Posted in recovery

0.ten – kindred spirits

Loving this word: Perspicacity
a penetrating discernment —a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight.

Perspicacityis an abstract noun describing a certain capacity of a certain capability.
(Such an awesome sentence that leaves you wanting more!)

I’ve fallen in LOVE

I’ve fallen in LOVE

True love I swear it be

With my new recovery
Program!!

I’ve chosen

Narcotics Anonymous

So I have been an avid Alcoholics Anonymous follower, when I’m avidly following some idea of a recovery program. BUT NOW I want to shout it from the rooftops that I havr finally found where I belong!! NA is eye opening; people out there understand me. I’ve been working on Step 1 questions from the program’s original step working guide and it made me read the NA book to answer a question so I started scanning for the answer and words started catching my eye. I knew I wasn’t going to get a good answer only half-assing my 101 page reading assignment and I was interested so I started at the first page and fell in love!! If I wasn’t seeing stars from being so tired after working my 2 am shift I’d still be reading it but I stopped at step 2 because I don’t want to read ahead and overwhelm myself. I may do so anyway after I nap.

The language and voice in the NA book is so different from that of the Big Book. I felt like I was chatting with someone my age with tattoos telling me about this exclusive “get clean for real this time” offer they’ve got going on. I know it isn’t especial for me, right? It sure seemed like it was while reading. I feel this program is exactly what my attempts at getting clean have been missing.

I wasn’t a fan of the longer meetings and the crowd where I went to a couple times I tried it was a bit rough. Hell, I need to put the extra time into my recovery and who am I to judge anyone?! Things are coming together.

Also, in no way am I dogging AA, the steps are exactly the same and the program is similar and I felt at home at my homegroup. I’m so darned excited to get a sponsor in NA. To talk to people about the struggles of methamphetamine withdrawal, specifically. It is so rad – the NA book has a chapter on Recovery and Relapse. I always wondered why relapse was so hush hush in AA, it seemed like to do so was to insult the group or at least specific people. I’m even planning on sharing and I never share at AA.

Okay nap time!! I’ll leave you with some NA wisdom:

Posted in recovery

stEP.1 :: mercy!! Uncle!! I surrender!!

Step1 :: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Part1:
Powerlessness

This is a definite tough place to start for me. I’ve always felt that I consciously made my choice to use, and I don’t want to admit I can’t control my addiction on my own. I’ve also lived by not being the victim and owning my own shit. My dad and I both have never been able to wrap our heads around admitting powerlessness being a strength. After reading, a lot, I’ve finally found that I can accept and admit that I am powerless over my disease of addiction or I would have been able to stay quit all these times I have relapsed over the last 8 months.
The softest and easiest to accept way that I found powerlessness described was: “accepting what is and believing in what could be.” I like it and if I don’t want to deal with the issue I’m having with my pride in accepting giving up control, I’d roll with it. But I want to deal with all these things I have glossed over in my failed attempts to stay clean up until now. I did like a part by the same author saying, “accepting what is and what is not” as to accepting powerlessness and she defines it differently stating that powerlessness is, “admitting that no amount of trying or practicing or self-control” could overcome my addiction.

I found a great post that gave me questions to answer for step 1 as well as lists to be made and I wrote a lot. This is the first step toward regaining control and taking my life back.

Can change: my attitudes, my actions.
Cannot change: other people’s emotions or actions, my disease of addiction, the past
This is what I believe is meant behind the “accepting what is and what is not” and appreciate the great ideas brought about. I just don’t believe that that is all that admitting powerlessness is about.
I think admitting powerlessness is a lot more humbling and personally invasive. I can accept my life being unmanageable without any pause, I know it is true. The concept that I’m, “without power, strength, or ability; wholly unable to act, influence, etc; helpless, impotent!” is something I struggle to convince myself of. My ego makes me want to scream, “I’ve got power! I’ve got strength!”

I think a part of my problem is that I get my daughter Riley every weekend and even with clean UAs and nearly completing treatment Grayson still won’t let me have my time with Hope. I’m unmotivated and in staying clean I’m demotivating.
I realize I can‘t do this without help.

Proof I’m powerless: I’m drawn right back in even though I am content in life and WANT to stay sober.
I have a disease. Just like my schizophrenia and bipolar this is not within my control, I’m no victim but that helps me admit that I am powerless. I have to take medications for my mental illnesses.
The idea of lacking free will though is disheartening and I found that viewing it as such increases the likelihood of failure.
If I don’t believe I can succeed in controlling my addictive behavior, I’m less likely to try.
So boo helpless.
Powerlessness does not say powerless over my actions, decisions, or relationships just over drugs.
I am in control of staying clean and keeping active in my sobriety.
I may not feel like it but I know I am in control over if I go pick up.
I never lacked free will, my addiction just often overpowers it. So I’ll say I’ll say I’m not powerless but my addiction is more powerful than my strength of will.
If I get in the ring with my addiction my addiction will win, likely in the first round.
I don’t view powerlessness as weakness? Oh yes I actually do, I was taught to not give up and I always can do whatever I put my mind to BUT I’ve not been able to kick on my own after multiple tries so over my addiction SOLELY I am powerless.
Talking myself through it and heading in the right direction.
Admitting powerlessness is a step of strength, surrendering things I can’t control.
I never quite understood what powerlessness felt like until this last go ’round where I want to be quit but I keep using for no reason, I’m not trying to escape anything anymore.
So I am convinced and can accept that I am powerless over my disease of addiction. I cannot control it on my own, I need help. For that I will be reaching out to NA for the first time. I’m liking the changes in my outlook that I’m feeling. I just dove into the NA book while working on 1st step questions via their “original step working guides” I found online. I swore I was all about AA and I realize that may have been a mistake since I didn’t even try to experience NA, I got comfortable. This Step 1 is going to take a few parts so I don’t overwhelm you since I want to document all of what I do and I’m really working this step. First step to loving life again!

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?

Harry Shearer