stEP One .. stEP woRk. part .2

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6 Comments

  1. errantmoon

    Honest and engaging writing, as usual, but your words skate over why you sabotage yourself as if it isn’t the most important part…it is though. It is also the most painful bit. People self sabotage when they don’t think they’re worth the effort, or they have always been told that. Either way, it will never stick without addressing that elephant in the room. If you turn your brutal honesty inwards it will feel like you’re stabbing yourself in the back, but it won’t kill you and it will make you stronger.
    Also – your feelings, personality and creativity won’t be dull, just different. We don’t suffer sobriety, it’s what makes everything else bearable.
    All that sounds like I’m berating you, I’m not, I know you’re capable of beating this, just as you do.
    I hope you’re feeling better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. lackadaisicalwhimsy

      Thank you! I needed some feedback I’ve been flailing a bit.
      I like the inwards honesty back stab strength concept. Very poetic and I can relate to the feeling and being stronger for it as well.
      I wasn’t meaning to not address why I picked up so much as I can’t recall anything that caused me to want to use. I think because I’d been picking up on days I UAed for treatment for the month pretty consistently. Come to think of it I have been relapsing when I hit the early twenties for clean days and my UA days are definitely when I’ve been picking up (I have to leave the house to go in so I have a legit reason to not be home and I meet dude along or nearby my route) so there is my trigger. It gives me time to use and have enough time to be clean for my next UA so I use without consequence. Except the hibernation period, that is a consequence.
      I either have to use moderately regularly so I sleep normally or quit cause this binge using is too much to recover from.
      I’m not really throwing the option of regular use out there. If I relapse every 20 days for the next year while I keep trying to stay clean I’ll take it over giving up and letting meth run my life. right off a damn cliff it would…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. sobrietytree

    This is really beautiful, creative and original. I think it’s great work, love your path. About the “no sex drive,” I wonder how many women are measuring their sex drive against a man’s? Men have a different reproductive cycle than us, the sex drive is daily for most. For women it’s normally a few days around ovulation. That is natural. I wish society would realize this. Yes it can be worked around to sustain a relationship but it needs to be acknowledged.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. lackadaisicalwhimsy

      Thank you!
      I wish my sex drive made an appearance once a month. Between depleting my natural production of all happiness/pleasure chemicals, side effects of my antipsychotic, and that worse than no sex drive I have no feeling/sensitivity possible without using and if I use to get some I’m potentially irreversibly damaging myself plus using isn’t an option.
      I had finally gotten to a point in life where I had desire and enjoyment naturally the past couple years; then on a Tuesday less than two days after things had worked without issue of any kind, there was just nothing, less than nothing like someone hadn’t just shut down the power but had gone through and ripped out all of the wiring and connectors…
      That was about a year ago and nothing, less than nothing since except for for during my relapsing and that was hit and mostly complete misses anyway.
      Sorry for sharing way more than you probably have any desire to know but I needed to vent my .. whatever is beyond frustration, I’m probably on the brink of despair at this point. Thank you, sorry!

      Liked by 1 person

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