0.nineteen – feelings…no thanks!

I think at some point I said I wanted to feel things now. That I was ready to feel for real. . .
I take it back.
I don’t want to feel.

I broke down yesterday over my situation with my youngest, Hope, and how I never get to see her. I just lost it.
Alex says to think of it as growth and remember that it won’t be like this or feel like this forever.
I, on the other hand, liked being able to just deal with it without internalizing it and without that gut wrenching ache in my stomach. I felt sick all last night. All I want to do is sleep now that I’m not fully hibernating I think I’m hitting depression. I don’t want to deal. I want to hide.

I’ve got nothing positive right now. I want to use. It makes life so much easier for the moment, I realize not in the long run and is actually the cause and continued issue in the problem I am running from my feelings about.

So, I’m not taking the easy way out right now. I’m going to suck it up and stay sober today. At this moment. Right now. I am staying sober. I got through last night and I don’t feel as overwhelmingly sad/upset/ugh today.

Just for today, one day at a time, I’m staying clean.

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7 Comments

  1. errantmoon

    Losing it and experiencing depression are the most human and natural reactions to what you’re going through…what else are you supposed to feel when you’re in the middle of something so wrong?!
    But if you choose to work through those feelings (maybe get some help/therapy if possible?) then you will be in a much stronger position to actually deal with it and do what’s needed to change it.
    That doesn’t mean today though, or even tomorrow, but when you’re ready and able…baby steps in the right direction are still steps in the right direction and sometimes hibernating is the only sensible option.
    I hope you feel better soon, take care.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. lackadaisicalwhimsy

      I just came across this comment checking all of my unread notifications. I’m a bit beyond a day late but your words have enriched my life knowledge so I’m not short a dollar.
      This awesome reality check honesty I appreciate and truly gain the most from being humbled and reminded of my humanness. I get stuck thinking this is suppose to be a painless easy process because I’m so used to not feeling between using and my meds I haven’t.
      And I just had a aha light turn on moment realizing that my meds kept me numb when I was sober for that year and a month and I didn’t work a program to work through anything. The entire time I was in therapy I was also numbed by meds and was always just fine when I went to sessions and got nothing out of the 6 months I attended. I’ll need to reassess possibly incorporating some actual therapy eventually.
      I’ve reduced my meds a bit now so I can function enough to work and do meetings and bLog.
      Thank you so much for being real with me and not cosigning my bullshit 😉

      Like

      1. sobrietytree

        And I appreciate yours. ❤ 🙂 So glad to hear about the grounding working out in the moment. I need to do that too. Every day, every hour, I need to remind myself of it. Even comments like yours help me do that. 😘

        Liked by 1 person

  2. mikeykjr

    Our pasts are written in stone; we can’t change what we have done. However, we can change what we do right now. I use my past to learn from my mistakes no matter how terrible of a person I was back in the day. I know when I drink/use, I only care about myself; nothing else matters but the drink/drug – even our own families. Today, I stay sober for myself so I can be with family members when they do need me. Today I am an accountable and responsible adult. I hope that helps!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. lackadaisicalwhimsy

      That it does.
      I just have been focusing on getting through the day sober and not on before or after, just today.
      My use is the reason for all of my issues and I honestly don’t hold any of it against myself anymore I just terribly miss my girls. I don’t want to change my past because, well, I can’t and living in it with the “if only’s” is a miserable existence – which I’ve learned from plenty of experience.
      Dealing with the emotions and that rawness of not-yet-closed wounds is a struggle. Like everything in life, though, I will get through it and doing it sober I’m thinking I’ll get some real spiritual growth in my newfound “hand off my problems to God” way of dealing.
      Anyway, thank you, your words are always helpful and I’m grateful for them!

      Liked by 2 people

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