0.twenty-three :: vocables

I want to write. My ideas don’t want to be written.
My synapses are missing their marks.
My brain is like a stubbed toe, pulsating life but producing nothing.

I have words though.
I’ve been writing lines of words starting with words starting with the letter “a” through the letter “z.” I made myself an “ABC Me” with some of my favorite words.
Wanna see?
No? Didn’t think so but you get to anyway!

I find it fun!!

And I made this which I’m actually very fond of:

This makes my heart super happy!

Because you were curious ;P
This is what I’ve been doing.

Abstract affirmations ability align asking arrived ample anxious acceptance
Bowling baffling bedside borderline bashful bastard being belated beard
Cantankerous corduroy careful clasp cheetah creature comfort calligraphy
Demonic dreadful delightful deafening durable doable different digestion
Effervescence elongated epitome effectual entertaining essential easier ear
Frightful figurine futuristic family fortune favors fearless forgiveness fate
Grandeur grateful gripping graduation griddle girlfriend gaze gimpy golfer
Hope history himself hearty hindering helpful hickory hideaway hipster hi
Igloo ignoramus innocent internet inferno icicle itchier illicit itinerary infer
Juice jewelry jack-o-lantern jeopardy journey jingle jumper jumble jiffy jig
Kitten kid kite knife karate kitchen ketchup kindly kipper kelp kill kindred
Lass lord label little lackadaisical limitless live love laugh learn listen lists
Maniac mazes mystery marker macaroni mildew motherly maternal may
Nickname naked never nearsighted nope noodle nutty nutrition nifty nose
Opportunity opponent officially optimistic over octopus optional ocean oh
Prayer pretend perfect picturesque palpable pretty partied parade pariah
Quit quilt quietly quiver questioning quality quarrel quickly quack quakes
Reason ransom restitution remember retaliate regular rapture recess raise
Seasonal simple saint sister sober situational syrup sugary sonar sixteenth
Truck total typical traitor tyranny tiger twisted twinning table torture tape
Unbelievable understanding uptown upside underneath udders usefulness
Victorious vain villain village vent variable virtuous vindictive very vital
Worthwhile wintry wearable whippersnapper waves willow wait wicked
Xylophone xenophobe x-ray xylophonist xenophobia xerox xeroxed xanax
Younger yipped yesteryear youthful youngster yellow yeti yonder yakisoba
Zodiac zippers zero zoom zap zit zebra zeroed zany zen zappy zonked zone

Recovery A to Z

Addiction
Boredom
Coffee
Drug-free
Effectual
Freedom
Gratitude
Help
Inpatient
Journey
Kindred
Life Lessons
Maturity
New
Opportunity
Progress
Quality
Recovery
Sobriety
Teachable
Unified
Vitality
Worthwhile
Xenial
Yes We Can
Zip-line to life

I’m a dork!
Much love.

Nudges of ideas for my brain to try to comprehend are welcomed in the comments. Stupid stubbed brain!

0.twenty-two :: after hours jams

Daily Reflection                                                                            May 22

          Step One

                 “We…” (the first word of the first step)
                                     TWELVE STEPS & TWELVE TRADITIONS PG. 21

When I was drinking all I could ever think about was “I, I, I” or “Me, Me, Me.”

Such painful obsession of self, such soul sickness, such spiritual selfishness bound me to the bottle for more than half my life.

The journey to find God and to do His will one day at a time began with the first word of the First Step …. “We.”

There was power in numbers, there was strength in numbers, there was safety in numbers, there was life in numbers.
If I had tried to recover alone I probably would have died.
With God and another alcoholic, I have divine purpose in my life… I have become a channel for God’s healing love.




– – – Angela – – –


…hate sharing first. Like sharing later but its so quiet….
I came alone, I stayed alone cause I didn’t reach out and didn’t want anyone reaching out for me… I didn’t know you.

When I came in it was just still me. So I got a sponsor who took me through the book.
I do my recovery, I’m real selfish and take my recovery personal.
The we part is coming to the rooms of alcoholics anonymous and here we are not alone. Step one : “Every natural extinct cries out … 12 steps” the bedrock on which purposeful lives can be built.
We part. Growth and freed me. Allowed me to be me.
I wasn’t that stern as I believed myself to be but I crumbled coming into the rooms.
On the streets I was alone.
Teddy bear I was came out.
Being able to transmit what I’ve been through. Didn’t do that by myself.
Made possible – its a we thing.
WE ADMITTED WE’RE POWERLESS!
Follow some simple directions.
Never made it to see the wizard.
Freedom. Patience. Peace of mind.
Guess I’m dorothy.





@Kevin

Together we stay sober .. alone we get drunk or high.
I have to have some me, we friends, hot and cold. Happy and sad. I’ve got to have it all.
If I’ve never been down I don’t know what it’s like to be up.
I know what it’s like to be down… poor me poor me buy me another drink.
But, now I can get out the water when I want to.

List of blessings…the good stuff.
A lesson or a blessing.
I gotta go through what I gotta go through to get where I need to go.

We do this together.
If you want to join me come on…
if you don’t I’m not gonna chase you.
Attraction not promotion.

IF you’re in the solution send a message of hope to the hopeless.


This disease makes you tell lies to yourself.
Locked up in your head, in your thoughts.
Don’t have to go to prison – locked in your thoughts.


Addiction will dance on your coffin.


Man called 2 am bout to kill himself and you can’t answer yo phone.

Put on the uniform but if you never get in the game you can score a touchdown.


I’m truly blessed. I’ve been truly overpaid if I were to die today.

I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna walk you through this. You need another individual who has walked down the path to walk you down that path. Somebody will take you down that path.

It is such a joy to humble yourself and be teachable.
Come here to learn how to stay sober
and carry that message on to the next alcoholic who is willing to listen.

Tried to outsmart the disease and now they’re dead.

I’m able to do what I want to do today because I’m sober.
Just stay sober one day one minute at a time.
Put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

We together stay sober. Get in the middle of the tribe. Get up front. Don’t wait. Its not coming to knock. Paid on your actions not on your intentions.

If I go out and use today it isn’t the program not working its because I decided not to use the program.

If I take a drink today there’s gonna be a yard sale tomorrow and half the shit aint gonna be mine.

Victim to the disease




&^Dan^&

i couldn’t do this alone and i tried so many times and don’t know how many times I failed.
Got to aa found out i couldn’t do this alone.
We, made sense.
I didn’t talk for a day or two or a year. 6.
Sometimes I just listen.
Read the stories and understand the Big Book.
We together solve each others problems or at least give suggestions.
We can survive another day of sobriety if WE want.

Write down what is going to make you use: Go and do it because it is going to happen. Have you found your yet, yet?
By being a group of ppl who understand each other. Ppl who haven’t been in addiction don’t understand.
I have been known to be wrong haha.

Gotta do the work and it’s free.






><Gerald><

We wasn’t never meant to be alone.

If in some way you come here and don’t see AA materializing in your life on a daily basis you’re doing something wrong.

Phobia of other ppls dogs. Coming at me all aggressive. Asked the Missus to put him up. She swore and called me an idiot. Didn’t respond didn’t escalate. Just left.

You get to see these little things.
If you’re not helping you’re hindering.
We is a group.
I come here to learn. To get through my day.

Can’t live yesterday over again. Can’t live tomorrow cause it never comes so I’ve got to live in here today.

Sometimes, somewhere in your life something gotta click.
I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed but I can cut ya.

Stopping and starting day over again.

I have to live for me but have other people in my life.
I can’t walk a straight and narrow but I’m not Jesus, I make mistakes.

Keep my feet planted moving forward.
Hope to never go backward but have people in case yet happens.

Nip shit in the bud.

Aint fittin to hit you in the head with a bottle today, I’m going the other way.

Anger is a big part of I fell down. YOU MADE ME DO IT. Umm nope.
Excuses excuses excuses.

I woke up this morning but I didn’t do it myself.



A day late and I brought four quarters!
So just enough and in the nick of time…
…for today and all we’ve got is now
peace, love, happy thoughts, and good vibes
whimsicaL Lackadaisy

0.twenty-two :: piqued curiosity | finding N.A.

NA . Meeting One

Who’s an addict?
What is the NA program?
Why are we here?
How it works (the stEPS)
Twelve Traditions
Daily Meditation
We do recover.

 

  • Living Clean. 1983
    • more will be revealed
    • we grow as individuals & as a fellowship
    • sharing, caring, & service
    • face life on its own terms without drugs
    • practice principles in life
    • impact of our recovery on our own lives and others
    • giving, living, loving more
    • we can find hope even when our lives are very difficult
    • different moments teach us, reach us, or help us breakthrough
    • collection of experience, strength, and hope


**Most important thing about living clean is that we’re ALIVE to do it.**
***Miracle of getting clean is not the last that we’ll experience.***
**We are living clean and every day the journey continues.**




Deon: service position? but am i honestly available? don’t want to overwhelm myself. never thought i could put on a jersey again. grateful for the opportunity.




 

-Justin-
going through it. this morning saw a video on facebook of 3 chicks doing meth. body just reacted to it. had an anxiety attack. called a “close mouth friend” for an ear.
feelings are temporary. you just have to let them pass. but that means you have to LET THEM PASS.
preparing for Dad to not be around anymore, he’s ill and getting his affairs in order in preparation for the end. i have to show him i’m ready to be on my own so he isn’t worried.
just for today clean – lean on people to keep me clean.

 





^Lee^ :: mom passed a couple years back. still painful.
              my addict – “King Kong on Steroids” telling me to “do this, use
              that, to avoid the pain.
15 years in August.
              streets out there don’t give a fuck about you.
              there is work to be done IN HERE.
              addiction doesn’t care it just wants to destroy you.
By being at a meeting, as addicts, we’re doing something against the grain.
              go back out misery refunded 154%.
              today is not a good day to die.




 


..Jesse..
2 years off coke. 1 year off meth.
Speaking up for prayers for a guy in need on
bus who got beat up and was having seizures.




#Brie
first got to the rooms was super prego and scared
weird to think b/c this place isn’t scary – out there is scary
all I could do was be here and listen, was speechless

chaired – everyone focused on me — self obsession
panic attack, overwhelmed
not about Me, about US

the meetings aren’t just HERE, this is a well-oiled machine

clean a building – get to get out of my head and sweat – keep from gaining cause “I eat!”
been only coming to a meeting when I chair
which is not enough
I feel lacking

sharing brought me out of my shell
that’s the 360




!!Victor!!
service positions kept him clean
get in there and get it – see the difference in your life & changes
friends from active use came in and got clean too
even some people who’ve gone back out have come back
what this program has to offer is AWESOME!
if you’re struggling – NOT worth picking up
“Hang out – get in someone’s back pocket”




))Dan((
b/c of these rooms … 4 months 1 day (19 yrs after 1st try to get clean)
gotta be the father my son needs (mom died in accident)
went into inpatient of own accord
son didn’t need/want stuff – needed Dad!
“being a father is brand-new to me” raised daughter in addiction
IF I DON’T DO IT FOR MYSESLF I’M NOT GOING TO DO IT FOR NOBODY ELSE.
felt like a DIRTbag but feel human again now being clean
son fills my heart – love myself again
routine::morning affirmation. picks up son out of bed and stands him up.
Neither here nor there – immaterial things
Love myself so I can love my son and my family again.
$$= 




Henry
used to “sleep” out in back of meeting room/at mcdonald’s
knows the homeless community, had been part of their community
HAVING Motivation to keep striving to stay clean
Motivated by gratitude list
living smarter, wiser, cleaner
Not going to forget where I came from or where I’ve been (ie homeless community)
Humble self – no
t going to forget




{Heather}
@NA we give back & run things from within
Stick and Stay
Don’t quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens




Who is an addict?

Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another—the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death.




What is the NA program?

NA is a nonprofit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovering addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean. This is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs. There is only one requirement for membership, the desire to stop using. We suggest that you keep an open mind and give yourself a break. Our program is a set of principles written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives. The most important thing about them is that they work.

There are no strings attached to NA. We are not affiliated with any other organizations. We have no initiation fees or dues, no pledges to sign, no promises to make to anyone. We are not connected with any political, religious, or law enforcement groups, and are under no surveillance at any time. Anyone may join us, regardless of age, race, sexual identity, creed, religion, or lack of religion.

We are not interested in what or how much you used or who your connections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help. The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away. We have learned from our group experience that those who keep coming to our meetings regularly stay clean.




Why are we here?

Before coming to the Fellowship of NA, we could not manage our own lives. We could not live and enjoy life as other people do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in drugs. We placed their use ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have drugs at all costs. We did many people great harm, but most of all we harmed ourselves. Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities we were actually creating our own problems. We seemed to be incapable of facing life on its own terms.

Most of us realized that in our addiction we were slowly committing suicide, but addiction is such a cunning enemy of life that we had lost the power to do anything about it. Many of us ended up in jail, or sought help through medicine, religion, and psychiatry. None of these methods was sufficient for us. Our disease always resurfaced or continued to progress until, in desperation, we sought help from each other in Narcotics Anonymous.

After coming to NA we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible.




How it works (the stEPS)

If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the effort to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the principles that made our recovery possible.

1.  We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.  We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4.  We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.  We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.  We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7.  We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8.  We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.  We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.  We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11.  We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

This sounds like a big order, and we can’t do it all at once. We didn’t become addicted in one day, so remember—easy does it.

There is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery; this is an attitude of indifference or intolerance toward spiritual principles. Three of these that are indispensable are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. With these we are well on our way.

We feel that our approach to the disease of addiction is completely realistic, for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. We feel that our way is practical, for one addict can best understand and help another addict. We believe that the sooner we face our problems within our society, in everyday living, just that much faster do we become acceptable, responsible, and productive members of that society.

The only way to keep from returning to active addiction is not to take that first drug. If you are like us you know that one is too many and a thousand never enough. We put great emphasis on this, for we know that when we use drugs in any form, or substitute one for another, we release our addiction all over again.

Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse. Before we came to NA, many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover.




Twelve Traditions

We keep what we have only with vigilance, and just as freedom for the individual comes from the Twelve Steps, so freedom for the group springs from our traditions.

As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well.

1.  Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on NA unity.

2.  For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3.  The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.

4.  Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or NA as a whole.

5.  Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.

6.  An NA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the NA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7.  Every NA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8.  Narcotics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9.  NA, as such, ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10.  Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the NA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11.  Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.

12.  Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.




Daily Meditation

May 22

Symptoms of a spiritual awakening

“The steps lead to an awakening of a spiritual nature.  This awakening is evidenced by changes in our lives.”

Basic Text, p. 49

––––=––––

We know how to recognize the disease of addiction.  Its symptoms are indisputable.  Besides an uncontrollable appetite for drugs, those suffering exhibit self-centered, self-seeking behavior.  When our addiction was at its peak of activity, we were obviously in a great deal of pain.  We relentlessly judged ourselves and others, and spent most of our time worrying or trying to control outcomes.

Just as the disease of addiction is evidenced by definite symptoms, so is a spiritual awakening made manifest by certain obvious signs in a recovering addict.  We may observe a tendency to think and act spontaneously, a loss of interest in judging or interpreting the actions of anyone else, an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment, and frequent attacks of smiling.

If we see someone exhibiting symptoms of a spiritual awakening, we should be aware that such awakenings are contagious.  Our best course of action is to get close to these people.  As we begin having frequent, overwhelming episodes of gratitude, an increased receptiveness to the love extended by our fellow members, and an uncontrollable urge to return this love, we’ll realize that we, too, have had a spiritual awakening.

––––=––––

Just for today:  My strongest desire is to have a spiritual awakening.  I will watch for its symptoms and rejoice when I discover them.

 

We do recover.

 

Got my first NA keychain to celebrate joining the program.

0.nineteen – feelings…no thanks!

I think at some point I said I wanted to feel things now. That I was ready to feel for real. . .
I take it back.
I don’t want to feel.

I broke down yesterday over my situation with my youngest, Hope, and how I never get to see her. I just lost it.
Alex says to think of it as growth and remember that it won’t be like this or feel like this forever.
I, on the other hand, liked being able to just deal with it without internalizing it and without that gut wrenching ache in my stomach. I felt sick all last night. All I want to do is sleep now that I’m not fully hibernating I think I’m hitting depression. I don’t want to deal. I want to hide.

I’ve got nothing positive right now. I want to use. It makes life so much easier for the moment, I realize not in the long run and is actually the cause and continued issue in the problem I am running from my feelings about.

So, I’m not taking the easy way out right now. I’m going to suck it up and stay sober today. At this moment. Right now. I am staying sober. I got through last night and I don’t feel as overwhelmingly sad/upset/ugh today.

Just for today, one day at a time, I’m staying clean.

0.seventeen – whimsically wandering

My mind is in a positive swirl of colors today.
It is a weird surreal unbalance to be in.
I don’t feel bad, at all, I feel really good but not correct.

Oh well, I enjoy colorful days on occasion, I think it is a way for my mind to breath outside the medications a little bit. I feel expanded.

I went to a meeting on Wednesday and it was amazing.
I was welcomed back with literal open arms and so much joy and fellowship at The Fellowship.
I love this meeting hall above any I’ve been to, it is like going home.
I didn’t get to NA as I planned this week, my sleeping interfered with waking back up at noon after getting home and to bed at 9 am.
But I will, soon, and I’m excited to.

AA 15.15.19
Meeting One:

Know God,
know peace.
No God, I want to know God again.
no peace. I can’t seem to find him, yet.

*Haven’t honestly given myself to this simple program until now. Was constantly dishonest – didn’t seem to have the capacity to be honest, honestly I wasn’t ready to quit for good and therefore not ready for help.*

Live         Easy        Butfor          Think…     ..First

andLet     Does      theGrace          Think         Things

Live           It            ofGod           …Think        First

I am responsible….
When anyone, anywhere
reaches out for help, I want
the hand of A.A. always to be there
and for that: I am responsible.

Make the doorknob your god [higher power].” (Click for an article that is a great read)

Stop and start our day over whenever we want to.

“People gonna be people and people gonna do things” – Gerald’s mama.
*Can’t control what people do/say – take what you need and put the rest on the back burner*

programmed self to do certain things in our addiction. AA programs you to change your life – IF you WANT to.

“I got to tell someone something good to change their life. Rather than how to jack, steal, junp, rob, etc. Something GOOD to CHANGE their life..”

Resentments: must forgive to be forgiven

“Enjoying Me.
finding peace in A.A., with God, in life, with self” – D

+No peace always chaos, all these things were happening to me – I did them to myself.
you can’t forget your past, but you don’t have to live it everyday.
wow – I did that: homelessness, brown paper sack, didn’t know how I was gonna pay my phone bill, jail… but A.A. brought me out+ – John

“Such a know it all, you couldn’t tell me shit. I know it all!
Surrender & powerlessness.
I could remove alcohol and drugs and I was still a turd; I have to work at being a good person.
Pride – know it all
but I really don’t know shit
Started reading for real this time and at page 8 hit a word I didn’t know – it was humbling
To find God (hardest part for me) had to have my mind open and heart open to form a relationship and get perspective on it.
Went to church because I was intrigued they had something I didn’t, they were happy, at least on Sundays, when they sang they sang. I tried to figure it out and as for the definition of faith and was told you can’t “figure it out” it is something you feel.” – Steve

The ability to adapt to different situations – learned through A.A.

[faith – believing in something unseen. Mind starts changing. -Gerald]

Before ignored “as we understood Him” just shut down “God.”
*I was in my feelings*

“Sticks and stones…” is what we were taught
Bullshit! Words don’t go away
Bruises and breaks heal Words make people
jump off bridges, drink,
etc.

I SHARED!!! I admitted my last 7 or 8 month relapsing and that this was my first time back in the rooms sober since.
I was told keep to keep coming back as is the A.A. way.
What matters is how I proceed to move forward my life forward.
Stop and start day over, as needed.
Gerald said he knew I’d fallen off but “We don’t shoot our wounded. These rooms is like a hospital – come here receive treatment” as to why he didn’t call me on it.

Lastly, you MAD but the person you mad about already went on about their business and forgot about you and whatever they did/said that you are letting mess up your day.

It was a good meeting.

0.sixteen – secrets

My boost in energy the past few days, which I think was due to my wonky work schedule, has come an end.
At work today I heard an awesome song that has so many great lines. I feel like she’s telling my story and my change in attitude from constantly worrying about what other people thought of me to admitting my worst character defects and shortcomings and mistakes publicly without any worry of judgement because it makes no difference in my life anymore. I love me the entire enchilada, unattractive qualities and all (although I am willing to work on them for the betterment of my happiness in life). I love that I am finding really phenomenal writing about the situations and feelings I have experienced throughout my life; it helps give me perspective and is relieving to know I am not alone in my struggle. It is bittersweet and tugs at my heartstrings.
Here, enjoy:

I’ve got bi-polar disorder
My shit’s not in order
I’m overweight
I’m always late
I’ve got too many things to say
I rock mom jeans, cat earrings
Extrapolate my feelings
My family is dysfunctional
But we have a good time killing each other

They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what

I can’t think straight, I’m so gay
Sometimes I cry a whole day
I care a lot, use an analog clock
And never know when to stop
And I’m passive, aggressive
I’m scared of the dark and the dentist
I love my butt and won’t shut up
And I never really grew up

They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are), secrets are
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are), secrets are
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o what
So-o-o-o-o (what)

Mary Lambert, Secrets

0.fifteen – the old man [and me] is snoring!

I love the smell of rain after a couple weeks without it. It’s comforting and refreshing. I also just love the rain! Washingtonian born and raised so I’m in the right state, although there are states with so much more rain than this “rainy state.”

My energy level has dropped back down to mild hibernation again but it felt good to get a breath of energy for a few days.

Just want to say hi! and have a fabulous day, I should be posting again later today if I can stay up after work.. wish me luck!

😴

mommy’s girls

My girls have been through so much turmoil in the past few years because of my poor choices and addiction. Still today I was amazed, touched, and reminded of what is truly important when I read the inscriptions on their cards they gave me.

Hope, 7:

Happy Mother’s Day

Mom

You are as pretty as a tulip

Mom

You are as nice as a queen

Mom

You take care of me

Mom

I love you so much

Mom

Super amazing

Extraordinary

So awesome

Just so nice

I love you

Always together forever

Cool

Hope, 7
she chose all the words and phrases
The poem she chose adj, verbs, and nouns to fill in

I was so touched and elated, and surprised. I rarely get to see her and was worried that she was growing away from me but how excited she was about the phrases and words she used to describe me showed me our bond is as strong, maybe even stronger, as it always was. This little girl makes me so happy, her exuberance for life is inspiring.

Riley, 12:

Some people love making other people happy –
they’re called Moms.
You’re the kind of mom
Who makes this world
A better place
Just by being
The loving person
You are.
Happy Mothers Day

The inscription on the card she picked out
It is covered in flutterbies [butterflies] which we both love

You are the absolute best in my eyes!
I love you!

Riley, 12
her personal message

This sweet, strong, beautiful child makes me so proud. She admits, I knew it had been so I asked once it had passed, she hated me for the first year after all the upheaval happened in our lives because she was hearing horrible things about me regularly. Our bond and connection now is even more unbreakable than ever for it. She’s my mini-me and just makes this world a better place to live in.

I am such a lucky mom. My children have forgiven me and never stopped loving me (Riley only hated me because she was hurt by me, her mom, and that is all out of love) even though I messed up so big time. I don’t tell my kids everything but I admit my mistakes in age appropriate ways and make sure they never forget that they are my favorite part of life.

Emotionally obtuse, me? It


I feel my feels and when I’m ready… I dust myself off and step back in the ring a little more prepared.

Max robes, jesscape.com

Until just recently I hadn’t heard that saying to “feel your feels [feelings]” and I overheard my daughter, Riley, telling her boyfriend that she understood that that was what he was doing and my amazing 12 year old empowered her counterpart to do so however he needed and she would be there for him. My girl is showing empathy! There are a lot of other emotions and hormonal scatterbrain going on in her preteen years so for her to be learning and embracing the complexities of empathy is impressive. She was unaware of the word or action and we had a great discussion on it and her usage and my pride in her last night.

I would say I “struggle” with empathy but that is a lie I know how to be empathetic I would just rather cut the cord of bullshit and get down to the brass tact of the issue. I teach my kids empathy, I know it is important in being a good person to be empathetic, I often am empathetic to an extent but, what is the saying, those who can’t do, teach? Joking, joking. I just have no appetite for listening to someone knowingly lie to themselves to feel better in a situation where they were wrong and know it but are expecting support for their delusions. I’ll admit, some people are further down the rabbit hole of deluding themselves and may not realize when they are in the wrong, those who are the perpetual victim.

But, this is not about them, and that is the heart of the problem with my no nonsense approach to analyzing and/or “helping” in situations (when I’m asked to, I no longer just throw my two cents around except sometimes with coworkers), I’m not sensitive to the other person’s self-denial. I also don’t like to be bullshitted. I can and do bullshit my way around some situations in life that I don’t feel like dealing with but that doesn’t bring about resolution it just placates my ego. It is likely that more often than not I am making a true ass out of myself in talking circuitously instead of taking responsibility and people are just unwilling to call me out on it. So that is what I do for the betterment of everyone.

I would love (and hate in the moment as has been the case) if people would call me on my bullshit. One of my favorite people in the world is my dad and good, bad, or indifferent he has taught me the art of bullshitting; he is also the person I can trust to not play into my self-denial and will call me on the carpet every time. That I love! That I need! So that is also what I do, not always, I know when someone is not ready for self-actualization and don’t push it but I try to make it understood that we can be honest and have a real discussion, no judgement.

Empathy is about the other person, I know, and I am not being selfless as is needed to hone this interpersonal skill but I also know (ego! alert) I am making a positive difference. Yeah I can’t bullshit myself, my dad believes I am a sociopath and I tend to agree I have some tendencies leaning that direction, many people prefer to stay deluded and just be agreed with which is their right so long as they don’t ask my advice.

My aunt Demi is a beautiful, kindhearted train wreck. When we first got back into contact regularly a few months back she learned quickly and brutally that I wouldn’t cosign her bullshit. She still tries it with me and come to find out she doesn’t always see her fault (so she says) and I help her see, so see I’m helping. I’m cynical because I know that I know when I’m wrong even if I will steadfastly play the role of the victim. I do also forget that other people’s minds don’t work the same as mine, as mine doesn’t work the same as other people’s all the time.

My boyfriend has a buddy that will cosign ALL his bullshit and then write another check and it is sickening to witness. When he asked if it was okay that he was planning to ghost me after three years ol’ boy said with all he had done for me over that time it was perfectly understandable and he was the good person in the situation and always had been. Alex talks to him a lot less after I pointed it out because that is not a friend, that is an enabler.

I stayed in self-denial about my fault in losing my girls and still sometimes forget to remember my part. My dad kept me honest throughout though and let me hide in my bullshit only after I admitted my responsibility. That is love and true friendship to me.

So this is a bit of a character defect, or is it? I think it’s on the fence because my intentions are good in wanting to help someone get to the crutch of the issue but a bit selfish in not allowing them to decide when to process their own bullshit. Really if they ask I think it is my right to give my honest opinion but is it right?

I’ve only had a few truly devastating and traumatic situations in my life so I only know from those that I prefer tough love and brutal honesty to commiseration. I also don’t process all emotions. Until today I could not wrap my brain around anger, it just seemed nonsensical and counterproductive to a positive outcome but after reading the reasoning for a person’s experience of anger earlier I gained a bit of understanding as to why people get angry.

Always learning. I realize empathy can be used for sharing all different feelings and emotions through another person’s experience with them. I am just ranting about the enabling kind with a specific kind of people that I have run into a lot throughout life so it seems common and hopefully is relatable. It could also speak to the company I’ve always kept!

My character defects: bullshitting, lying, avoidance, selfishness, pride, ego, manipulation, self-aggrandizing, impatience,