Posted in a few blocks in my converse, liFe on liFe's TerMs, reblog

pocketmindfulness.com gets me

When life gets me to my breaking point and my sanity is endangered I frantically type in my favorite website/blog url and wait impatiently for it to speedily load so I can click the newest article and every time I have done so it is exactly what I need to hear. It is as though the author has written it just for me knowing just what I need to hear to calm the storms of overthinking and swirling of bad ideas that I’ve concocted and often am set on pursuing right up until that one brave intelligent brain cell pipes up to remind me that I should always check into pocketmindfulness.com before going completely off the deep end as it has worked wonders since I found the site almost two years ago.

It is still a mystery how I came to have the blog appear on my screen by no doing of my own as I was having a nervous breakdown when my laptop was being accessed remotely and I didn’t know how to make it stop or who would be doing so (they did nothing nefarious to my computer and to the best of my knowledge didn’t take anything that I have missed or has been used without my consent I just lost control of my cursor and when I regained control this site was open on my browser and I’ve been hooked ever since *no affiliation between the site owner and the remote accessing fyi*) but I am forever grateful that it did.

The following is the beginning of the article that brought me back from the brink of sanity and showing my ass in following through with the bonkers plans I was making a couple days ago…

I specifically don’t post the entire article so you can navigate over to the author’s post and give him the credit he’s due and traffic to his site which is ad/popup free and has a lot more great posts and information I guarantee will help you if you are looking for a more mindful existence.

Pocket Mindfulness

Be here.

A Simple Tip for Success – Don’t Fall Into Story

People say there are no shortcuts to success, and I think that’s largely true.

Hard work combined with a little bit of good luck along the way is probably the closest recipe.

That said, one thing I’ve learned about success in any endeavor is that negativity will greatly reduce your chances of reward.

I’m not saying that positive thinking will bring you success; nothing will happen without action.

But what I can say with absolute certainty is that being negative and focusing on past bad experiences does not bring anything positive to your life.

Of course, that can be quite difficult to do, particularly if you have been traumatized by a bad experience.

In this case, I would encourage you to seek help, be that through counseling or therapy, or through methods such as meditationself-hypnosis, or by reading about the experiences of others who have been through similar.

The fact remains, though, like violence breeds violence, negativity breeds negativity.

success-tips

Don’t Fall Into Story

I once heard a really good tip for success from Tim Ferris, author of the 4-Hour Workweek. I think it was in a podcast interview where he said the worst thing you can do is to “fall into story”.

By the way, it’s an amazing book for those looking to work less and have more time for the fun things in life. + See it here on Amazon.

This is one of those lines that has stuck with me for many years and, whenever I catch myself doing just that, I say that line out loud to snap myself out of it.

I even have a Post-It note on my wall that says “don’t fall into story”

Falling into story refers to that frame of mind you slip into when things aren’t going your way, or when you feel overwhelmed or in a bad mood, or you just feel like you’re not making progress – despite how much effort you’re putting it.

So you revert to saying things like:

….Keep reading by clicking here it’ll take you to the article posted by the author on his blog at pocketmindfulness.com

Posted in a few blocks in my converse

Progress not Perfection

One small step for MY SANITY, one giant leap for THE REST OF MY LIFE.

You weren’t my first thought upon waking up this morning, you were like my 43rd thought which means you crept into my brain about 5 minutes after I got out if bed.. thats mighty generous time wise because my thoughts go quite rapidly especially in the early am <and thankfully I now control them for the most part so I don’t have to coax my brain to sleep every night as was the norm for a lot of years> but you weren’t my first thought so thats progress. I did that without his help and really in spite of his deterrents he’d always lay in my path when i was doing well and finding my independence more so/growing spiritually and loving me more.

So screw you and your gaslighting tactics and withholding love and affection to keep me in your twisted need for complete control, Maurice <previously Alex but fuck him Bailey … I mean bailing and then leading me on! Worse yet confusing and leading on Hope when she’s been through enough and then some!!> you don’t deserve to be part of our amazing family anyway.

100th post!!n Correction NOT my 100th Post as I guess one post published 3 of 4 times…. OOOOPpps

I AM Surviving you!

Having had a spiritual awakening as the r͟e͟s͟u͟l͟t͟ ͟o͟f͟ ͟t͟h͟e͟s͟e͟ ͟s͟t͟e͟p͟s͟, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many of us exclaimed, “What an order! I can’t go through with it.” Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are WILLING to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual PROGRESS rather than spiritual perfection.

Big Book of AA pg 60
Time to start anew!
Growth and choosing happiness!!
Posted in a few blocks in my converse, liFe on liFe's TerMs, positive thoughts, reblog

the thought life

This book was my saving grace and changed my life and my way of thinking so drastically and I am better for it. So I’m sharing it with you so that, while it might not be as instantaneously impacting as it was for me, you can see the way I have changed my thinking so that I am happy no matter what is going on in my life or where I’m at. It is a choice – and a pain in the butt sometimes to choose to do – to choose happiness and reframe my thinking and it took a few weeks of continuous conscious effort to stop the negative thoughts that seemed to come so naturally and having to be honest with myself wasn’t a walk in the park either. But it is worth it on the other side. I’ve always poo-pooed self help books as schemes to make a buck off of our insecurities and maybe some are but most all of them have a positive message and ideas that can help or inspire us in one way or another so let them have their buck for writing down what we should already know and be doing, it is mutually beneficial. The book that follows is not making a cent off you or me or anyone for that matter, it is not copyrighted and available free to the public (you can find it for purchase too in audio and print but its a public-domain book so you can find it for free *see links after book*). It is pretty simple and repetitive but the ideas within can open up a whole new world for you if you want them to. I’ll also add the audio version somewhere in here because that is how I first “read” it, with my ears and pen to paper scribbling notes like a madwoman, and all in one sitting (and then again, and later again still and somewhere in there I’ve read it a couple times over) and wham bam thank you ma’am I’m still right where I was but I enjoy and am happy. My stoic best friend doesn’t agree with thinking your way out of poverty and she’s right that sounds unthinkable! Yeah that was sooo cornily on purpose, sue me (can’t squeeze a turnip!!). Okay I’m done. Anyway she is the smartest lady I’ve ever known, and I’ve known some really smart people so she is impressive, but she’s wrong on this one (loves you my errant muse!!) and I’m gonna prove it – just give me a couple years! Really though she is correct that you can’t JUST think positively and get anywhere but that is where this system of thinking and ACTION works. It is about thinking positively and accepting things as they are and improving upon them by turning those positive thoughts into actions that bring about better outcomes. You catch more flies with honey (shit may attract more but honey keeps em stuck) than vinegar, right?

Okay let me stop rambling and without further adieu As a Man Thinketh written by the genius philosophical mind of James Allen. (I made it pretty!)

Ŧ๏гєฬคг๔
Cԋαρƚҽɾ 1: Tԋσυɠԋƚ αɳԃ Cԋαɾαƈƚҽɾ
𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 2 : 𝒆𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒄𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒐𝒏 𝒄𝒊𝒓𝒄𝒖𝒎𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒔
Cԋαρƚҽɾ 3 : ҽϝϝҽƈƚ σϝ ƚԋσυɠԋƚ σɳ ԋҽαʅƚԋ αɳԃ ƚԋҽ Ⴆσԃყ
𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 4 : 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒑𝒖𝒓𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒆
Cԋαρƚҽɾ 5 : ƚԋҽ ƚԋσυɠԋƚ-ϝαƈƚσɾ ιɳ αƈԋιҽʋҽɱҽɳƚ
𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 6 : 𝓥𝓲𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓷 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓘𝓭𝓮𝓪𝓵𝓼
Cԋαρƚҽɾ 7 : Sҽɾҽɳιƚყ
(っ◔◡◔)っ ↫↫↫↫↫𝙵𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎 by 𝙹𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝙰𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚘𝚠𝚗𝚕𝚘𝚊𝚍 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝙻𝚒𝚋𝚛𝚒𝚅𝚘𝚡’𝚜 𝚎𝚡𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚙𝚞𝚋𝚕𝚒𝚌-𝚍𝚘𝚖𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚕𝚒𝚋𝚛𝚊𝚛𝚢.. ↬↬↬↬↬

The James Allen Free Library

The James Allen Free Library aspires to make all the works of inspirational writer James Allen (1864-1912) available online, to anyone, for free, in both English and Dutch.

Posted in a few blocks in my converse

honesty is easier

Say what you like: say I'm ill,
Say I broke my leg on the stairs,
Say we've had a fire
—T. S. Eliot

Think of the trouble of excuses and lies. They force us to make ourselves sick, live with a whole broken leg, start some sort of slow burn. When we tell someone we're not at home, we have to hide in that place. When we invent a long line of lies, we have to memorize each one. It's easiest just to come clean, use plain and simple words, and speak true. When accusers spear us with their stares, we can disarm them by looking them right in the eye.

Not only do lies deceive others, they keep us hidden from ourselves, and make our real reasons for the choices we've made seem unworthy, if we feel we can't express them. Better that we be truthful, even if a little pain results. Truth keeps communication lines open. Then, when someone really wants to know what's on our minds, we can simply open our hearts.

Is anything too terrible to tell to a friend?

From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991

Thursday, February 20

Say what you like: say I’m ill,
Say I broke my leg on the stairs,
Say we’ve had a fire
—T. S. Eliot

Think of the trouble of excuses and lies. They force us to make ourselves sick, live with a whole broken leg, start some sort of slow burn. When we tell someone we’re not at home, we have to hide in that place. When we invent a long line of lies, we have to memorize each one. It’s easiest just to come clean, use plain and simple words, and speak true. When accusers spear us with their stares, we can disarm them by looking them right in the eye.

Not only do lies deceive others, they keep us hidden from ourselves, and make our real reasons for the choices we’ve made seem unworthy, if we feel we can’t express them. Better that we be truthful, even if a little pain results. Truth keeps communication lines open. Then, when someone really wants to know what’s on our minds, we can simply open our hearts.

Is anything too terrible to tell to a friend?

From Today’s Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991

Posted in a few blocks in my converse

gₒ ₐₕₑₐd ₖₑₑₚ ᵤₙdₑᵣₑₛₜᵢₘₐₜᵢₙg ₘₑ

🅷🅰🆅🅴 🅰 🆆🅾🅽🅳🅴🆁🅵🆄🅻 🅳🅰🆈! 🅰🅽🅳 🆁🅴🅼🅴🅼🅱🅴🆁 🅷🅰🅿🅿🅸🅽🅴🆂🆂 🅸🆂 🅰 🅲🅷🅾🅸🅲🅴 – 🅸🅵 🅸 🅲🅰🅽 🅱🅴 🅷🅰🅿🅿🆈 🅸🅽 🆃🅷🅸🆂 🆂🅸🆃🆄🅰🆃🅸🅾🅽 🆈🅾🆄 🅲🅰🅽 🆃🅾🅾 🅽🅾 🅼🅰🆃🆃🅴🆁 🆆🅷🅰🆃 🅻🅸🅵🅴 🆃🅷🆁🅾🆆🆂 🅰🆃 🆈🅾🆄!!

꓄ꃅꍟ ꉓꀎ꓄ꍟꈤꍟꌗꌗ ꀤꌗ ꍏ꒒ꂵꂦꌗ꓄ ꀎꈤꌃꍟꍏꋪꍏꌃ꒒ꍟ!

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, reblog, recovery

reblog :: 06.08.19 – reading in recovery : today’s gift

from Hazeldon Betty Ford Foundation.

reblogged from christophermturner
check out his site MY LIFE AND OTHER SORDID TALES

Saturday, June 8, 2019

Today’s Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts. — Rachel Carson

Beauty is everywhere. It is in the daisies, in the lavender wildflowers, in the new green grass of spring. As we walk through life, noticing such beauty strengthens us. It reminds us of the spiritual creative force alive in this world. On better days, we can feel our own creativity gaining power from such beauty. On harder days, nature’s sunset can help us step out of our suffering for a moment to be comforted and inspired by its splendor.

Even storms, in their wild and angry way, show us a power greater than ourselves. Such awesome beauty is beyond our understanding, and yet it is part of the earth we live on.

What lessons will nature teach me today?

clean.dopefiend: I needed to be reminded that 1. I’m not alone and
2. continuing to try again and again is the making of success. I know I’ll get there, I wish I wasn’t making it so hard on myself.
and 3. finding the beauty in life is a positive step toward healing.
Today I will take my daughter out to walk in the rain and appreciate the purity and beauty of the earth being washed anew. We will intentionally seek out three positive takeaways from the experience that we wouldn’t and likely couldn’t have learned if we’d stayed inside.

Posted in recovery

δαλs 2 αηδ 3 – ραss τнιs sнαℓℓ

Forcing myself to spend time awake and involved in my day.
My body craving sleep and pulling me toward hibernation.
I fight it.
Day 2 I felt fine for most, worked an extra 3 hours and only fell out toward the end. Just my friendly coworker noticed and brought me back to focus without consequence. Thankful. Grateful. Stayed awake the rest of the day hit NA and fought with my internet. Finally giving in to the desperate hold of sleep when Alex pulled me in for a hug that I kept embracing until morning rung.
Day 3 only a 3 hour workday (they asked for extra, I couldn’t give) sick to my stomach, just an ache that wouldn’t amount to releasing anything but threatened insistently. My head burst intermittently when I moved just so, and just so was not consistent to any one movement it was just so. Boss bought breakfast thought I wouldn’t, then I did and so worth it. I hadn’t eaten in days probably a big cause of my haze. Thankful. Grateful. Full. Got home and gave in, let sleep win. Overcome with comfortable ease of nothing I didn’t make NA, skipped treatment too, called in and said I had the flu. Fever! don’t make us sick, yeah I’m not slick she knew I wasn’t. Got my ass up to go see my girl sing in her school choir performance. Spent the whole time searching the sea of young little faces and none belonged to me. Listened and waited and left with confusion, tried her dad’s phone to no resolution. Later she called and we figured it out – she’d been standing too low for my shortness to account. Moral being that I’m glad I’m kicking my own ass out of hibernation and not letting life just pass. Cause even though we didn’t see one another she was just overjoyed that I’d been there to support her. These moments we can’t get back and of which I’ve missed too many.
I’m interrupting this cycle and taking away my excuses, its taking real effort and not even about using. I only have a tiny smidge of craving that gets stamped out with thoughts I’m reframing. None of this is meant to be a complaint or a whine – just putting my experience out there so anyone in need can see it is hard as hell but we can be set free.

Posted in recovery

pɐʎ 1 – gOOdbYe yesterdAy

Today is the day
To make a change
To take a chance
To leap with faith
To keep my mind safe
To ask for help
To task my.self
Allay all doubt today

They said it works.
I read it works.
I tried my way.
They provide my way.

Nothing to lose
Unless I choose
Again to use
And induce self-abuse

the feLLowship [A.A.]
welcomed me back with
open arms
NbS [N.A.]
welcomed me in with
open hearts


It always seems impossibLe
until its done.


time Takes time

Situation
That
Opposes
Positivity

I’m doing recovery for keeps NOW.
Will I stay clean?
According to them [N.A./A.A. people] so long as I’m working my program I will succeed
Almost finished with my step 1

So thankful for the welcoming fellowship in both of the programs [N.A./A.A.] and I am greatly enjoying meetings.

when aLL eLse faiLs
foLLow directions

Changes:
Attending NA & AA daily if work allows
Actively searching for a sponsor
[the woman I asked today has all the sponsees she can handle but said I can call anytime]
Working the steps and doing the work with N.A. Step Working Guides

Failure is only real if you give up.
Posted in recovery

0.twenty-two :: after hours jams

Daily Reflection                                                                            May 22

          Step One

                 “We…” (the first word of the first step)
                                     TWELVE STEPS & TWELVE TRADITIONS PG. 21

When I was drinking all I could ever think about was “I, I, I” or “Me, Me, Me.”

Such painful obsession of self, such soul sickness, such spiritual selfishness bound me to the bottle for more than half my life.

The journey to find God and to do His will one day at a time began with the first word of the First Step …. “We.”

There was power in numbers, there was strength in numbers, there was safety in numbers, there was life in numbers.
If I had tried to recover alone I probably would have died.
With God and another alcoholic, I have divine purpose in my life… I have become a channel for God’s healing love.




– – – Angela – – –


…hate sharing first. Like sharing later but its so quiet….
I came alone, I stayed alone cause I didn’t reach out and didn’t want anyone reaching out for me… I didn’t know you.

When I came in it was just still me. So I got a sponsor who took me through the book.
I do my recovery, I’m real selfish and take my recovery personal.
The we part is coming to the rooms of alcoholics anonymous and here we are not alone. Step one : “Every natural extinct cries out … 12 steps” the bedrock on which purposeful lives can be built.
We part. Growth and freed me. Allowed me to be me.
I wasn’t that stern as I believed myself to be but I crumbled coming into the rooms.
On the streets I was alone.
Teddy bear I was came out.
Being able to transmit what I’ve been through. Didn’t do that by myself.
Made possible – its a we thing.
WE ADMITTED WE’RE POWERLESS!
Follow some simple directions.
Never made it to see the wizard.
Freedom. Patience. Peace of mind.
Guess I’m dorothy.





@Kevin

Together we stay sober .. alone we get drunk or high.
I have to have some me, we friends, hot and cold. Happy and sad. I’ve got to have it all.
If I’ve never been down I don’t know what it’s like to be up.
I know what it’s like to be down… poor me poor me buy me another drink.
But, now I can get out the water when I want to.

List of blessings…the good stuff.
A lesson or a blessing.
I gotta go through what I gotta go through to get where I need to go.

We do this together.
If you want to join me come on…
if you don’t I’m not gonna chase you.
Attraction not promotion.

IF you’re in the solution send a message of hope to the hopeless.


This disease makes you tell lies to yourself.
Locked up in your head, in your thoughts.
Don’t have to go to prison – locked in your thoughts.


Addiction will dance on your coffin.


Man called 2 am bout to kill himself and you can’t answer yo phone.

Put on the uniform but if you never get in the game you can score a touchdown.


I’m truly blessed. I’ve been truly overpaid if I were to die today.

I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna walk you through this. You need another individual who has walked down the path to walk you down that path. Somebody will take you down that path.

It is such a joy to humble yourself and be teachable.
Come here to learn how to stay sober
and carry that message on to the next alcoholic who is willing to listen.

Tried to outsmart the disease and now they’re dead.

I’m able to do what I want to do today because I’m sober.
Just stay sober one day one minute at a time.
Put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

We together stay sober. Get in the middle of the tribe. Get up front. Don’t wait. Its not coming to knock. Paid on your actions not on your intentions.

If I go out and use today it isn’t the program not working its because I decided not to use the program.

If I take a drink today there’s gonna be a yard sale tomorrow and half the shit aint gonna be mine.

Victim to the disease




&^Dan^&

i couldn’t do this alone and i tried so many times and don’t know how many times I failed.
Got to aa found out i couldn’t do this alone.
We, made sense.
I didn’t talk for a day or two or a year. 6.
Sometimes I just listen.
Read the stories and understand the Big Book.
We together solve each others problems or at least give suggestions.
We can survive another day of sobriety if WE want.

Write down what is going to make you use: Go and do it because it is going to happen. Have you found your yet, yet?
By being a group of ppl who understand each other. Ppl who haven’t been in addiction don’t understand.
I have been known to be wrong haha.

Gotta do the work and it’s free.






><Gerald><

We wasn’t never meant to be alone.

If in some way you come here and don’t see AA materializing in your life on a daily basis you’re doing something wrong.

Phobia of other ppls dogs. Coming at me all aggressive. Asked the Missus to put him up. She swore and called me an idiot. Didn’t respond didn’t escalate. Just left.

You get to see these little things.
If you’re not helping you’re hindering.
We is a group.
I come here to learn. To get through my day.

Can’t live yesterday over again. Can’t live tomorrow cause it never comes so I’ve got to live in here today.

Sometimes, somewhere in your life something gotta click.
I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed but I can cut ya.

Stopping and starting day over again.

I have to live for me but have other people in my life.
I can’t walk a straight and narrow but I’m not Jesus, I make mistakes.

Keep my feet planted moving forward.
Hope to never go backward but have people in case yet happens.

Nip shit in the bud.

Aint fittin to hit you in the head with a bottle today, I’m going the other way.

Anger is a big part of I fell down. YOU MADE ME DO IT. Umm nope.
Excuses excuses excuses.

I woke up this morning but I didn’t do it myself.



A day late and I brought four quarters!
So just enough and in the nick of time…
…for today and all we’ve got is now
peace, love, happy thoughts, and good vibes
whimsicaL Lackadaisy

Posted in recovery

0.twenty-two :: piqued curiosity | finding N.A.

NA . Meeting One

Who’s an addict?
What is the NA program?
Why are we here?
How it works (the stEPS)
Twelve Traditions
Daily Meditation
We do recover.

 

  • Living Clean. 1983
    • more will be revealed
    • we grow as individuals & as a fellowship
    • sharing, caring, & service
    • face life on its own terms without drugs
    • practice principles in life
    • impact of our recovery on our own lives and others
    • giving, living, loving more
    • we can find hope even when our lives are very difficult
    • different moments teach us, reach us, or help us breakthrough
    • collection of experience, strength, and hope


**Most important thing about living clean is that we’re ALIVE to do it.**
***Miracle of getting clean is not the last that we’ll experience.***
**We are living clean and every day the journey continues.**




Deon: service position? but am i honestly available? don’t want to overwhelm myself. never thought i could put on a jersey again. grateful for the opportunity.




 

-Justin-
going through it. this morning saw a video on facebook of 3 chicks doing meth. body just reacted to it. had an anxiety attack. called a “close mouth friend” for an ear.
feelings are temporary. you just have to let them pass. but that means you have to LET THEM PASS.
preparing for Dad to not be around anymore, he’s ill and getting his affairs in order in preparation for the end. i have to show him i’m ready to be on my own so he isn’t worried.
just for today clean – lean on people to keep me clean.

 





^Lee^ :: mom passed a couple years back. still painful.
              my addict – “King Kong on Steroids” telling me to “do this, use
              that, to avoid the pain.
15 years in August.
              streets out there don’t give a fuck about you.
              there is work to be done IN HERE.
              addiction doesn’t care it just wants to destroy you.
By being at a meeting, as addicts, we’re doing something against the grain.
              go back out misery refunded 154%.
              today is not a good day to die.




 


..Jesse..
2 years off coke. 1 year off meth.
Speaking up for prayers for a guy in need on
bus who got beat up and was having seizures.




#Brie
first got to the rooms was super prego and scared
weird to think b/c this place isn’t scary – out there is scary
all I could do was be here and listen, was speechless

chaired – everyone focused on me — self obsession
panic attack, overwhelmed
not about Me, about US

the meetings aren’t just HERE, this is a well-oiled machine

clean a building – get to get out of my head and sweat – keep from gaining cause “I eat!”
been only coming to a meeting when I chair
which is not enough
I feel lacking

sharing brought me out of my shell
that’s the 360




!!Victor!!
service positions kept him clean
get in there and get it – see the difference in your life & changes
friends from active use came in and got clean too
even some people who’ve gone back out have come back
what this program has to offer is AWESOME!
if you’re struggling – NOT worth picking up
“Hang out – get in someone’s back pocket”




))Dan((
b/c of these rooms … 4 months 1 day (19 yrs after 1st try to get clean)
gotta be the father my son needs (mom died in accident)
went into inpatient of own accord
son didn’t need/want stuff – needed Dad!
“being a father is brand-new to me” raised daughter in addiction
IF I DON’T DO IT FOR MYSESLF I’M NOT GOING TO DO IT FOR NOBODY ELSE.
felt like a DIRTbag but feel human again now being clean
son fills my heart – love myself again
routine::morning affirmation. picks up son out of bed and stands him up.
Neither here nor there – immaterial things
Love myself so I can love my son and my family again.
$$= 




Henry
used to “sleep” out in back of meeting room/at mcdonald’s
knows the homeless community, had been part of their community
HAVING Motivation to keep striving to stay clean
Motivated by gratitude list
living smarter, wiser, cleaner
Not going to forget where I came from or where I’ve been (ie homeless community)
Humble self – no
t going to forget




{Heather}
@NA we give back & run things from within
Stick and Stay
Don’t quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens




Who is an addict?

Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another—the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death.




What is the NA program?

NA is a nonprofit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovering addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean. This is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs. There is only one requirement for membership, the desire to stop using. We suggest that you keep an open mind and give yourself a break. Our program is a set of principles written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives. The most important thing about them is that they work.

There are no strings attached to NA. We are not affiliated with any other organizations. We have no initiation fees or dues, no pledges to sign, no promises to make to anyone. We are not connected with any political, religious, or law enforcement groups, and are under no surveillance at any time. Anyone may join us, regardless of age, race, sexual identity, creed, religion, or lack of religion.

We are not interested in what or how much you used or who your connections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help. The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away. We have learned from our group experience that those who keep coming to our meetings regularly stay clean.




Why are we here?

Before coming to the Fellowship of NA, we could not manage our own lives. We could not live and enjoy life as other people do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in drugs. We placed their use ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have drugs at all costs. We did many people great harm, but most of all we harmed ourselves. Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities we were actually creating our own problems. We seemed to be incapable of facing life on its own terms.

Most of us realized that in our addiction we were slowly committing suicide, but addiction is such a cunning enemy of life that we had lost the power to do anything about it. Many of us ended up in jail, or sought help through medicine, religion, and psychiatry. None of these methods was sufficient for us. Our disease always resurfaced or continued to progress until, in desperation, we sought help from each other in Narcotics Anonymous.

After coming to NA we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible.




How it works (the stEPS)

If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the effort to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the principles that made our recovery possible.

1.  We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4.  We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.  We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.  We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7.  We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8.  We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.  We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.  We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11.  We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

This sounds like a big order, and we can’t do it all at once. We didn’t become addicted in one day, so remember—easy does it.

There is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery; this is an attitude of indifference or intolerance toward spiritual principles. Three of these that are indispensable are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. With these we are well on our way.

We feel that our approach to the disease of addiction is completely realistic, for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. We feel that our way is practical, for one addict can best understand and help another addict. We believe that the sooner we face our problems within our society, in everyday living, just that much faster do we become acceptable, responsible, and productive members of that society.

The only way to keep from returning to active addiction is not to take that first drug. If you are like us you know that one is too many and a thousand never enough. We put great emphasis on this, for we know that when we use drugs in any form, or substitute one for another, we release our addiction all over again.

Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse. Before we came to NA, many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover.




Twelve Traditions

We keep what we have only with vigilance, and just as freedom for the individual comes from the Twelve Steps, so freedom for the group springs from our traditions.

As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well.

1.  Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on NA unity.

2.  For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3.  The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.

4.  Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or NA as a whole.

5.  Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.

6.  An NA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the NA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7.  Every NA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8.  Narcotics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9.  NA, as such, ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10.  Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the NA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11.  Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.

12.  Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.




Daily Meditation

May 22

Symptoms of a spiritual awakening

“The steps lead to an awakening of a spiritual nature.  This awakening is evidenced by changes in our lives.”

Basic Text, p. 49

––––=––––

We know how to recognize the disease of addiction.  Its symptoms are indisputable.  Besides an uncontrollable appetite for drugs, those suffering exhibit self-centered, self-seeking behavior.  When our addiction was at its peak of activity, we were obviously in a great deal of pain.  We relentlessly judged ourselves and others, and spent most of our time worrying or trying to control outcomes.

Just as the disease of addiction is evidenced by definite symptoms, so is a spiritual awakening made manifest by certain obvious signs in a recovering addict.  We may observe a tendency to think and act spontaneously, a loss of interest in judging or interpreting the actions of anyone else, an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment, and frequent attacks of smiling.

If we see someone exhibiting symptoms of a spiritual awakening, we should be aware that such awakenings are contagious.  Our best course of action is to get close to these people.  As we begin having frequent, overwhelming episodes of gratitude, an increased receptiveness to the love extended by our fellow members, and an uncontrollable urge to return this love, we’ll realize that we, too, have had a spiritual awakening.

––––=––––

Just for today:  My strongest desire is to have a spiritual awakening.  I will watch for its symptoms and rejoice when I discover them.

 

We do recover.

 

Got my first NA keychain to celebrate joining the program.
Posted in recovery

0.nineteen – feelings…no thanks!

I think at some point I said I wanted to feel things now. That I was ready to feel for real. . .
I take it back.
I don’t want to feel.

I broke down yesterday over my situation with my youngest, Hope, and how I never get to see her. I just lost it.
Alex says to think of it as growth and remember that it won’t be like this or feel like this forever.
I, on the other hand, liked being able to just deal with it without internalizing it and without that gut wrenching ache in my stomach. I felt sick all last night. All I want to do is sleep now that I’m not fully hibernating I think I’m hitting depression. I don’t want to deal. I want to hide.

I’ve got nothing positive right now. I want to use. It makes life so much easier for the moment, I realize not in the long run and is actually the cause and continued issue in the problem I am running from my feelings about.

So, I’m not taking the easy way out right now. I’m going to suck it up and stay sober today. At this moment. Right now. I am staying sober. I got through last night and I don’t feel as overwhelmingly sad/upset/ugh today.

Just for today, one day at a time, I’m staying clean.

Posted in recovery

0.seventeen – whimsically wandering

My mind is in a positive swirl of colors today.
It is a weird surreal unbalance to be in.
I don’t feel bad, at all, I feel really good but not correct.

Oh well, I enjoy colorful days on occasion, I think it is a way for my mind to breath outside the medications a little bit. I feel expanded.

I went to a meeting on Wednesday and it was amazing.
I was welcomed back with literal open arms and so much joy and fellowship at The Fellowship.
I love this meeting hall above any I’ve been to, it is like going home.
I didn’t get to NA as I planned this week, my sleeping interfered with waking back up at noon after getting home and to bed at 9 am.
But I will, soon, and I’m excited to.

AA 15.15.19
Meeting One:

Know God,
know peace.
No God, I want to know God again.
no peace. I can’t seem to find him, yet.

*Haven’t honestly given myself to this simple program until now. Was constantly dishonest – didn’t seem to have the capacity to be honest, honestly I wasn’t ready to quit for good and therefore not ready for help.*

Live         Easy        Butfor          Think…     ..First

andLet     Does      theGrace          Think         Things

Live           It            ofGod           …Think        First

I am responsible….
When anyone, anywhere
reaches out for help, I want
the hand of A.A. always to be there
and for that: I am responsible.

Make the doorknob your god [higher power].” (Click for an article that is a great read)

Stop and start our day over whenever we want to.

“People gonna be people and people gonna do things” – Gerald’s mama.
*Can’t control what people do/say – take what you need and put the rest on the back burner*

programmed self to do certain things in our addiction. AA programs you to change your life – IF you WANT to.

“I got to tell someone something good to change their life. Rather than how to jack, steal, junp, rob, etc. Something GOOD to CHANGE their life..”

Resentments: must forgive to be forgiven

“Enjoying Me.
finding peace in A.A., with God, in life, with self” – D

+No peace always chaos, all these things were happening to me – I did them to myself.
you can’t forget your past, but you don’t have to live it everyday.
wow – I did that: homelessness, brown paper sack, didn’t know how I was gonna pay my phone bill, jail… but A.A. brought me out+ – John

“Such a know it all, you couldn’t tell me shit. I know it all!
Surrender & powerlessness.
I could remove alcohol and drugs and I was still a turd; I have to work at being a good person.
Pride – know it all
but I really don’t know shit
Started reading for real this time and at page 8 hit a word I didn’t know – it was humbling
To find God (hardest part for me) had to have my mind open and heart open to form a relationship and get perspective on it.
Went to church because I was intrigued they had something I didn’t, they were happy, at least on Sundays, when they sang they sang. I tried to figure it out and as for the definition of faith and was told you can’t “figure it out” it is something you feel.” – Steve

The ability to adapt to different situations – learned through A.A.

[faith – believing in something unseen. Mind starts changing. -Gerald]

Before ignored “as we understood Him” just shut down “God.”
*I was in my feelings*

“Sticks and stones…” is what we were taught
Bullshit! Words don’t go away
Bruises and breaks heal Words make people
jump off bridges, drink,
etc.

I SHARED!!! I admitted my last 7 or 8 month relapsing and that this was my first time back in the rooms sober since.
I was told keep to keep coming back as is the A.A. way.
What matters is how I proceed to move forward my life forward.
Stop and start day over, as needed.
Gerald said he knew I’d fallen off but “We don’t shoot our wounded. These rooms is like a hospital – come here receive treatment” as to why he didn’t call me on it.

Lastly, you MAD but the person you mad about already went on about their business and forgot about you and whatever they did/said that you are letting mess up your day.

It was a good meeting.

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.sixteen – secrets

My boost in energy the past few days, which I think was due to my wonky work schedule, has come an end.
At work today I heard an awesome song that has so many great lines. I feel like she’s telling my story and my change in attitude from constantly worrying about what other people thought of me to admitting my worst character defects and shortcomings and mistakes publicly without any worry of judgement because it makes no difference in my life anymore. I love me the entire enchilada, unattractive qualities and all (although I am willing to work on them for the betterment of my happiness in life). I love that I am finding really phenomenal writing about the situations and feelings I have experienced throughout my life; it helps give me perspective and is relieving to know I am not alone in my struggle. It is bittersweet and tugs at my heartstrings.
Here, enjoy:

I’ve got bi-polar disorder
My shit’s not in order
I’m overweight
I’m always late
I’ve got too many things to say
I rock mom jeans, cat earrings
Extrapolate my feelings
My family is dysfunctional
But we have a good time killing each other

They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what

I can’t think straight, I’m so gay
Sometimes I cry a whole day
I care a lot, use an analog clock
And never know when to stop
And I’m passive, aggressive
I’m scared of the dark and the dentist
I love my butt and won’t shut up
And I never really grew up

They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are), secrets are
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are), secrets are
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o (what)

Mary Lambert, Secrets
Posted in recovery

0.fifteen – the old man [and me] is snoring!

I love the smell of rain after a couple weeks without it. It’s comforting and refreshing. I also just love the rain! Washingtonian born and raised so I’m in the right state, although there are states with so much more rain than this “rainy state.”

My energy level has dropped back down to mild hibernation again but it felt good to get a breath of energy for a few days.

Just want to say hi! and have a fabulous day, I should be posting again later today if I can stay up after work.. wish me luck!

😴

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs

Emotionally obtuse, me? It


I feel my feels and when I’m ready… I dust myself off and step back in the ring a little more prepared.

Max robes, jesscape.com

Until just recently I hadn’t heard that saying to “feel your feels [feelings]” and I overheard my daughter, Riley, telling her boyfriend that she understood that that was what he was doing and my amazing 12 year old empowered her counterpart to do so however he needed and she would be there for him. My girl is showing empathy! There are a lot of other emotions and hormonal scatterbrain going on in her preteen years so for her to be learning and embracing the complexities of empathy is impressive. She was unaware of the word or action and we had a great discussion on it and her usage and my pride in her last night.

I would say I “struggle” with empathy but that is a lie I know how to be empathetic I would just rather cut the cord of bullshit and get down to the brass tact of the issue. I teach my kids empathy, I know it is important in being a good person to be empathetic, I often am empathetic to an extent but, what is the saying, those who can’t do, teach? Joking, joking. I just have no appetite for listening to someone knowingly lie to themselves to feel better in a situation where they were wrong and know it but are expecting support for their delusions. I’ll admit, some people are further down the rabbit hole of deluding themselves and may not realize when they are in the wrong, those who are the perpetual victim.

But, this is not about them, and that is the heart of the problem with my no nonsense approach to analyzing and/or “helping” in situations (when I’m asked to, I no longer just throw my two cents around except sometimes with coworkers), I’m not sensitive to the other person’s self-denial. I also don’t like to be bullshitted. I can and do bullshit my way around some situations in life that I don’t feel like dealing with but that doesn’t bring about resolution it just placates my ego. It is likely that more often than not I am making a true ass out of myself in talking circuitously instead of taking responsibility and people are just unwilling to call me out on it. So that is what I do for the betterment of everyone.

I would love (and hate in the moment as has been the case) if people would call me on my bullshit. One of my favorite people in the world is my dad and good, bad, or indifferent he has taught me the art of bullshitting; he is also the person I can trust to not play into my self-denial and will call me on the carpet every time. That I love! That I need! So that is also what I do, not always, I know when someone is not ready for self-actualization and don’t push it but I try to make it understood that we can be honest and have a real discussion, no judgement.

Empathy is about the other person, I know, and I am not being selfless as is needed to hone this interpersonal skill but I also know (ego! alert) I am making a positive difference. Yeah I can’t bullshit myself, my dad believes I am a sociopath and I tend to agree I have some tendencies leaning that direction, many people prefer to stay deluded and just be agreed with which is their right so long as they don’t ask my advice.

My aunt Demi is a beautiful, kindhearted train wreck. When we first got back into contact regularly a few months back she learned quickly and brutally that I wouldn’t cosign her bullshit. She still tries it with me and come to find out she doesn’t always see her fault (so she says) and I help her see, so see I’m helping. I’m cynical because I know that I know when I’m wrong even if I will steadfastly play the role of the victim. I do also forget that other people’s minds don’t work the same as mine, as mine doesn’t work the same as other people’s all the time.

My boyfriend has a buddy that will cosign ALL his bullshit and then write another check and it is sickening to witness. When he asked if it was okay that he was planning to ghost me after three years ol’ boy said with all he had done for me over that time it was perfectly understandable and he was the good person in the situation and always had been. Alex talks to him a lot less after I pointed it out because that is not a friend, that is an enabler.

I stayed in self-denial about my fault in losing my girls and still sometimes forget to remember my part. My dad kept me honest throughout though and let me hide in my bullshit only after I admitted my responsibility. That is love and true friendship to me.

So this is a bit of a character defect, or is it? I think it’s on the fence because my intentions are good in wanting to help someone get to the crutch of the issue but a bit selfish in not allowing them to decide when to process their own bullshit. Really if they ask I think it is my right to give my honest opinion but is it right?

I’ve only had a few truly devastating and traumatic situations in my life so I only know from those that I prefer tough love and brutal honesty to commiseration. I also don’t process all emotions. Until today I could not wrap my brain around anger, it just seemed nonsensical and counterproductive to a positive outcome but after reading the reasoning for a person’s experience of anger earlier I gained a bit of understanding as to why people get angry.

Always learning. I realize empathy can be used for sharing all different feelings and emotions through another person’s experience with them. I am just ranting about the enabling kind with a specific kind of people that I have run into a lot throughout life so it seems common and hopefully is relatable. It could also speak to the company I’ve always kept!

My character defects: bullshitting, lying, avoidance, selfishness, pride, ego, manipulation, self-aggrandizing, impatience,







Posted in recovery

0.eleven – i am me, happily

I don’t want to change the world.
I have no expectation of great fame or fortune in my life.
I just want my piece of the world happy and content and to be the best me I can be.
I don’t want to climb mountains.
Often I don’t want to venture outdoors.
I find enjoyment in ideas, in concepts of the mind.
I don’t have great expectations and oft lack motivation.
I don’t want to run marathons, or really put out much effort.
I just want life to include happiness, contentment, and love.
I want to be unburdened by my active addiction.
I am ready and willing to recover, wholeheartedly.
I accept the zombie, she’s introspective and sweet.
I’m done fighting myself on all fronts and healthy and clean is my aim.
I cannot forget to keep purpose and direction in the forefront of my mind.

Positive affirmation for this lovely Saturday:
I am the best mom I can be and my girls love me unconditionally.

Strength to be happily me.

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.

eleanor roosevelt

I am shaking this monkey off my back one day and one step at a time.
I am all in.

Posted in recovery

stEP.1 :: mercy!! Uncle!! I surrender!!

Step1 :: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Part1:
Powerlessness

This is a definite tough place to start for me. I’ve always felt that I consciously made my choice to use, and I don’t want to admit I can’t control my addiction on my own. I’ve also lived by not being the victim and owning my own shit. My dad and I both have never been able to wrap our heads around admitting powerlessness being a strength. After reading, a lot, I’ve finally found that I can accept and admit that I am powerless over my disease of addiction or I would have been able to stay quit all these times I have relapsed over the last 8 months.
The softest and easiest to accept way that I found powerlessness described was: “accepting what is and believing in what could be.” I like it and if I don’t want to deal with the issue I’m having with my pride in accepting giving up control, I’d roll with it. But I want to deal with all these things I have glossed over in my failed attempts to stay clean up until now. I did like a part by the same author saying, “accepting what is and what is not” as to accepting powerlessness and she defines it differently stating that powerlessness is, “admitting that no amount of trying or practicing or self-control” could overcome my addiction.

I found a great post that gave me questions to answer for step 1 as well as lists to be made and I wrote a lot. This is the first step toward regaining control and taking my life back.

Can change: my attitudes, my actions.
Cannot change: other people’s emotions or actions, my disease of addiction, the past
This is what I believe is meant behind the “accepting what is and what is not” and appreciate the great ideas brought about. I just don’t believe that that is all that admitting powerlessness is about.
I think admitting powerlessness is a lot more humbling and personally invasive. I can accept my life being unmanageable without any pause, I know it is true. The concept that I’m, “without power, strength, or ability; wholly unable to act, influence, etc; helpless, impotent!” is something I struggle to convince myself of. My ego makes me want to scream, “I’ve got power! I’ve got strength!”

I think a part of my problem is that I get my daughter Riley every weekend and even with clean UAs and nearly completing treatment Grayson still won’t let me have my time with Hope. I’m unmotivated and in staying clean I’m demotivating.
I realize I can‘t do this without help.

Proof I’m powerless: I’m drawn right back in even though I am content in life and WANT to stay sober.
I have a disease. Just like my schizophrenia and bipolar this is not within my control, I’m no victim but that helps me admit that I am powerless. I have to take medications for my mental illnesses.
The idea of lacking free will though is disheartening and I found that viewing it as such increases the likelihood of failure.
If I don’t believe I can succeed in controlling my addictive behavior, I’m less likely to try.
So boo helpless.
Powerlessness does not say powerless over my actions, decisions, or relationships just over drugs.
I am in control of staying clean and keeping active in my sobriety.
I may not feel like it but I know I am in control over if I go pick up.
I never lacked free will, my addiction just often overpowers it. So I’ll say I’ll say I’m not powerless but my addiction is more powerful than my strength of will.
If I get in the ring with my addiction my addiction will win, likely in the first round.
I don’t view powerlessness as weakness? Oh yes I actually do, I was taught to not give up and I always can do whatever I put my mind to BUT I’ve not been able to kick on my own after multiple tries so over my addiction SOLELY I am powerless.
Talking myself through it and heading in the right direction.
Admitting powerlessness is a step of strength, surrendering things I can’t control.
I never quite understood what powerlessness felt like until this last go ’round where I want to be quit but I keep using for no reason, I’m not trying to escape anything anymore.
So I am convinced and can accept that I am powerless over my disease of addiction. I cannot control it on my own, I need help. For that I will be reaching out to NA for the first time. I’m liking the changes in my outlook that I’m feeling. I just dove into the NA book while working on 1st step questions via their “original step working guides” I found online. I swore I was all about AA and I realize that may have been a mistake since I didn’t even try to experience NA, I got comfortable. This Step 1 is going to take a few parts so I don’t overwhelm you since I want to document all of what I do and I’m really working this step. First step to loving life again!

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?

Harry Shearer
Posted in reblog

Reblog: The Simplicity of Happiness

StoP giVing A FuCk! Here is an interesting perspective and how to on bettering our lives by not concerning ourselves with material things or other people’s opinions of us.
A quote quoted in the post:


“Not giving a f*ck does not mean being indifferent, it means being comfortable with being different”


Mark Mason

I don’t get it but now I can’t share like I did with Emma Scarr’s. It doesn’t seem to connect or add the post/link. Anyone know what the issue is.

So click the quote to go to the post I’m reblogging and enjoy!!

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, reblog, recovery

reblog: I Grieve For My Madness — Emma Scarr


I grieve for my Madness Now it’s so calm and still Everything’s so dull compared to When I was ill…

I Grieve For My Madness — Emma Scarr

There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar levant

I was diagnosed schizophrenic and bipolar 1, combined creating my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I have used drugs to self medicate when I was not fully diagnosed and unable to continue getting the medications I had been on for years. The last time I got sober I had a few psychotic episodes that ended me up in a psychiatric ward for a couple weeks once and a months time the next. Then I got started on a hefty dose of medications. Emma’s poem puts into words perfectly what I’m struggling with staying on my medication and in sobriety. Life is different and my personality is very neutral, I lose my emotions and it takes enormous effort to feel for, toward, about anything. I’ve been told that maybe I should reduce my medications but they’re set to keep my symptoms at bay and less creates more symptoms. I honestly don’t mind most of them, enjoy some even, but I become misunderstood and too much for the people close to me. So I take my medications.
When I use I don’t take my medications. Methamphetamine calms the chaos and keeps me centered. It is like being on medication but still having energy, light, feelings, being.
I can’t and don’t want to keep using though so I have to figure out how to overcome the downer of being medicated in a healthy way. I’m still trying to figure that one out.
This poem describes a big part of my struggle.

I grieve for my madness
Now it’s so calm and still
Everything’s so dull compared to 
When I was ill
 
I saw vibrant colours 
Each subtle shade of green 
Took my crazy breath away 
In a psychedelic dream
 
I could love a man so deeply
I wouldn’t let him rest
I tried to melt right into him 
To climb inside his chest
 
I was never bored
It never stopped at all
My head was a pinball machine 
My thoughts the silver balls
 
I wrote ten million words, I cried ten million tears
I rode the rollercoaster, for thirty manic years
 
But that overwhelming beauty
In the forest and the town
Turned to Earthly terror
On the turn around
 
And the men I had all left me
They didn’t want that love
I was “too intense” 
And they could never be enough
 
And it had to end sometime
You can’t go on like that..
It just seems a little boring
It just feels a little flat
 
So I’ll mourn my insanity 
But I will let it go
And embrace reality
Although it’s rather slow

Emma scarr, I grieve for my madness


It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.


Philip K. Dick , Valis
Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.one mayday! mayday!

Going down!

Well, coming down, hard.

I decided to finish off the last of what I had cause I’m a sucker for punishment. It ended up going through Monday night. Then, to show me just how idiotic that was, I slept through my alarms Tuesday and missed work. So, yet another reason to not pick up again – I want this job and using is fucking that up. In order to function I either have to go back to regular, moderate using or quit, I can’t keep trying to play this binge and purge shit.

I WANT TO QUIT. SO I AM QUIT!

Tuesday I spent the day sleeping. Last night I didn’t take my medication so I wouldn’t sleep through my alarms again and so today I am not asleep per usual after stopping using and I am in an intense amount of pain. Everything hurts. I was sick to my stomach and dehydrated all day at work but made it through, barely. My ears hurt, my lips hurt, my throat, my head, my feet, my fingers everything is lacking fluids and swollen with a pins and needles feeling. I want to feel this so I can remember how not worth it it is to pick up again. Usually I’d just sleep through this part with my medications knocking me out and letting my body recuperate silently but I don’t want to do the week to two week knockout.

I will take my medications tonight but only half of my sleep med so I’m not down for the count and missing calling my girls tomorrow night. I want to get through this awake because I have plans with Riley and Hope this weekend and I’m not screwing it up because I fucked up and used AGAIN. I need to do better. So I will.

I’m too much of a wimp to keep suffering though, since I can kick the withdrawals by getting back on track with my medications, which I need to do anyway, I’m going to. Now actually.

I want to create a template of sorts for a daily check-in that I can use to give an update on my sobriety on the regular and either incorporate it into my focus that day or have it separate from my post as an aside… Any ideas? I’m going to start brainstorming.

Thanks for checking in on me! I wanted to give an update and my brain is pretty mushy so hang in there with me and I’ll get back to rockin’ and rollin’ in my sobriety as we take this adventure!

Last thing: I feel differently about my sobriety this time. I am thinking of so many reasons why I want it and feeling really positive and fulfilled when envisioning my quality of life sober for the long haul. I’m ready for some real change in my attitude and behavior to better myself and my life. I feel ready now. I feel empowered. I can and am doing this.

The time has come.
It’s for the best, I know it.

Posted in reblog

rebLog: She Doesn’t Date — Emma Scarr ..I can relate-cdf

I am so impressed by the creative brilliance I stumbled upon and I want to share this incredible voice and artistry with you.


“She doesn’t date
Or look for a mate
She ducks romance
With a polite “No Thanks”
 
She’s learnt to avoid
The promise of joy
From nice looking men
She’ll not go there again
 
If one sends  a text
That boldly suggests
Meeting up for a beer
She steers well clear
 
She loves her home
Likes living alone
No emotional mess
Drama or stress
 
Yes, sometimes she’s weak
And remembers the treat
Of a cuddle and kiss
But she knows to resist
 
‘Cos when she falls she falls so deep
She cannot eat she cannot sleep
She will worry she’ll obsess
She’ll be a total fucking mess
Constantly she’ll want him near
Cling on to him with all her fear
Make him say he’ll never leave
Love him ‘til he cannot breathe
 
OH MY GOD HE HASN’T RUNG!!
WHY DOES HE HATE ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF TEST?
OH WHATEVER HE ASKS I’LL SAY “YES”
 
And when she gets into that place
It’s a long climb back to somewhere safe
And still the voices call her down
Back into the stinking ground
 
So she doesn’t date
Or look for a mate
She ducks  romance
With a polite “No Thanks””

Emma Scarr, She Doesn’t Date

I find this poem incredibly relatable and honest. The cadence in “She Doesn’t Date” gives it a bouncy upbeat quirkiness that complements the poem’s voice (speaks to the tone, diction, sound patterns and rhythm) which, I believe, embodies confidence and individuality.
This is exactly what I need to remember if/when I am single again. It takes a lot of self-awareness and confidence to be and stay single happily. The reasoning behind staying single in this poem is my downfall in relationships and identifying that is personal growth for me. Admitting it is also.
I hope you enjoy this and please click and visit Emma Scarr’s website (below, click “EMMA SCARR”) to support this amazing blogger. Make sure to like her poem’s post (also linked below, click “She Doesn’t Date – Emma Scarr”)

Emma Scarr

She doesn’t date Or look for a mate She ducks romance With a polite “No Thanks…”

She Doesn’t Date — Emma Scarr
Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.21 – BE now : aspire FOR tomorrow


Prepare for your my future?

 

    Lately, I have been planning (and failing to accomplish) small weekly goals and setting a task to achieve daily (blogging every day! I will get there) to feel myself progressing. While I have yet to reach any of my goals to their fulfillment making them has kept me motivated and constantly thinking creatively; the fact that I am continuing to pursue blogging is proof of that reserved determination. So, I figure, since I’m already so far ahead of the curve, I might as well get even more ambitious and set out a path – barebones rough outline to expand upon in time – to follow toward a my purpose. My logic is senseless and I do so enjoy it as such; it keeps my chaos a tad more organized.

     

   What got me on the idea of sketching out an outline of my way from here to there, there being my intention, my plan, my best outcome, is the topic above being asked of us at treatment today. I got on a roll and it got me amped! I’m also all over the place in regards to my timeline’s synchronicity so that will balance out as our ideas mature along the journey. So here is the synopsis of what I set out to Get ‘er done! in the next 10 years. Remember! it is my first draft of my second first draft:


=_= first time in my life that I am setting long term goals and I’m writing them down 2x now! was scared of goals because they meant effort and the ability to fail. now i’m excited to keep on trying until I thrive. and not stop there. =_+

 

Where do I see myself in 1 year.
  5 years. 10 years.? 


+In 1 month I get my court case dismissed after completing two years of probation so for the next thirty days no shenanigans for sure I want those charges disappeared!
+Over the next couple of months I’m going to be working my most workiest so that the company I’m temping for will hire me on full time (they’ve already brought it up as an idea – yeah they came to me so that rocked) or I’ll take part-time as an ACTUAL employee.wink
+Within 3 months I’d like to have earned 100 followers to this blog I be’s a writing AND get my car all up to snuff serviced to be on point for the next while.
**some ideas to get it so** 
–oil and filter change
–replace spark plugs
–replace any other filters and replenish fluids
–brakes done
–alignment aligned 
((ideas are welcome I know exactly ^that^ much about what I need to do to maintain my car))
+By my daughter’s 8th birthday in August, about 4 months away, I will have worked with an attorney to have gotten my visits on track with Hope. -hopefully it will be every other weekend by then-
+At 6 months I would like to have enough money saved up that I can feasibly put aside enough monthly to be in the position to live on my own. Not that I will but that I will be ABLE to.
+A year from now I plan to be petitioning the courts for more time with my daughters – an extra afterschool overnight per week or every other, I’m thinking.
+In 5 years time I will have both my girls full time again (as long as that is the choice they want still) and we’ll live in a one-story three bedroom home. The kids will share rooms with their respective sexes (if it’s still the 6 of us); the house will be big enough for comfort but cozy with affection. There is the likely possibility of a yard and one, or two, dogs. +Riley will be on her way out of the nest in just 6 years!+
+When I am 43 in TEN years I will have begun and succeeded in paying off my student loans and the credit card debt left to me from my exes. I will be debt free!


A few extras

  • In 5 years this – the hardships to endure in the aftermath of my addiction – will all be a distant memory.
  • Next few weeks ~ diet change :_: breakFast < protein shakes w.Collagen supplement / lunch < fruit smoothies w.Creatine and fat burner supplements / weaning off of NOS and adding in more water / dinner < meat size of my fist, two fistfulls of veggies, over rice
  • Over the following few months ~ eXercise regimen :_: one@ctivity every other day for 30 minutes ie. yoga, walking, jogging, swimming, etc.
  • As things continue to progress I want to eventually create my own website for my blog!
  • To get my “storagerooms cleared out I will take ONE box fill it with junk to get rid of or donate and do so ONCE a week until complete.


So tAdA!
I have more purpose.

“He who has a why to live for
can bear almost any how.”
friedrich nietzsche

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.19 – toxicity is in the air.

Eeeek!
8 days I have let lapse without an update anywhere.
My bad! Have faith I will get better the more sober I get.
I am still sober.
I feel like I’ve lost my creative thinking part of my brain. My brain feels a bit mushy the past week.
I almost picked up today. If it hadn’t been for overtime at work I might have. I’m struggling to feel awake and motivated. I do great at work but just in life outside of work I’m blah.

My boyfriend has been looking at porn chicks – not porn videos but the actual chicks and something about dating… 😦 – so I’m feeling not so awesome about my lack of ANY sex drive. I’m going to try my best to at least fake the funk and get intimate tonight. I still feel like he’s doing something treacherous and I’ve been sleeping while he’s been off doing whatever with his location turned off so I’m in the dark. Snooping only gets you so far when you’re trying to be as unsnoopy while snooping by just checking his accounts and not putting something on his phone to give me all the info. I’m trying to stay away from it all together but like quitting drugs its a process and I’m making good baby steps. I went all week without even checking ANYTHING so I wasn’t even doing that while I’ve been MIA!!

So I took a short interlude to chat with my Riley and my mister on the phone. Ri needed to do homework so it was a short and sweet conversation. Alex is sitting at the laundromat (he went after me which was weird but …. yeah) and we got to chatting about things. It came about that I felt sometimes that I am holding him back with my fucking up and still struggling with addiction self and that I feel selfish, sometimes, for not letting him go. Well I wasn’t looking for reassurance of him wanting to be with me, I was being honest and wanted to know his take. I no longer like that I did that. He feels that it would be healthier for us both if we split. DAMN IT! Let me be completely honest, I knew that was how he felt I just didn’t like the confirmation. We’ve been together three years and I want a lifetime with him but he’s been carrying me this entire time and I’ve just failed over and over. I suspect there may be someone else but that also might be me trying to make myself feel better that it isn’t ME when in fact it is me.
The last thing I can handle right now is a break up. I have no place to go and not enough money to live. I’d not be able to have Riley every weekend because I’d be living in my car… And I adore this man. Probably part of the issue is that I have always been more into him than he to me (except at the very beginning of this whirlwind) and I’ve not been shy about saying so or showing it. People need that intrigue factor and he’s kept up mine by being super evasive and never 100% committal. I feel like since he knew he had me he’s not wanted me but has been stuck with me. I’m a burden on him. And I still have to muster up some sexy-time desire tonight — fuck (no pun)!!
I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.
I know he won’t kick me out and he’ll keep pretending for me for now, okay I think this because it has apparently been what he has been doing but he did just get honest about that so FREAKING OUT. He does love me but I think not in an in love with and want to spend life with and more in a pitiful feeling sorry for me way.

Another interlude.
Asked for clarification – I know how much more clear can he be – and he says that he wants to be with me but knows it’d be healthier if he pursued life as an individual to learn to be good with himself and grow that way. I call bullshit. He was doing just that when I met him and had been for a few years at least and he is very sure of himself. People can grow individually in a relationship and I said as much and he agreed and pretty much said he just needed to be able to do his alone time stuff without all the suspicion from me. He will sit in his car for hours and according to him listen to music and podcasts. I’ve done it with him and he fell asleep which he says is often the case. And he won’t stay parked in our parking area for our apartment he goes to Wal-Mart or various parking areas or he’ll say he’s eating at Subway right by this hotel and be there for over an hour. I’d think if he wanted to listen to his tunes or whatnot it would be just as feasible to do here and especially not in suspect places.
I’ve been worried he’s been picking up hookers since well he picked me up when I was one and his suspicious behavior since… always, I’m realizing this has been since we moved into our apartment in August 2016 after 3 months in hotels (where he was all about me and courting me and unsure of my feelings) that he gave me reason to question what he was doing. I do have to admit a lot of my “gut feelings” likely had to do with the methamphetamine coursing non-stop through my system for the first year but when I was sober before….then he got caught talking to another woman behind my back about admittedly inappropriate stuff….so maybe it was more reality cause it was him who made me feel like I was gone-crazy and that was why I had found stuff while snooping or heard things that I’d recorded. Okay stopping this rabbit hole that I’m starting to go down.
I’ll come back to that eventually but can’t handle too much reality and honesty right now.
Hopefully I will forget it and not concern myself with worrying over the patterns of behavior yet I should probably open my eyes a bit and quit pretending like he’s been so perfect and great to me. I love him, I do adore him, I just know that I’m no crazy person and the dots connect when I’m sober too.
So back to… oh right we had a conversation and he made it clear he hadn’t said he didn’t want to be with me now but the healthy aspect was a FACT. Oh well. I’m suddenly not so concerned with that. Other than believing that he has a person he is hiding in his life who is likely to be female more strongly, his statement is not news if I’m being honest with myself. Also he likes to throw around things like that when I’m starting to feel comfortable in our relationship and getting back on my feet. He did remind me that a couple years ago he was done but couldn’t just see me with nowhere to go and leave me like that. So there is that pity I was talking about.
Damn, I’m just continually getting off track now since I’m feeling emotionally flustered and upset. My bad!
We talked.
He got me to shower with him.
We got freaky.
And then he admits to the porn, kinda. I can legit see what he’s looked at and watched and he’s holding back some important info. Like the teen aspect. Um not cool. He even thinks a story line about a guy faking out chicks with an acting gig to get a “porn star” to fuck on camera is something real rather than a planned and acted out set up… so teens? Does he believe they’re not 18 (which yes, I know they are) cause that would be gross. He had some story for why he looked up the porn to begin with and it sounded like bullshit too.
Ugh.
Ugh.
ugh.
I’m wishing I had just stayed asleep and not opened my computer up today.
Life on life’s terms right?
And if I didn’t want to know what he’s actually up to I could just not look. Can’t really be upset when I don’t like what I see, as much as I wish I’d find something romantic planned for us I’m not an idiot, there is a reason I’m even taking the time to look.
Funny he has told me that “of course I will find something if I snoop” but that shouldn’t be the case. If he snooped my shit he’d find nothing that would make him wonder what I was doing.
Ai yai yai.
I really wanted to enjoy tonight but alas revelations have soured my stomach and made the amazing lovemaking we had shared tonight feel really hollow.
I want to slap myself and remind me that my focus needs to stay focused because this nonsense of his is what got me back on this path when I’d been doing so well to avoid the shit. I’m feeling the emotions this time and they’re uncomfortable and my brain won’t stop whirring with the worst scenarios.

Thanks for listening to me. I needed someone to just hear me, I think. I feel like I shutdown the roller coaster ride I started on pretty well and sharing it helped. So this blog may just do as I hoped in helping me to have an outlet to help me stay sober through stressful stuff and just life while feeling and figuring out my emotions.
I almost want to save this as a draft and retype my post but this is part of the process, for me anyway, being honest out loud about my life.
I think the emotional wave is ebbing cause I’m feeling quite sleepy now.
Off to peaceful sleep – putting positive thoughts in my head 😉

Namaste.