seLf worth

My inner demon is holding me back from a lot right now and is really pissing me off but I’m struggling to overcome my fear of rejection. I’ve been rejected by the dude I’m with regularly for the last year and now he’s completely rejecting me and deciding to move out and be done with me in a few weeks time, probably…. more games and fuckery and I hate it and I should be the one getting the heck out of this “relationship” because I know that I deserve better – honestly ANY person deserves better than the mental and psychological manipulation and abuse I’ve been going through even a shitty person.. More importantly I finally found a career path I excel at and absolutely love and I have the bestest friend in the entire world who “helped” (I think I’d have had to contribute to classify it as such but to be real she completely wrote my resume and cover letter, beautifully I must say) me revamp my resume and taught me what a cover letter it!! but *dun dun dun* I’m so scared of being turned down I get sick every time I go to finalize the few details left on the resume and put in the application!!

And I know I have NO chance of getting the job if I don’t try. Trust, you me, I keep reminding myself of this even out loud to other people! I know I am capable and I know I can do the job and I will be able to bumble through an interview and the place I am at is referring me and recommending me but I’m frozen with fear. The DV charges (that were eventually dismissed) that dude brought on me to keep control of the “relationship” after he’d physically abused me and was more of the abuser in the first situation he called on and the second I was half asleep and the cops had him put my shoes on my feet and tie them (I’m sorry but my hundred pound 5′ tall behind can’t hurt a grown buff man who can choke me up against the wall using just his fingers!! and if I was some abuser WHY would they put him near my kickers!! lolol) and in both scenarios the police reports said he had not a single mark on him (I live in a state where if the cops are called for DV someone has to go to jail) BUT my point is that that could get me NOT hired when they run my background. I don’t want to find out I CAN’T work in the profession I finally found that is a fit for me!

I’m getting sleepy and apparently needed to type this out in order to get to this point because it is relieving. So thank you for listening [reading] and have, or are having, a very wonderful Tuesday!!

I may be homeless again here real soon and that will devastate my girls and me which makes me sick all day every day lately but as much as I want to curl in a ball and die I am pushing forward and know I’ll be stronger and better for whatever ends up happening.

Happiness is a choice and bygolly I am trying to choose it through and through… if it would just stay still for a minute maybe I could convince it to stay..

Write through it. | 3

I’m still here, just there here. I’ll be here, here too.
You might like it happilyme.blog | more to a dopefiend[dot blog]

iNdubitably iNaNe

8 minute thought-write [type thoughts verbatim no deleting or
correcting grammar. edit for visual style only]

If I let my mind
wander what will I find? A rainbow? A duck. Happenings. Bittersweet
undoings of epic proportions. When I think too much it leaves me
rough and tumbling about without.. Cause for concern no I will earn
and think of a way around. I like free thought write to get out
tonight a way to stop overthinking. Never doubt myself but that is
absurd. I wish. I wallow and forget to swallow or swish? I don’t
know how about dish. The dirt it seems to be the way people entertain
themselves. Other’s misfortune gets you popular for calling out the
family on blast for being. No rules of decency yet new rules of
standards of what is abusive language piss me off. Contradict
probably. Hypocrisy no not on that at least…

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forgetting the unknown

iNdubitably iNaNe

I can’t stop!
Do I want to stop?
I do, I definitely do, I hate driving myself craZy!
Do I get bored of the lack of drama?
Am I causing it?
No. It’s definitely not my fault.
But I am perpetuating the state of affairs (ugh yes affairs..)

I have no solid proof. I get confused as to what I would need to have? Do I need a recording of them in the throws of passion (bleh makes me sick to think) or is my knowing that for the umpteenth time he is acting like he is cheating (admittedly as well) and him acknowledging my proof of inappropriate communication with another female (though since been disappeared from existence) enough?
Nope.
I’m just belittled and ridiculed that I am craZy and making something out of nothing like always.
Okay I’ve been here I’m used to it.
This time though I’m remembering…

View original post 596 more words

reblog :: 06.08.19 – reading in recovery : today’s gift

from Hazeldon Betty Ford Foundation.

reblogged from christophermturner
check out his site MY LIFE AND OTHER SORDID TALES

Saturday, June 8, 2019

Today’s Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts. — Rachel Carson

Beauty is everywhere. It is in the daisies, in the lavender wildflowers, in the new green grass of spring. As we walk through life, noticing such beauty strengthens us. It reminds us of the spiritual creative force alive in this world. On better days, we can feel our own creativity gaining power from such beauty. On harder days, nature’s sunset can help us step out of our suffering for a moment to be comforted and inspired by its splendor.

Even storms, in their wild and angry way, show us a power greater than ourselves. Such awesome beauty is beyond our understanding, and yet it is part of the earth we live on.

What lessons will nature teach me today?

clean.dopefiend: I needed to be reminded that 1. I’m not alone and
2. continuing to try again and again is the making of success. I know I’ll get there, I wish I wasn’t making it so hard on myself.
and 3. finding the beauty in life is a positive step toward healing.
Today I will take my daughter out to walk in the rain and appreciate the purity and beauty of the earth being washed anew. We will intentionally seek out three positive takeaways from the experience that we wouldn’t and likely couldn’t have learned if we’d stayed inside.