0.10 – perSevering with Sobriety

It coursing through my system just gives me a constant buzz of energy flowing throughout my body and engulfs me like a big fluffy comforter but for my whole being.

I’m not anxious. I’m not upset with anyone or anything in life. I don’t need my feelings appeased.

I feel fine.

That home feeling you get when you are wrapped in your blankets just right, especially when you’ve out-snoozed your alarm and have precious moments left in your cocoon – that! that is it, I feel like that when meth is in my system. It isn’t getting high, though, getting high is euphoria and hyperactivity, racing heart and intense focus, mind-alteration and I have no desire for any of that. It is just that first hit when the chemicals mix into the bloodstream COMFORT I feel is what I crave.

But I’m not uncomfortable and not not comfortable nor ill at ease. I feel fine. I don’t feel up or down I feel even.

I’m not craving the rush, that just makes me feel sick anymore. I don’t want the high or enjoy the feeling if I even get much of one. I think I only continue the binge because I have it at that point but I cannot wait to be out of it. Now whenever I relapse I overdo each smoke so it makes me feel sick so maybe that will be a deterrent. Then it’s just headaches and regret. I feel empty and then I sleep. I hate using. The idea of using is stomach turning.

I don’t feel lacking of happiness or feeling any more than I always do on my medications.

I get the urge to pick up for…nothing I don’t want to and there is no benefit in using for me.

In my 20s I had an alcoholic phase of about 6 months where I would drink six tall cans a night during shows before/during bed. The mere idea of giving up alcohol made me break out in a cold sweat; I needed the intoxication it was my safety blanket and vacation from reality, the buzz, the drunk, the high part. I was insecure stressed overwhelmed, I had some excuses for what I was escaping from my thoughts, my anxiety, my unhappiness. I can understand my trouble quitting that habit because I wanted the effects still. Admittedly I just kinda walked away from ever drinking again when I started using meth and heroin I just lost any desire. Thankfully that has rolled over into an aversion to alcohol after kicking the drugs.

To quit pain pills I went chasing the dragon instead. Replaced not recovered from.

Heroin I cut back using when Alex and I first got together and he asked me to and after a while felt it was pointless to pay to nod off. I’d gone full blown meth addict I needed the fast life not the lolling floatation through oblivion.

I don’t want meth. I don’t want the high. I don’t want the repercussions.

Once I start getting natural energy back after my weeklong plus hibernation period after the previous relapse and the last of the battery acid is leaving my body I get a strong pull to pick up. I realize in the past 5 months I’ve created the habit of one week on three weeks off with occasional three dayers so it is somewhat just breaking a habit but I can do that I’ve been shopping as an alternative.

That pull is still there for why? No benefit, no desire, completely unwanted actually. So why do I want to relapse? I really don’t want to but I do.

Last time I relapsed I have no idea why the idea popped in my head. I didn’t want to get high. I didn’t want to use. I had a full out-loud discussion as I drove around town picking up necessities to pick up/use about not wanting to, not having a reason to, feeling happy and satisfied sober. I didn’t even have an argument for why I was continuing my pursuit and of what I was pursuing I was at a loss. I cried like a bitch when I accepted that I wasn’t going to wait a day, a fucking day! to relapse so I could take a clean UA that I needed for custody stuff with Hope, a fucking day. I felt like a fool, I was being a fool on a fool’s errand making foolish choices.

I took that first hit in the parking lot I met my guy in, it was urgent feeling and I still didn’t know what for. And I felt that buzz as the chemicals mingled with my bloodstream and that was it. I’d replaced what my body was apparently lacking. That home feeling, I have finally realized, is my body’s physical addiction to methamphetamine being fulfilled. I feel present, no not present, not mental but complete or whole, normal.

So now I figured out the what and the why of this seeming compulsion that I couldn’t mentally overcome: I’ve gone and gotten myself physically dependent on methamphetamine by continuing to relapse the past 5 months away. It is a different can of worms it seems because it is a driving force that I don’t have the correct weaponry to battle let alone overcome. Been here before and will get through it this time around too.

I’m struggling right now on sheer will and so thankful that Riley is over for the weekend so that takes away my ability to pick up.

Off to figure out putting the kibosh on cravings from physical dependence.

I feel like a shell of me, empty, or missing a component. Wonder if I’m not getting the flu after all.

self control is strength
right thought is mastery
calmness is power
peace be still

6 Comments

  1. errantmoon

    I don’t wanna get preachy, because I really hate sanctimonious people, but it is possible to fear good things happening as well as bad. The fear that you’re not worth a good and meaningful life is brutal and cruel. I really hope you get through the physical dependency you’re feeling, I know there’s nothing I can do to help, but I would if I could 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. mikeykjr

    What you are going through is completely normal. When I stopped drinking (alcohol was my drug of choice), I didn’t know how to feel. Neither did I know who I was, where I was going in life or what to do. All I knew is I missed my “best friend” alcohol because it took the “uncomfortable” feeling away, even if just for a short time. It is simply who were are as addicts to think that way.

    I, as a member of AA, have learned not to live in our past – its written, set in stone and can’t be changed. What we can change is what WE do today. I say a prayer and post recovery readings to my blog first thing in the morning. Then I plan out my day. What do I need to do to stay sober – TODAY.

    As months have rolled by, the uncomfotable feeling of “not knowning” has slowly gone away. I look towards what I’m grateful for each day. One, being alive. Even with alcohol, I could have died. I didn’t, this time but if I go back I could be. Today I don’t want that to happen. Two, I’m grateful to be sober/clean because if not, I’m living in an illusionary world where one thing happened – always bad things, period. Lastly, I’m grateful for the other recovered people in AA or NA for teaching me their principles and showing me recovery is possible.

    I’m been in sobriety before (ten years of sobriety) but walked away from it all last year. For me, I knew what I was doing and where I was going but my decision was made long before I picked up the drink. Not longer am I beating myself up over my past. Today is a new page in my life. I choose to stay sober, learn how to feel again – loving myself and others and enjoying what life has to offer.

    Not all days are “peaches and cream”. We all have our good days and bad days. For me its what I do with those feelings where either I stay suck in my past, not moving forward or concentrate on changing myself, even it is something small, just today to move myself forward in life.

    We can do this. Relapse does not have to happen. What are you honestly grateful for today? Think about it, write about it, then see if you feel differently.

    I hope this helps.
    MK

    Liked by 1 person

    1. lackadaisicalwhimsy

      Thank you for your comment and support.
      For me relapse has had to happen and I needed to be humbled to my addiction by it. It has always been so easy for me to quit whatever I’m using when I decide to I felt I had my shit on lock.
      I got off easy the last time I got clean – I didn’t have cravings and I got through the physical withdrawal in jail so I didn’t have the option to use.
      The past 5 months I’ve been putting myself through hell with the up and down rollercoaster and I’m so done. This whole being physically addicted and not just having to fight the battle with myself to want to quit but I have to fight my body feeling like it needs those chemicals to function properly. And of course that doesn’t just mean my physical being, being dependent on methamphetamine to make it go forth and be but my brain chemistry is so out of whack right now.. .
      It is what it is though I’m where I am and I can’t change what has happened only what will from here on. Every time I relapse I’m miserable too.
      This too shall pass.
      Again thanks for the support!

      Liked by 1 person

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