Posted in liFe on liFe's TerMs, recovery

0.19 – toxicity is in the air.

Eeeek!
8 days I have let lapse without an update anywhere.
My bad! Have faith I will get better the more sober I get.
I am still sober.
I feel like I’ve lost my creative thinking part of my brain. My brain feels a bit mushy the past week.
I almost picked up today. If it hadn’t been for overtime at work I might have. I’m struggling to feel awake and motivated. I do great at work but just in life outside of work I’m blah.

My boyfriend has been looking at porn chicks – not porn videos but the actual chicks and something about dating… 😦 – so I’m feeling not so awesome about my lack of ANY sex drive. I’m going to try my best to at least fake the funk and get intimate tonight. I still feel like he’s doing something treacherous and I’ve been sleeping while he’s been off doing whatever with his location turned off so I’m in the dark. Snooping only gets you so far when you’re trying to be as unsnoopy while snooping by just checking his accounts and not putting something on his phone to give me all the info. I’m trying to stay away from it all together but like quitting drugs its a process and I’m making good baby steps. I went all week without even checking ANYTHING so I wasn’t even doing that while I’ve been MIA!!

So I took a short interlude to chat with my Riley and my mister on the phone. Ri needed to do homework so it was a short and sweet conversation. Alex is sitting at the laundromat (he went after me which was weird but …. yeah) and we got to chatting about things. It came about that I felt sometimes that I am holding him back with my fucking up and still struggling with addiction self and that I feel selfish, sometimes, for not letting him go. Well I wasn’t looking for reassurance of him wanting to be with me, I was being honest and wanted to know his take. I no longer like that I did that. He feels that it would be healthier for us both if we split. DAMN IT! Let me be completely honest, I knew that was how he felt I just didn’t like the confirmation. We’ve been together three years and I want a lifetime with him but he’s been carrying me this entire time and I’ve just failed over and over. I suspect there may be someone else but that also might be me trying to make myself feel better that it isn’t ME when in fact it is me.
The last thing I can handle right now is a break up. I have no place to go and not enough money to live. I’d not be able to have Riley every weekend because I’d be living in my car… And I adore this man. Probably part of the issue is that I have always been more into him than he to me (except at the very beginning of this whirlwind) and I’ve not been shy about saying so or showing it. People need that intrigue factor and he’s kept up mine by being super evasive and never 100% committal. I feel like since he knew he had me he’s not wanted me but has been stuck with me. I’m a burden on him. And I still have to muster up some sexy-time desire tonight — fuck (no pun)!!
I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.
I know he won’t kick me out and he’ll keep pretending for me for now, okay I think this because it has apparently been what he has been doing but he did just get honest about that so FREAKING OUT. He does love me but I think not in an in love with and want to spend life with and more in a pitiful feeling sorry for me way.

Another interlude.
Asked for clarification – I know how much more clear can he be – and he says that he wants to be with me but knows it’d be healthier if he pursued life as an individual to learn to be good with himself and grow that way. I call bullshit. He was doing just that when I met him and had been for a few years at least and he is very sure of himself. People can grow individually in a relationship and I said as much and he agreed and pretty much said he just needed to be able to do his alone time stuff without all the suspicion from me. He will sit in his car for hours and according to him listen to music and podcasts. I’ve done it with him and he fell asleep which he says is often the case. And he won’t stay parked in our parking area for our apartment he goes to Wal-Mart or various parking areas or he’ll say he’s eating at Subway right by this hotel and be there for over an hour. I’d think if he wanted to listen to his tunes or whatnot it would be just as feasible to do here and especially not in suspect places.
I’ve been worried he’s been picking up hookers since well he picked me up when I was one and his suspicious behavior since… always, I’m realizing this has been since we moved into our apartment in August 2016 after 3 months in hotels (where he was all about me and courting me and unsure of my feelings) that he gave me reason to question what he was doing. I do have to admit a lot of my “gut feelings” likely had to do with the methamphetamine coursing non-stop through my system for the first year but when I was sober before….then he got caught talking to another woman behind my back about admittedly inappropriate stuff….so maybe it was more reality cause it was him who made me feel like I was gone-crazy and that was why I had found stuff while snooping or heard things that I’d recorded. Okay stopping this rabbit hole that I’m starting to go down.
I’ll come back to that eventually but can’t handle too much reality and honesty right now.
Hopefully I will forget it and not concern myself with worrying over the patterns of behavior yet I should probably open my eyes a bit and quit pretending like he’s been so perfect and great to me. I love him, I do adore him, I just know that I’m no crazy person and the dots connect when I’m sober too.
So back to… oh right we had a conversation and he made it clear he hadn’t said he didn’t want to be with me now but the healthy aspect was a FACT. Oh well. I’m suddenly not so concerned with that. Other than believing that he has a person he is hiding in his life who is likely to be female more strongly, his statement is not news if I’m being honest with myself. Also he likes to throw around things like that when I’m starting to feel comfortable in our relationship and getting back on my feet. He did remind me that a couple years ago he was done but couldn’t just see me with nowhere to go and leave me like that. So there is that pity I was talking about.
Damn, I’m just continually getting off track now since I’m feeling emotionally flustered and upset. My bad!
We talked.
He got me to shower with him.
We got freaky.
And then he admits to the porn, kinda. I can legit see what he’s looked at and watched and he’s holding back some important info. Like the teen aspect. Um not cool. He even thinks a story line about a guy faking out chicks with an acting gig to get a “porn star” to fuck on camera is something real rather than a planned and acted out set up… so teens? Does he believe they’re not 18 (which yes, I know they are) cause that would be gross. He had some story for why he looked up the porn to begin with and it sounded like bullshit too.
Ugh.
Ugh.
ugh.
I’m wishing I had just stayed asleep and not opened my computer up today.
Life on life’s terms right?
And if I didn’t want to know what he’s actually up to I could just not look. Can’t really be upset when I don’t like what I see, as much as I wish I’d find something romantic planned for us I’m not an idiot, there is a reason I’m even taking the time to look.
Funny he has told me that “of course I will find something if I snoop” but that shouldn’t be the case. If he snooped my shit he’d find nothing that would make him wonder what I was doing.
Ai yai yai.
I really wanted to enjoy tonight but alas revelations have soured my stomach and made the amazing lovemaking we had shared tonight feel really hollow.
I want to slap myself and remind me that my focus needs to stay focused because this nonsense of his is what got me back on this path when I’d been doing so well to avoid the shit. I’m feeling the emotions this time and they’re uncomfortable and my brain won’t stop whirring with the worst scenarios.

Thanks for listening to me. I needed someone to just hear me, I think. I feel like I shutdown the roller coaster ride I started on pretty well and sharing it helped. So this blog may just do as I hoped in helping me to have an outlet to help me stay sober through stressful stuff and just life while feeling and figuring out my emotions.
I almost want to save this as a draft and retype my post but this is part of the process, for me anyway, being honest out loud about my life.
I think the emotional wave is ebbing cause I’m feeling quite sleepy now.
Off to peaceful sleep – putting positive thoughts in my head 😉

Namaste.

Author:

i'm happiLy me in spite of my circumstances underestimate me, please -this'll be fun i've got no time for playing games so be real or leave me be 1 + 1 + 1 [+ ¿1?] makes us and we is all I need (+ auntie Aj)

12 thoughts on “0.19 – toxicity is in the air.

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