Posted in recovery

0.12-0.18 – I am still sober!!

Apologies for my lack of posting for yet another sleepy-time week. I have just been overwhelmed with the desire to sleep or lay here doing nothing.
So that is a huge issue to overcome – I have absolutely NO MOTIVATION to do ANYTHING!
I barely did Easter. We had to put off decorating eggs until next week because they would be rotten by the time we went to hide them on Sunday (we boiled em Friday and then googled it before we started the decorating process) when my youngest will be here to celebrate. I made a basket for my mini me (Riley, 12) and got her some new flavored peeps which she was super excited, especially because she thought we’d only be celebrating next weekend.
We spent the rest of Sunday watching Forensic Files and chatting about everything while she chatted with her besties online and drew some of her awesome characters she creates for her role playing she does with her friends. They are a creative little bunch and can do this role playing (making up stories with their characters) for hours!!
So as expected my motivation is gone to do anything. I haven’t been able to open my laptop for 8 whole darn days because of it. I think about doing it and it sounds like a WHOLE LOT of effort and my brain is pretty hazy right now so my imagination and idea machine is kind of shut down.
I really want to one day soon reach and continue my goal of blogging everyday. I think I need to just blog SOMETHING. I know I want to walk everyone through my getting sober process too so maybe it could help another addict going through it as well so I need to do better.
I will. I’m feeling better today. I even did laundry. I was out of clothes and about to start pulling stuff to wear out of the hamper — EWWW! I didn’t! I got it done. But doing that motivated me to get on here.
Hang in there with me guys I’m getting the hang of both blogging and sobriety (again). I’ll get even better with time 🙂

Until we meet again.


“I have a perfect body, cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.”

Regina Spektor, Folding Chairs


Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.9 – dueling experiments *throwaway*

Wonders I’m wondering.
Serendipitous topic ideas running unfiltered through my noggin.
Jotted some scribbles to decipher..
Fun new word!
As I go, maybe, I’ll explain.
grasp those straws!

kiLLing it with kindness. brad word for word what I have in my notepad[app]

It’s the first entry and I know what it’s about. My entitled attitude having self…
Earlier this morning I was being a real snooty princess type (which I don’t do ever) about getting to finish the new parts before having to go back to the usual ones in that I was hoarding the newbies and got all protective of my stash when Brad showed up wanting in on the goods.
He ACTUALLY works there (on probation) but just recently graduated out of temp-status and is a bit “off” or maybe just on the spectrum.
Either way I called it right with this note.
I started off being snarky and dismissive, being pretty emasculating to boot, a real grade A asshole, I now realize, and I was in a good mood all the while.
I was even so petty that I wouldn’t move my parts an inch to give him room at his “usual” (when he works with us lowly temps-I’m being honest about my attitude to my embarrassment and it is how he treats us: “YOU guys … while I [something more important]) spot at the table. My reasoning: in order for him to get it at all he just literally rolled his chair into the newest temp without even an excuse me so I was getting payback … for her. The old lady next to me moved my stuff when I left the table and reminded me about compassion when I returned.
Well HELLO exactly what I needed to hear, right?
Guess it wasn’t enough for me because I made a point to, calmly yet snappily, tell Brad that he has a habit of tornado-ing through other people’s work areas to create his own space. Damned if the guy didn’t thank me, for letting him know, SINCERELY, not a drop of sarcasm.
THAT snapped me out of my Brad-warpath I was on and it wasn’t even an hour into the day. I went back and started my day over like they say to do in Alcoholics Anonymous

GOAL: attend AA tomorrow before Riley arrives

and I decided kindness was my kick for the day and maybe even a dash of empathy!
It worked though, Brad and I got along well and not in the fake coworkers kind of way but we had some interesting conversations (well interesting to him but I played ball, with empathy even – for myself – no really, I was good).
What made me know that we’d gotten somewhere in our coworkship (coworker relationship, its a thing!..) was when he said to me, he goes, “If I ever make inappropriate comments or make anyone feel uncomfortable, can you please let me know? I can’t always tell.” Even better than just anyone asking such a proactive request, Brad’s nickname (and our next topic suggestion) is Two-Cents… you’ll see


It does not matter how slowly you go

as long as you do not stop.

Confucius

two-cent$again just like my notepad[app] has it


So I got excited and got ahead of myself tripping over that last sentence.
I’m doing html coding – is that correct? – to relearn how to build a webpage
(I first learned in 5th grade, I believe, and never did use it so I lost it)
and after this mess of a post will add SUBTLETIES to future posts and this allows me to do that. Okay, sorry, run-on big time.


Right, Brad! two-cent$ got his nickname for the fact that he will offputtingly interject himself into your already booked conversation using some incredibly unhumorous statement – sometimes while someone else is still talking – that, of course, he and only he finds hilarious and very rarely does he have any clue as to what the conversation is actually about so it is even more of a sore thumb. Occasionally he’ll grab a word he hears someone say or thinks he does, and, with no context, just roll with that to try to get included.
It is CRINGY, to steal my daughter’s word – I now get what it means and the feeling that word exudes is borderline physically painful.
two-cent$ is very aware that he does this, so when he asked me to let him know about making people uncomfortable…I was straight up:
“Dude [insert above description] so do you mean when you’re not INTENTIONALLY doing so? How do I…decide?” No sugar getting coated, we’re buds now, right?.
Then it gets downright depressing as he tells me – his best coworkship-person – about how he eats his meals in his room now because he got tired of having nothing to add to his parents’ conversation at the dinner table. He kept reminding me that they really want him to eat down there with them but that the only way he was part of conversations was by doing what he does: knowingly rudely interrupting people’s conversations.
He definitely is socially awkward but he knows what he’s doing is not acceptable adult real-world behavior.
I did tell him I would keep him apprised of any other social ineptitude I may witness.

“Tired minds don’t plan well.

Sleep first. Plan later.”

Walter Reisch

laSt and beSt ~ lotSa wordS

introducing my newest word

with its multitude of fraternal twins:

Earworm aka a brainworm, sticky music, stuck song syndrome, or Involuntary Musical Imagery (IMI) is a catchy piece of music that continually repeats through a person’s mind after it is no longer playing.

my Earworm today

More words! some of my favorite lyrics ever! (not the whole song, which rocks) but these:

This is how it works
You’re young until you’re not
You love until you don’t
You try until you can’t
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else’s heart
Pumping someone else’s blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don’t get harmed
But even if it does
You’ll just do it all again

Regina Spektor, On the Radio

I absolutely adore these lyrics. It explains life and relationships to the T and makes me smile while doing it. I’ll break it down for your entertainment and hopeful enjoyment later. It is too late and I am too tired but here is the rest of my topics list:

thank you for indulging me while I try

HTML

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.7 – iNaNe fLaiR

siLLy abiLity
poINtless INstINct
absUrd geniUs
fatuouS SkillS

Me.
I can type. I can write. I can type what I write.
bLogging!
weBlog…onLineaccount…networkeDrecorDs…CyberspaCeChroniCles
I like words. I like to throw out some random nexus of thoughts bouncing around my brain for you to enjoy, judge, copy, and/or be inspired by. Purpose.

Happiness is where my mind is at. I am happy even though my life is kinda shitty. I intensely miss Hope, my youngest who’s father isn’t allowing me to see her, and think about her everyday. Even that isn’t bringing me down, though. I’m happy in my skin and with my life.
It is said that happiness is fleeting and an often “futile attempt to swim against the tide, as happiness doesn’t tend to last.” But I feel it in me. I am happy. I’m not future tripping or wallowing in my past, I’m here (well I am still very sleepy so I’m mostly here) in this moment. Life is filled with moments, experiences and living.
I have a very dull life and I love it!
Getting to go to work everyday is such a blessing and it excites me!
I have a purpose in life, a reason to get up in the morning and get moving and THAT is what I was missing for so long. Not working and being home with my kiddos was fulfilling but once they were gone I lost my reason for being. Being me is now my reason for living.

Was going to finish this as it is now yesterdays news but I don’t have anything to add right now. Off to today!

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.1 – graSping @straws

My life is so great but for my hamartia of addiction consistently making a mess of everything. I may say that I can pull life off high and if my mother had never seen my track marks that none of the shitty stuff would have happened but it would have caught up to me eventually. Likely not in such a wholly destructive way but it could have possibly been worse (don’t know how but trying to move past blaming and try taking responsibility).

Today I slept.
I called in to work and to treatment and spent the entire day with wonderful dreams and no worries.
I’m hoping that giving myself a full day to let my body and mind recuperate from this latest relapse will stave off being half-dead for weeks. Probably not but I do feel refreshed and sober right now so we shall see.

I’ve been doing research on my mental health disorders as well as the effects of methamphetamine addiction. One aspect and downfall of both my schizophrenia and addiction is anhedonia and this is a huge part of why I relapse, I sincerely lose pleasure in seemingly every part of my life and want enjoyment back. I have both social and physical (especially sexual) anhedonia. I know that my drug use and schizophrenia are the cause of this but is also exacerbated by the anti-psychotics I take. Prior to getting treated for my schizophrenic aspect of my mental health disorder I could at least enjoy sex and orgasm, even after getting sober before, but now I’m realizing that my lack of feeling in my nether regions and pleasure from sex coincided with starting the medication regime I am currently on. Hopefully now that I know I will be able to address this with my psychiatrist and find a fix. I know that methamphetamine use brings back all of my pleasure in all areas and thus I’m prone to relapse to get these feelings back. I enjoy life when I’m high and may have caused myself a life of lacking. I can really relate to and am scared by the article I linked to there. My anhedonia possibly being caused by both of my comorbid disorders (methamphetamine abuse and schizoaffective [schizophrenia and bipolar 1/mania] disorders) is discouraging and with the simple fix of using again really dampens my resolve to stay sober. I am brilliant at finding reasons to get high though so I’m not going to use this as an excuse, instead I’m trying to accept the repercussions of my choices and look for a healthy way to fix the issue.

I welcome ideas in regaining pleasure and similar experiences in the comments.

This has helped me to understand why the motivation of bettering my life to get my children back hasn’t been enough to keep me sober. I was starting to believe I’m just a shitty mom and don’t love my girls enough but I knew that wasn’t true. Being a mom was my life and I was happy and fulfilled before methamphetamine so now I need to figure out keeping my focus on getting back to that mentality without using. Did I destroy my ability to do so, though? The possibility of that being a fact is a sucker punch to my psyche.

Being completely forthcoming I am currently planning my next relapse in my head already but am fighting to shut down that urge to want that next high. I want there to be no next high and I want to want there to be no next high. What a conundrum.

Posted in recovery, relapse

day 24 – kinda sorta maybe

My brain already went out to LackadaisicalWhimsy about an hour ago and I enjoyed typing that up.
And that is pretty much all there is to my Sunday.
I’m still in my sleepwear.
Have since applied jeans to my legs.

12 sTeP AcroNYMS

  • GOD : Good Orderly Direction :: Following the guidance of your Higher Power
  • EGO : Edging God Out :: Trying to do things MY way and needing to do God’s will
  • FEAR : False Evidence Appearing Real :: Fear is an illusion and not real
  • KISS : Keep It Simple, Stupid :: Work smarter not harder
  • HOPE : Hearing Other People’s Experiences :: Feeling not alone. Listening is an art.
  • FINE : Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional :: You read my mind

i’M hAVING aNXIETY oVER mY nEW aNXIETY



A weird feeling: It is never enough but always too much.
Constantly feeling unsatisfied.
It isn’t how I feel usually but am experiencing some anxiety from it right now.
Constantly isn’t the correct word because while it is a constant on my nerves at this moment this is a new type of anxiety for me.
I don’t do enough anything.
Usually I am very happy with me but I don’t feel good in my skin right now.
A certainty of uncertainty.
Avoidance forever or how long will I hold onto my own idiocy.

Posted in recovery

day 23 – haphazard woolgathering

“Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing.”

Woody Allen, Deconstructing Harry

see me

Trying out some of these different options. I have been screwing around on my blog all day and really all night too.
I wrote my sKippingbackwarDs page and ended up cutting over half because I liked the top portion for that specified topic but what I cut branched into a new area of the same type of topic… I did copy it over to a draft (I didn’t think to do something so logical I copied it into my Nimbus Notes) well I kept it!
Soon I’ll grace you with my advice, or promotion more so, on loving yourself. My life is pretty shit-mediocre-ish, no matter I enjoy the heck out of it, and I am happy and satisfied in it in big part because I have such a good relationship with myself and honest love and like of me.
This format is driving me bonkers!
Thank you, next.

  1. Aww come on push it.
  2. What’s the worst that could happen?
  3. I would sincerely enjoy comments in response to the above question.
  4. This is how I make a list which I do believe I have tried!! Lame-me lol.
  5. Look now it is new to me it is a numbered list!
  6. Seriously touch it!!
This is rad!Ooooh I see.I’m learning how tables work
I was sure that I’d messed up the whole deal.
Just learned that I can take two linesUgh that is ugly haha middle!!
I should add 2+2=4
I’ve done it now I’ve done it

Thank you for enduring my shenanigans and still continuing to read!!

I have done less than nothing today and thoroughly enjoyed myself.
My only act that made a difference to someone else in the world today was picking up Alex, my boyfriend, from the mechanic where he took his car this morning. In doing so I was also dropping myself off and allowing him to use my car. Better yet, my car needed oil, a bath, and a good vacuuming and trash stop which he, being the amazing guy he is, agreed to doing all of. Also he is absolutely okay with my enjoying dicking off on my laptop all day.
Shoot I should be decent and clean something huh?

This was all a setup and I failed my portion of the exam you never saw me

Will this work better? I guess I won’t be able to tell until I type a bit in this box it seems. It seems interesting that you are interested in what I may have to say on different topics. I appreciate you, every one of the two people who have come by to check me out. I wonder if that had been the case if I’d be sad. I’m doing this as a weird kind of therapy to keep me from making more unnecessary left turns in life. This should be enough.

Posted in recovery

day 22 – revised silhouette

deception2

I found this quote and it has me perplexed. I’ve been trying to simplify it in order to define its meaning. It seems really obvious but then doesn’t seem to add up.
Below I take the long way through my thinking and writing process to decipher this little gem.

Word for word substitutions: Existence/soul/survival is the creativity/mastery/ability of living/ensuing/enduring effectively/thoroughly/skillfully beguiled/deluded/fooled; and so that/so/that one may the duplicity/disinformation/guile can/be allowed/be permitted triumph/prosper/advance it has to/be obliged to/should be continual/perpetual/routine/typical and unbroken/successive/sustained.

Survival is the ability of enduring thoroughly fooled; and so that the disinformation can advance it has to be routine and sustained.

Existence is the creativity of living effectively beguiled; and that one may the duplicity be allowed triumph it should be perpetual and successive.

Soul is the mastery of ensuing skillfully deluded; and so the guile be permitted prosper it be obliged to be continual or typical and unbroken.

Breakdown through definitions: Living things and their activity is the expression of human creative skill and imagination of existence, being alive in a good or satisfactory way cause to believe something that is not true or give the mistaken impression or fail to admit to oneself that something is true; and so that the thing that deceives expressing possibility achieve the desired aim or result it be obliged to be done or doing constantly; regular; usual and without a break in the continuity.

Now I’m going to try some comprehension of the mess above:
Given a little change
Our existence is the expression of reality aptly mislead; and so that this falsity disguised as truth can win approval it has to be repeatedly done and incessant.
Inference/My takeaway
Through our experiences we are painting our life’s great masterpiece depicted by our skewed view of reality and to continue enjoying life we have to maintain a unique, oblique perspective.
Another idea without being so wordy
Life portrays our stories as we have shaped them to be over time and with repetition to become our truths.
This is quite enjoyable
My mind was stuck on lying boyfriend earlier
Straightforward encompassing that deception
In order to survive we must become easily fooled to avoid the pain of betrayal; if the deceiver cares they will be consistent and competent in their lies.

My day was tolerable. I’ve been experiencing high anxiety at night last night and tonight. First it was about my daughter not being here this weekend and has traversed to causing me frustration about my boyfriend’s dishonesty.
Really, if I’m being honest with both of us really honestly, I’m craving smoking the pizzzipe so I’m feeling a bit antsy about that as well. Since Aiden, my real ex husband, decided to keep Riley with them for the weekend it gave me an excuse that I nearly jumped at to just say “fuck it” and get high.
I will say that I think I should be allowed to get high so long as it is when I don’t have my girls as well as not being under the influence around them but on my own time I don’t think anyone has the right to tell me what to do. If it was negatively effecting my behavior I’d, of course, not partake but that not being an issue I do believe that people should have the right to choose if they want to imbibe drugs or alcohol. The only reason I got found out about my use was track marks being seen and then heroin was the only one found out. Day to day no one knew.
Whatever, not an option so don’t know why I felt the need to romanticize a negative decision that would really throw a wrench into my life right now anyway.

Language shaping thought is a new concept for me. As just a basic idea that the type of language a person utilizes within their life impacts their thoughts seems like a “duh” moment but I know there is a lot more diversity in meanings and interpretations of this short three-word sentence. Language shapes thought. I’m going to do more research into this and come back to this subject at a later date.

Going to go find a new quote possibly or a different idea entirely!!

Baby bye, bye, bye! (Bye, bye!)

 

 

 

 

Posted in recovery

day 18 – capricious

I’ll eventually get day 17 up, maybe today probably tomorrow.

I had the best weekend ever with my parents and my girls – parents separately thankfully they’re happily divorced. Now I am exhausted again. I finally woke up for a few days and that is apparently over. I also think I drank too many NOS today and it drained me rather than giving me the energy it boasts to give.

I miss being UP all the time and happy being high. Sobriety is back and forth, up and down, and I don’t like dealing with the tiredness.

I’m going to take a nap now.

Party on, Garth! [without me!!]

 

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

Day 16 – betterment

So I’d set some goals for this week and I’ve upheld posting every day (I did forget to hit publish and put one out a day late but still!!) but haven’t finished either of the life stories, however I did start two.

I’ll set some goals for this week tomorrow or Monday. I think achieving some small attainable tasks to completion regularly I’ll feel like I’m progressing more so. One I’m going to do, since I’m thinking about it, is actually attending 2 AA meetings this week rather than forging my slip for treatment. I think my last slip was a bit obviously forged because I switched up some handwriting for one of the ones I use regularly by accident (I was mimicking a different person’s writing instead for the wrong person) and my counselor gave it a very quizzical look. Oh well, I need to start actually going anyway and that gives me a bit more motivation.

Today is a family day we’ve got 3 of 4 kiddos and hopefully the fourth later today.

Feeling a bit anxious but nothing my meds can’t dull down. I don’t take anything addictive (no opiates or benzos) so I’m not getting high off my prescriptions at all either. They don’t prescribe addicts benzos anymore I guess cause they cut off my Xanax. I think it’s the place I go since they have treatment centers within the same entity.
My anxiety is just like a constant gnawing buzz in my head and ache in my gut so nothing specific which is kind of annoying because I can’t actively solve something that isn’t.

Off to enjoy some sunshine!!

Have a blessed day.

Posted in recovery

day 14 – can you hear me now

I couldn’t stay asleep last night and just got up around 3:30 and sent emails to my boyfriend about what was on my mind.
Rather than try to have verbal discussions about relationship stuff that often turn into disputes (and in neither am I ever satisfied in feeling heard) I now send, often lofty, emails to my boyfriend. He doesn’t respond via email but in person he acknowledges my points and sometimes offers feedback. While I usually start my emails wanting some sort of resolution of an issue or explanations/answers about whatever has me bothered, by the time I’ve finished articulating what is on my mind my desire for dialogue is quashed. I feel heard (I can’t come up with a different verbiage that adequately expresses the same sentiment).
By choosing to take the time to type out all my thoughts, that I would otherwise be trying to verbalize, explain, and bring about a point to, I get to perfect their delivery. I get to express all of my thoughts, feelings, concerns, perspectives, etc. about any topic, situation, feeling, happening ad nauseam and then edit myself. It is therapeutic to do so and I can decide to not send an email after further consideration whereas nothing said can be unsaid. I wish I had implemented this years ago.
I am fortunate in that Alex, my boyfriend, reads them all and will do so with me there if he hasn’t by the time we are with each other again. Knowing he has “heard” everything I wanted to communicate to him is fulfilling and a refreshing change from wondering and reiterating. I thought I would still need, or at least want, a thorough response about his takeaway and feelings in regards to what he had read but I prefer it this way.
Issues that need discussions and/or solutions we chat about throughout the day to day in regular conversation and without as much pressure as forcing an uncomfortable talk or debate. We haven’t gotten it all ironed out yet but it has lessened stress in our relationship thus far so I’m going to continue.

Right now we have some unnecessary tension from the lack of trust and continued dishonesty from him. He is just choosing that he is not going to be honest about certain situations and refusing to explain why he’s doing so or why he is knowingly continuing to hurt me and our relationship. So our relationship is not anything to take advice from; the emailing has just restored a lot of my sanity and peace of mind and reduced stress, so it is beneficial just not the solution to our problem.

I’m keeping on though.
One day at a time.

Onward.

Posted in recovery

day 13 – got this

bumbled mumbo-jumbo jive turkeying outchya chops topsy-turvy

I am beyond exhausted but doing very merrily.

Cause of exhaustion:
Yesterday my Auntie Demi called me to ask a favor which she was embarrassed about but, while it hasn’t been my experience (except with my dad), family should help family if they can so I felt she shouldn’t feel some kind of way about it. She asked if I could loan her the money to buy a pack of smokes. Okay, so not a necessity in life, no, and not really a normal thing to ask someone else for money for but do unto others (even when they don’t unto you) and how could I say no when I knew it wasn’t easy to ask for help especially from a younger relative. I can empathize. So her and her boyfriend came and picked me up and we went to the smoke shop. Along the way it was clear they were having a dispute of sorts and the tension ran high. I got her two packs and offered to put some gas in their tank since her boyfriend was grumbling about the distance to the smoke shop which was round-trip a 15 minute pick up to drop off. They accepted then turned down the offer. It was confusing. To try to help Demi out I suggested she come with me so we could go run a few errands she needed to take care of and that would allow her boyfriend to go home and nap before his night shift. We got back to my place and she said they’d discuss it and she’d let me know in a second.
There was no discussion he just took off when she sat back down in the car. I guess he felt she was going to get more drunk at my alcohol-less apartment hanging out with me and we’d then meet up with guys for sex.
Cut to 3 hours later and I’m getting another call from my auntie and she’s in need of my help – “life or death situation” – and tells me she is moving out of his place, he won’t stop being verbally abusive, and can I go over and help her move her belongings to her car. I agree to helping her and we go back and forth with when and because he still hasn’t slept and needs to, although he is up talking all kinds of shit in the background and doesn’t sound to be stopping anytime soon, I have to wait until 11 pm to go move this stuff. I have to be up at 5 am but do for family and I’d want help if the shoe were on my foot right so I agree.
I stay texting her for a bit since she’s distraught but then take care of my own personal needs expecting that I’ll be done in time to get there by 11.
After some amazing boot-knockin’ I find out she has left his place. I figure, as it is nearly 11 at this point, that that means no moving and she doesn’t get back to me as the clock runs past the meeting time. Of course at 11:30 I get a call and request and promise it will take all of 20 minutes as everything is already packed.
I go and am already beyond ready for bed so I’m expecting to make this happen quickly.
After fighting my phone to direct me there and arriving I see everything is packed and get excited! That hope lasted about 2 minutes until her phone starts chirping out multiple text messages. Understandably they’re from him and she reads them to me and he’s being really mean-spirited. My hope fully died when after reading them to me she decided to call my Nona, her mom, to read her the texts.
I’m too tired to type right now so here’s the gist, as best I can:
I ended up spending the next 5 hours helping her send well thought out text messages (I have to say I’m very proud of her restraint in not reacting to his myriad of manipulative, emotionally raping text messages with upset) to express an end to their relationship (reiteration), his trespasses, and her happiness and appreciation to be moving into a better chapter of her life in leaving the situation. We sent 6 texts to his likely 75 texts.
All the while I am trying to get moving on the moving of her stuff to her car. She just kept putting me off or having me read another text aloud. I tried to leave on a handful of occasions and she made me feel bad and guilty and pleaded with me to stay “just a little longer” each time. I finally HAD to leave for work at 5 am and she nearly tried the same shenanigans but accepted that I needed to go to work.
We moved NOTHING. She never even pulled her car up to the house to be loaded. I left with the impression that she was going to do it herself as she had done mere days before actually and I told her I’d check in hourly to make sure she left before he got home.
She takes my first two calls and then poof she’s unreachable.
I was sincerely worried, she’d expressed being fearful of this dude and said the previous evening he’d kind of stalked her around the apartment and she felt like he was right on the verge of physically assaulting her.
Yeah well the beeyatch text me 5 hours after he would have gotten off work (I was dog tired and still working and had been worrying my whole shift): “I’m good tired.” I had sent her 5 texts begging for some type of response so I could stop worrying and she didn’t even acknowledge it!
Come to find out, yeah you already know, she hadn’t moved shit!!! She was still there with him. I love and adore Demi but am feeling some type of way about her duping me into hanging out with her during my sleep-time with this “life or death situation” of moving out of an abusive situation that she remained in. She took my sleep.
Now she’s saying she’s got to get out of there tonight and I told her good luck and I’ll be sleeping.

Bye, Felicia

Posted in recovery

day 12 – making baby steps

I am wanting to focus on the positive more and also make real steps (not yet willing to do the 12 steps) forward in my sobriety. Part of doing so is being more active on this blog and my goal for this week is to post an update on my sobriety at least once daily AND to get two very true anecdotes added to my thus far empty “Maze of Addiction (Stories of a Dope Fiend)” category!!
Bravo, patting myself on the back, for the creation of an achievable goal. Starting the day off in the right direction.

My gratitude list:
1. My daughters (they’re amazing in every way)
2. My boyfriend (support and love)
3. My dad (support and love)
4. God (we’re working on our relationship, mostly my faith)
5. My temp job (having me working still)
6. My car (thanks dad!)
7. My life (waking up to another day is an under-appreciated gift)
8. My apartment (been homeless so always grateful)
9. My mom (surprisingly so after so many years of not)
10. My health (mental and physical doing alright)

And now I must run to work as I’m setting myself up to be running behind by continuing to type! More soon!

Posted in recovery

Day 4-10 – m.i.a. oops

I slept. I went to work from 6:00 am to 2:30 pm and then I came home and went straight to sleep until the following morning. That is the comedown from methamphetamine – a lot of sleeping. Thankfully not much else for withdrawal effects otherwise; a little depression usually but not so much this time around, or at least yet.

I did have to deal with a coworker (another temp) being spun (high as a kite) all week and he is definitely not a functioning addict. I kept having to wake him up – when you OD yourself on meth, especially shooting it (using needles), you can be so high you fall asleep. That is actually the extent of a meth OD unless you have a heart attack or stroke but for whatever reason is isn’t considered an overdose then, probably because that can happen anytime you use an upper not just in cases of OD. I actually lost a decent friend from a heart attack after using methamphetamine – he snorted it which that and shooting it you’re more likely and able to OD whereas smoking it you can’t really, I couldn’t see how at least. Anyway dude was having to be woken up and he was telling the bosses that he was hearing voices so I took him to get an energy drink on break and tell him he was making it really apparent he was high. I think the energy drink helped wake him up that day but he went home early and I’m pretty sure lost his job anyway since it was the second time leaving early because of the same issue. It kind of blows my mind how it isn’t apparent to sober people, well normal (non-addict) sober people at least, when someone is spun out of their minds. This guy is literally telling people he’s hearing voices (people talking shit apparently) and pointing to the ceiling when asked from where and not sent home or to do a UA?! But I guess there are people, like myself, with schizophrenia (mines mixed with bipolar so scizoaffective disorder rather) who hear voices when not on medication so they can’t necessarily judge from that alone. Still he was obviously spun for the entire week and asking me aloud, and I mean loudly aloud, if he seemed spun and then if I thought he was high because of his track marks being visible the day before, again loudly for the entire table to hear. Boggles the mind. It also made me question if I’m really functioning when I use or just believe so myself, but then I realized I went more than a year without anyone being the wiser and only gave myself away by pulling my shirt sleeves up too high one day and then that only gave away my heroin use. I never knew people shot meth until I did so myself though so I understand why that wasn’t apparent.

So my week consisted of sleeping, working, and babysitting a meth user.

I feel pretty okay, no depression, yet and hopefully not to come. I’m still craving and haven’t gone a day without planning my next relapse. I’ve got UAs to take that have kept actually relapsing at bay but I don’t know about afterwards. I know I need to stay clean, but I really don’t WANT to. That, I do believe, is the problem, I may not be ready to quit yet and until I am its not going to stick, I know that is true at least of me. I SHOULD be ready, I NEED to be ready, I HAVE EVERY REASON to be ready, I WANT to be ready, I just don’t think I am yet. Where my bottom is is beyond me because I’ve been SO LOW in life, I lost my kids which was devastating and demoralizing to say the least, because of using so why wasn’t that enough – that actually got me to get higher… But NOW I have my head about me – medicated for my scizoaffective disorder and sober the majority of the time – AND I WANT MY LIFE BETTER. Plus getting my youngest back, since I’ve been able to get my oldest back already but could lose that at any time with using, is based on my sobriety. I’m able to lie my way through all that and bullshit my UA results and stay in compliance with treatment even while using… Not benefiting me at all and, again, it won’t until I am ready to quit. So I am currently trying to get myself to the point where I am ready to quit NOW and stay quit.

I don’t want to. At all. But I do. Go figure that out, eh? I’m sure trying to.

Just keep swimming swimming swimming… What do we do we swim, swim, swim…

 

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

Day 1 – ready or not.

So grateful for having work to go to today because I would have been struggling to not go pick up and once again postpone the inevitable if I had been sitting around the house. I didn’t want to leave work, really, I was enjoying being productive and keeping myself busy.

I didn’t even crave getting high so much as I was missing it in my break routine. I’ve worked at this place for one week and one day and, yes, I created a routine on my breaks that involved smoking meth at this brand new temporary job that I can’t afford to lose. I have a serious problem. If I had gotten caught that would have cost me utilizing the agency I work through, as well as this job that I find enjoyable, and likely would have involved the police.

The choices I make when using are so oblivious of consequences and just plain idiotic, almost as though I’m trying or wanting to get caught. The choices I make sober to get high are going to kill me. I was ODing myself on meth over the past few days to finish the shit that I bought at the beginning of this week to postpone quitting Monday, so that I could quit by today ((I am incapable of “wasting” drugs by flushing them even when I want to apparently)). I was smoking myself exhausted and thankfully didn’t cause myself to pass out at work.

So I made it through the day portion of Day 1 and my night is uneventful and safe. I’m flat broke, well I have a few bucks I could pry off of my debit card, so that is a potential bad path of picking up a little something if my night doesn’t go according to plan. ((Negative thinking brings about negativity. I need to NOT give myself excuses for and/or PLAN to relapse.))

The issue: My ex is suppose to be dropping off my eldest daughter for the weekend, she’s suppose to be here every weekend, but last weekend he kept her and didn’t tell me ahead of time what was up so I am nervous that tonight could be a repeat. We have a parenting plan through the court but don’t abide by it and have verbally (awaiting him signing the new parenting plan) agreed to my having weekends him having weekdays for her schedule. He is an addict/alcoholic and has been sober almost 2 years and is, rightfully so I know, skeptical of my continued sobriety ((I was doing good for a while and relapsed in October and continued using off and on until today since then)) but also snubs his nose at anyone struggling with using even after being a degenerate and absent from our daughter’s life for nearly ten years. He knows he has all the power right now, though, because I’m behind on the old parenting plan stipulations for my custody to be restored and she’s suppose to live with my grandparents per the court until she’s back with me but they gave her to him so it’s a cluster fuck. He agreed she’d be here when I talked to him last week but is not responding to my text or answering my calls all week. I hate this and I caused all of it by using drugs and making poor decisions for the past few years. Now I am just fucking myself by using and making my situation with seeing my girls even more difficult than it already is dealing with my exes wanting to punish me.
UPDATE: ***Hooray for the ASS! being me in assuming the worst and this ASS! is happily chillin’ with my daughter while she chats with her friends online. More good news: exhubby is willing to look over the plan I sent him and we are on good terms and in agreement to co-parent and work together. So no negativity tonight or any excuse I may have tried to use to go out and make poor decisions.***

Oh yeah that reason why I need to be sober NOW is because I should STILL be sober now. I relapsed in October, it was my third relapse since getting sober in April 2017, and I am just now making it out of the meth clouds to get my head back on straight. I fell off big time and didn’t even see what was happening. I was still quoting how I fell off for a couple months to myself yesterday. Delusional much, I think so. I thought I had this shit on lock and told myself I was just using for a few days here and there, controlled, purposeful, not addicted just getting high every once in a while… Addicts are manipulative little bullshitters, am I right? Well keeping it about me, I am for sure. I’ve been throwing my life away again and have no one to blame for whatever consequences arise besides me damn self! Oh for fucksticks sakes this is just one day, day one of digging myself out of the hole I’ve been digging behind my own back!

I’m 6 months into a year’s worth of outpatient treatment that was put as a stipulation for my visitations with my youngest daughter and I also incorporated it into the plan with my oldest as well to appease the exes need for me to jump through hoops like he had to. I’m in compliance and all my UAs have come back negative for drugs/alcohol. I’ve been faking the funk for months and cannot wait to go give a real clean UA next week, well maybe the week after I don’t want to push my luck and come back dirty because I didn’t wait long enough after using – failed UA means restarting treatment also. In my research I’ve found that it can take anywhere from 2 to 10 days for methamphetamine to leave a person’s system/be undetectable in urine. I’ve tested the theory, at a different facility than where I attend treatment, at $50 per UA – through some trial and error – with the most recent failed UA being after 5 full days of no use. I’ve wasted a lot of money and created evidence of my relapses by hoping for the best and knowing better which is just stupid and another way using is negatively impacting my life.

Insanity: ME doing the same thing, using methamphetamine [drugs], over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I made it.
I’m getting very sleepy and I have now gone 24 hrs without using.

1 day sober

 

Posted in recovery

Day 1 – no thank you, please

So I’m regretting my decision to quit right about now. It is going to be a long day and I’m filled with anxiety and dread. The idea of such a slow and tedious workday, especially since I’m impatiently waiting to have a conversation with my dude also, is not computing properly to form words… I’m rambling nonsense and not clearly explaining how I feel which is what I want to convey.

My head feels floaty and I believe that a wave of dizziness would overcome me and knock me on my ass if I stood up right now. While my eyes were closed I felt that staying-in-the-womb comfort of warmth and snugness engulf me, sleep was cuddling me after days of avoidance. Then I got to where I am now – propped up on my elbow typing on my laptop and starting to accept that I’m really doing this and it is going to be really uncomfortable.

I’m overwhelmed. Intensely flustered. My teeth hurt and my mouth tastes like paste. I need to get moving and I have no desire to proceed. I’ve described a few of the things I am feeling but there is a lot more going on too that I know getting high would even out for me. Fuck this. I can’t do this and I’ve been up for fifteen minutes. I need to wait until I have a week that I can spend in bed hiding to quit. Except, while I can’t remember what it is, there is a reason I am quitting right now and not putting it off again like I did at the beginning of this week already. It’ll come to me eventually and I couldn’t pick up before work even if I tried.

My whole body is aching.

Onward.

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

Sleep to sobriety

So this is it, today was my last day being high.
Since this is the first entry I want to have something captivating to say but, to be honest, I am just tired and ready to be done.
I’m creating this blog to document my sobriety and the ups and downs of getting clean.
Here’s an idea let me introduce myself and my situation.

I’m Lyric. 32 year old white female. Long brown hair, blue eyes, currently a little too thin and as always 5’1″. Right now I’m sporting pigtails and a beanie with holey jeans and a hooded t-shirt suggesting “Start a Revolution” (and never would have thunk it a hooded t is actually cute with a long sleeve under..).
I’m a mom of two daughters, Riley and Hope, 12 and 7 respectively, and the girlfriend of a guy I want to smack upside the head at the moment.
I’ve always wanted to blog and love to write so all I needed was something to say and well two birds with one computer – documenting getting sober is keeping me accountable to myself ((and you cause now there is a you)) and is my blog topic.

My addiction, briefly (I will delve into the details in a separate category where I will recount stories of impacting happenings during my active use) here:
I’m a functioning methamphetamine abuser meaning I can still be a useful member of society when I’m high. I was high at work with none-the-wiser this entire past week and they keep requesting me back even-so. I also attend a drug treatment outpatient program once a week and have been under the influence on multiple occasions without repercussions. I’m not proud of my choices, I just am a “functioning addict.”

The extent of drugs/how I’ve used: I’ve ended my few month “relapse” solely smoking methamphetamine but I used to shoot it ((use needles)) and years ago I would snort it ((used it for about 2 weeks one summer in my early twenties)). I have almost 2 years clean off of heroin which I smoked and shot up for a little over a year. I mixed heroin and meth use and combined the drugs to shoot together. I quit heroin because I didn’t like nodding off/sleeping as a high. Meth is my DOC ((drug of choice)). I quit drinking alcohol a little over 2 years ago as well, save for one beer and one Bloody Mary on separate occasions. I’ve, of course, smoked pot ((I hate the high from marijuana now though so it’s been over a year since at least)). I’ve used mushrooms, dropped acid and done salvia all one time each in my teens. My gateway drug was oxycodone with a prescription for an extended period.

How I got into drugs when I was a stay at home mom: I was in an accident in 2012 that caused me to break my four front teeth and upper portion of my jaw. Due to the painful nature of broken bones and teeth I was prescribed oxycodone 30 mg tablets very generously. My doctor meant well, wanting to keep me from being in pain, and eventually he reduced my prescription to 10 mg tablets but it was too late by then, I was hooked and didn’t even know it yet. I figured out very quickly that I had become addicted to pain pills when my amount was reduced and I started having aches and cravings for more pills.
So I had been taking a prescription, not street drugs, and was a capable mom and wife and doing all my normal activities which deluded me into believing I was safe from addiction. Turns out my doctor was just my dealer with a degree and a script pad.
After the doc reduced my fill I got desperate to “feel right” and bought pills from a friend whose kids and mine had play dates.
Haha STOP! GOTTA CATCH MYSELF I AM GOING TO BE BRUTALLY HONEST ABOUT MY USE AND FEELINGS THROUGHOUT USING AND QUITTING SO THERE IS SOMETHING AUTHENTIC ABOUT this BLOG AND MY STORY. SO I’M GOING TO TELL ON MYSELF AND CALL MYSELF OUT WHEN I TRY TO LIE — judge not lest ye be judged lol — I started buying pills from a dealer I met through my husband’s work friend, dude’s brother, and brought my kids to play with his kids because my kids went with me everywhere, turns out even to buy drugs.
((I SO want to justify that it was JUST pain pills that he sold, not CRACK, and that we hung out with him and his wife occasionally not JUST took my kids to their house to buy drugs. As I think back my kids and I were there a lot for a while but that doesn’t make it a good scenario…. So there is my bullshit attempt to make my poor choices seem okay but they weren’t and I sound dumb and caught. I’ll continue to incorporate my inner struggle with admitting my shit so I am being honest but yikes to actually publishing this right?!))

So much information and so much time to tell all about it after I get some sleep and wake up to start my DAY 1 of sobriety.

Toodles