Posted in recovery

seLf worth

My inner demon is holding me back from a lot right now and is really pissing me off but I’m struggling to overcome my fear of rejection. I’ve been rejected by the dude I’m with regularly for the last year and now he’s completely rejecting me and deciding to move out and be done with me in a few weeks time, probably…. more games and fuckery and I hate it and I should be the one getting the heck out of this “relationship” because I know that I deserve better – honestly ANY person deserves better than the mental and psychological manipulation and abuse I’ve been going through even a shitty person.. More importantly I finally found a career path I excel at and absolutely love and I have the bestest friend in the entire world who “helped” (I think I’d have had to contribute to classify it as such but to be real she completely wrote my resume and cover letter, beautifully I must say) me revamp my resume and taught me what a cover letter it!! but *dun dun dun* I’m so scared of being turned down I get sick every time I go to finalize the few details left on the resume and put in the application!!

And I know I have NO chance of getting the job if I don’t try. Trust, you me, I keep reminding myself of this even out loud to other people! I know I am capable and I know I can do the job and I will be able to bumble through an interview and the place I am at is referring me and recommending me but I’m frozen with fear. The DV charges (that were eventually dismissed) that dude brought on me to keep control of the “relationship” after he’d physically abused me and was more of the abuser in the first situation he called on and the second I was half asleep and the cops had him put my shoes on my feet and tie them (I’m sorry but my hundred pound 5′ tall behind can’t hurt a grown buff man who can choke me up against the wall using just his fingers!! and if I was some abuser WHY would they put him near my kickers!! lolol) and in both scenarios the police reports said he had not a single mark on him (I live in a state where if the cops are called for DV someone has to go to jail) BUT my point is that that could get me NOT hired when they run my background. I don’t want to find out I CAN’T work in the profession I finally found that is a fit for me!

I’m getting sleepy and apparently needed to type this out in order to get to this point because it is relieving. So thank you for listening [reading] and have, or are having, a very wonderful Tuesday!!

I may be homeless again here real soon and that will devastate my girls and me which makes me sick all day every day lately but as much as I want to curl in a ball and die I am pushing forward and know I’ll be stronger and better for whatever ends up happening.

Happiness is a choice and bygolly I am trying to choose it through and through… if it would just stay still for a minute maybe I could convince it to stay..

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.eight – …

I'm tired.
I didn't get hired.
Got a new job.
It starts at 2:15 in the am.
Glad to have a job.
Sad that it is the worst shift.
Still sober.
Trying hard.

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

Andy Warhol

It is difficult to stay sober. I have no energy and getting high I have an abundance of energy, while I’m high but the aftermath is so much sleep and being unmotivated. I’ve decided I need to give some spirituality a chance, say hi and thank you to God more often. I know it gave me a lot of energy and desire to do things the time I got clean and stayed clean for a year and a month. It was so easy then and I don’t get why it is so hard this time around. I think that making it through a month will bring about change in my motivation a bit as well as chatting with God. One can hope!
I’ve got lots of wisdom in how to stay sober and I’m not using the essentials. I need to go to meetings. I need to wake up and do some things productive; I did so today and I feel a bit better than yesterday. I need to be honest, this lying my way to graduating from treatment is starting to catch up with me. For now I’m taking it one day at a time. It is what I can and am doing right now. Staying clean for the minutes as they come. Staying up on my blog is something I want to get better about as I get out of this funk-if I get out of this funk, I never know if its withdrawals or my medications…or both is probably the case.
Happiness, motivation, and energy – that is all I want!
I’m way past my bedtime but struggling to sleep because I slept too much during the day. Go figure, when I need to sleep I can’t!! Haha. Such is life.

Posted in recovery

Day 4-10 – m.i.a. oops

I slept. I went to work from 6:00 am to 2:30 pm and then I came home and went straight to sleep until the following morning. That is the comedown from methamphetamine – a lot of sleeping. Thankfully not much else for withdrawal effects otherwise; a little depression usually but not so much this time around, or at least yet.

I did have to deal with a coworker (another temp) being spun (high as a kite) all week and he is definitely not a functioning addict. I kept having to wake him up – when you OD yourself on meth, especially shooting it (using needles), you can be so high you fall asleep. That is actually the extent of a meth OD unless you have a heart attack or stroke but for whatever reason is isn’t considered an overdose then, probably because that can happen anytime you use an upper not just in cases of OD. I actually lost a decent friend from a heart attack after using methamphetamine – he snorted it which that and shooting it you’re more likely and able to OD whereas smoking it you can’t really, I couldn’t see how at least. Anyway dude was having to be woken up and he was telling the bosses that he was hearing voices so I took him to get an energy drink on break and tell him he was making it really apparent he was high. I think the energy drink helped wake him up that day but he went home early and I’m pretty sure lost his job anyway since it was the second time leaving early because of the same issue. It kind of blows my mind how it isn’t apparent to sober people, well normal (non-addict) sober people at least, when someone is spun out of their minds. This guy is literally telling people he’s hearing voices (people talking shit apparently) and pointing to the ceiling when asked from where and not sent home or to do a UA?! But I guess there are people, like myself, with schizophrenia (mines mixed with bipolar so scizoaffective disorder rather) who hear voices when not on medication so they can’t necessarily judge from that alone. Still he was obviously spun for the entire week and asking me aloud, and I mean loudly aloud, if he seemed spun and then if I thought he was high because of his track marks being visible the day before, again loudly for the entire table to hear. Boggles the mind. It also made me question if I’m really functioning when I use or just believe so myself, but then I realized I went more than a year without anyone being the wiser and only gave myself away by pulling my shirt sleeves up too high one day and then that only gave away my heroin use. I never knew people shot meth until I did so myself though so I understand why that wasn’t apparent.

So my week consisted of sleeping, working, and babysitting a meth user.

I feel pretty okay, no depression, yet and hopefully not to come. I’m still craving and haven’t gone a day without planning my next relapse. I’ve got UAs to take that have kept actually relapsing at bay but I don’t know about afterwards. I know I need to stay clean, but I really don’t WANT to. That, I do believe, is the problem, I may not be ready to quit yet and until I am its not going to stick, I know that is true at least of me. I SHOULD be ready, I NEED to be ready, I HAVE EVERY REASON to be ready, I WANT to be ready, I just don’t think I am yet. Where my bottom is is beyond me because I’ve been SO LOW in life, I lost my kids which was devastating and demoralizing to say the least, because of using so why wasn’t that enough – that actually got me to get higher… But NOW I have my head about me – medicated for my scizoaffective disorder and sober the majority of the time – AND I WANT MY LIFE BETTER. Plus getting my youngest back, since I’ve been able to get my oldest back already but could lose that at any time with using, is based on my sobriety. I’m able to lie my way through all that and bullshit my UA results and stay in compliance with treatment even while using… Not benefiting me at all and, again, it won’t until I am ready to quit. So I am currently trying to get myself to the point where I am ready to quit NOW and stay quit.

I don’t want to. At all. But I do. Go figure that out, eh? I’m sure trying to.

Just keep swimming swimming swimming… What do we do we swim, swim, swim…