Posted in recovery

Day 4-10 – m.i.a. oops

I slept. I went to work from 6:00 am to 2:30 pm and then I came home and went straight to sleep until the following morning. That is the comedown from methamphetamine – a lot of sleeping. Thankfully not much else for withdrawal effects otherwise; a little depression usually but not so much this time around, or at least yet.

I did have to deal with a coworker (another temp) being spun (high as a kite) all week and he is definitely not a functioning addict. I kept having to wake him up – when you OD yourself on meth, especially shooting it (using needles), you can be so high you fall asleep. That is actually the extent of a meth OD unless you have a heart attack or stroke but for whatever reason is isn’t considered an overdose then, probably because that can happen anytime you use an upper not just in cases of OD. I actually lost a decent friend from a heart attack after using methamphetamine – he snorted it which that and shooting it you’re more likely and able to OD whereas smoking it you can’t really, I couldn’t see how at least. Anyway dude was having to be woken up and he was telling the bosses that he was hearing voices so I took him to get an energy drink on break and tell him he was making it really apparent he was high. I think the energy drink helped wake him up that day but he went home early and I’m pretty sure lost his job anyway since it was the second time leaving early because of the same issue. It kind of blows my mind how it isn’t apparent to sober people, well normal (non-addict) sober people at least, when someone is spun out of their minds. This guy is literally telling people he’s hearing voices (people talking shit apparently) and pointing to the ceiling when asked from where and not sent home or to do a UA?! But I guess there are people, like myself, with schizophrenia (mines mixed with bipolar so scizoaffective disorder rather) who hear voices when not on medication so they can’t necessarily judge from that alone. Still he was obviously spun for the entire week and asking me aloud, and I mean loudly aloud, if he seemed spun and then if I thought he was high because of his track marks being visible the day before, again loudly for the entire table to hear. Boggles the mind. It also made me question if I’m really functioning when I use or just believe so myself, but then I realized I went more than a year without anyone being the wiser and only gave myself away by pulling my shirt sleeves up too high one day and then that only gave away my heroin use. I never knew people shot meth until I did so myself though so I understand why that wasn’t apparent.

So my week consisted of sleeping, working, and babysitting a meth user.

I feel pretty okay, no depression, yet and hopefully not to come. I’m still craving and haven’t gone a day without planning my next relapse. I’ve got UAs to take that have kept actually relapsing at bay but I don’t know about afterwards. I know I need to stay clean, but I really don’t WANT to. That, I do believe, is the problem, I may not be ready to quit yet and until I am its not going to stick, I know that is true at least of me. I SHOULD be ready, I NEED to be ready, I HAVE EVERY REASON to be ready, I WANT to be ready, I just don’t think I am yet. Where my bottom is is beyond me because I’ve been SO LOW in life, I lost my kids which was devastating and demoralizing to say the least, because of using so why wasn’t that enough – that actually got me to get higher… But NOW I have my head about me – medicated for my scizoaffective disorder and sober the majority of the time – AND I WANT MY LIFE BETTER. Plus getting my youngest back, since I’ve been able to get my oldest back already but could lose that at any time with using, is based on my sobriety. I’m able to lie my way through all that and bullshit my UA results and stay in compliance with treatment even while using… Not benefiting me at all and, again, it won’t until I am ready to quit. So I am currently trying to get myself to the point where I am ready to quit NOW and stay quit.

I don’t want to. At all. But I do. Go figure that out, eh? I’m sure trying to.

Just keep swimming swimming swimming… What do we do we swim, swim, swim…

 

Posted in recovery

Day 3 – floundering

My brain is mush, I can’t seem to form full thoughts.
All I want to do is sleep and eat and eat and eat and eat.
Part of what gets me back to using is gaining weight. I hate gaining weight. I love being thin! Do I eat healthy to maintain my preferred figure? Of course not! I eat garbage and when I’m getting high the meth metabolism takes care of that – although not loving the current skinny-fat I’m experiencing instead of just skinny – and I rarely eat while I’m high, or much when I’m sober for that matter. But when I first get sober I eat a ton and pack on the pounds. I love the taste of food, I don’t get hungry much so I’m just eating to enjoy tasting food and currently I’m craving Hotpockets! HORRIBLE for me! So tasty though.
You’d think that I would eat healthily since I am consciously aware of what happens when I don’t. But NO! I am also incredibly lazy and want instant gratification AND I am not good at nor do I enjoy cooking! It is worse than that though since my boyfriend often cooks and offers me good healthy foods I should be taking advantage of that but NOPE. While yes I accept and eat what he offers when I’m sober I continue to indulge in my meth-diet (daily a six-pack of Hostess Crunch Donettes, 3 NOS, and lately 2+ Hotpockets) so I’m not benefiting my waistline any in doing so. Stop eating the shitty stuff right?! Tomorrow…I’ll try that tomorrow.

I am awesome tomorrow. My tomorrow me has all her shit together and makes smart choices. She sticks with my plans made today while I’m, usually, partaking in the opposite as I make them. I want to be tomorrow me! Without any effort made or any sacrifice of immediate satisfaction on my part of course. Lackadaisical – do you see!?
I say all this and think to myself, “well at least I’m honest about it. That makes it all okay, I’m not lying to myself or anybody else.” Does it though? I want and even expect things to just BE in my life without any effort on my part. That doesn’t make me a good partner or mom, it kind of makes me a selfish asshole. So this blog is something I’m doing to put effort into my sobriety this time, doing something every day to keep me accountable.

I don’t want to be sober! Honestly, I like being high. If I didn’t HAVE to be sober in order to pass UAs and complete treatment (well I guess I’ve shown I can do that high just fine but could screw it up by doing it that way) so that I can have my kids back I wouldn’t be. I am actually motivated to do things when I’m high. I suck sober. With all the consequences I have faced from getting high (well from people finding out I was getting high) I want to want to be sober and get my life right. But, fuck, I want to do life high, I like it so much better high. If my brain weren’t so slow I’d be able to explain this better but my thoughts are slurred.

I’ll try again tomorrow.

Maybe later today.

Now I just want to go back to sleep and forget.

TaTaForNow.

Posted in recovery

Day 2 – come down

Today was uneventful. I slept the entire day. I woke up twice, this being the second time, to eat and type this. All I want to do is go back to sleep.

My daughter is here. I’m missing out on time with my daughter because of my use. Thankfully, I am going to be sober for a long time this time and be a better mom for it. Well, wish me luck with that at least.

And I need to remember to be grateful for my man’s continued help and support through all of this. He took the kids out all day and let me have my rest and made sure my daughter was included and had a fun day. This is just one of thousands of things he has done to help me over the past three years. He has stuck by me through so much. I’ll end up seeming very unappreciative after explaining just how much he’s dealt with and my taking it for granted…

I’m going back to sleep. The food was not worth getting up for, bleh.

Sweet dreams.

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

Day 1 – ready or not.

So grateful for having work to go to today because I would have been struggling to not go pick up and once again postpone the inevitable if I had been sitting around the house. I didn’t want to leave work, really, I was enjoying being productive and keeping myself busy.

I didn’t even crave getting high so much as I was missing it in my break routine. I’ve worked at this place for one week and one day and, yes, I created a routine on my breaks that involved smoking meth at this brand new temporary job that I can’t afford to lose. I have a serious problem. If I had gotten caught that would have cost me utilizing the agency I work through, as well as this job that I find enjoyable, and likely would have involved the police.

The choices I make when using are so oblivious of consequences and just plain idiotic, almost as though I’m trying or wanting to get caught. The choices I make sober to get high are going to kill me. I was ODing myself on meth over the past few days to finish the shit that I bought at the beginning of this week to postpone quitting Monday, so that I could quit by today ((I am incapable of “wasting” drugs by flushing them even when I want to apparently)). I was smoking myself exhausted and thankfully didn’t cause myself to pass out at work.

So I made it through the day portion of Day 1 and my night is uneventful and safe. I’m flat broke, well I have a few bucks I could pry off of my debit card, so that is a potential bad path of picking up a little something if my night doesn’t go according to plan. ((Negative thinking brings about negativity. I need to NOT give myself excuses for and/or PLAN to relapse.))

The issue: My ex is suppose to be dropping off my eldest daughter for the weekend, she’s suppose to be here every weekend, but last weekend he kept her and didn’t tell me ahead of time what was up so I am nervous that tonight could be a repeat. We have a parenting plan through the court but don’t abide by it and have verbally (awaiting him signing the new parenting plan) agreed to my having weekends him having weekdays for her schedule. He is an addict/alcoholic and has been sober almost 2 years and is, rightfully so I know, skeptical of my continued sobriety ((I was doing good for a while and relapsed in October and continued using off and on until today since then)) but also snubs his nose at anyone struggling with using even after being a degenerate and absent from our daughter’s life for nearly ten years. He knows he has all the power right now, though, because I’m behind on the old parenting plan stipulations for my custody to be restored and she’s suppose to live with my grandparents per the court until she’s back with me but they gave her to him so it’s a cluster fuck. He agreed she’d be here when I talked to him last week but is not responding to my text or answering my calls all week. I hate this and I caused all of it by using drugs and making poor decisions for the past few years. Now I am just fucking myself by using and making my situation with seeing my girls even more difficult than it already is dealing with my exes wanting to punish me.
UPDATE: ***Hooray for the ASS! being me in assuming the worst and this ASS! is happily chillin’ with my daughter while she chats with her friends online. More good news: exhubby is willing to look over the plan I sent him and we are on good terms and in agreement to co-parent and work together. So no negativity tonight or any excuse I may have tried to use to go out and make poor decisions.***

Oh yeah that reason why I need to be sober NOW is because I should STILL be sober now. I relapsed in October, it was my third relapse since getting sober in April 2017, and I am just now making it out of the meth clouds to get my head back on straight. I fell off big time and didn’t even see what was happening. I was still quoting how I fell off for a couple months to myself yesterday. Delusional much, I think so. I thought I had this shit on lock and told myself I was just using for a few days here and there, controlled, purposeful, not addicted just getting high every once in a while… Addicts are manipulative little bullshitters, am I right? Well keeping it about me, I am for sure. I’ve been throwing my life away again and have no one to blame for whatever consequences arise besides me damn self! Oh for fucksticks sakes this is just one day, day one of digging myself out of the hole I’ve been digging behind my own back!

I’m 6 months into a year’s worth of outpatient treatment that was put as a stipulation for my visitations with my youngest daughter and I also incorporated it into the plan with my oldest as well to appease the exes need for me to jump through hoops like he had to. I’m in compliance and all my UAs have come back negative for drugs/alcohol. I’ve been faking the funk for months and cannot wait to go give a real clean UA next week, well maybe the week after I don’t want to push my luck and come back dirty because I didn’t wait long enough after using – failed UA means restarting treatment also. In my research I’ve found that it can take anywhere from 2 to 10 days for methamphetamine to leave a person’s system/be undetectable in urine. I’ve tested the theory, at a different facility than where I attend treatment, at $50 per UA – through some trial and error – with the most recent failed UA being after 5 full days of no use. I’ve wasted a lot of money and created evidence of my relapses by hoping for the best and knowing better which is just stupid and another way using is negatively impacting my life.

Insanity: ME doing the same thing, using methamphetamine [drugs], over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I made it.
I’m getting very sleepy and I have now gone 24 hrs without using.

1 day sober

 

Posted in recovery

Day 1 – no thank you, please

So I’m regretting my decision to quit right about now. It is going to be a long day and I’m filled with anxiety and dread. The idea of such a slow and tedious workday, especially since I’m impatiently waiting to have a conversation with my dude also, is not computing properly to form words… I’m rambling nonsense and not clearly explaining how I feel which is what I want to convey.

My head feels floaty and I believe that a wave of dizziness would overcome me and knock me on my ass if I stood up right now. While my eyes were closed I felt that staying-in-the-womb comfort of warmth and snugness engulf me, sleep was cuddling me after days of avoidance. Then I got to where I am now – propped up on my elbow typing on my laptop and starting to accept that I’m really doing this and it is going to be really uncomfortable.

I’m overwhelmed. Intensely flustered. My teeth hurt and my mouth tastes like paste. I need to get moving and I have no desire to proceed. I’ve described a few of the things I am feeling but there is a lot more going on too that I know getting high would even out for me. Fuck this. I can’t do this and I’ve been up for fifteen minutes. I need to wait until I have a week that I can spend in bed hiding to quit. Except, while I can’t remember what it is, there is a reason I am quitting right now and not putting it off again like I did at the beginning of this week already. It’ll come to me eventually and I couldn’t pick up before work even if I tried.

My whole body is aching.

Onward.

Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

Sleep to sobriety

So this is it, today was my last day being high.
Since this is the first entry I want to have something captivating to say but, to be honest, I am just tired and ready to be done.
I’m creating this blog to document my sobriety and the ups and downs of getting clean.
Here’s an idea let me introduce myself and my situation.

I’m Lyric. 32 year old white female. Long brown hair, blue eyes, currently a little too thin and as always 5’1″. Right now I’m sporting pigtails and a beanie with holey jeans and a hooded t-shirt suggesting “Start a Revolution” (and never would have thunk it a hooded t is actually cute with a long sleeve under..).
I’m a mom of two daughters, Riley and Hope, 12 and 7 respectively, and the girlfriend of a guy I want to smack upside the head at the moment.
I’ve always wanted to blog and love to write so all I needed was something to say and well two birds with one computer – documenting getting sober is keeping me accountable to myself ((and you cause now there is a you)) and is my blog topic.

My addiction, briefly (I will delve into the details in a separate category where I will recount stories of impacting happenings during my active use) here:
I’m a functioning methamphetamine abuser meaning I can still be a useful member of society when I’m high. I was high at work with none-the-wiser this entire past week and they keep requesting me back even-so. I also attend a drug treatment outpatient program once a week and have been under the influence on multiple occasions without repercussions. I’m not proud of my choices, I just am a “functioning addict.”

The extent of drugs/how I’ve used: I’ve ended my few month “relapse” solely smoking methamphetamine but I used to shoot it ((use needles)) and years ago I would snort it ((used it for about 2 weeks one summer in my early twenties)). I have almost 2 years clean off of heroin which I smoked and shot up for a little over a year. I mixed heroin and meth use and combined the drugs to shoot together. I quit heroin because I didn’t like nodding off/sleeping as a high. Meth is my DOC ((drug of choice)). I quit drinking alcohol a little over 2 years ago as well, save for one beer and one Bloody Mary on separate occasions. I’ve, of course, smoked pot ((I hate the high from marijuana now though so it’s been over a year since at least)). I’ve used mushrooms, dropped acid and done salvia all one time each in my teens. My gateway drug was oxycodone with a prescription for an extended period.

How I got into drugs when I was a stay at home mom: I was in an accident in 2012 that caused me to break my four front teeth and upper portion of my jaw. Due to the painful nature of broken bones and teeth I was prescribed oxycodone 30 mg tablets very generously. My doctor meant well, wanting to keep me from being in pain, and eventually he reduced my prescription to 10 mg tablets but it was too late by then, I was hooked and didn’t even know it yet. I figured out very quickly that I had become addicted to pain pills when my amount was reduced and I started having aches and cravings for more pills.
So I had been taking a prescription, not street drugs, and was a capable mom and wife and doing all my normal activities which deluded me into believing I was safe from addiction. Turns out my doctor was just my dealer with a degree and a script pad.
After the doc reduced my fill I got desperate to “feel right” and bought pills from a friend whose kids and mine had play dates.
Haha STOP! GOTTA CATCH MYSELF I AM GOING TO BE BRUTALLY HONEST ABOUT MY USE AND FEELINGS THROUGHOUT USING AND QUITTING SO THERE IS SOMETHING AUTHENTIC ABOUT this BLOG AND MY STORY. SO I’M GOING TO TELL ON MYSELF AND CALL MYSELF OUT WHEN I TRY TO LIE — judge not lest ye be judged lol — I started buying pills from a dealer I met through my husband’s work friend, dude’s brother, and brought my kids to play with his kids because my kids went with me everywhere, turns out even to buy drugs.
((I SO want to justify that it was JUST pain pills that he sold, not CRACK, and that we hung out with him and his wife occasionally not JUST took my kids to their house to buy drugs. As I think back my kids and I were there a lot for a while but that doesn’t make it a good scenario…. So there is my bullshit attempt to make my poor choices seem okay but they weren’t and I sound dumb and caught. I’ll continue to incorporate my inner struggle with admitting my shit so I am being honest but yikes to actually publishing this right?!))

So much information and so much time to tell all about it after I get some sleep and wake up to start my DAY 1 of sobriety.

Toodles