And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate ….

Angry little man with his dukes up ready to fight.

Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off!

Taylor Swift, Shake it Off
my theme song

δαλs 2 αηδ 3 – ραss τнιs sнαℓℓ

Forcing myself to spend time awake and involved in my day.
My body craving sleep and pulling me toward hibernation.
I fight it.
Day 2 I felt fine for most, worked an extra 3 hours and only fell out toward the end. Just my friendly coworker noticed and brought me back to focus without consequence. Thankful. Grateful. Stayed awake the rest of the day hit NA and fought with my internet. Finally giving in to the desperate hold of sleep when Alex pulled me in for a hug that I kept embracing until morning rung.
Day 3 only a 3 hour workday (they asked for extra, I couldn’t give) sick to my stomach, just an ache that wouldn’t amount to releasing anything but threatened insistently. My head burst intermittently when I moved just so, and just so was not consistent to any one movement it was just so. Boss bought breakfast thought I wouldn’t, then I did and so worth it. I hadn’t eaten in days probably a big cause of my haze. Thankful. Grateful. Full. Got home and gave in, let sleep win. Overcome with comfortable ease of nothing I didn’t make NA, skipped treatment too, called in and said I had the flu. Fever! don’t make us sick, yeah I’m not slick she knew I wasn’t. Got my ass up to go see my girl sing in her school choir performance. Spent the whole time searching the sea of young little faces and none belonged to me. Listened and waited and left with confusion, tried her dad’s phone to no resolution. Later she called and we figured it out – she’d been standing too low for my shortness to account. Moral being that I’m glad I’m kicking my own ass out of hibernation and not letting life just pass. Cause even though we didn’t see one another she was just overjoyed that I’d been there to support her. These moments we can’t get back and of which I’ve missed too many.
I’m interrupting this cycle and taking away my excuses, its taking real effort and not even about using. I only have a tiny smidge of craving that gets stamped out with thoughts I’m reframing. None of this is meant to be a complaint or a whine – just putting my experience out there so anyone in need can see it is hard as hell but we can be set free.

pɐʎ 1 – gOOdbYe yesterdAy

Today is the day
To make a change
To take a chance
To leap with faith
To keep my mind safe
To ask for help
To task my.self
Allay all doubt today

They said it works.
I read it works.
I tried my way.
They provide my way.

Nothing to lose
Unless I choose
Again to use
And induce self-abuse

the feLLowship [A.A.]
welcomed me back with
open arms
NbS [N.A.]
welcomed me in with
open hearts


It always seems impossibLe
until its done.


time Takes time

Situation
That
Opposes
Positivity

I’m doing recovery for keeps NOW.
Will I stay clean?
According to them [N.A./A.A. people] so long as I’m working my program I will succeed
Almost finished with my step 1

So thankful for the welcoming fellowship in both of the programs [N.A./A.A.] and I am greatly enjoying meetings.

when aLL eLse faiLs
foLLow directions

Changes:
Attending NA & AA daily if work allows
Actively searching for a sponsor
[the woman I asked today has all the sponsees she can handle but said I can call anytime]
Working the steps and doing the work with N.A. Step Working Guides

Failure is only real if you give up.