0.nine – craving change

I feel trapped.
It is like I know the right things to do but the wrong thing keeps pulling me back in.
I’ve been addicted to something since I was 15 and started smoking cigarettes and weed.
Then it was alcohol.
Then it was pain medication, prescribed (haha then not prescribed if I ran out).
Then it was a giant leap into heroin.
And meth.
I beat all the other addictions.
I feel unmotivated.
The longest I’ve been sober is one year and one month in 18 years.
I was on fire!
I loved life clean.
Since I couldn’t handle my emotions I turned back to my old pal meth.
For years it had obliterated all pain for me.
It was accessible and I knew it would numb the madness.
I backslid on my medications, too.
I feel incomplete.
8 months of a back and forth game.
I’m ready for it to stop.
I’m working on it one day at a time, or hour, or moment.
But it’s calling my name.
It’s driving me insane.
I’m grieving my addiction as I fight to stay clean.
My addiction got me through the hardest parts of my life.
They are still ongoing and it’s difficult to face them.
I feel overwhelmed.
No one said it would be easy.
Actually everyone said it would be hard.
I’ve accepted my horrid mistake to start using again.
Finally, no more guilt or blame or anger or shame.
So that is helping.
I got through losing a job the day after getting clean.
I’m working a crazy schedule and I’m doing it!
I feel hopeful.

Image by pict rider

Working through my issues one step at a time.
pic by nali

Here we are, trapped in the amber of moment. There is no why.

Kurt Vonnegut

Have a great day filled with happiness!

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