0.19 – toxicity is in the air.

Eeeek!
8 days I have let lapse without an update anywhere.
My bad! Have faith I will get better the more sober I get.
I am still sober.
I feel like I’ve lost my creative thinking part of my brain. My brain feels a bit mushy the past week.
I almost picked up today. If it hadn’t been for overtime at work I might have. I’m struggling to feel awake and motivated. I do great at work but just in life outside of work I’m blah.

My boyfriend has been looking at porn chicks – not porn videos but the actual chicks and something about dating… 😦 – so I’m feeling not so awesome about my lack of ANY sex drive. I’m going to try my best to at least fake the funk and get intimate tonight. I still feel like he’s doing something treacherous and I’ve been sleeping while he’s been off doing whatever with his location turned off so I’m in the dark. Snooping only gets you so far when you’re trying to be as unsnoopy while snooping by just checking his accounts and not putting something on his phone to give me all the info. I’m trying to stay away from it all together but like quitting drugs its a process and I’m making good baby steps. I went all week without even checking ANYTHING so I wasn’t even doing that while I’ve been MIA!!

So I took a short interlude to chat with my Riley and my mister on the phone. Ri needed to do homework so it was a short and sweet conversation. Alex is sitting at the laundromat (he went after me which was weird but …. yeah) and we got to chatting about things. It came about that I felt sometimes that I am holding him back with my fucking up and still struggling with addiction self and that I feel selfish, sometimes, for not letting him go. Well I wasn’t looking for reassurance of him wanting to be with me, I was being honest and wanted to know his take. I no longer like that I did that. He feels that it would be healthier for us both if we split. DAMN IT! Let me be completely honest, I knew that was how he felt I just didn’t like the confirmation. We’ve been together three years and I want a lifetime with him but he’s been carrying me this entire time and I’ve just failed over and over. I suspect there may be someone else but that also might be me trying to make myself feel better that it isn’t ME when in fact it is me.
The last thing I can handle right now is a break up. I have no place to go and not enough money to live. I’d not be able to have Riley every weekend because I’d be living in my car… And I adore this man. Probably part of the issue is that I have always been more into him than he to me (except at the very beginning of this whirlwind) and I’ve not been shy about saying so or showing it. People need that intrigue factor and he’s kept up mine by being super evasive and never 100% committal. I feel like since he knew he had me he’s not wanted me but has been stuck with me. I’m a burden on him. And I still have to muster up some sexy-time desire tonight — fuck (no pun)!!
I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.
I know he won’t kick me out and he’ll keep pretending for me for now, okay I think this because it has apparently been what he has been doing but he did just get honest about that so FREAKING OUT. He does love me but I think not in an in love with and want to spend life with and more in a pitiful feeling sorry for me way.

Another interlude.
Asked for clarification – I know how much more clear can he be – and he says that he wants to be with me but knows it’d be healthier if he pursued life as an individual to learn to be good with himself and grow that way. I call bullshit. He was doing just that when I met him and had been for a few years at least and he is very sure of himself. People can grow individually in a relationship and I said as much and he agreed and pretty much said he just needed to be able to do his alone time stuff without all the suspicion from me. He will sit in his car for hours and according to him listen to music and podcasts. I’ve done it with him and he fell asleep which he says is often the case. And he won’t stay parked in our parking area for our apartment he goes to Wal-Mart or various parking areas or he’ll say he’s eating at Subway right by this hotel and be there for over an hour. I’d think if he wanted to listen to his tunes or whatnot it would be just as feasible to do here and especially not in suspect places.
I’ve been worried he’s been picking up hookers since well he picked me up when I was one and his suspicious behavior since… always, I’m realizing this has been since we moved into our apartment in August 2016 after 3 months in hotels (where he was all about me and courting me and unsure of my feelings) that he gave me reason to question what he was doing. I do have to admit a lot of my “gut feelings” likely had to do with the methamphetamine coursing non-stop through my system for the first year but when I was sober before….then he got caught talking to another woman behind my back about admittedly inappropriate stuff….so maybe it was more reality cause it was him who made me feel like I was gone-crazy and that was why I had found stuff while snooping or heard things that I’d recorded. Okay stopping this rabbit hole that I’m starting to go down.
I’ll come back to that eventually but can’t handle too much reality and honesty right now.
Hopefully I will forget it and not concern myself with worrying over the patterns of behavior yet I should probably open my eyes a bit and quit pretending like he’s been so perfect and great to me. I love him, I do adore him, I just know that I’m no crazy person and the dots connect when I’m sober too.
So back to… oh right we had a conversation and he made it clear he hadn’t said he didn’t want to be with me now but the healthy aspect was a FACT. Oh well. I’m suddenly not so concerned with that. Other than believing that he has a person he is hiding in his life who is likely to be female more strongly, his statement is not news if I’m being honest with myself. Also he likes to throw around things like that when I’m starting to feel comfortable in our relationship and getting back on my feet. He did remind me that a couple years ago he was done but couldn’t just see me with nowhere to go and leave me like that. So there is that pity I was talking about.
Damn, I’m just continually getting off track now since I’m feeling emotionally flustered and upset. My bad!
We talked.
He got me to shower with him.
We got freaky.
And then he admits to the porn, kinda. I can legit see what he’s looked at and watched and he’s holding back some important info. Like the teen aspect. Um not cool. He even thinks a story line about a guy faking out chicks with an acting gig to get a “porn star” to fuck on camera is something real rather than a planned and acted out set up… so teens? Does he believe they’re not 18 (which yes, I know they are) cause that would be gross. He had some story for why he looked up the porn to begin with and it sounded like bullshit too.
Ugh.
Ugh.
ugh.
I’m wishing I had just stayed asleep and not opened my computer up today.
Life on life’s terms right?
And if I didn’t want to know what he’s actually up to I could just not look. Can’t really be upset when I don’t like what I see, as much as I wish I’d find something romantic planned for us I’m not an idiot, there is a reason I’m even taking the time to look.
Funny he has told me that “of course I will find something if I snoop” but that shouldn’t be the case. If he snooped my shit he’d find nothing that would make him wonder what I was doing.
Ai yai yai.
I really wanted to enjoy tonight but alas revelations have soured my stomach and made the amazing lovemaking we had shared tonight feel really hollow.
I want to slap myself and remind me that my focus needs to stay focused because this nonsense of his is what got me back on this path when I’d been doing so well to avoid the shit. I’m feeling the emotions this time and they’re uncomfortable and my brain won’t stop whirring with the worst scenarios.

Thanks for listening to me. I needed someone to just hear me, I think. I feel like I shutdown the roller coaster ride I started on pretty well and sharing it helped. So this blog may just do as I hoped in helping me to have an outlet to help me stay sober through stressful stuff and just life while feeling and figuring out my emotions.
I almost want to save this as a draft and retype my post but this is part of the process, for me anyway, being honest out loud about my life.
I think the emotional wave is ebbing cause I’m feeling quite sleepy now.
Off to peaceful sleep – putting positive thoughts in my head 😉

Namaste.

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12 Comments

  1. errantmoon

    To a stranger on the other side of the world it sounds like you know what’s what, and you should be trusting your own instincts because they’re right…but you should also NOT take advice from internet strangers, but do whatever it is that keeps you and your recovery safe. There are people cheering you on out here.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. mikeykjr

      Relationships – all relations are hard to deal with in early sobriety. For me it was because I didn’t know how to feel, seriously. I came to realize I drank because I didn’t like myself; I didn’t want to deal with my feelings and alcohol numbed those feelings. But did it really? No, any problems were still there the next day. The lying to myself and others, the cheating (only telling half truths), the stealing and manipulation to get what I wanted,when I wanted out of the relationship was what was really going on. For me, and I believe the partner is displaying the same thoughts based on what was described, I had to take time out for myself. I didn’t know who I was, what I was, where I was going with my own life nor what I wanted for anyone or anything. This sobriety thing was all new to me. We talk about getting rid of selfishness and self-centeredness. However, taking care of yourself, first and foremost, is one of the most important things keeping me sober today. My sobriety is the most important thing because without it, nothing else would be possible. I have also expressed to others, based on my experience and the experience of others, take a break. Learn to take care of yourself for now. If and when you are ready to get back into the relationship, if the person you are involved with sees your commitment to your sobriety and they have taken care of themselves, then start work on the relationship. There are fears we all experience – loneliness, fear of not getting back together, fear of them slipping away completely, abandonment, etc. Many of us go through these experiences. But it wasn’t until I knew more about myself, who I was, where I wanted to go and do in life, having a solid foundation in my own sobriety that I could deal with the relationships I had with other people. Even in my own sobriety, I failed sometimes. But I had to look at my part in it and moved on if it was necessary. To be honest, nothing of this really matters right now. Think of it this way, you’re being honest with yourself and you’re actually feeling these things, not numbing them with a substance. That in itself is a HUGE accomplishment. Be proud of yourself for realizing all of it. Perhaps later in sobriety is the best time to deal with your relationships. Take time out for yourself.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. lackadaisicalwhimsy

        I think relationships are hard to deal with at any point in life; while true more stress just compounds issues and can overwhelm, relationships are hard work and compromise even in the best of times. I may not enjoy feeling negative or uncomfortable emotions and hurt but I definitely know how I feel. I am unmotivated and pretty blah on the regular right now and welcome some rapid firing synapses, just preferably happy and positive connections.
        That is hard when you don’t like yourself. I can remember experiencing that emptiness, that hole that you can only complete but loving yourself, and I tried to pack it full of anything and everything that altered my thinking and lit up those pleasure centers. It took me hitting rock bottom to figure out the problem and realize the fix. For a while that didn’t mean quitting though; I thrived on that confidence boost I got from using, but I am a happy and WHOLE person who loves myself always now.
        I text Alex today after he’d said something this morning about me taking my insecurity out on him and I let him know that … here this is what I sent:
        “I hate this. Can we be on the same team please?”
        An hour later no response so:
        “Hey mister! You’re welcome.”
        Him: “So are you@ ! :)”
        Later cause I was still pissed about him calling me insecure:
        “Migraine.
        Other than that I’m rad!
        I mean me as a person, I’m kick ass.
        I’m not insecure about me.
        You’re the only on of us who doesn’t think I’m worth putting the effort in.”
        See he does know himself well and I’ve helped him build his confidence up a bit toward arrogance it seems. He’s got years in sobriety but as he well admits we’re both still sick, even sober he knows when he is still spiritually ill. And I know our relationship is toxic in a lot of ways because of the cracked foundation we built on to start. I know that if he wants to participate in creating a healthy relationship we’ve got the backbone to withstand any fight and we’re incredibly compatible personalities so I’m ready to put in the work for us. I’m an Aries and he’s a Taurus so we’ve got two strong wills and a lot of passion. I’ve just made peace with embarrassment and shame and I’m able to humble myself and admit and own my bullshit whereas he’s holding onto that insecurity in their vulnerability and putting himself out there enough to get burned. So he plays stupid games and I am learning how to accommodate his huge fragile ego/heart.
        And if we’re supposed to part ways we will. I’m not in any place mentally to go through a break up right now but I don’t think anyone is ever in a good place for a break up, they suck even when you’re the one who wants out. I’m queasy about the idea of being alone but I know I could do it and like everything in life I’d get used to it and comfortable. After my ex abducted my kids and my whole world spun out of orbit I now know I can and will get through anything life throws at me. Life is what we make of it.
        Thanks for all the kind words and I really appreciate your candor.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. lackadaisicalwhimsy

    Thank you.
    I’ve been told I’m crazy and it is all in my head for so long that I feel like I don’t know which way is up for sure.
    I think your advice is rather on point, internet stranger, and I greatly appreciate it. I realize that I know a lot more than what I am admitting to myself. I can’t sleep tonight because I realized some things that are going on right under my nose. I feel like a complete fool.
    I definitely need the support.
    I’m going to go for another day sober today.
    Yesterday was hard and I didn’t have this turmoil.

    Like

    1. mikeykjr

      We were all insane/crazy, “doing the same thing over and over expecting the same results” when we started our journeys. As time passes, slowly day by day, our sanity returns “if we follow certain Steps” (<—sorry for the plug). I look forward to future posts and your progress.

      The Internet Stranger 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. errantmoon

    Needing human things (support, love, comfort) isn’t foolish, if you’re let down and treated badly, that’s on them not you. I haven’t heard you beat yourself up about past decisions, because Past You was doing the best she could with what she’d got, the same applies right now…you’re staying safe and sober, those are big enough goals for right now.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. lackadaisicalwhimsy

      Your kind words are greatly appreciated and are helpful in getting my head back up a little higher.
      Just struggling through.
      Desperately, barely, keeping myself sober with all the madness running amok in my head.
      I don’t want to escape the emotions or pain of reality I just don’t want to keep being so lacking in energy and sex drive because I’m totally secure in myself but not with his wandering eye.
      Thanks for your comments, they are real saves for my days!

      Like

      1. errantmoon

        I am a firm believer in fighting ONE battle at a time, try to do more than that and you risk losing them all. Usually the tough bit is deciding what is your top priority, but it seems to me that your sobriety is the foundation of everything else you want to achieve, and you’re already working hard to win that one 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. lackadaisicalwhimsy

        Sobriety is definitely my focus. My relationship will work out how it’s suppose to and I’m going to be good no matter the outcome. It is a big part of my life so it will affect me but I’m trying to get better about thinking things and situations through before reacting emotionally and mentally pausing before getting riled up. So far so good!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. ark esp

    excellent points altogether, you simply gained a brand new reader. What may you recommend in regards to your put up that you just made a few days ago? Any certain?

    Like

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