I miss her everyday.
My girls have been through so much turmoil in the past few years because of my poor choices and addiction. Still today I was amazed, touched, and reminded of what is truly important when I read the inscriptions on their cards they gave me.
I was so touched and elated, and surprised. I rarely get to see her and was worried that she was growing away from me but how excited she was about the phrases and words she used to describe me showed me our bond is as strong, maybe even stronger, as it always was. This little girl makes me so happy, her exuberance for life is inspiring.
This sweet, strong, beautiful child makes me so proud. She admits, I knew it had been so I asked once it had passed, she hated me for the first year after all the upheaval happened in our lives because she was hearing horrible things about me regularly. Our bond and connection now is even more unbreakable than ever for it. She’s my mini-me and just makes this world a better place to live in.
I am such a lucky mom. My children have forgiven me and never stopped loving me (Riley only hated me because she was hurt by me, her mom, and that is all out of love) even though I messed up so big time. I don’t tell my kids everything but I admit my mistakes in age appropriate ways and make sure they never forget that they are my favorite part of life.
I feel trapped.
It is like I know the right things to do but the wrong thing keeps pulling me back in.
I’ve been addicted to something since I was 15 and started smoking cigarettes and weed.
Then it was alcohol.
Then it was pain medication, prescribed (haha then not prescribed if I ran out).
Then it was a giant leap into heroin.
I beat all the other addictions.
I feel unmotivated.
The longest I’ve been sober is one year and one month in 18 years.
I was on fire!
I loved life clean.
Since I couldn’t handle my emotions I turned back to my old pal meth.
For years it had obliterated all pain for me.
It was accessible and I knew it would numb the madness.
I backslid on my medications, too.
I feel incomplete.
8 months of a back and forth game.
I’m ready for it to stop.
I’m working on it one day at a time, or hour, or moment.
But it’s calling my name.
It’s driving me insane.
I’m grieving my addiction as I fight to stay clean.
My addiction got me through the hardest parts of my life.
They are still ongoing and it’s difficult to face them.
I feel overwhelmed.
No one said it would be easy.
Actually everyone said it would be hard.
I’ve accepted my horrid mistake to start using again.
Finally, no more guilt or blame or anger or shame.
So that is helping.
I got through losing a job the day after getting clean.
I’m working a crazy schedule and I’m doing it!
I feel hopeful.
Working through my issues one step at a time.
pic by nali
Have a great day filled with happiness!
My brain already went out to LackadaisicalWhimsy about an hour ago and I enjoyed typing that up.
And that is pretty much all there is to my Sunday.
I’m still in my sleepwear.
Have since applied jeans to my legs.
12 sTeP AcroNYMS
- GOD : Good Orderly Direction :: Following the guidance of your Higher Power
- EGO : Edging God Out :: Trying to do things MY way and needing to do God’s will
- FEAR : False Evidence Appearing Real :: Fear is an illusion and not real
- KISS : Keep It Simple, Stupid :: Work smarter not harder
- HOPE : Hearing Other People’s Experiences :: Feeling not alone. Listening is an art.
- FINE : Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional :: You read my mind
i’M hAVING aNXIETY oVER mY nEW aNXIETY
A weird feeling: It is never enough but always too much.
Constantly feeling unsatisfied.
It isn’t how I feel usually but am experiencing some anxiety from it right now.
Constantly isn’t the correct word because while it is a constant on my nerves at this moment this is a new type of anxiety for me.
I don’t do enough anything.
Usually I am very happy with me but I don’t feel good in my skin right now.
A certainty of uncertainty.
Avoidance forever or how long will I hold onto my own idiocy.