seLf worth

My inner demon is holding me back from a lot right now and is really pissing me off but I’m struggling to overcome my fear of rejection. I’ve been rejected by the dude I’m with regularly for the last year and now he’s completely rejecting me and deciding to move out and be done with me in a few weeks time, probably…. more games and fuckery and I hate it and I should be the one getting the heck out of this “relationship” because I know that I deserve better – honestly ANY person deserves better than the mental and psychological manipulation and abuse I’ve been going through even a shitty person.. More importantly I finally found a career path I excel at and absolutely love and I have the bestest friend in the entire world who “helped” (I think I’d have had to contribute to classify it as such but to be real she completely wrote my resume and cover letter, beautifully I must say) me revamp my resume and taught me what a cover letter it!! but *dun dun dun* I’m so scared of being turned down I get sick every time I go to finalize the few details left on the resume and put in the application!!

And I know I have NO chance of getting the job if I don’t try. Trust, you me, I keep reminding myself of this even out loud to other people! I know I am capable and I know I can do the job and I will be able to bumble through an interview and the place I am at is referring me and recommending me but I’m frozen with fear. The DV charges (that were eventually dismissed) that dude brought on me to keep control of the “relationship” after he’d physically abused me and was more of the abuser in the first situation he called on and the second I was half asleep and the cops had him put my shoes on my feet and tie them (I’m sorry but my hundred pound 5′ tall behind can’t hurt a grown buff man who can choke me up against the wall using just his fingers!! and if I was some abuser WHY would they put him near my kickers!! lolol) and in both scenarios the police reports said he had not a single mark on him (I live in a state where if the cops are called for DV someone has to go to jail) BUT my point is that that could get me NOT hired when they run my background. I don’t want to find out I CAN’T work in the profession I finally found that is a fit for me!

I’m getting sleepy and apparently needed to type this out in order to get to this point because it is relieving. So thank you for listening [reading] and have, or are having, a very wonderful Tuesday!!

I may be homeless again here real soon and that will devastate my girls and me which makes me sick all day every day lately but as much as I want to curl in a ball and die I am pushing forward and know I’ll be stronger and better for whatever ends up happening.

Happiness is a choice and bygolly I am trying to choose it through and through… if it would just stay still for a minute maybe I could convince it to stay..

4 Comments

    1. lackadaisicalwhimsy

      Thank you! I know this and yet I fight myself every step of the way to do the right thing and be the strong person I know I am. I do often forget that I am not alone in this anymore and it means so much more than I can explain in words, it lets me breath even in the shit of it.

      Sad to say I did not accomplish getting my application in.. I did open both my resume and cover letter and started to look into what specific marks I hit as the Program Director (waay too important sounding name for my position but I appreciate the sound of it now) and got distracted by Alex bullshit that I really need to just move on from and realize it is over but I keep finding out more debauchery and … I’m addicted to sleuthing! Oh joy he’s waking up!

      Like

      1. errantmoon

        It is understandable to get distracted when you’ve got something important to do, your brain is trying to protect you from rejection or having to deal with stressful stuff. You’ll get there, I really believe that.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. lackadaisicalwhimsy

        I checked and the positions I want to apply for are all still available too. Plus from what I’m told they have a high turn over rate but that is my kind of challenge!! I’m super flustered right now though… So I just keep focusing on the job I’m doing but it is going to end soon and for real this time I’m sure!

        Thank you for your encouragement and support I need and appreciate it!

        Liked by 1 person

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