to my Sunday.
I’m still in my sleepwear.
Have since applied jeans to my legs.

12 sTeP AcroNYMS

  • GOD : Good Orderly Direction :: Following the guidance of your Higher Power
  • EGO : Edging God Out :: Trying to do things MY way and needing to do God’s will
  • FEAR : False Evidence Appearing Real :: Fear is an illusion and not real
  • KISS : Keep It Simple, Stupid :: Work smarter not harder
  • HOPE : Hearing Other People’s Experiences :: Feeling not alone. Listening is an art.
  • FINE : Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional :: You read my mind

i’M hAVING aNXIETY oVER mY nEW aNXIETY



A weird feeling: It is never enough but always too much.
Constantly feeling unsatisfied.
It isn’t how I feel usually but am experiencing some anxiety from it right now.
Constantly isn’t the correct word because while it is a constant on my nerves at this moment this is a new type of anxiety for me.
I don’t do enough anything.
Usually I am very happy with me but I don’t feel good in my skin right now.
A certainty of uncertainty.
Avoidance forever or how long will I hold onto my own idiocy.

Posted in recovery

aLL the sobeR ladies, too(2)

This is the “Continued” portion of the TBCed aLL the sobeR ladies blog post I literally just published. I got cut off my the post which I didn’t know was a thing and now I do! Here’s to experiences and learning from them!!

That sentence sums up the biggest flaw in the Women for Sobriety New Life Program, it lacks owning your character defects, admitting them all out loud to another person, and forgiving yourself while keeping our past available to reference in times of tribulation. I’ve avoided doing a 4th step like it is the plague and I would have no issue writing down my shortcomings and all my dirty laundry so long as no one is ever going to see it. For Level 2 of WFSNLP it is suggested “to write down in detail our concepts, experiences, difficulties, and feelings.” I don’t feel that the softer approach is the wrong one but I feel that WFSNLP is the set up without the follow through, recognizing the problem but not confronting and dealing with the real issues. If it were as simple as loving myself, being positive, and wanting it to stay sober I’d be years sober because I have all of that going on. That is what I see the WFSNLP providing women self confidence, empowerment, and communication skills but it isn’t nearly enough to maintain sobriety.

In the Ninth Step Promises the Big Book tells us we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Our past does not have to define us, who we are, or how we live our lives; we need to forgive but not forget so we don’t doom ourselves to repeat the same mistakes. That seems to be a big part of WSFNLP’s theme, starting a New life and forgetting the past. It promotes “discarding negative thoughts” instead of changing our outlook and turning a negative into a positive; again, a glaring difference is the choice to ignore and/or forget the hardships and trials in life not to do something to change them or find benefit in experiencing life in whole: the good the bad and the beautiful but especially in recovery you can’t skip the painful and/or difficult stuff.

Level 5 – Relationships improving due to being happy and positive. No duh. They don’t even touch on handling the aftermath of our actions in addiction. Seeking forgiveness and accepting responsibility don’t seem to be mentioned much within this program. It seems that a person in WFSNLP can just opt out of resolving the wreckage left by the alcoholic/addict tornado. The past is not to be worried over or to carry guilt for so add insult to injury and act as though you don’t know anything about the pain you caused everyone around you. That definitely negates the good person aspect I at least hoped was part of the program.

Then there is this drivel: “Our culture has taught us to be over-dependent on others – by attaching our self-esteem to our relationships and to approval from others. Our value as a person often depends on our relation to others and not on our own intrinsic worth. On the other hand, we fear and dread rejection and hurt. Now is the time to take risks – be open about our feelings – be vulnerable – balance giving and receiving.” So the whole idea that these exact characteristics that you claim your program relieves women of through affirmations and happy thoughts you are now using as justification to continue being oppressed like we’re in the 50’s or 40’s?

It is 2019 and the only way to survive is on a two person income, stay at home moms are on food stamps and in state afforded housing; women may not be equal but we’re running right along side men at this point. The American culture hasn’t promoted being codependent any time recently. We empower our daughters nowadays. This program is giving excuses for feeling like a person: everyone dreads rejection and hurt. And what kind of risks is a woman taking in being open about her feelings that is ALL we seem to be now. I feel like I was in a time warp reading that.

Alas, I’ve digressed. It is apparent there is a lot left to be desired from the Women for Sobriety New Life Program as a life-coach facility let alone when claiming that it is a recovery program for people suffering from alcoholism and addiction.

I’m jumping off of my soapbox and going to go fact check myself before publishing it because I don’t want to end up having missed a unicorn rocking a mohawk as that is the level of miracle I’d have to find to make the WFSNLProgram anything more than a positive thinking support group. Damn it you cast aside bad thoughts instead of changing the perspective since that is where the problem is not the tossed aside thought.

I checked and they are proud to be the worst kind of recovery program I’ve come across and I stayed in a “sober living” house with 9 other girls for 500 dollars per and 3 people in my room, this program is worse because it is knowingly leading women and girls astray with all their thorough explanations of it being an “abstinence based” program and how it adhere’s to women’s sensitivities. A disgrace is all that is. I do hope that they are able to help more than harm and its never a bad thing to address defects of character to whatever degree they write about it. I’m also all for positive thinking and affirmations which, they are for sure putting questionable values out there, but at least it is with a smile and a heart full of love.

Posted in recovery

The Ninth Step Promises

The Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. 
They will always materialize if we work for them.


Big Book pages 83 & 84 

These are what practicing the principles of AA promises every alcoholic and addict to be able to achieve and receive through working an honest twelve step program with a sponsor.
I added all the “requirements” because they do matter in the materialization of these promises as we must put in the work to reap the rewards and it shows in who is in it to win it and the people still riding the fence – sometimes similar but distinctly different programs.

Posted in recovery

aLL the sobeR ladies

I found a page called Women for Sobriety and they approach the Program a little bit differently than Alcoholics Anonymous which follows the 12 steps and 12 traditions, instead they promote their “The Program” aka The Women for Sobriety New Life Program (WSNLP to me now) and that involves 13 “Acceptance Statements.” They promote a new way of life through a new way of thinking and that is something I already do through turning negativity into a positive outcome and focusing on loving myself first so I am definitely interested. I’m going to share with you their 13 Acceptance Statements and my thoughts on them to give you a comprehensive idea of what the WSNLP is about.

Just ran across their 4 steps to nurture behavioral changes and the first two are on point with what I urge others to do just with themselves so that is kind of cool:
1. Positive reinforcement (approval and encouragement) SAME JUST WITH SELF
2. Cognitive strategies (positive thinking) SAME
3. Letting the body help (relaxation techniques, meditation, diet and physical exercise) A GREAT WAY TO ATTEND TO YOUR WHOLE SELF
4. Dynamic group involvement NOT SO MUCH SINCE IT BEING ALL ABOUT YOU IS PART OF SELF LOVE

I FEEL LIKE I WAS STANDING ACROSS THE ROOM FROM YOU YELLING MY IDEAS AFTER READING IN A NORMAL VOICE ALL RUDE LIKE. I SAW YOU MOTIONING FOR ME TO QUIET DOWN BUT I’M JUST ENTHUSIASTIC!

The program concentrates on learning new self-enhancing behavior and developing a sense of empowerment and self-efficacy.” THIS IS ON POINT

WFS-NLP Acceptance Statements
1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life and my well-being. I accept the responsibility. 
Sounding pretty familiar but a bit more dire than Step 1.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious sober act is to reduce negativity in my life.
Acceptance AND action I like it! Negativity is the crux of the problem.
3. Happiness is a habit I am developing.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
Action lovin' it! Not any more vague than the first few steps.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit.
I now better understand my problems. I do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
Learning to self soothe and taking responsibility for our reactions, impressive.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
Maybe C-words weren't the best choice but I'm all about positive self talk.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
Some days just are mediocre and part of recovery is accepting that as okay.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring is all important.
Not really for this one but self love and self care are numero uno.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into proper order knowing which are the priorities.
I'll agree that personal growth is  and that encompasses those so okay.
9. The past is gone forever.
No longer am I victimized by the past. I am a new woman.
The past still happened and is something to learn from and appreciate. Also, the past
didn't victimize anyone. Own your shit and move forward with the wisdom from it.
10. All love gives returns.
I am learning to know that I am loved.
If we include negative returns then true. Must love yourself first.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure the moments of my New Life.
Lost me on daily enthusiasm I enjoy being reserved. "New Life" like you can throw
out the old one like it never happened? Not for this lack of appreciation of life lived.
12. I am a competent woman, and I have much to give life.
This is what I am, and I shall know it always.
More positive self talk, I'm all for it. You are much more than just competent though.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
That is it? Glad everyone has their wits about them but my mind abandoned ship for
a while so, hey, I'm the minority not many alcoholics or addicts have mental health 
disorders right? Yeah read sarcasm as that is opposite of correct. I can get behind the
thoughts and life and self and actions just want a little wiggle room for my mind too.

So all in all I am getting that they figured out the same thing I figured out – that in order to live a fulfilling and worthwhile life you have to love and take care of yourself. They started off strong with actionable follow ups to the acceptance but then I feel they just started throwing around positive affirmations rather than getting to the core of the problem: you’ve got to love yourself first and accept yourself including your past mistakes and experiences. 
This reads like a woman wrote it, it has a lot of fluffy niceties but lacks real substance or character building and in the end these ladies are still running from their issues. The steps embrace the manliness a bit more they are very direct and to the point and while WFSers are hiding their skeletons deeper in their closets the Program forces you, when you’re still raw, to face EVERYTHING you have ever done in your life. It works for a huge amount of people to finally get honest (which is the basis of my self love program but with another person knowing everything too. I respect it.) like they don’t want to ever have to admit anything ever again and are now leading an honest existence in the Program so BAM we get good people made!

ToBeContinuedinaLLthesobeRladiestoo2 Continue reading “aLL the sobeR ladies”

Posted in recovery

day 23 – haphazard woolgathering

“Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing.”

Woody Allen, Deconstructing Harry

see me

Trying out some of these different options. I have been screwing around on my blog all day and really all night too.
I wrote my sKippingbackwarDs page and ended up cutting over half because I liked the top portion for that specified topic but what I cut branched into a new area of the same type of topic… I did copy it over to a draft (I didn’t think to do something so logical I copied it into my Nimbus Notes) well I kept it!
Soon I’ll grace you with my advice, or promotion more so, on loving yourself. My life is pretty shit-mediocre-ish, no matter I enjoy the heck out of it, and I am happy and satisfied in it in big part because I have such a good relationship with myself and honest love and like of me.
This format is driving me bonkers!
Thank you, next.

  1. Aww come on push it.
  2. What’s the worst that could happen?
  3. I would sincerely enjoy comments in response to the above question.
  4. This is how I make a list which I do believe I have tried!! Lame-me lol.
  5. Look now it is new to me it is a numbered list!
  6. Seriously touch it!!
This is rad!Ooooh I see.I’m learning how tables work
I was sure that I’d messed up the whole deal.
Just learned that I can take two linesUgh that is ugly haha middle!!
I should add 2+2=4
I’ve done it now I’ve done it

Thank you for enduring my shenanigans and still continuing to read!!

I have done less than nothing today and thoroughly enjoyed myself.
My only act that made a difference to someone else in the world today was picking up Alex, my boyfriend, from the mechanic where he took his car this morning. In doing so I was also dropping myself off and allowing him to use my car. Better yet, my car needed oil, a bath, and a good vacuuming and trash stop which he, being the amazing guy he is, agreed to doing all of. Also he is absolutely okay with my enjoying dicking off on my laptop all day.
Shoot I should be decent and clean something huh?

This was all a setup and I failed my portion of the exam you never saw me

Will this work better? I guess I won’t be able to tell until I type a bit in this box it seems. It seems interesting that you are interested in what I may have to say on different topics. I appreciate you, every one of the two people who have come by to check me out. I wonder if that had been the case if I’d be sad. I’m doing this as a weird kind of therapy to keep me from making more unnecessary left turns in life. This should be enough.

Posted in recovery

day 22 – revised silhouette

deception2

I found this quote and it has me perplexed. I’ve been trying to simplify it in order to define its meaning. It seems really obvious but then doesn’t seem to add up.
Below I take the long way through my thinking and writing process to decipher this little gem.

Word for word substitutions: Existence/soul/survival is the creativity/mastery/ability of living/ensuing/enduring effectively/thoroughly/skillfully beguiled/deluded/fooled; and so that/so/that one may the duplicity/disinformation/guile can/be allowed/be permitted triumph/prosper/advance it has to/be obliged to/should be continual/perpetual/routine/typical and unbroken/successive/sustained.

Survival is the ability of enduring thoroughly fooled; and so that the disinformation can advance it has to be routine and sustained.

Existence is the creativity of living effectively beguiled; and that one may the duplicity be allowed triumph it should be perpetual and successive.

Soul is the mastery of ensuing skillfully deluded; and so the guile be permitted prosper it be obliged to be continual or typical and unbroken.

Breakdown through definitions: Living things and their activity is the expression of human creative skill and imagination of existence, being alive in a good or satisfactory way cause to believe something that is not true or give the mistaken impression or fail to admit to oneself that something is true; and so that the thing that deceives expressing possibility achieve the desired aim or result it be obliged to be done or doing constantly; regular; usual and without a break in the continuity.

Now I’m going to try some comprehension of the mess above:
Given a little change
Our existence is the expression of reality aptly mislead; and so that this falsity disguised as truth can win approval it has to be repeatedly done and incessant.
Inference/My takeaway
Through our experiences we are painting our life’s great masterpiece depicted by our skewed view of reality and to continue enjoying life we have to maintain a unique, oblique perspective.
Another idea without being so wordy
Life portrays our stories as we have shaped them to be over time and with repetition to become our truths.
This is quite enjoyable
My mind was stuck on lying boyfriend earlier
Straightforward encompassing that deception
In order to survive we must become easily fooled to avoid the pain of betrayal; if the deceiver cares they will be consistent and competent in their lies.

My day was tolerable. I’ve been experiencing high anxiety at night last night and tonight. First it was about my daughter not being here this weekend and has traversed to causing me frustration about my boyfriend’s dishonesty.
Really, if I’m being honest with both of us really honestly, I’m craving smoking the pizzzipe so I’m feeling a bit antsy about that as well. Since Aiden, my real ex husband, decided to keep Riley with them for the weekend it gave me an excuse that I nearly jumped at to just say “fuck it” and get high.
I will say that I think I should be allowed to get high so long as it is when I don’t have my girls as well as not being under the influence around them but on my own time I don’t think anyone has the right to tell me what to do. If it was negatively effecting my behavior I’d, of course, not partake but that not being an issue I do believe that people should have the right to choose if they want to imbibe drugs or alcohol. The only reason I got found out about my use was track marks being seen and then heroin was the only one found out. Day to day no one knew.
Whatever, not an option so don’t know why I felt the need to romanticize a negative decision that would really throw a wrench into my life right now anyway.

Language shaping thought is a new concept for me. As just a basic idea that the type of language a person utilizes within their life impacts their thoughts seems like a “duh” moment but I know there is a lot more diversity in meanings and interpretations of this short three-word sentence. Language shapes thought. I’m going to do more research into this and come back to this subject at a later date.

Going to go find a new quote possibly or a different idea entirely!!

Baby bye, bye, bye! (Bye, bye!)

 

 

 

 

Posted in recovery

days 19-21 – circumstantial footprint

Today day 21/March 28

Woke up and was late to the morning meeting at work.
Working – got offered a possible full-time position through the company I’ve been temping (temporarily working [on call as needed] for) with the past three weeks.
My supervisor came up to me at the end of the day, while I was putting the finishing touches on a project I’d stayed late to help complete as it was due to be shipped today, and took me by complete surprise by declaring, “You are awesome.”
I nervously laughed and said dorkily, “Well, much appreciated!”
She went on to say that she finds the way and how I work and figure things out “awesome” and asked if I would be interested in working for their company full-time.
Another lame response from me, “Oh yes very much so.”
She had a laugh at that and we said a few more things in regards to continuing to work there as I completed my task and I thought she was going to hug me for a second but raised her arms above her head and said, “That’s all for you today!! You can get on up outta here!”
My response: “I like the people here” (responding to a previous question from our just had conversation I apparently hadn’t felt I’d adequately answered already) and “Good day.” (don’t worry she probably let herself believe I’d said “Have” as I didn’t say it in some uppity accented way) I left feeling like I had had my first ever conversation in the adult world and had ACED it!! Now I realize I was as delusional as I must have seemed but oh well – they like me! they like me! they really like me!
Came home to see my man off for a new daily couple/few hour fishing trip (my overreacting female brain is waving neon red flags in paranoia just thinking about it) since spring has overtaken winter (keeping my sanity with reasoning). He does invite me but knows I won’t likely go so that reasoning doesn’t help me one way or the other.
Raced around trying to go do an UA but found out my card had a block put on it for my bank’s disbelief that I am willing to pay truthfinder 5 bucks to find out the owner’s names of phone numbers (gotta love this crazy sponge in my head) I find on my boyfriends phone account usage log that I don’t already know (haven’t yet checked out and verified already) so I couldn’t access my monies on said card for an hour after I called putting my money’s availability past the allowed arrival time of pee-ers at my UA place.
Settled in and rewrote an email to my ex Grayson to request the court ordered parenting plan be followed in regards to my visitation as he has been ignoring my compliance and therefore has been withholding my rightful lawfully allotted progression in visitations with Hope for the past nearly 9 months. I had spoken to him about a month ago and he had verbally agreed to solving the issue by giving me more time as soon as he left and moved away from Kimmie this month (he’s been planning and telling me about this plan for the past 9 months so I have been patiently waiting). He went so far as to ask for my help finding places for him to rent which I did as I thought I was doing something beneficial for Hope. He has still not moved and it is the end of the month and I’m not willing to continue waiting and feel I have been a good sport about it and honestly even in my email am still being. I sent it about an hour ago after I knocked out my 6th draft after rewording and editing and simplifying even more so than I had from my previous drafts for nearly 6 hours. The real beauty – he’ll read it in mere seconds and then Kimmie will reply her disapproval (He has admitted that she is the reason behind my visitation not progressing as it should. pathetic bullshit, if you ask me, to allow her any involvement in my relationship with my daughter.) and repeat the argument SHE made previously when denying me progression in my visits 9 months ago that I proved inaccurate numerous times since.
Here let me throw this out there as a question to hopefully be commented on (I am taking my case to an attorney who is from an amazingly successful law firm and does pro bono work helping poor people like me with how to proceed/what to legally do in custody situations to be sure as well before going back to court) there are actually two:
1. If a requisite is stated as a MUST followed by a sentence stating something SHOULD occur is SHOULD a suggestion or a requirement? And if it is a requirement why is it not grouped with the MUST denoted factors before it?
2. Can a judge (unknowingly or knowingly though I hope it was the former) make something that is unattainable and unobtainable a requirement for visitations? This being something impossible to do as no labs in my state test for and therefore no facilities in my state (something passed that made all UA facilities report to in state labs **anyone know what law or regulation I’m referring too??) can supply me with proof of cutoff levels as low as suggested.
3. (thought up another one) Can a custody trial take place at a place outside of both the mother and father’s city of residence when there is a court within reasonable distance of both? It did but I’m curious as to the legality and therefore validity of the decision. I was deemed indigent and because I had no money to pay for transportation to the courthouse 50 miles away I wasn’t even able to attend the trial.
4. Any lawyers reading this out there in internetLand who want to help me out? I do better getting my point across via type versus talk.  I’ll also be posting a story as to how this whole custody scenario was set into motion shortly as well. It is heartbreaking and unbelievable but I’ve very honestly depicted what happened in what I’ve wrote thus far.

Yikes waay beyond my bedtime!!

 

Yesterday (day 20/March 27th) I worked. I went to treatment which was kind of cool because the new counselor took the note I wrote her to heart and kept the information interactive involving the group with questions and allowing for comprehensive answers versus cutting people off per usual AND she gave us paper to write ideas for group topics on or changes in the group we’d like to see. I’d written very plainly the basic gist of what I’ll write it here:
1. This group is lacking since Marty left.
2. He would ask questions about our lives and it brought about a great atmosphere of trust and sharing and comradery amongst us.
3.  We are not retaining any information from you reading unrelatable (or for that matter even relatable) topics to us for the entire 2 hours.
4. I’m no longer finding anything about treatment worthwhile or uplifting and am only showing up because I’m required to.
5. I did enjoy the medicine wheel you did with us last week, keep that up!
So I think my point made it across to her and I felt validated by her NOT just reading and by her requests. However, (geez right never satisfied) I actually really wanted to sleep through treatment yesterday but in attempting to do so a bit just by having my eyes closed (which she, bless her heart, tolerated for the entirety of the group), even though I was still participating and answering questions,  I got myself into trouble and having to be told to sit up and take my feet off of the neighboring seat as I was slouching with my knees folded up to my chest (looking a little too comfortable maybe) so I corrected by scooching backward an inch and extending my legs to where my feet dangled off of the seat with my legs still propped up by the chair.
Yeah I realize it was an asshole move but I was wiped.
Upon arriving home I unclothed down to my underwear and flopped onto the bed (two couches put together since a bed would be a committment!!! and we can’t have any of that) then I called my daughter for our nightly chat and immediately after I hung up I fell asleep. I slept and slept and slept until I was nearly late for work and abruptly woke this morning!!

Tuesday (day 19/March 26)

I woke up late so, as seems to be my pattern lately, I rushed out the door to get to work on time.
I worked.
I drove home from work.
I arrived home and turned on the tv.
I promptly fell asleep.
I woke up to call my daughter.
I fell right back asleep once we ended the call.
I slept without dreams I could recall until I woke up with a few extra minutes to brush my teeth yesterday!! (eww gross!! haha yeah I know I can be)

 

Fare thee well!

 

 

Posted in recovery

day 14 – can you hear me now

I couldn’t stay asleep last night and just got up around 3:30 and sent emails to my boyfriend about what was on my mind.
Rather than try to have verbal discussions about relationship stuff that often turn into disputes (and in neither am I ever satisfied in feeling heard) I now send, often lofty, emails to my boyfriend. He doesn’t respond via email but in person he acknowledges my points and sometimes offers feedback. While I usually start my emails wanting some sort of resolution of an issue or explanations/answers about whatever has me bothered, by the time I’ve finished articulating what is on my mind my desire for dialogue is quashed. I feel heard (I can’t come up with a different verbiage that adequately expresses the same sentiment).
By choosing to take the time to type out all my thoughts, that I would otherwise be trying to verbalize, explain, and bring about a point to, I get to perfect their delivery. I get to express all of my thoughts, feelings, concerns, perspectives, etc. about any topic, situation, feeling, happening ad nauseam and then edit myself. It is therapeutic to do so and I can decide to not send an email after further consideration whereas nothing said can be unsaid. I wish I had implemented this years ago.
I am fortunate in that Alex, my boyfriend, reads them all and will do so with me there if he hasn’t by the time we are with each other again. Knowing he has “heard” everything I wanted to communicate to him is fulfilling and a refreshing change from wondering and reiterating. I thought I would still need, or at least want, a thorough response about his takeaway and feelings in regards to what he had read but I prefer it this way.
Issues that need discussions and/or solutions we chat about throughout the day to day in regular conversation and without as much pressure as forcing an uncomfortable talk or debate. We haven’t gotten it all ironed out yet but it has lessened stress in our relationship thus far so I’m going to continue.

Right now we have some unnecessary tension from the lack of trust and continued dishonesty from him. He is just choosing that he is not going to be honest about certain situations and refusing to explain why he’s doing so or why he is knowingly continuing to hurt me and our relationship. So our relationship is not anything to take advice from; the emailing has just restored a lot of my sanity and peace of mind and reduced stress, so it is beneficial just not the solution to our problem.

I’m keeping on though.
One day at a time.

Onward.

Posted in recovery

day 13 – got this

bumbled mumbo-jumbo jive turkeying outchya chops topsy-turvy

I am beyond exhausted but doing very merrily.

Cause of exhaustion:
Yesterday my Auntie Demi called me to ask a favor which she was embarrassed about but, while it hasn’t been my experience (except with my dad), family should help family if they can so I felt she shouldn’t feel some kind of way about it. She asked if I could loan her the money to buy a pack of smokes. Okay, so not a necessity in life, no, and not really a normal thing to ask someone else for money for but do unto others (even when they don’t unto you) and how could I say no when I knew it wasn’t easy to ask for help especially from a younger relative. I can empathize. So her and her boyfriend came and picked me up and we went to the smoke shop. Along the way it was clear they were having a dispute of sorts and the tension ran high. I got her two packs and offered to put some gas in their tank since her boyfriend was grumbling about the distance to the smoke shop which was round-trip a 15 minute pick up to drop off. They accepted then turned down the offer. It was confusing. To try to help Demi out I suggested she come with me so we could go run a few errands she needed to take care of and that would allow her boyfriend to go home and nap before his night shift. We got back to my place and she said they’d discuss it and she’d let me know in a second.
There was no discussion he just took off when she sat back down in the car. I guess he felt she was going to get more drunk at my alcohol-less apartment hanging out with me and we’d then meet up with guys for sex.
Cut to 3 hours later and I’m getting another call from my auntie and she’s in need of my help – “life or death situation” – and tells me she is moving out of his place, he won’t stop being verbally abusive, and can I go over and help her move her belongings to her car. I agree to helping her and we go back and forth with when and because he still hasn’t slept and needs to, although he is up talking all kinds of shit in the background and doesn’t sound to be stopping anytime soon, I have to wait until 11 pm to go move this stuff. I have to be up at 5 am but do for family and I’d want help if the shoe were on my foot right so I agree.
I stay texting her for a bit since she’s distraught but then take care of my own personal needs expecting that I’ll be done in time to get there by 11.
After some amazing boot-knockin’ I find out she has left his place. I figure, as it is nearly 11 at this point, that that means no moving and she doesn’t get back to me as the clock runs past the meeting time. Of course at 11:30 I get a call and request and promise it will take all of 20 minutes as everything is already packed.
I go and am already beyond ready for bed so I’m expecting to make this happen quickly.
After fighting my phone to direct me there and arriving I see everything is packed and get excited! That hope lasted about 2 minutes until her phone starts chirping out multiple text messages. Understandably they’re from him and she reads them to me and he’s being really mean-spirited. My hope fully died when after reading them to me she decided to call my Nona, her mom, to read her the texts.
I’m too tired to type right now so here’s the gist, as best I can:
I ended up spending the next 5 hours helping her send well thought out text messages (I have to say I’m very proud of her restraint in not reacting to his myriad of manipulative, emotionally raping text messages with upset) to express an end to their relationship (reiteration), his trespasses, and her happiness and appreciation to be moving into a better chapter of her life in leaving the situation. We sent 6 texts to his likely 75 texts.
All the while I am trying to get moving on the moving of her stuff to her car. She just kept putting me off or having me read another text aloud. I tried to leave on a handful of occasions and she made me feel bad and guilty and pleaded with me to stay “just a little longer” each time. I finally HAD to leave for work at 5 am and she nearly tried the same shenanigans but accepted that I needed to go to work.
We moved NOTHING. She never even pulled her car up to the house to be loaded. I left with the impression that she was going to do it herself as she had done mere days before actually and I told her I’d check in hourly to make sure she left before he got home.
She takes my first two calls and then poof she’s unreachable.
I was sincerely worried, she’d expressed being fearful of this dude and said the previous evening he’d kind of stalked her around the apartment and she felt like he was right on the verge of physically assaulting her.
Yeah well the beeyatch text me 5 hours after he would have gotten off work (I was dog tired and still working and had been worrying my whole shift): “I’m good tired.” I had sent her 5 texts begging for some type of response so I could stop worrying and she didn’t even acknowledge it!
Come to find out, yeah you already know, she hadn’t moved shit!!! She was still there with him. I love and adore Demi but am feeling some type of way about her duping me into hanging out with her during my sleep-time with this “life or death situation” of moving out of an abusive situation that she remained in. She took my sleep.
Now she’s saying she’s got to get out of there tonight and I told her good luck and I’ll be sleeping.

Bye, Felicia

Posted in recovery

day 12 – making baby steps

I am wanting to focus on the positive more and also make real steps (not yet willing to do the 12 steps) forward in my sobriety. Part of doing so is being more active on this blog and my goal for this week is to post an update on my sobriety at least once daily AND to get two very true anecdotes added to my thus far empty “Maze of Addiction (Stories of a Dope Fiend)” category!!
Bravo, patting myself on the back, for the creation of an achievable goal. Starting the day off in the right direction.

My gratitude list:
1. My daughters (they’re amazing in every way)
2. My boyfriend (support and love)
3. My dad (support and love)
4. God (we’re working on our relationship, mostly my faith)
5. My temp job (having me working still)
6. My car (thanks dad!)
7. My life (waking up to another day is an under-appreciated gift)
8. My apartment (been homeless so always grateful)
9. My mom (surprisingly so after so many years of not)
10. My health (mental and physical doing alright)

And now I must run to work as I’m setting myself up to be running behind by continuing to type! More soon!