It hurts but it / he always has and with it over it will eventually stop hurting , finally , right ?
Forcing myself to spend time awake and involved in my day.
My body craving sleep and pulling me toward hibernation.
I fight it.
Day 2 I felt fine for most, worked an extra 3 hours and only fell out toward the end. Just my friendly coworker noticed and brought me back to focus without consequence. Thankful. Grateful. Stayed awake the rest of the day hit NA and fought with my internet. Finally giving in to the desperate hold of sleep when Alex pulled me in for a hug that I kept embracing until morning rung.
Day 3 only a 3 hour workday (they asked for extra, I couldn’t give) sick to my stomach, just an ache that wouldn’t amount to releasing anything but threatened insistently. My head burst intermittently when I moved just so, and just so was not consistent to any one movement it was just so. Boss bought breakfast thought I wouldn’t, then I did and so worth it. I hadn’t eaten in days probably a big cause of my haze. Thankful. Grateful. Full. Got home and gave in, let sleep win. Overcome with comfortable ease of nothing I didn’t make NA, skipped treatment too, called in and said I had the flu. Fever! don’t make us sick, yeah I’m not slick she knew I wasn’t. Got my ass up to go see my girl sing in her school choir performance. Spent the whole time searching the sea of young little faces and none belonged to me. Listened and waited and left with confusion, tried her dad’s phone to no resolution. Later she called and we figured it out – she’d been standing too low for my shortness to account. Moral being that I’m glad I’m kicking my own ass out of hibernation and not letting life just pass. Cause even though we didn’t see one another she was just overjoyed that I’d been there to support her. These moments we can’t get back and of which I’ve missed too many.
I’m interrupting this cycle and taking away my excuses, its taking real effort and not even about using. I only have a tiny smidge of craving that gets stamped out with thoughts I’m reframing. None of this is meant to be a complaint or a whine – just putting my experience out there so anyone in need can see it is hard as hell but we can be set free.