Until just recently I hadn’t heard that saying to “feel your feels [feelings]” and I overheard my daughter, Riley, telling her boyfriend that she understood that that was what he was doing and my amazing 12 year old empowered her counterpart to do so however he needed and she would be there for him. My girl is showing empathy! There are a lot of other emotions and hormonal scatterbrain going on in her preteen years so for her to be learning and embracing the complexities of empathy is impressive. She was unaware of the word or action and we had a great discussion on it and her usage and my pride in her last night.
I would say I “struggle” with empathy but that is a lie I know how to be empathetic I would just rather cut the cord of bullshit and get down to the brass tact of the issue. I teach my kids empathy, I know it is important in being a good person to be empathetic, I often am empathetic to an extent but, what is the saying, those who can’t do, teach? Joking, joking. I just have no appetite for listening to someone knowingly lie to themselves to feel better in a situation where they were wrong and know it but are expecting support for their delusions. I’ll admit, some people are further down the rabbit hole of deluding themselves and may not realize when they are in the wrong, those who are the perpetual victim.
But, this is not about them, and that is the heart of the problem with my no nonsense approach to analyzing and/or “helping” in situations (when I’m asked to, I no longer just throw my two cents around except sometimes with coworkers), I’m not sensitive to the other person’s self-denial. I also don’t like to be bullshitted. I can and do bullshit my way around some situations in life that I don’t feel like dealing with but that doesn’t bring about resolution it just placates my ego. It is likely that more often than not I am making a true ass out of myself in talking circuitously instead of taking responsibility and people are just unwilling to call me out on it. So that is what I do for the betterment of everyone.
I would love (and hate in the moment as has been the case) if people would call me on my bullshit. One of my favorite people in the world is my dad and good, bad, or indifferent he has taught me the art of bullshitting; he is also the person I can trust to not play into my self-denial and will call me on the carpet every time. That I love! That I need! So that is also what I do, not always, I know when someone is not ready for self-actualization and don’t push it but I try to make it understood that we can be honest and have a real discussion, no judgement.
Empathy is about the other person, I know, and I am not being selfless as is needed to hone this interpersonal skill but I also know (ego! alert) I am making a positive difference. Yeah I can’t bullshit myself, my dad believes I am a sociopath and I tend to agree I have some tendencies leaning that direction, many people prefer to stay deluded and just be agreed with which is their right so long as they don’t ask my advice.
My aunt Demi is a beautiful, kindhearted train wreck. When we first got back into contact regularly a few months back she learned quickly and brutally that I wouldn’t cosign her bullshit. She still tries it with me and come to find out she doesn’t always see her fault (so she says) and I help her see, so see I’m helping. I’m cynical because I know that I know when I’m wrong even if I will steadfastly play the role of the victim. I do also forget that other people’s minds don’t work the same as mine, as mine doesn’t work the same as other people’s all the time.
My boyfriend has a buddy that will cosign ALL his bullshit and then write another check and it is sickening to witness. When he asked if it was okay that he was planning to ghost me after three years ol’ boy said with all he had done for me over that time it was perfectly understandable and he was the good person in the situation and always had been. Alex talks to him a lot less after I pointed it out because that is not a friend, that is an enabler.
I stayed in self-denial about my fault in losing my girls and still sometimes forget to remember my part. My dad kept me honest throughout though and let me hide in my bullshit only after I admitted my responsibility. That is love and true friendship to me.
So this is a bit of a character defect, or is it? I think it’s on the fence because my intentions are good in wanting to help someone get to the crutch of the issue but a bit selfish in not allowing them to decide when to process their own bullshit. Really if they ask I think it is my right to give my honest opinion but is it right?
I’ve only had a few truly devastating and traumatic situations in my life so I only know from those that I prefer tough love and brutal honesty to commiseration. I also don’t process all emotions. Until today I could not wrap my brain around anger, it just seemed nonsensical and counterproductive to a positive outcome but after reading the reasoning for a person’s experience of anger earlier I gained a bit of understanding as to why people get angry.
Always learning. I realize empathy can be used for sharing all different feelings and emotions through another person’s experience with them. I am just ranting about the enabling kind with a specific kind of people that I have run into a lot throughout life so it seems common and hopefully is relatable. It could also speak to the company I’ve always kept!
My character defects: bullshitting, lying, avoidance, selfishness, pride, ego, manipulation, self-aggrandizing, impatience,
My addict behaviors (also the top 5 expected): lying, manipulation, criminality, blame shifting, and verbal abuse.
I’m a pretty honest person. Hot damn! that is a lie. Definitely not where my addiction is concerned. Every time I use I have to make and take texts or phone calls that I will need to sanitize from my phone (making me a hypocrite because I expect my boyfriend not to do just that) after the deal is completed. My whereabouts for the lost time spent scoring are also a lie or usually a well-timed execution so that no one noticed my absence and thus I omit. Then every time I actually consume the drug, if I don’t wait until I am home alone, I make up some excuse or another for going to the store so I can use in my car down the block. Back when I shot up I could just go into the restroom of anywhere and do my thing. Smoking is a pain because, while my boyfriend disagrees, I believe meth has a smell and heroin for sure did, it creates smoke and pipes or sheets of foil are not easy to quickly hide inconspicuously. Every time I’ve attempted to hide either I have been caught red-handed. The boyfriend finding my rigs (needles) after going through my purse was the only way I got caught on that front. I am NOT promoting the use of needles – I wish I NEVER had and NEVER will again (I may relapse but am NOT going back to that insane method of drug use – I should have died so many times) and am beyond lucky to be alive after having done so. I am a liar, not to you, I’m honest with you and that is one of the difficult things about blogging my sobriety including my fuck ups because even though I don’t know you it is humiliating. I don’t actively lie in my sobriety I just omit certain things that I wouldn’t appreciate the boyfriend doing to me that I am doing (yeah I see the hypocrisy and the asshole I am) like messaging with a sober friend (who is male and therein lies the problem). See I know I am not doing anything wrong but I’m not doing something right. I just appreciate the support and attention! yeah. Alex and I have an agreement that we don’t participate in any form of relationship (friendship included) with members of the opposite sex because there is no good reason why we would need validation or attention from someone that is not the two of us. Its flawed thinking but it is a respect thing that we agree on. Thankfully he doesn’t do social media and I’m a super sleuth of all things cell phone so I am unworried, he got caught when he tried to step outside the terms and has been on good behavior since. Oh yeah we were talking about ME the liar. Other than that facebook contact and the occasional check-in by old friends on facebook I don’t hide anything else. Oh but back to being high I also have to pretend to be sober, rarely do I believe I fool Alex and probably Joke’s on me! thinking I’m fooling anybody else. Lying is painful though it rots a pit in your gut and the only way to cure that is through the agony of admitting the truth! I’ve done so though. After I got sober for my decent length of sobriety before the October relapse I admitted all my wrongs and lies to Alex. This guy is awesome-sauce staying with me after I admitted to pawning all his valuable jewelry among a bevy of other trespasses and lies. What a freaking guy!
Before moving onto my manipulation I thought I’d address the big purple elephant bouncing in the corner: I realize that by my not being honest in my relationship I am creating the mistrust I hate. If I can keep him in the dark then of course he’s probably got some shadow over me and even if that is not the case that is what I do believe. I feel kind of indifferent about it because he did who-knows-what with that female I caught him talking inappropriately to. I’m still so hurt by that that I’ll blame shift all day long! But yeah I see the cycle and don’t like that I am perpetuating it. Not proud of any of my pettiness.
I can bullshit my way through most situations high or sober, I am a bullshitter – it is a family trait passed down on my father’s side and it hasn’t skipped a generation or child in our family yet! Which yes I understand entails lying but it is smooth wordplay and if done right everyone walks away feeling like a winner. My bullshitting ways took a drug addled left turn to become manipulation right before my very eyes. I didn’t even realize I was doing it but I usually get what I want so the change wasn’t apparent. And then I did something I am super ashamed of but can never make unhappen – I threatened to commit suicide if Alex didn’t stay home from work with me. Ugh. Blah. Spit. Then I started seeing how I was playing on many people’s emotions and kindness to keep getting what I wanted when I wanted it. Alex got the worst of it. I was the master of guilt and could make a person feel bad for doing something good. My “friends” (other addicts) tried and failed to manipulate me while I was pulling their strings. And I felt what I was doing was okay! Now I get that it is abusive to manipulate someone and sometimes have to work hard not to – I did it for more than two weeks so it because a habit. The lawyer I used that screwed me over told me that I should be Trump’s spokeswoman because I could give Sarah Sanders (his actual spokeswomen) a run for her money in spinning truths. I base every exaggeration, lie, or spun truth on the truth because outright lying is too hard to keep straight. I am proud of my powers of persuasion!
A criminal? Who me? Never! and she lies again (just a joke I’m honest with you!). So I’m over thirty and have a nearly clean record. I’d gotten a possession of paraphernalia (I spelled that letter-twister right the first time!) for marijuana charge right after I turned 18 and a MIP Minor in Possession charge at 19 (alcohol). What a rebel I was! Yeah, not really but I did get away with a lot more I could have been in trouble for. Then, however, I got homeless. In order to get drugs, we would boost stuff that Mick (my dealer) wanted to pay for them so that got me started shoplifting. I really liked shoplifting; it made a lot more sense to me to just take what I wanted rather than pay for it. I liked it so much so that when I finally had money and started buying things again I had a hard time. I still could steal a lot of what I buy but I don’t have that meth-confidence that gave me the gumption to walk out the door without paying. I mostly stole gifts for my girls and jewelry – they have since taken the jewelry completely out of the Fred Meyer I would shoplift the fashion jewelry from. I’d forgotten about how I got started stealing until I remembered, mere moments ago, what I shared with you. Around the same time as the boosting for drugs campaign while I was homeless I stepped up my unlawful game and stepped into the world of prostitution. For about two weeks I sold myself through sex or a blow job more often than not. It is a surreal endeavor that I do not recall much of. I had a couple regulars, well men who wanted to be my regulars if I’d continued, who paid me very well. My excuse was that I had never enjoyed sex (true story save for 2 occasions) and had been having it for free for years so why not get paid for my displeasure. I carried bags and a backpack so I looked like some high school kid strolling down the street at ungodly hours. I don’t think the police were trying to stop the prostitution as it was an area known for it and I didn’t get stopped once. I found it weird, also, that I just wore regular clothes (and I don’t dress at all slutty quite the opposite) and had a three car back up at one point. Not proud, not ashamed, leaving my unsettling choices there in the past where they belong.
I wasn’t a big blame shifter but I did do my fair share during the custody cases. Trust you me it was not that I was on drugs and not willing to go to rehab that it all blew up in my face nope nosiree, it actually wasn’t they didn’t base it off of that but it definitely wouldn’t have hurt. The courts went off of a few stories Grayson made up to scare my family into being on his side but weren’t in any way true and the other lies he told throughout the court proceedings. I didn’t help my case by continuing to use though and know I allowed for his lies to be seen as possible with my action or inaction or both. I’ve accepted most everything and do take responsibility for my use but there are some things I’ll never agree with. And I take and took the blame for where I am at in life and know it is my decisions that have gotten me here. I’m pretty happy here, now, so I’m going to stay that way by not delving too deep into this blame shifting business,
Last but definitely not my least is verbal abuse. Get me high and give a cell phone with the ability to text as much as I want as many times as I want and numbers for the people guilty of getting involved in my life unasked and taking my kids from me. I can twist words into knives and convince a person to stab themselves with them. I’m a much better manipulator when I’m not on the spot and can edit my commentary. Words are my most powerful weapon and I utilized this during my addiction. I was superior and knew more than anyone else or could at least make it sound like I did. Alex had to deal with a lot of verbal abuse spewed at him at all hours and with no regard to him working hard every day to keep us going. I was an awful jackass to him for a bit while I was getting high. I can honestly say that I was a piece of crap as an addict for a period as most of these things were overlapping on my timeline.
Admitting my shit to you is a lot harder than I expected it to be on this one.
I haven’t been lying but I haven’t been being honest either.
Playing games that I hate, to avoid asking for help or whatever it is that I need of you, my reader.
sO that happened.
picKed up this past Thursday.
4 days totaL oFF scRipt
feeling ashamed and foolish
it is me who is fucking my shit up for me
AND WHY? because I wanted more energy back right now, I didn’t want to do the work. I’ve got to do the work.
ADMITTING IT NOW because I’m ready to do sobeR again NOW and need to NOW.
i am maKing a conscious effort to NOT hit up micK and need to throw out the pipe i bought to utilize as soon as it is all gONe.
aDDict me: caNNot toss any doPe in the trash :: will make certain dONe and gONe before beD tONight.
typINg like its a RaNsOM noTe because iT iS — my dopefiend aSS is holding my sobrieTy hostage from mYself.
RaNsOM? reaLLy beiNg reaDy and waNting to quiT and sTay quiT.
There is the rub – am I and do I?
I want to be ready and I don’t want to stress over and lie about what I am doing anymore. In order for me to be honest I have to stay sober, high me lies for no reason.
The idea of not using ever again seems preposterous but that is future tripping and not helpful. I like to get high and that isn’t changing (even while making myself sick knowingly smoking too much so that it will deter me)…and liking to do something I shouldn’t do is not reasonable argument for doing it.
I cannot forget that I am a master manipulator and I am fantastic at convincing myself to do the wrong thing and brilliantly justify my bad behavior BUT have been being honest with myself way more so and pretty brutally.
Already planning my relapse for after I’ve gained ten pounds back Yowza doing this off script may make the actions I do within this chaos more attainable because I’m already overwhelming myself.
pLan for beTTermenT of liFe
daiLy uPdates :: monTh.Day (0.1, 0.2, 0.3 then 1,1, 1.2, 1.3, etc. ) – poSt titLe
focus at least 1 paragraph/4 sentences to checking in about recovery and/or
create template/layout with questions to check in on daily
weekLy goaLs :: cReate new caTegory (StoP tYping LiKe aN aSShoLe NOW) post every
Monday so I can start today :: 2 goal minimum
get BigBook back out and pg 78? every morning …not likely but need to try different ideas.
Medications NIGHTLY and put GAB and some Prozac in car for high anxiety days. (Reduce trazadone on weekends and possibly during week
Set up a check list to document and keep accountable.
Honestly identify and document relapse triggers (ex. weight gain) and what to do rather than use (bullshit I know I wont do) THE RUB!
Brainstorm Ideas for actions/activities to keep me ACTIVELY sober.
Point: I am very focused on using when I’m in ACTIVE addiction but haven’t been being ACTIVE in my sobriety when I am sober. The more I focus on not using is just more time spent focusing on meth. I need to focus on BEING SOBER first. Staying sober will come after I can learn to be sober first.
I admitted all to Alex as well. Continue honesty even if I slip I need to be forthcoming when it happens not later. The real thing to do is bring it up before I pick up because I know and plan my relapses now that I’ve been on the 2-3 weeks gripping the wagon and 1-2 weeks bailing out the back and going on a binge for the past 5 months.
Telling someone I am planning to use before picking up is the correct thing to do but that is me choosing not to use (asking to be talked out of it) and therein lies the issue.
I do not know how to stop wanting to get high. I know it takes time. This last 20 days that I made it up until Thursday I wasn’t craving using so much as I was wanting to have energy. I had been starting to be awake for an hour or two after work toward the end. Life doesn’t have time for my body to readjust my sleep schedule but I have to make time and remember that every time I pick up again all that time my body spent healing is flushed with another couple days added to the length of time I’ll be dead to the world.
Goals, count-up widget for 30 days, google app for sobriety count, lose bEck’s number, vent through blogging, get out of bed by 530 every am, lay out clothes night prior,
I could use all the help i can get so any suggestions, ideas, critiques, etc. comment or contact me perty please!!
This blog is saving my ass because I was going to re-up tonight and just keep up the charade until I was ready to face it but definitely put that off for a while. Then I read a couple blog posts that really affected me to a core part of myself that I thought died when Grayson abducted my girls and everything went to hell overnight lit up a bit. Today, though, I was flooded with feelings of empathy, for a minute I let myself care for real, and I for a quick thirty seconds I felt a little rush of hope. I’d have gotten more meth if not for those small but huge mini-emotional breakthroughs. No idea why today but very grateful for it and should maybe put a little faith out there in working on things in my sobriety.
Off to set me some goals and create an outline. Any and all ideas welcomed.
I couldn’t stay asleep last night and just got up around 3:30 and sent emails to my boyfriend about what was on my mind.
Rather than try to have verbal discussions about relationship stuff that often turn into disputes (and in neither am I ever satisfied in feeling heard) I now send, often lofty, emails to my boyfriend. He doesn’t respond via email but in person he acknowledges my points and sometimes offers feedback. While I usually start my emails wanting some sort of resolution of an issue or explanations/answers about whatever has me bothered, by the time I’ve finished articulating what is on my mind my desire for dialogue is quashed. I feel heard (I can’t come up with a different verbiage that adequately expresses the same sentiment).
By choosing to take the time to type out all my thoughts, that I would otherwise be trying to verbalize, explain, and bring about a point to, I get to perfect their delivery. I get to express all of my thoughts, feelings, concerns, perspectives, etc. about any topic, situation, feeling, happening ad nauseam and then edit myself. It is therapeutic to do so and I can decide to not send an email after further consideration whereas nothing said can be unsaid. I wish I had implemented this years ago.
I am fortunate in that Alex, my boyfriend, reads them all and will do so with me there if he hasn’t by the time we are with each other again. Knowing he has “heard” everything I wanted to communicate to him is fulfilling and a refreshing change from wondering and reiterating. I thought I would still need, or at least want, a thorough response about his takeaway and feelings in regards to what he had read but I prefer it this way.
Issues that need discussions and/or solutions we chat about throughout the day to day in regular conversation and without as much pressure as forcing an uncomfortable talk or debate. We haven’t gotten it all ironed out yet but it has lessened stress in our relationship thus far so I’m going to continue.
Right now we have some unnecessary tension from the lack of trust and continued dishonesty from him. He is just choosing that he is not going to be honest about certain situations and refusing to explain why he’s doing so or why he is knowingly continuing to hurt me and our relationship. So our relationship is not anything to take advice from; the emailing has just restored a lot of my sanity and peace of mind and reduced stress, so it is beneficial just not the solution to our problem.
I’m keeping on though.
One day at a time.
I am lost. I know what not to do but stopping myself is difficult. I realize I should be reminding myself of all the reasons NOT to pick up: my kids, my health, because its a drug that is not good for my mind or my body, mainly my kids!!!, keeping my promises, being able to be honest about everything with the people in my life that mean so much to me, there is more I know but those are what I can come up with at the moment. It’s especially hard to think of reasons not to with the devil snickering at my reasons on my shoulder, no angel for me it seems. I know that is a choice not to hear my conscience as it is always there and I’m choosing to ignore the good voice.
It really matters to be ready to be ready to quit. I swear I am but I feel like I am still going to use and planning my relapses – maybe that is normal but when I quit before and it stuck for a decent amount of time I didn’t have that. I didn’t even crave it I was just done, I want that back!! So I’m going to take this a different way and just accept that it is part of quitting a intensely addictive drug like methamphetamine. I SO love being high and I went and relapsed and kept getting high every couple weeks and then I just finished a ten day binge so I have to realize that I am going to struggle, last time was a blessing but it didn’t stick anyway right? I believe my excuse for relapse was legit – did I tell it already? I know excuses are like assholes, everybody’s got one – especially for relapses. But here might as well share since I’m trying to give a clear picture of my life during, after, and in between active addiction.
excuse reason (I take accountability for my relapse not trying to justify it just clarify what led up to it so not excusing my relapse): I hadn’t felt the overwhelmingly shitty emotions that I felt in October 2018 within my time sober and the way I had handled bad shit in my life was to numb myself by getting high so I made an inexcusably idiotic choice to relapse to run from feeling.
Let me explain: I didn’t know how to handle the betrayal I felt when I found out my boyfriend was talking to a female behind my back and actively hiding it while nightly going to the casino where he’d met her with his maps timeline saying he had been there for a whole 5 minutes but hadn’t stayed but had instead turned off his location (or was driving in a perfectly straight line for hours).
(Yeah I will accept that I am overbearing a bit by asking to see his timeline but he was lying to me AND I don’t believe there should be secrets in a relationship. I justify my nosiness and stand by my right to be so with someone I’ve been with for 3 years and is acting shady [he was making his deception painfully apparent]. And as I’ll explain in the stories of my addiction part of my blog, not by any means as out of line as I now realize my spywareing his phone was…yeah I’m not proud of myself as I once was for my snooping [while high mind you, yeah excuses, I know!] but I learned a lot from it – like not to do it again which I’ve successfully failed at along the way a bit…lots to explain but not here.)
((Another side note and part of my justification: I’m transparent with him, just so ya know, and he knows my passwords and has unfettered access to my phone and computer.))
Back to the excuse to relapse: He swears that, while my timeline tracks me perfectly and I’m on a cheap network compared to his T-Mobile, it just isn’t accurate. Yeah so more lame lies there. Anyway, he had been regularly texting this female for 4 days when I decided to check (and I’d been sober for a while so I’d stopped any sort of snooping until this really apparent change in behavior) and see what he was hiding. I confronted him about it after asking to, and being allowed, to see his phone and finding out that he was in fact deleting texts and phone calls between him and this female.
(So I can stop beating around the bush, I’m embarrassed is the thing, I checked his phone usage on his phone’s online account where it shows all text messages and phone calls placed and received among other things. I still feel justified but I know it isn’t normal to do thus my reluctance to tell on myself. I feel fine with my admission now – comments of “psycho female” are expected and not discouraged lmao I’d like to hear anyone’s opinion of any of what I share it’s part of why I’m blogging – perspective.)
I asked him about this discrepancy, came right out and told him what I knew and (I had blocked my number and called so I knew the owner of the number being conversated [not a word but you get it] with.) that I knew he had deleted it. I explained that I was feeling really ill-at-ease with what I’d found and would appreciate an explanation of why he was doing these things (talking to another female AND deleting the interactions).
He laughed at me. He said I was all wrong and that he had lent his phone to a coworker (4 days and over 50 texts a day plus long phone calls) and that I was being ridiculous and insecure. He mocked me! He told me, prior to the coworker excuse, that I was going to feel “really stupid” when I found out the truth about this situation and laughed at me some more. THEN, he accused me of being high and paranoid (I wasn’t until the next day – high not paranoid I only get paranoid when I smoke marijuana.) and said my facial expression proved it since I was clenching my jaw with anger that he…fuck explaining his excuse for accusing me he did it to throw me off his actions and he was wrong and had no real reason for his accusation besides being caught in his own bullshit.
It gets worse before it gets better as he continued trying to get away with his indiscretion, it doesn’t really get better at any point actually just an all around shitty situation. He decides he wants to take a drive and discuss it further there once he realized I’m not buying into his bullshit and I’m not budging on my desire to be told the TRUTH about what was going on.
This is where it gets ridiculous – his explanation about these hidden interactions:
So I don’t know why his ex-wife was brought up but for some reason she was and her name is Mary. When I asked what this other females name was, right after whatever discussion was happening to distract me was over, he told me Marilyn. He did say it probably wasn’t her real name, why he thought it wasn’t real unless she was hooker (and that could well be the case being he met her at the casino where they look for johns) ugh that sucks. It makes a lot of sense with how we met – I’ll get to that in stories too, sorry for all of the cliffhangers but it’s all worth the wait, you’ve probably figured out whats what from context anyway ;). So now this “Marilyn” (I can’t not put it in quotes at this point, I even use air quotes when it is talked about) and he met at the casino while he was playing she sat down next to him and he saw she was wearing a lot of jewelry and he was selling some MEN’S GOLD CHAINS that he got from some shady dealing or other so he thought to offer this FEMALE the chains and “went and got them from the car to show her” (I believe that now to mean they went to the car and he got head for $36 dollars [amount explained momentarily haha]) and supposedly brought these MEN’S GOLD CHAINS in for this FEMALE to possibly purchase.
I need to add that he repeatedly kept telling me “I didn’t cheat” although I hadn’t and didn’t ask even once if he had and finally told him that he was making it seem like he was feeling really guilty of cheating by continuing to refute an unasked question.
That explanation happens to get even better a couple days later but after telling me this awesome excuse for why he had gotten her number – to follow up on her buying these – and why they had been in touch – 50 text messages in ONE DAY for her to tell him (must have been repetitively) why she was without the funds to do so but was still planning to; their discussions, according to the caught liar who continued to lie himself into a steaming pile of unbelievable shit, were “about her son, her mother, and her car.”
He also tried to congratulate himself on having brought me up to her because she has a Mercedes that is broke down and I drive a Mercedes but I didn’t care for him talking to her about me anymore than I appreciated his lies.
Now I desperately WANTED to believe that he wasn’t lying to cover his lies and that he was speaking the truth, how I was making this make any sense in my head is beyond me, and nearly believed him – I HAD to believe him for him to NOT BE LYING TO ME! I think it was made worse by how poorly he was lying and that he didn’t put any (and even made his lying more apparent) effort into making his lies believable. Anyway he had pulled the wool over my eyes for the time being and we returned home and had sex (gotta keep him satisfied so he doesn’t go elsewhere to “Marilyn,” right? Yeah, I know I’m pathetic) and went to bed.
Now I had LOTS of questions to followup with the next day. After turning things over in my head and recounting the amount of messages and discovering that he was still in contact with her after saying he would not have anymore contact with her, I was no longer feeling so convinced of the whole MEN’S GOLD CHAINS being attempted to be sold to a FEMALE and that even if it were true there was no necessity for days of multiple phone calls and texts. To top off my suspicion of his fictional recounting of the necessity and substance of this communication he, I swear it hand to GOD, gave me a new explanation of how they met!
Yeah, the next day or the one after that, he came into the living room and announced, very triumphantly, that she had actually offered to sell him an apple watch for, bet you guessed it, 36 dollars (supposedly the remainder of the cash he had on hand is what he offered, my take, again, is that this payment was for a blowjob but I’ll likely never know)!! Now, this was the new way they started the conversation and the new reason for getting her phone number (eventually he melded the two tales together, very crafty eh lmao) was so she could buy back the watch from him and THAT is what they’d been talking about (as well as the MEN’S GOLD CHAINS he put together after a few awkward questions from my befuddled and overwhelmed self yet I now didn’t know what made him think someone hawking their apple watch would want to BUY [men’s] jewelry). So, ON TOP OF already lying to me he threw a hail mary new nonsensical explanation for his having been conversing with this female. He did show me the watch to verify his second story (I now believe she’d dropped it in his car and he’d worried I’d noticed it the night we’d talked) and he seemed to feel pretty good about this new story. My attempt to get answers as to which happened first and how he “saw her wearing a lot of jewelry” when she “sat next to him” made sense when she was willing to part with an expensive-to-my-knowledge watch he now deemed that to have happened after their first meeting. I could very clearly recall him stating he “met her when she was trying to sell her apple watch around the casino” when he announced the scenario…my head was spinning also.
Now, I can think of tons of situations in which he had gotten another females number and been texting and calling her basically nonstop for days, none good, but TONS that would make some sort of sense. I could even come up with the bullshit story that he’d been talking to this person’s boyfriend and they happened to share a phone – I used to share a phone with my exes which he knew so if he’d tried to put any thought into this he’d have realized that would be relatable (google search says it is a word stupid red squiggles) and understandable (if I forgot that he’d been deleting the conversations that is but honestly anything semi-believable sounding would have worked) and would have made me feel like the idiot he’d made me out to be when I confronted him. But, alas no, he made no attempt to make his lies even seem logical. Now truth can be stranger than fiction, I know he reminded me, and the last part of the quote says “fiction has to make sense. Reality of course does not” so there is the possibility of it being true if he hadn’t pulled out the watch story for absolutely no reason as to why they were in contact after it was initially because she was wearing a lot of jewelry when she sat down by him so he was selling her (say it with me!) MEN’S GOLD CHAINS.
If you’re still bearing with this elongated telling of my, probably a bit more understandable, reason behind relapsing, thank you and it gets brilliantly worse for me.
So, less is more, he’s lied, he’s sneaking some sort of relationship (yes I can call it that because they were developing a comfort with each other that wreaks of probably more that I’ll likely never know) with another female behind my back and covering his lies with more lies, I suck at less is more, and then shuts down. He refuses to reiterate things he felt he’d already answered even when I was asking for information that he had not been forthcoming with prior. He watched me cry and blame myself (a tactic I tried that DID NOT work AT ALL) and said he wouldn’t be in contact with her anymore, after he’d already said so and failed to do so once at this point. He was getting angry WITH ME for not just GETTING OVER IT and this little nugget pops up:
Incoming text: “If you don’t message me or call me back I’m going to send you some nudes.”
Check the phone’s usage and low and behold he WAS STILL TEXTING AND CALLING HER.
I decided to take matters into my own hands and call her myself. He tackled me and tried to pry my phone from my hands when he realized what I was doing. He told me that if I called then I would need to find a new living situation. I had to leave an out-of-breath-yelling-at-the-grounded-phone message of my name and to call me back at my number because I was confused as to her communicating with my boyfriend. Now, if he had nothing to hide (yes I get it was very obvious he did) then why all the theatrics of threatening to break up with me rather than just letting me find out from this person that I was being insecure and making an ass of myself. She called back and, for the first time ever, he answered my phone before I could get to it and she hung up. So, I wasn’t giving up – at this point I was already homeless and dumped according to him so I really had nothing to lose – and I took my phone and text messaged her. I’m not good at being sneaky one bit so he figured out my scheme very quickly but I was able to get a few questions in with responses back. Remember, he’d just spooked her by answering my phone and he was cockily proud of that apparent by the smug look on his face.
L: “How do you know [my man’s name]?”
“M”: “Why is that any of your business?”
L: “Well he is my boyfriend and you’re threatening to send him nude pictures of yourself.”
“M”: “I didn’t say that you must have misread it.”
I even stopped to rethink what I’d read and, honest, contemplated if I had misread an easily readable text and made something up in my own head that was false. Thankfully, I caught myself falling into old patterns of uncertainty of my sanity – which he’d made difficult to decipher reality from being duped and sent me to a psych ward when I’d nearly caught him cheating previously (Why stay? Well I’m in love with the asshat which is super important compared to being given any inkling of respect or honesty in return and I have no place to go except my car, I have tried and failed at leaving [being kicked out for a week] because of my lack of money, no affordable housing, and severe disdain for change.) – and reassured myself that I had seen what I had seen and he’d even acknowledged the message as saying so, so my confidence in my knowledge was restored.
L: Huh. Well are you trying to sleep with [my man’s name]?
“M”: “Hell yeah. And I want you too.”
Possible sarcasm, likely, but when I tell my boyfriend what she said she said, “Yes.” Of course that was trying to elicit some honesty and kind of worked actually, a month later though.
L: “Since you know about me then why are you trying to cause problems by getting involved with him?”
“M”: “It’s not your business. I don’t want to continue this. Go spend your time cleaning or cooking something. Haha.”
And I was so stricken by her knowledge of our, as far as I was aware, ONLY issue being my lack of cleaning out our back rooms and my hate of cooking and inability to not burn everything, besides steak but damnit once actually that did happen once as well, I tried to prepare thus my lack of cooking also, that I just politely asked her to not contact my boyfriend further.
“M”: Go clean or cook something and mind ya business. Mind ya business.”
L: Nothing I was so hurt that he’d not only done all of the expressed above BUT HAD ALSO COMPLAINED ABOUT ME AND OUR RELATIONSHIP TO HER.
**I’d like to acknowledge that I know I have some glaring flaws but I do clean the floors and the bathroom/living room/kitchen. I just don’t know how to reduce my clothing any further (I’ve taken over 5 full large garbage bags to Goodwill in the past year with clothes and shoes) and we don’t have shelves or a dresser so clothes are just stacked and the other room I don’t know where to start getting rid of stuff BUT WE HAVEN’T USED THOSE ROOMS IN THE 3 YEARS WE’VE LIVED HERE for anything but storage/closets. I’m also the only one who got rid of the cockroach, ewww, problem and keep up spraying for them. I’d say maybe he was sick of my neediness and him providing for me but at the time of the step-outtance I had gotten my own car, had a job, was paying my half of rent and filling our NOS and black and mild addictions and was SOBER for over a year (with one very short relapse). Just defending myself a little bit after outing my deficiencies as outed by the ever-wonderful and grandly appreciated sweet, sweet “Marilyn.”**
I know and knew 20 minutes later what I should have asked but I’d lost my gall and had to get to an appointment with my treatment provider (monthly one on one sessions).
My boyfriend seeing how deflated the texting had made me PROMISED this time that he wouldn’t call or text her again. While I was at my one on one pouring my open-wound-having heart out to my counselor he had about an hour’s worth of conversation between 3 different calls with her, I was crushed even more so finding that out.
After that she has text once but he blocked her number afterward and as far as I can SEE there has been no continued communication, at least not with that number. I did overhear a conversation between him and his best friend bringing up how surprisingly cheap phones went for at Walmart which he’d denied having knowledge of when I’d brought it up after.
I spent a week down and out and bitching and asking questions that he refused to answer telling me he’d told me everything he was going to tell me and that there was nothing more to tell. I have no doubt in my mind he was confusing himself with his lies and what she, by my account, told me via text the following day (there wasn’t any further texting with her, from me at least, but I pretend) and couldn’t bring himself to get caught in more lies by answering something I asked in contradiction to what he’d already said. He expected me to just drop it and get over it and would just take off, or threaten to, if I didn’t drop it. Also he said sorry and then nearly immediately took it back by justifying his actions as “trying to make some money” numerous times. He was only “sorry” that he’d gotten caught so quickly, and in my hopeful delusional mind I caught him before any sex stuff happened…except that damn parking lot blowy for $36 I’ve mentioned but have not gotten confirmation of it taking place so still holding out hope, lol, not really. So after a week of fruitless prodding I gave up and we moved forward with me not mentioning it any time again soon after.
But see, I was learning “relationship communication ‘tactics'” in my treatment from my counselor. He was pretty much teaching us how to turn negative conversations to the positive by flipping the script on the other person unexpectedly and demonstrated on a distraught daughter of a constantly bitching mother, which failed miserably but sure was entertaining.
So a month later I took what I learned from my counselor and research I’d been doing on the internet and used it on my boyfriend. IT WORKED!!
He confessed that she had been getting the wrong idea (no admittance of fault on his part however) and was making assertions of having sex with him and had been complaining about and telling him she wasn’t having sex with her boyfriend. He admitted he had lied, not about anything specific but more of an “include-it-all” kind of admittance (he has since tried to stand by his stories, contradictory as meeting someone for the first time twice is, and still uses the justification of making money whenever mentioned [it is the cause of everything falling apart not brought up until 2 weeks ago beyond that]). He was apologetic and remorseful and telling me that he fucked up. I just sat there listening letting him say as much as he would say. He said that they’d had inappropriate conversations and that is why he deleted the messages and calls as well as because he knew I wouldn’t like him talking with another female (yeah you may call it insecurity but I call it KNOWLEDGE and EXPERIENCE teaching me nothing good comes from either person in a relationship getting someone of the opposite sex’s [or same sex’s if that is your preference] number and carrying on with said female or male [especially when hiding it]). He then snapped and started cursing me and telling me that I wanted things that he didn’t (none of which was true except marriage but I’ve told him it’s not a must do as I’ve already done it) and what kind of therapy bullshit did I just pull on him. He wasn’t happy with coming clean and he hadn’t even scratched the surface or been satisfyingly, for me, honest or forthcoming. I still just sat there and he went between that mess and apologizing without admitting anymore wrongdoing.
That is where this whole debacle should end right?
But no because I knew he was still not telling me something important and I couldn’t seem to get past it and move on knowing he was still lying to me. I tried. I didn’t bring it up (except to say [air quote] “the Marilyn incident” [air quote] when referring to when things took a shitty turn for us) in the months following (I did ask a couple followup questions that were not well received the following day though which he still holds against being honest with me about certain things) until I get a horrible gut wrenching ache that tells me something isn’t cool with something going on with Maurice. Come to, yes I spied not proud, find out he was talking to “that one from last week” about “moving into the place she gets but she put emphasis on the ‘rent a room’ part like nigga you ain’t moving in WITH me.” Now why was this new female having to CLARIFY that he wasn’t moving in WITH her and WHY WAS SHE OFFERING HIM A PLACE AT ALL WHEN WE HAVE AN APARTMENT?! Also, this brought back the remembrance of the “Marilyn” issue not having been resolved.
So to sum up the newest addition to unknown-to-me females in my boyfriend’s life when I asked him about it he didn’t even bother trying to lie he just refused to answer because I’d gained the knowledge through “espionage” and could just find my answer through further “spy tactics.” I realize its just another lame excuse to avoid truth telling but I get that it is violating to have private information known that you weren’t wishing to be known. And that when backed in a corner people will throw around blame and denials to avoid the actual problem. There is more to that conversation I’ll dive into in stories as well. He did eventually try to say that he didn’t know her and that she was some stranger that was looking for roommates yet where this lacking-truth conversation took place was forgotten by him and no further explanation of any of the particulars were given. “That one from last week” (direct quote) tells of there being previous discussion of said person to the best friend, Aaron – he’ll come up throughout and I don’t want to keep lamely saying best friend [of my boyfriend] so remember who Aaron is!!! Jokes I’ll not leave you wondering but now you know he’s got a name.
So, I tell you about this new girl to segue to provide a rationale for bringing up “Marilyn” again after so long. Firstly, the wound was unable to heal and therefore I wasn’t getting past the issue while desperately trying to “accept the thing I cannot change” and go forward. Secondly, the wound was ripped back to completely open and another was added when I found out there was another hidden interaction with a female and that this one had led to moving-in discussion.
I sent an email about my feelings and those topics were main points within my sharing. I’m not a wuss it’s just that talking with him seemed to be going nowhere fast and it let me get all my desired thoughts out without interruption or dismissal (of course he could stop reading which would kind of be both) by him. I ended up sending emails for a week straight ending just 11 days ago actually and did, along with me hammering my reproach of his continued lies and avoidance of issues he created after he’d read them, bring about some honesty.
He honestly is not going to be honest until he is ready and feels safe to like I wasn’t honest about things (while high) until I was ready (got sober). He feels like it will just give me more to be offended by and I’m guessing he doesn’t want to be the bad guy who did the offense more than he really cares about my feelings being hurt more. I mean in reality postponing and dragging this out further is about the shittiest thing he could do to me – I want it over and done with, I want to get the truth of what he’s been doing and talking about with other females behind my back (why would be nice but not necessary) (he could just come up with good lies at this point really) and then I want to deal with the hurt that may come, or whatever emotions I end up feeling, and move on without another word about it, I don’t even want to ask questions anymore. After typing all that out I’m in a better head space already about it – not okay with his actions by any means – just feeling like I’ve expressed my annoyance and frustration creatively and somewhat wholly so a bit of the burden has been let go.
Okay now that I’ve told you the story of my reason for relapsing I’ll get back to the point of what, from that, caused my relapse. As I had said at the beginning overwhelmingly painful emotions flooded me as I was devastated at finding out for sure that my boyfriend is willing to lie to my face and interact with other females inappropriately seemingly without legitimate remorse. This being the second worst thing to happen to me in life, after my kids getting abducted and my custody being taken which is not comparable whatsoever but is by far the worst thing to occur in my life, and to suffer through the discomfort and distress his betrayal brought me while sober seemed too much to endure (I realize people deal with far worse things sober everyday this is something that, for me, was life-shattering and something I didn’t want to actually face). The disappointment and despair I felt having the person I’d trusted with my life and health and hopes and fears and insecurities, the man I thought of as my best friend and partner in life, knocked from the pedestal I’d created for him and proven to be a lying, manipulative, callous person (and not just toward anyone but regarding ME and our relationship) especially after having been at, what I believed, was a really good place in our relationship when he decided to do this.
All in all I was too much a coward to face life on life’s terms and to actually feel unpleasant emotions so I pitifully ran away to avoid reality. And until now I was just perpetuating my eluding dealing with reality by every couple weeks picking back up for a few days since October 19th 2018 when I relapsed because I was copping-out of the hard parts of living.
I don’t blame him for my relapse, my new resentments however he does get credit for and is the star of!
Relapsing, though, was a choice I made knowing, and apparently accepting, the repercussions of doing so and a decision to stay stuck in denial and evade accepting reality. The amelioration I’d achieved in my sobriety didn’t hold a candle to my deviously duplicitous addict mentality I have demonstrated. This time around I want to work for/on and develop/achieve strength of character, true grit, perseverance, strength of mind, and the ability to live life on life’s terms.
After some research I’ve realized that the above
This blog is definitely beneficial to my continued sobriety.
My boyfriend is a good guy and, as you will come to see in stories, he’s dealt with A LOT of bullshit and stuck by me in some of the most impossible situations. I’m not condoning the aforementioned behavior but he’s the reason I’m alive and able to get sober today. I’m sharing my life and in turn his life but all through my point of view; just don’t forget that there is another side to every story.