reblog: I Grieve For My Madness — Emma Scarr


I grieve for my Madness Now it’s so calm and still Everything’s so dull compared to When I was ill…

I Grieve For My Madness — Emma Scarr

There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar levant

I was diagnosed schizophrenic and bipolar 1, combined creating my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I have used drugs to self medicate when I was not fully diagnosed and unable to continue getting the medications I had been on for years. The last time I got sober I had a few psychotic episodes that ended me up in a psychiatric ward for a couple weeks once and a months time the next. Then I got started on a hefty dose of medications. Emma’s poem puts into words perfectly what I’m struggling with staying on my medication and in sobriety. Life is different and my personality is very neutral, I lose my emotions and it takes enormous effort to feel for, toward, about anything. I’ve been told that maybe I should reduce my medications but they’re set to keep my symptoms at bay and less creates more symptoms. I honestly don’t mind most of them, enjoy some even, but I become misunderstood and too much for the people close to me. So I take my medications.
When I use I don’t take my medications. Methamphetamine calms the chaos and keeps me centered. It is like being on medication but still having energy, light, feelings, being.
I can’t and don’t want to keep using though so I have to figure out how to overcome the downer of being medicated in a healthy way. I’m still trying to figure that one out.
This poem describes a big part of my struggle.

I grieve for my madness
Now it’s so calm and still
Everything’s so dull compared to 
When I was ill
 
I saw vibrant colours 
Each subtle shade of green 
Took my crazy breath away 
In a psychedelic dream
 
I could love a man so deeply
I wouldn’t let him rest
I tried to melt right into him 
To climb inside his chest
 
I was never bored
It never stopped at all
My head was a pinball machine 
My thoughts the silver balls
 
I wrote ten million words, I cried ten million tears
I rode the rollercoaster, for thirty manic years
 
But that overwhelming beauty
In the forest and the town
Turned to Earthly terror
On the turn around
 
And the men I had all left me
They didn’t want that love
I was “too intense” 
And they could never be enough
 
And it had to end sometime
You can’t go on like that..
It just seems a little boring
It just feels a little flat
 
So I’ll mourn my insanity 
But I will let it go
And embrace reality
Although it’s rather slow

Emma scarr, I grieve for my madness


It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.


Philip K. Dick , Valis