It hurts but it / he always has and with it over it will eventually stop hurting , finally , right ?
Today is the day
To make a change
To take a chance
To leap with faith
To keep my mind safe
To ask for help
To task my.self
Allay all doubt today
They said it works.
I read it works.
I tried my way.
They provide my way.
Nothing to lose
Unless I choose
Again to use
And induce self-abuse
I’m doing recovery for keeps NOW.
Will I stay clean?
According to them [N.A./A.A. people] so long as I’m working my program I will succeed
Almost finished with my step 1
So thankful for the welcoming fellowship in both of the programs [N.A./A.A.] and I am greatly enjoying meetings.
Attending NA & AA daily if work allows
Actively searching for a sponsor
[the woman I asked today has all the sponsees she can handle but said I can call anytime]
Working the steps and doing the work with N.A. Step Working Guides
Maybe not this time.
Hell with the roll I’ve been on probably nothing to be worried about, right.
Of course I’m the chosen one and that means I’m bullet proof.
Which is the belief of every person that goes back out.
Not gonna happen to me. I KNOW what I’m doing.
I’m safe – I don’t use heroin anymore, I smoke meth.
No one OD’s smoking meth, you fall asleep before being able to.
I’m not shooting it when I relapse, THAT would be scary.
“If it is on the internet then it must be true,” Abraham Lincoln.
I got my information from what I’d been told by other users and my internet “research” but when I took another look without trying to get the answer I wanted to hear I found a much darker reality:
In 2017 over 10,000 overdose deaths occurred from the use of Psychostimulants (most common being methamphetamine) and while, yes many of these OD deaths also included an Opioid involvement, over 5,000 of the 10,000+ were caused solely by Psychostimulants.
I don’t know how to produce my drug of choice or my drug of second choice.
Even if I did I wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly what was in what I’d be picking up to use.
I play Russian Roulette with my sanity and mental acuity every time I take a hit.
And say I were to get a batch that amps my system up higher and faster than the “usual,” which I’ve experienced, I could cause my heart to explode.
Methamphetamine overdoses cause heart attacks, strokes and comas and frequently psychosis with or without the physical ailments.
I know this and I still convince myself that it wouldn’t happen to me.
Especially because it has happened to me, and I barely made it back.
We convince ourselves that the people who OD and/or die from drug abuse fucked up, it was their own fault, and we know better. But we’re still using, so apparently we don’t.
OD on Me.
oops… my bad
So my scariest overdose, yes there is more than one to choose from, during my stint using heroin I didn’t even experience. When you use heroin the idea is to get high right? You’re pushing yourself to the brink of overdose every time you shoot the poison into your veins.
I don’t care how attune you are to your use, how well you know your amounts, your tolerance, any measurement you use regularly could be your last if the chemicals react wrong that time.
For me I simply used too much of something stronger than I was used to.
It was the first time I was shooting up without the guy that had introduced me to this devil dance setting up my amount but I had his best friend doing the honors and we went with less than what my usual dose was. I was so excited for oblivion, I didn’t think twice before fully expending the entirety of my rig into my bloodstream.
Immediately I felt the warm embrace of my dark mistress and the intensity continued to rise until I lost the ability to speak, or move, my eyes wouldn’t stay open. I was free floating in the blackest of black engulfing whatever was left of my being, I’d lost all connection to my body and while I desperately wanted to find where it had gone the soothing blackness was lulling me deeper into the abyss. I felt an aching fear that I was lost and not in control of me, of where I was or was going. I have been blown (incredibly, intensely high where you have to keep hold of something inside of you to bring you back to reality eventually) out of my mind numerous times when I thought I’d lost my grip but this time there had not been anything to hold on to.
For what felt like an eternity I floated in the nothingness that the enticing blackness had become. I knew I needed to find my something to hold onto to get back. Back to.. my girls a snippet of what felt like thought and then nothing. No tether. “My girls” meant less and less to whatever processing I was clinging to. I felt nothing at all.
Almost fully succumbed to whatever total enmeshment that felt less and less when everything turned white and spun so fast if I’d had a stomach still I would have been sick for sure. I feel something with my being, almost like something slipping through my fingers. The enormity of emotions I experienced realizing I’d found my connection, my hold onto to get back intangible way back.
While I felt so close to what I was yearning for by instinct my thoughts and feelings swirled in some mush that felt muddied and indistinct.
I desperately wanted to make sense of the murky swirls and an overwhelming sense of dread overtook all of my focus.
Noise! Just realizing that it had been more than silent during my experience the incomprehensible moaning got faster, frantic. I was feeling the sound more than hearing it and the cloudy froth was in all of my senses.
As though I’d been snapped into place, a searing burn erupted in my lungs and I physically felt all my extremities go from numb to pins and needles in a wave. It was as though my whole body was experiencing the sensation of “waking up” like if my foot had fallen asleep. It was the best worst sensation to be able to be reconnected with my body but the pins and needles phenomenon intensifying in all the wrong places.
My lung was still inflamed and I felt like I had the worst heartburn bubbling up and roiling making bile sear my throat as I painfully swallowed gulps of air that intensified the burning in my chest. It was excruciating and uncomfortable but my eyes opening and seeing shapes and fuzz and knowing that I was real and whole again dulled my pain as my senses were flooded with circuitry.
Slowly I began to comprehend what was going on around me. My head lolled half in, half out of the passenger window of my car as the wind whipped by. The pain in my body was again numbed but this time it was because I was so cold, shaking, shivering, and soaking wet with ice cold water.
The car jerked and whipped my head and neck to have a view of the driver’s side of the, apparently speeding, Honda Civic. We hit another jaunt in the road and I found out I was not seat-belted in as flew forward in my seat coming to rest sideways on the floor.
“Oh shit, Lyric, you’re back!” Josh whooped as he jerked the car around the cul-de-sac pulling into Colby’s driveway. I didn’t have any recollection of having left the bedroom.
Come to find out I immediately slumped over and stopped breathing after I stopped being able to speak. Instead of calling an ambulance Colby and Josh carried my unconscious, not breathing body out to the car and propped me up against it. Then they proceeded to drench me with the hose in 30 degree weather. I .. don’t know, why. I think the idea was to shock my system into forcing me to breathe. The explanation as to why no ambulance was called and why I was hurdled off property was also never articulated.
After the hose down Josh says he thought I was breathing but he couldn’t totally tell and he had to take me away from the house so he loaded me into the passenger seat and hoped the wind in my face would help me…possibly breathe or come to? I don’t think Josh had a clue what he was going for but panic set in for him when I started turning a bluish white in the face. I think he probably disagreed with his earlier assessment that the hose had gotten me breathing again.
So that is why he was whipping my car around the neighborhood all jerkily – to try to jolt me awake or breathing or … pretty much he was expecting me to die and had no clue what to do.
I was cold and couldn’t shake the cobwebs from my brain.
“That might’ve been too much for me,” I chuckled at a mortified looking Josh.
“It was way stronger than we expected and when I went to stop you from doing the whole thing I was too late and you stopped breathing.”
I knew to always test the waters before doing the entire shot. I knew that. I just didn’t that time. I always made sure. Except that time I didn’t.
Yeah I know I was warning of methamphetamine overdoses and this was a heroin OD but I got vivid flash backs and had to share, I remember the experience like it just happened, clearer now it seems.
This was my worst overdose and I’d love to say that I got scared, I took better precaution (wouldn’t make a difference anyway), I quit or at least slowed down, but it may as well have not occurred with the way I did nothing to prevent it happening again.
Broke my bRain, goed iNsaNe
yet I still dabbLe in that methamphetamine…
“Jesus was calling me, telling me to rid myself of all things but me.”
“Did he say no clothes though … or was that maybe a little of your own interpretation?”
“You’re such an asshole.”
“It really made all sorts of sense in the moment.”
“So you started dropping stuff all the way at the other end and at random all along the way?”
“I don’t like to make things easy, do I?”
….to be continued…
Daily Reflection May 22
“We…” (the first word of the first step)
TWELVE STEPS & TWELVE TRADITIONS PG. 21
When I was drinking all I could ever think about was “I, I, I” or “Me, Me, Me.”
Such painful obsession of self, such soul sickness, such spiritual selfishness bound me to the bottle for more than half my life.
The journey to find God and to do His will one day at a time began with the first word of the First Step …. “We.”
There was power in numbers, there was strength in numbers, there was safety in numbers, there was life in numbers.
If I had tried to recover alone I probably would have died.
With God and another alcoholic, I have divine purpose in my life… I have become a channel for God’s healing love.
– – – Angela – – –
…hate sharing first. Like sharing later but its so quiet….
I came alone, I stayed alone cause I didn’t reach out and didn’t want anyone reaching out for me… I didn’t know you.
When I came in it was just still me. So I got a sponsor who took me through the book.
I do my recovery, I’m real selfish and take my recovery personal.
The we part is coming to the rooms of alcoholics anonymous and here we are not alone. Step one : “Every natural extinct cries out … 12 steps” the bedrock on which purposeful lives can be built.
We part. Growth and freed me. Allowed me to be me.
I wasn’t that stern as I believed myself to be but I crumbled coming into the rooms.
On the streets I was alone.
Teddy bear I was came out.
Being able to transmit what I’ve been through. Didn’t do that by myself.
Made possible – its a we thing.
WE ADMITTED WE’RE POWERLESS!
Follow some simple directions.
Never made it to see the wizard.
Freedom. Patience. Peace of mind.
Guess I’m dorothy.
Together we stay sober .. alone we get drunk or high.
I have to have some me, we friends, hot and cold. Happy and sad. I’ve got to have it all.
If I’ve never been down I don’t know what it’s like to be up.
I know what it’s like to be down… poor me poor me buy me another drink.
But, now I can get out the water when I want to.
List of blessings…the good stuff.
A lesson or a blessing.
I gotta go through what I gotta go through to get where I need to go.
We do this together.
If you want to join me come on…
if you don’t I’m not gonna chase you.
Attraction not promotion.
IF you’re in the solution send a message of hope to the hopeless.
This disease makes you tell lies to yourself.
Locked up in your head, in your thoughts.
Don’t have to go to prison – locked in your thoughts.
Addiction will dance on your coffin.
Man called 2 am bout to kill himself and you can’t answer yo phone.
Put on the uniform but if you never get in the game you can score a touchdown.
I’m truly blessed. I’ve been truly overpaid if I were to die today.
I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna walk you through this. You need another individual who has walked down the path to walk you down that path. Somebody will take you down that path.
It is such a joy to humble yourself and be teachable.
Come here to learn how to stay sober
and carry that message on to the next alcoholic who is willing to listen.
Tried to outsmart the disease and now they’re dead.
I’m able to do what I want to do today because I’m sober.
Just stay sober one day one minute at a time.
Put one foot in front of the other and move forward.
We together stay sober. Get in the middle of the tribe. Get up front. Don’t wait. Its not coming to knock. Paid on your actions not on your intentions.
If I go out and use today it isn’t the program not working its because I decided not to use the program.
If I take a drink today there’s gonna be a yard sale tomorrow and half the shit aint gonna be mine.
Victim to the disease
i couldn’t do this alone and i tried so many times and don’t know how many times I failed.
Got to aa found out i couldn’t do this alone.
We, made sense.
I didn’t talk for a day or two or a year. 6.
Sometimes I just listen.
Read the stories and understand the Big Book.
We together solve each others problems or at least give suggestions.
We can survive another day of sobriety if WE want.
Write down what is going to make you use: Go and do it because it is going to happen. Have you found your yet, yet?
By being a group of ppl who understand each other. Ppl who haven’t been in addiction don’t understand.
I have been known to be wrong haha.
Gotta do the work and it’s free.
We wasn’t never meant to be alone.
If in some way you come here and don’t see AA materializing in your life on a daily basis you’re doing something wrong.
Phobia of other ppls dogs. Coming at me all aggressive. Asked the Missus to put him up. She swore and called me an idiot. Didn’t respond didn’t escalate. Just left.
You get to see these little things.
If you’re not helping you’re hindering.
We is a group.
I come here to learn. To get through my day.
Can’t live yesterday over again. Can’t live tomorrow cause it never comes so I’ve got to live in here today.
Sometimes, somewhere in your life something gotta click.
I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed but I can cut ya.
Stopping and starting day over again.
I have to live for me but have other people in my life.
I can’t walk a straight and narrow but I’m not Jesus, I make mistakes.
Keep my feet planted moving forward.
Hope to never go backward but have people in case yet happens.
Nip shit in the bud.
Aint fittin to hit you in the head with a bottle today, I’m going the other way.
Anger is a big part of I fell down. YOU MADE ME DO IT. Umm nope.
Excuses excuses excuses.
I woke up this morning but I didn’t do it myself.
A day late and I brought four quarters!
So just enough and in the nick of time…
…for today and all we’ve got is now
peace, love, happy thoughts, and good vibes
My mind is in a positive swirl of colors today.
It is a weird surreal unbalance to be in.
I don’t feel bad, at all, I feel really good but not correct.
Oh well, I enjoy colorful days on occasion, I think it is a way for my mind to breath outside the medications a little bit. I feel expanded.
I went to a meeting on Wednesday and it was amazing.
I was welcomed back with literal open arms and so much joy and fellowship at The Fellowship.
I love this meeting hall above any I’ve been to, it is like going home.
I didn’t get to NA as I planned this week, my sleeping interfered with waking back up at noon after getting home and to bed at 9 am.
But I will, soon, and I’m excited to.
No God, I want to know God again.
no peace. I can’t seem to find him, yet.
*Haven’t honestly given myself to this simple program until now. Was constantly dishonest – didn’t seem to have the capacity to be honest, honestly I wasn’t ready to quit for good and therefore not ready for help.*
Live Easy Butfor Think… ..First
andLet Does theGrace Think Things
Live It ofGod …Think First
I am responsible….
When anyone, anywhere
reaches out for help, I want
the hand of A.A. always to be there
and for that: I am responsible.
“Make the doorknob your god [higher power].” (Click for an article that is a great read)
Stop and start our day over whenever we want to.
“People gonna be people and people gonna do things” – Gerald’s mama.
*Can’t control what people do/say – take what you need and put the rest on the back burner*
programmed self to do certain things in our addiction. AA programs you to change your life – IF you WANT to.
“I got to tell someone something good to change their life. Rather than how to jack, steal, junp, rob, etc. Something GOOD to CHANGE their life..”
Resentments: must forgive to be forgiven
finding peace in A.A., with God, in life, with self” – D
+No peace always chaos, all these things were happening to me – I did them to myself.
you can’t forget your past, but you don’t have to live it everyday.
wow – I did that: homelessness, brown paper sack, didn’t know how I was gonna pay my phone bill, jail… but A.A. brought me out+ – John
“Such a know it all, you couldn’t tell me shit. I know it all!
Surrender & powerlessness.
I could remove alcohol and drugs and I was still a turd; I have to work at being a good person.
Pride – know it all
but I really don’t know shit
Started reading for real this time and at page 8 hit a word I didn’t know – it was humbling
To find God (hardest part for me) had to have my mind open and heart open to form a relationship and get perspective on it.
Went to church because I was intrigued they had something I didn’t, they were happy, at least on Sundays, when they sang they sang. I tried to figure it out and as for the definition of faith and was told you can’t “figure it out” it is something you feel.” – Steve
The ability to adapt to different situations – learned through A.A.
[faith – believing in something unseen. Mind starts changing. -Gerald]
Before ignored “as we understood Him” just shut down “God.”
*I was in my feelings*
“Sticks and stones…” is what we were taught
Bullshit! Words don’t go away
Bruises and breaks heal Words make people
jump off bridges, drink,
I SHARED!!! I admitted my last 7 or 8 month relapsing and that this was my first time back in the rooms sober since.
I was told keep to keep coming back as is the A.A. way.
What matters is how I proceed to move forward my life forward.
Stop and start day over, as needed.
Gerald said he knew I’d fallen off but “We don’t shoot our wounded. These rooms is like a hospital – come here receive treatment” as to why he didn’t call me on it.
Lastly, you MAD but the person you mad about already went on about their business and forgot about you and whatever they did/said that you are letting mess up your day.
It was a good meeting.
Loving this word: Perspicacity
a penetrating discernment —a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight.
Perspicacityis an abstract noun describing a certain capacity of a certain capability.
(Such an awesome sentence that leaves you wanting more!)
I’ve fallen in LOVE
I’ve fallen in LOVE
True love I swear it be
With my new recovery
So I have been an avid Alcoholics Anonymous follower, when I’m avidly following some idea of a recovery program. BUT NOW I want to shout it from the rooftops that I havr finally found where I belong!! NA is eye opening; people out there understand me. I’ve been working on Step 1 questions from the program’s original step working guide and it made me read the NA book to answer a question so I started scanning for the answer and words started catching my eye. I knew I wasn’t going to get a good answer only half-assing my 101 page reading assignment and I was interested so I started at the first page and fell in love!! If I wasn’t seeing stars from being so tired after working my 2 am shift I’d still be reading it but I stopped at step 2 because I don’t want to read ahead and overwhelm myself. I may do so anyway after I nap.
The language and voice in the NA book is so different from that of the Big Book. I felt like I was chatting with someone my age with tattoos telling me about this exclusive “get clean for real this time” offer they’ve got going on. I know it isn’t especial for me, right? It sure seemed like it was while reading. I feel this program is exactly what my attempts at getting clean have been missing.
I wasn’t a fan of the longer meetings and the crowd where I went to a couple times I tried it was a bit rough. Hell, I need to put the extra time into my recovery and who am I to judge anyone?! Things are coming together.
Also, in no way am I dogging AA, the steps are exactly the same and the program is similar and I felt at home at my homegroup. I’m so darned excited to get a sponsor in NA. To talk to people about the struggles of methamphetamine withdrawal, specifically. It is so rad – the NA book has a chapter on Recovery and Relapse. I always wondered why relapse was so hush hush in AA, it seemed like to do so was to insult the group or at least specific people. I’m even planning on sharing and I never share at AA.
Okay nap time!! I’ll leave you with some NA wisdom:
Daily Recovery ReadingsApril 12, 2019 Daily Reflection GIVING UP INSANITY “. . . where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane.” — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 38 Alcoholism required me to drink, whether I wanted to or not. Insanity dominated my life and was the essence of my disease. It robbed me of the […]DR – April 12, 2019 — The Wandering Enigma
Inspired to share by:
DailyReflections : giving up insanity
The Language of Letting Go – CoDependency : letting go of fear
Admitting my shit to you is a lot harder than I expected it to be on this one.
I haven’t been lying but I haven’t been being honest either.
Playing games that I hate, to avoid asking for help or whatever it is that I need of you, my reader.
sO that happened.
picKed up this past Thursday.
4 days totaL oFF scRipt
feeling ashamed and foolish
it is me who is fucking my shit up for me
AND WHY? because I wanted more energy back right now, I didn’t want to do the work. I’ve got to do the work.
ADMITTING IT NOW because I’m ready to do sobeR again NOW and need to NOW.
i am maKing a conscious effort to NOT hit up micK and need to throw out the pipe i bought to utilize as soon as it is all gONe.
aDDict me: caNNot toss any doPe in the trash :: will make certain dONe and gONe before beD tONight.
typINg like its a RaNsOM noTe because iT iS — my dopefiend aSS is holding my sobrieTy hostage from mYself.
RaNsOM? reaLLy beiNg reaDy and waNting to quiT and sTay quiT.
There is the rub – am I and do I?
I want to be ready and I don’t want to stress over and lie about what I am doing anymore. In order for me to be honest I have to stay sober, high me lies for no reason.
The idea of not using ever again seems preposterous but that is future tripping and not helpful. I like to get high and that isn’t changing (even while making myself sick knowingly smoking too much so that it will deter me)…and liking to do something I shouldn’t do is not reasonable argument for doing it.
I cannot forget that I am a master manipulator and I am fantastic at convincing myself to do the wrong thing and brilliantly justify my bad behavior BUT have been being honest with myself way more so and pretty brutally.
Already planning my relapse for after I’ve gained ten pounds back Yowza doing this off script may make the actions I do within this chaos more attainable because I’m already overwhelming myself.
pLan for beTTermenT of liFe
daiLy uPdates :: monTh.Day (0.1, 0.2, 0.3 then 1,1, 1.2, 1.3, etc. ) – poSt titLe
focus at least 1 paragraph/4 sentences to checking in about recovery and/or
create template/layout with questions to check in on daily
weekLy goaLs :: cReate new caTegory (StoP tYping LiKe aN aSShoLe NOW) post every
Monday so I can start today :: 2 goal minimum
get BigBook back out and pg 78? every morning …not likely but need to try different ideas.
Medications NIGHTLY and put GAB and some Prozac in car for high anxiety days. (Reduce trazadone on weekends and possibly during week
Set up a check list to document and keep accountable.
Honestly identify and document relapse triggers (ex. weight gain) and what to do rather than use (bullshit I know I wont do) THE RUB!
Brainstorm Ideas for actions/activities to keep me ACTIVELY sober.
Point: I am very focused on using when I’m in ACTIVE addiction but haven’t been being ACTIVE in my sobriety when I am sober. The more I focus on not using is just more time spent focusing on meth. I need to focus on BEING SOBER first. Staying sober will come after I can learn to be sober first.
I admitted all to Alex as well. Continue honesty even if I slip I need to be forthcoming when it happens not later. The real thing to do is bring it up before I pick up because I know and plan my relapses now that I’ve been on the 2-3 weeks gripping the wagon and 1-2 weeks bailing out the back and going on a binge for the past 5 months.
Telling someone I am planning to use before picking up is the correct thing to do but that is me choosing not to use (asking to be talked out of it) and therein lies the issue.
I do not know how to stop wanting to get high. I know it takes time. This last 20 days that I made it up until Thursday I wasn’t craving using so much as I was wanting to have energy. I had been starting to be awake for an hour or two after work toward the end. Life doesn’t have time for my body to readjust my sleep schedule but I have to make time and remember that every time I pick up again all that time my body spent healing is flushed with another couple days added to the length of time I’ll be dead to the world.
Goals, count-up widget for 30 days, google app for sobriety count, lose bEck’s number, vent through blogging, get out of bed by 530 every am, lay out clothes night prior,
I could use all the help i can get so any suggestions, ideas, critiques, etc. comment or contact me perty please!!
This blog is saving my ass because I was going to re-up tonight and just keep up the charade until I was ready to face it but definitely put that off for a while. Then I read a couple blog posts that really affected me to a core part of myself that I thought died when Grayson abducted my girls and everything went to hell overnight lit up a bit. Today, though, I was flooded with feelings of empathy, for a minute I let myself care for real, and I for a quick thirty seconds I felt a little rush of hope. I’d have gotten more meth if not for those small but huge mini-emotional breakthroughs. No idea why today but very grateful for it and should maybe put a little faith out there in working on things in my sobriety.
Off to set me some goals and create an outline. Any and all ideas welcomed.
These are what practicing the principles of AA promises every alcoholic and addict to be able to achieve and receive through working an honest twelve step program with a sponsor.
I added all the “requirements” because they do matter in the materialization of these promises as we must put in the work to reap the rewards and it shows in who is in it to win it and the people still riding the fence – sometimes similar but distinctly different programs.