Today is the day
To make a change
To take a chance
To leap with faith
To keep my mind safe
To ask for help
To task my.self
Allay all doubt today
They said it works.
I read it works.
I tried my way.
They provide my way.
Nothing to lose
Unless I choose
Again to use
And induce self-abuse
I’m doing recovery for keeps NOW.
Will I stay clean?
According to them [N.A./A.A. people] so long as I’m working my program I will succeed
Almost finished with my step 1
So thankful for the welcoming fellowship in both of the programs [N.A./A.A.] and I am greatly enjoying meetings.
Attending NA & AA daily if work allows
Actively searching for a sponsor
[the woman I asked today has all the sponsees she can handle but said I can call anytime]
Working the steps and doing the work with N.A. Step Working Guides
Daily Reflection May 22
“We…” (the first word of the first step)
TWELVE STEPS & TWELVE TRADITIONS PG. 21
When I was drinking all I could ever think about was “I, I, I” or “Me, Me, Me.”
Such painful obsession of self, such soul sickness, such spiritual selfishness bound me to the bottle for more than half my life.
The journey to find God and to do His will one day at a time began with the first word of the First Step …. “We.”
There was power in numbers, there was strength in numbers, there was safety in numbers, there was life in numbers.
If I had tried to recover alone I probably would have died.
With God and another alcoholic, I have divine purpose in my life… I have become a channel for God’s healing love.
– – – Angela – – –
…hate sharing first. Like sharing later but its so quiet….
I came alone, I stayed alone cause I didn’t reach out and didn’t want anyone reaching out for me… I didn’t know you.
When I came in it was just still me. So I got a sponsor who took me through the book.
I do my recovery, I’m real selfish and take my recovery personal.
The we part is coming to the rooms of alcoholics anonymous and here we are not alone. Step one : “Every natural extinct cries out … 12 steps” the bedrock on which purposeful lives can be built.
We part. Growth and freed me. Allowed me to be me.
I wasn’t that stern as I believed myself to be but I crumbled coming into the rooms.
On the streets I was alone.
Teddy bear I was came out.
Being able to transmit what I’ve been through. Didn’t do that by myself.
Made possible – its a we thing.
WE ADMITTED WE’RE POWERLESS!
Follow some simple directions.
Never made it to see the wizard.
Freedom. Patience. Peace of mind.
Guess I’m dorothy.
Together we stay sober .. alone we get drunk or high.
I have to have some me, we friends, hot and cold. Happy and sad. I’ve got to have it all.
If I’ve never been down I don’t know what it’s like to be up.
I know what it’s like to be down… poor me poor me buy me another drink.
But, now I can get out the water when I want to.
List of blessings…the good stuff.
A lesson or a blessing.
I gotta go through what I gotta go through to get where I need to go.
We do this together.
If you want to join me come on…
if you don’t I’m not gonna chase you.
Attraction not promotion.
IF you’re in the solution send a message of hope to the hopeless.
This disease makes you tell lies to yourself.
Locked up in your head, in your thoughts.
Don’t have to go to prison – locked in your thoughts.
Addiction will dance on your coffin.
Man called 2 am bout to kill himself and you can’t answer yo phone.
Put on the uniform but if you never get in the game you can score a touchdown.
I’m truly blessed. I’ve been truly overpaid if I were to die today.
I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna walk you through this. You need another individual who has walked down the path to walk you down that path. Somebody will take you down that path.
It is such a joy to humble yourself and be teachable.
Come here to learn how to stay sober
and carry that message on to the next alcoholic who is willing to listen.
Tried to outsmart the disease and now they’re dead.
I’m able to do what I want to do today because I’m sober.
Just stay sober one day one minute at a time.
Put one foot in front of the other and move forward.
We together stay sober. Get in the middle of the tribe. Get up front. Don’t wait. Its not coming to knock. Paid on your actions not on your intentions.
If I go out and use today it isn’t the program not working its because I decided not to use the program.
If I take a drink today there’s gonna be a yard sale tomorrow and half the shit aint gonna be mine.
Victim to the disease
i couldn’t do this alone and i tried so many times and don’t know how many times I failed.
Got to aa found out i couldn’t do this alone.
We, made sense.
I didn’t talk for a day or two or a year. 6.
Sometimes I just listen.
Read the stories and understand the Big Book.
We together solve each others problems or at least give suggestions.
We can survive another day of sobriety if WE want.
Write down what is going to make you use: Go and do it because it is going to happen. Have you found your yet, yet?
By being a group of ppl who understand each other. Ppl who haven’t been in addiction don’t understand.
I have been known to be wrong haha.
Gotta do the work and it’s free.
We wasn’t never meant to be alone.
If in some way you come here and don’t see AA materializing in your life on a daily basis you’re doing something wrong.
Phobia of other ppls dogs. Coming at me all aggressive. Asked the Missus to put him up. She swore and called me an idiot. Didn’t respond didn’t escalate. Just left.
You get to see these little things.
If you’re not helping you’re hindering.
We is a group.
I come here to learn. To get through my day.
Can’t live yesterday over again. Can’t live tomorrow cause it never comes so I’ve got to live in here today.
Sometimes, somewhere in your life something gotta click.
I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed but I can cut ya.
Stopping and starting day over again.
I have to live for me but have other people in my life.
I can’t walk a straight and narrow but I’m not Jesus, I make mistakes.
Keep my feet planted moving forward.
Hope to never go backward but have people in case yet happens.
Nip shit in the bud.
Aint fittin to hit you in the head with a bottle today, I’m going the other way.
Anger is a big part of I fell down. YOU MADE ME DO IT. Umm nope.
Excuses excuses excuses.
I woke up this morning but I didn’t do it myself.
A day late and I brought four quarters!
So just enough and in the nick of time…
…for today and all we’ve got is now
peace, love, happy thoughts, and good vibes
NA . Meeting One
Who’s an addict?
What is the NA program?
Why are we here?
How it works (the stEPS)
We do recover.
- Living Clean. 1983
- more will be revealed
- we grow as individuals & as a fellowship
- sharing, caring, & service
- face life on its own terms without drugs
- practice principles in life
- impact of our recovery on our own lives and others
- giving, living, loving more
- we can find hope even when our lives are very difficult
- different moments teach us, reach us, or help us breakthrough
- collection of experience, strength, and hope
**Most important thing about living clean is that we’re ALIVE to do it.**
***Miracle of getting clean is not the last that we’ll experience.***
**We are living clean and every day the journey continues.**
Deon: service position? but am i honestly available? don’t want to overwhelm myself. never thought i could put on a jersey again. grateful for the opportunity.
going through it. this morning saw a video on facebook of 3 chicks doing meth. body just reacted to it. had an anxiety attack. called a “close mouth friend” for an ear.
feelings are temporary. you just have to let them pass. but that means you have to LET THEM PASS.
preparing for Dad to not be around anymore, he’s ill and getting his affairs in order in preparation for the end. i have to show him i’m ready to be on my own so he isn’t worried.
just for today clean – lean on people to keep me clean.
^Lee^ :: mom passed a couple years back. still painful.
my addict – “King Kong on Steroids” telling me to “do this, use
that, to avoid the pain.
15 years in August.
streets out there don’t give a fuck about you.
there is work to be done IN HERE.
addiction doesn’t care it just wants to destroy you.
By being at a meeting, as addicts, we’re doing something against the grain.
go back out misery refunded 154%.
today is not a good day to die.
2 years off coke. 1 year off meth.
Speaking up for prayers for a guy in need on
bus who got beat up and was having seizures.
first got to the rooms was super prego and scared
weird to think b/c this place isn’t scary – out there is scary
all I could do was be here and listen, was speechless
chaired – everyone focused on me — self obsession
panic attack, overwhelmed
not about Me, about US
the meetings aren’t just HERE, this is a well-oiled machine
clean a building – get to get out of my head and sweat – keep from gaining cause “I eat!”
been only coming to a meeting when I chair
which is not enough
I feel lacking
sharing brought me out of my shell
that’s the 360
service positions kept him clean
get in there and get it – see the difference in your life & changes
friends from active use came in and got clean too
even some people who’ve gone back out have come back
what this program has to offer is AWESOME!
if you’re struggling – NOT worth picking up
“Hang out – get in someone’s back pocket”
b/c of these rooms … 4 months 1 day (19 yrs after 1st try to get clean)
gotta be the father my son needs (mom died in accident)
went into inpatient of own accord
son didn’t need/want stuff – needed Dad!
“being a father is brand-new to me” raised daughter in addiction
IF I DON’T DO IT FOR MYSESLF I’M NOT GOING TO DO IT FOR NOBODY ELSE.
felt like a DIRTbag but feel human again now being clean
son fills my heart – love myself again
routine::morning affirmation. picks up son out of bed and stands him up.
Neither here nor there – immaterial things
Love myself so I can love my son and my family again.
used to “sleep” out in back of meeting room/at mcdonald’s
knows the homeless community, had been part of their community
HAVING Motivation to keep striving to stay clean
Motivated by gratitude list
living smarter, wiser, cleaner
Not going to forget where I came from or where I’ve been (ie homeless community)
Humble self – not going to forget
@NA we give back & run things from within
Stick and Stay
Don’t quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens
Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another—the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death.
NA is a nonprofit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovering addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean. This is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs. There is only one requirement for membership, the desire to stop using. We suggest that you keep an open mind and give yourself a break. Our program is a set of principles written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives. The most important thing about them is that they work.
There are no strings attached to NA. We are not affiliated with any other organizations. We have no initiation fees or dues, no pledges to sign, no promises to make to anyone. We are not connected with any political, religious, or law enforcement groups, and are under no surveillance at any time. Anyone may join us, regardless of age, race, sexual identity, creed, religion, or lack of religion.
We are not interested in what or how much you used or who your connections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help. The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away. We have learned from our group experience that those who keep coming to our meetings regularly stay clean.
Before coming to the Fellowship of NA, we could not manage our own lives. We could not live and enjoy life as other people do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in drugs. We placed their use ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have drugs at all costs. We did many people great harm, but most of all we harmed ourselves. Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities we were actually creating our own problems. We seemed to be incapable of facing life on its own terms.
Most of us realized that in our addiction we were slowly committing suicide, but addiction is such a cunning enemy of life that we had lost the power to do anything about it. Many of us ended up in jail, or sought help through medicine, religion, and psychiatry. None of these methods was sufficient for us. Our disease always resurfaced or continued to progress until, in desperation, we sought help from each other in Narcotics Anonymous.
After coming to NA we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible.
If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the effort to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the principles that made our recovery possible.
1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
This sounds like a big order, and we can’t do it all at once. We didn’t become addicted in one day, so remember—easy does it.
There is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery; this is an attitude of indifference or intolerance toward spiritual principles. Three of these that are indispensable are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. With these we are well on our way.
We feel that our approach to the disease of addiction is completely realistic, for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. We feel that our way is practical, for one addict can best understand and help another addict. We believe that the sooner we face our problems within our society, in everyday living, just that much faster do we become acceptable, responsible, and productive members of that society.
The only way to keep from returning to active addiction is not to take that first drug. If you are like us you know that one is too many and a thousand never enough. We put great emphasis on this, for we know that when we use drugs in any form, or substitute one for another, we release our addiction all over again.
Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse. Before we came to NA, many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover.
We keep what we have only with vigilance, and just as freedom for the individual comes from the Twelve Steps, so freedom for the group springs from our traditions.
As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well.
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on NA unity.
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
3. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.
4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or NA as a whole.
5. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.
6. An NA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the NA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
7. Every NA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
8. Narcotics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
9. NA, as such, ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the NA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
Symptoms of a spiritual awakening
“The steps lead to an awakening of a spiritual nature. This awakening is evidenced by changes in our lives.”
Basic Text, p. 49
We know how to recognize the disease of addiction. Its symptoms are indisputable. Besides an uncontrollable appetite for drugs, those suffering exhibit self-centered, self-seeking behavior. When our addiction was at its peak of activity, we were obviously in a great deal of pain. We relentlessly judged ourselves and others, and spent most of our time worrying or trying to control outcomes.
Just as the disease of addiction is evidenced by definite symptoms, so is a spiritual awakening made manifest by certain obvious signs in a recovering addict. We may observe a tendency to think and act spontaneously, a loss of interest in judging or interpreting the actions of anyone else, an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment, and frequent attacks of smiling.
If we see someone exhibiting symptoms of a spiritual awakening, we should be aware that such awakenings are contagious. Our best course of action is to get close to these people. As we begin having frequent, overwhelming episodes of gratitude, an increased receptiveness to the love extended by our fellow members, and an uncontrollable urge to return this love, we’ll realize that we, too, have had a spiritual awakening.
Just for today: My strongest desire is to have a spiritual awakening. I will watch for its symptoms and rejoice when I discover them.
We do recover.
Loving this word: Perspicacity
a penetrating discernment —a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight.
Perspicacityis an abstract noun describing a certain capacity of a certain capability.
(Such an awesome sentence that leaves you wanting more!)
I’ve fallen in LOVE
I’ve fallen in LOVE
True love I swear it be
With my new recovery
So I have been an avid Alcoholics Anonymous follower, when I’m avidly following some idea of a recovery program. BUT NOW I want to shout it from the rooftops that I havr finally found where I belong!! NA is eye opening; people out there understand me. I’ve been working on Step 1 questions from the program’s original step working guide and it made me read the NA book to answer a question so I started scanning for the answer and words started catching my eye. I knew I wasn’t going to get a good answer only half-assing my 101 page reading assignment and I was interested so I started at the first page and fell in love!! If I wasn’t seeing stars from being so tired after working my 2 am shift I’d still be reading it but I stopped at step 2 because I don’t want to read ahead and overwhelm myself. I may do so anyway after I nap.
The language and voice in the NA book is so different from that of the Big Book. I felt like I was chatting with someone my age with tattoos telling me about this exclusive “get clean for real this time” offer they’ve got going on. I know it isn’t especial for me, right? It sure seemed like it was while reading. I feel this program is exactly what my attempts at getting clean have been missing.
I wasn’t a fan of the longer meetings and the crowd where I went to a couple times I tried it was a bit rough. Hell, I need to put the extra time into my recovery and who am I to judge anyone?! Things are coming together.
Also, in no way am I dogging AA, the steps are exactly the same and the program is similar and I felt at home at my homegroup. I’m so darned excited to get a sponsor in NA. To talk to people about the struggles of methamphetamine withdrawal, specifically. It is so rad – the NA book has a chapter on Recovery and Relapse. I always wondered why relapse was so hush hush in AA, it seemed like to do so was to insult the group or at least specific people. I’m even planning on sharing and I never share at AA.
Okay nap time!! I’ll leave you with some NA wisdom:
Step1 :: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
This is a definite tough place to start for me. I’ve always felt that I consciously made my choice to use, and I don’t want to admit I can’t control my addiction on my own. I’ve also lived by not being the victim and owning my own shit. My dad and I both have never been able to wrap our heads around admitting powerlessness being a strength. After reading, a lot, I’ve finally found that I can accept and admit that I am powerless over my disease of addiction or I would have been able to stay quit all these times I have relapsed over the last 8 months.
The softest and easiest to accept way that I found powerlessness described was: “accepting what is and believing in what could be.” I like it and if I don’t want to deal with the issue I’m having with my pride in accepting giving up control, I’d roll with it. But I want to deal with all these things I have glossed over in my failed attempts to stay clean up until now. I did like a part by the same author saying, “accepting what is and what is not” as to accepting powerlessness and she defines it differently stating that powerlessness is, “admitting that no amount of trying or practicing or self-control” could overcome my addiction.
I found a great post that gave me questions to answer for step 1 as well as lists to be made and I wrote a lot. This is the first step toward regaining control and taking my life back.
Can change: my attitudes, my actions.
Cannot change: other people’s emotions or actions, my disease of addiction, the past
This is what I believe is meant behind the “accepting what is and what is not” and appreciate the great ideas brought about. I just don’t believe that that is all that admitting powerlessness is about.
I think admitting powerlessness is a lot more humbling and personally invasive. I can accept my life being unmanageable without any pause, I know it is true. The concept that I’m, “
without power, strength, or ability; wholly unable to act, influence, etc; helpless, impotent!” is something I struggle to convince myself of. My ego makes me want to scream, “I’ve got power! I’ve got strength!”
I think a part of my problem is that I get my daughter Riley every weekend and even with clean UAs and nearly completing treatment Grayson still won’t let me have my time with Hope. I’m unmotivated and in staying clean I’m demotivating.
I realize I can
‘t do this with out help.
Proof I’m powerless: I’m drawn right back in even though I am content in life and WANT to stay sober.
I have a disease. Just like my schizophrenia and bipolar this is not within my control, I’m no victim but that helps me admit that I am powerless. I have to take medications for my mental illnesses.
The idea of lacking free will though is disheartening and I found that viewing it as such increases the likelihood of failure.
If I don’t believe I can succeed in controlling my addictive behavior, I’m less likely to try.
Powerlessness does not say powerless over my actions, decisions, or relationships just over drugs.
I am in control of staying clean and keeping active in my sobriety.
I may not feel like it but I know I am in control over if I go pick up.
I never lacked free will, my addiction just often overpowers it. So I’ll say I’ll say I’m not powerless but my addiction is more powerful than my strength of will.
If I get in the ring with my addiction my addiction will win, likely in the first round.
I don’t view powerlessness as weakness? Oh yes I actually do, I was taught to not give up and I always can do whatever I put my mind to BUT I’ve not been able to kick on my own after multiple tries so over my addiction SOLELY I am powerless.
Talking myself through it and heading in the right direction.
Admitting powerlessness is a step of strength, surrendering things I can’t control.
I never quite understood what powerlessness felt like until this last go ’round where I want to be quit but I keep using for no reason, I’m not trying to escape anything anymore.
So I am convinced and can accept that I am powerless over my disease of addiction. I cannot control it on my own, I need help. For that I will be reaching out to NA for the first time. I’m liking the changes in my outlook that I’m feeling. I just dove into the NA book while working on 1st step questions via their “original step working guides” I found online. I swore I was all about AA and I realize that may have been a mistake since I didn’t even try to experience NA, I got comfortable. This Step 1 is going to take a few parts so I don’t overwhelm you since I want to document all of what I do and I’m really working this step. First step to loving life again!
My brain already went out to LackadaisicalWhimsy about an hour ago and I enjoyed typing that up.
And that is pretty much all there is to my Sunday.
I’m still in my sleepwear.
Have since applied jeans to my legs.
12 sTeP AcroNYMS
- GOD : Good Orderly Direction :: Following the guidance of your Higher Power
- EGO : Edging God Out :: Trying to do things MY way and needing to do God’s will
- FEAR : False Evidence Appearing Real :: Fear is an illusion and not real
- KISS : Keep It Simple, Stupid :: Work smarter not harder
- HOPE : Hearing Other People’s Experiences :: Feeling not alone. Listening is an art.
- FINE : Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional :: You read my mind
i’M hAVING aNXIETY oVER mY nEW aNXIETY
A weird feeling: It is never enough but always too much.
Constantly feeling unsatisfied.
It isn’t how I feel usually but am experiencing some anxiety from it right now.
Constantly isn’t the correct word because while it is a constant on my nerves at this moment this is a new type of anxiety for me.
I don’t do enough anything.
Usually I am very happy with me but I don’t feel good in my skin right now.
A certainty of uncertainty.
Avoidance forever or how long will I hold onto my own idiocy.