recovery

page 1 – tell / page 2 – show

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Honest to the real how I feel

I’m high.
I feel dehydrated.
I’m super tired but can’t sleep.
I’m irritated.
I want to be mad at something.
I’m achy.
My teeth hurt, feel uncomfortable.
I have a constant dull headache, when I move my head I get a sharp pain behind my eye.
My ear feels clogged and swollen/sore.
I keep feeling like I have to pee right after I pee and the sensation will return at random but I don’t have to pee.
Proud of myself for not touching my face but my skin is clammy/greasy..
I may have enjoyed the first smoke, I’m not sure, but each one after is to make me feel less shitty. I didn’t start off feeling shitty. I had been having a pretty good day.
I regret getting high.
I still haven’t thrown out what I have left (a bole).
I wish I was sober.
My throat is sore.
I missed 2 days of work last week. because getting high made me sick. sore throat. dizziness. hot and cold. dry, itchy eyes. (some of it was allergies but even so)

My best eXcuses and forgeTs

  • If I had smoked less amount/frequency/potency I would have enjoyed it/it wouldn’t have made me sick except it makes you sick EVERY TIME at some point and usually right quick
  • I was a functioning addict and I like to get high so I should be able to if I’m not around my kids but you don’t enjoy being high anymore and only did to avoid living and feeling and you NEVER functioned at your full potential high, you eked by and your kids deserve you sober 100% of the time, you should have done better, so do it NOW
  • I have no energy or motivation, no sex drive, no pleasure this one sucks because I’ve got no rebuttal –continuing to use will just make the return of these further off and could eradicate them
  • I’m just going to get high for a few days, get me through…then I’ll be done for good this time no matter how short your use your recovery time is always 10 to 14 days of constant sleep and EVERY time you relapse you swear it’ll be your last when you go buy. don’t pick up
  • I just want to lose the weight I gained, I’ll eat healthy after this time around so I won’t gain you always say the same EXACT thing. have you even gained weight, you need to. change your eating like recently protein shakes and smoothies, limit NOS
  • I have no energy tell the truth: you’ve picked back up the day that you finally feel energy returning the last two times KNOWING you were being idiotic
  • I can’t help it, I’m an addict bahahaha that’s cute. we’ve stopped lying to ourselves remember.

Delusion

I can do this on my own



I’m fooling anyone




I want to live my life in active addiction off and on


I am more aware, creative and focused using


Reality

I don’t want the consequences to my custody of getting the real help I need

I’m avoiding anyone who would notice the subtleties and people who have noticed don’t know the why

Maybe sobriety sucks too but at least it’s honest and not killing you and destroying your relationships

You spent time in a psych ward
You can’t concentrate or keep on track
You’re only aware of yourself
You’re a bad mom
You’re more creative clean


I want to be and do better.
It can’t be optional anymore.
I am living rock bottom, I hit it and stayed; I lowered my standards until I could exist without constantly dying inside.
I need to wake up.
I need to fight again.
There is no excuse for my selfish and immature choice to resign.
Suck it up, buttercup!


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12 replies »


  1. These are your true thoughts and feelings looking for answers of what happened and what you can do now. Who cares what other people think. You will find out more people will support your honesty, at least I did. We all want things in life but, in my opinoin, without sobriety we didn’t get far at all, just look at our pasts. One, make a committment to yourself (as it appears your 1/2 way there) – don’t use, remember where you are now and where you came from. You don’t have to be there again. Others had good suggestions – phone numbers, start fresh (save people who support and trust you), delete the rest. DON’T beat yourself up. Doing so, based on my experience, will keep you where you are at, you need to move forward. NO ONE IS PERFECT, otherwise you wouldn’t be where you are today. Perhaps there is a reason this happened. Right now, don’t worry about it. Concentrate on living. Do one thing at a time (even though I am sure you have 1000 voices talking to you in your head – I did at the beginning of both my sobrieties). Committ to yourself to do one thing for your sobriety a day, even if it not to drink or use for right now. Even the smallest accomplishments are some of the best reinforcements that we can do it!
    I hope that helps.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I greatly appreciate all the constructive criticism and new advice!
      Thought-writing is something I’ve done as a brainstorming tool so it was intense watching my raw ideas hit the page upon realization, especially knowing I’d be publishing these vulnerabilities. I free write and edit and publish all the time which I love but this was new.
      And no worries, I’m in good spirits not beating myself up. My post was meant to be brutal honesty with myself, it is a big part of my blog and program.
      Thanks for all the support.

      Liked by 1 person

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