Posted in a few blocks in my converse

Don’t let em see you sweat

I’ll be okay just not today .
Photo Credit : Aleksandar Pasaric https://www.pexels.com/@apasaric

It hurts but it / he always has and with it over it will eventually stop hurting , finally , right ?

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery, relapse

0 days – aNother bitiNg of duSt

Admitting my shit to you is a lot harder than I expected it to be on this one.
I haven’t been lying but I haven’t been being honest either.
Playing games that I hate, to avoid asking for help or whatever it is that I need of you, my reader.

sobeRELAPSED

sO that happened.
picKed up this past Thursday.
4 days totaL oFF scRipt

feeling ashamed and foolish
it is me who is fucking my shit up for me
AND WHY? because I wanted more energy back right now, I didn’t want to do the work. I’ve got to do the work.

ADMITTING IT NOW because I’m ready to do sobeR again NOW and need to NOW.

i am maKing a conscious effort to NOT hit up micK and need to throw out the pipe i bought to utilize as soon as it is all gONe.
aDDict me: caNNot toss any doPe in the trash :: will make certain dONe and gONe before beD tONight.
typINg like its a RaNsOM noTe because iT iS — my dopefiend aSS is holding my sobrieTy hostage from mYself.
RaNsOM? reaLLy beiNg reaDy and waNting to quiT and sTay quiT.

There is the rub – am I and do I?
I want to be ready and I don’t want to stress over and lie about what I am doing anymore. In order for me to be honest I have to stay sober, high me lies for no reason.
The idea of not using ever again seems preposterous but that is future tripping and not helpful. I like to get high and that isn’t changing (even while making myself sick knowingly smoking too much so that it will deter me)…and liking to do something I shouldn’t do is not reasonable argument for doing it.
I cannot forget that I am a master manipulator and I am fantastic at convincing myself to do the wrong thing and brilliantly justify my bad behavior BUT have been being honest with myself way more so and pretty brutally.
Already planning my relapse for after I’ve gained ten pounds back Yowza doing this off script may make the actions I do within this chaos more attainable because I’m already overwhelming myself.

pLan for beTTermenT of liFe

daiLy uPdates :: monTh.Day (0.1, 0.2, 0.3 then 1,1, 1.2, 1.3, etc. ) – poSt titLe
focus at least 1 paragraph/4 sentences to checking in about recovery and/or
create template/layout with questions to check in on daily
weekLy goaLs :: cReate new caTegory (StoP tYping LiKe aN aSShoLe NOW) post every
Monday so I can start today :: 2 goal minimum
get BigBook back out and pg 78? every morning …not likely but need to try different ideas.
Medications NIGHTLY and put GAB and some Prozac in car for high anxiety days. (Reduce trazadone on weekends and possibly during week
Set up a check list to document and keep accountable.
Honestly identify and document relapse triggers (ex. weight gain) and what to do rather than use (bullshit I know I wont do) THE RUB!

Brainstorm Ideas for actions/activities to keep me ACTIVELY sober.
Point: I am very focused on using when I’m in ACTIVE addiction but haven’t been being ACTIVE in my sobriety when I am sober. The more I focus on not using is just more time spent focusing on meth. I need to focus on BEING SOBER first. Staying sober will come after I can learn to be sober first.
I admitted all to Alex as well. Continue honesty even if I slip I need to be forthcoming when it happens not later. The real thing to do is bring it up before I pick up because I know and plan my relapses now that I’ve been on the 2-3 weeks gripping the wagon and 1-2 weeks bailing out the back and going on a binge for the past 5 months.
Telling someone I am planning to use before picking up is the correct thing to do but that is me choosing not to use (asking to be talked out of it) and therein lies the issue.

I do not know how to stop wanting to get high. I know it takes time. This last 20 days that I made it up until Thursday I wasn’t craving using so much as I was wanting to have energy. I had been starting to be awake for an hour or two after work toward the end. Life doesn’t have time for my body to readjust my sleep schedule but I have to make time and remember that every time I pick up again all that time my body spent healing is flushed with another couple days added to the length of time I’ll be dead to the world.

Goals, count-up widget for 30 days, google app for sobriety count, lose bEck’s number, vent through blogging, get out of bed by 530 every am, lay out clothes night prior,

hi there!
I could use all the help i can get so any suggestions, ideas, critiques, etc. comment or contact me perty please!!
Thank you!

This blog is saving my ass because I was going to re-up tonight and just keep up the charade until I was ready to face it but definitely put that off for a while. Then I read a couple blog posts that really affected me to a core part of myself that I thought died when Grayson abducted my girls and everything went to hell overnight lit up a bit. Today, though, I was flooded with feelings of empathy, for a minute I let myself care for real, and I for a quick thirty seconds I felt a little rush of hope. I’d have gotten more meth if not for those small but huge mini-emotional breakthroughs. No idea why today but very grateful for it and should maybe put a little faith out there in working on things in my sobriety.

Off to set me some goals and create an outline. Any and all ideas welcomed.
future.ex@dopefiend.blog
lyric@dopefiend.blog

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

Day 16 – betterment

So I’d set some goals for this week and I’ve upheld posting every day (I did forget to hit publish and put one out a day late but still!!) but haven’t finished either of the life stories, however I did start two.

I’ll set some goals for this week tomorrow or Monday. I think achieving some small attainable tasks to completion regularly I’ll feel like I’m progressing more so. One I’m going to do, since I’m thinking about it, is actually attending 2 AA meetings this week rather than forging my slip for treatment. I think my last slip was a bit obviously forged because I switched up some handwriting for one of the ones I use regularly by accident (I was mimicking a different person’s writing instead for the wrong person) and my counselor gave it a very quizzical look. Oh well, I need to start actually going anyway and that gives me a bit more motivation.

Today is a family day we’ve got 3 of 4 kiddos and hopefully the fourth later today.

Feeling a bit anxious but nothing my meds can’t dull down. I don’t take anything addictive (no opiates or benzos) so I’m not getting high off my prescriptions at all either. They don’t prescribe addicts benzos anymore I guess cause they cut off my Xanax. I think it’s the place I go since they have treatment centers within the same entity.
My anxiety is just like a constant gnawing buzz in my head and ache in my gut so nothing specific which is kind of annoying because I can’t actively solve something that isn’t.

Off to enjoy some sunshine!!

Have a blessed day.