What I did out of habit that I have been working on is that when I was telling you a made up story about a person I imagined and then described the actions I had him portray and thus him in a a negative light as a non-mojo sharer so that I would feel better about myself for then sharing with you my “secret” to how I got my mojo. Ya know cause I’m way better than the people I make up. And since I’m telling you about all this self confidence I’m feeling no better set up than… coming right out the gate with.. but now I’m telling on myself and everything, so.
Here’s the point and probably not worth all the time I’ve spent jerking you around, but it’s working for me. I’ve mentioned previously, mind you, that I am my best friend. You can’t scan through the post and find it …. too much build up now, it’s just a little thing. Okay okay okay: I corrected my negativity and (fuck I keep having to scroll up to bring me back) oh this is it: I realized I had overcome an insecurity and surpassed my past self in confidence (extra mojo).
Me (again but in my regular voice and I know that is not helpful context )
Really that is probably a weird hang up I have and am projecting because I used to always want to have things that other people had but without doing the work to get it.”
See (I got popcorn a while ago actually) I owned my insecurity about making up a story where I am now the hero in a scenario I made up. The real insecurity I overcame without realizing I had done so was that I used to be a shitty lazy-person. Now I don’t want what other people have because I know it’s not worth it to me to work for it. Put a pin in that for a second.
A couple days ago this was all organic free flowing word mapping (I googled “synonym stream of consciousness” [and see because I didn’t cheat like that before… that’s why it was so rad] and picked the most obviously googled synonym possible so you’d know) but nothing matters anymore beyond how awesome these synonyms are (I’m a word nerd, a real vocabulary slut [Tosh maybe?]):
apostrophe (which I’ve finally come to realize makes sense, and there is a list of synonyms for apostrophe, all in the shade of least relevant words, of course, but all pan out some more circuitous in relation than others. At first I thought, but then… I’m super entertained)
word painting (amazeballs)
mind mapping (just so good still)
train of thought OR chain of thought (such different concepts but they rhyme **actually a train is more similar to a chain on wheels than I had previously conceived)
inner or interior monologue (eh they were there)
free association of ideas (except it read as two concepts and I took away an “association” *mind blown* you’re welcome! [Tosh is narrating and it sounds correct so thinking so]
If you don’t like words you probably weren’t a big fan of mine way before now anyway. If you’re reading this I would like to be pen pals.
Since you’re still here I’ll finish my self-love success in continuing to work my program that I made up but seems to be working for me story. The real insecurity was about my being too lazy to work for things I envied other people having. My fix was to not envy what other people have or want outside of my available income limitations. I don’t know if keeping up the laziness part while overcoming adversity (a stretch yes but we’ve come this far) is a boost to my self esteem or if I should be concerned that I’m contemplating laziness being a constant in my life possibly boosting my self esteem. I embrace my lackadaisical lifestyle and I shower enough so I think I’m good.
I totally made up a scenario to out my insecurity and validate my pushing the importance of self-love on everyone for the next however long it stays interesting to me. There is a lot that actually goes into my “program” I am practicing amidst its creation.
You’re the one who is still here. I don’t care that I am, yep, already having the entirety of this conversation to myself where you respond however I prefer. I narrate in comedians voices and use their intonations and inflections so to me this is all hilarious and brilliant. You’d need the narrators I have to understand but it is true comedy gold.
Now go back and see this all from my perspective. Pretty funny right? With all the correct timing and sarcasm in the right spots, because you knew that I well I was .. really enjoying myself. And you’ll have spent some minutes of your life reading this and likely forget about it shortly thereafter but possibly, nudge nudge, share it to or tell a friend about it or a relative would suffice, whatever works for you, and either way you merely lost some minutes. I spent a whole Sunday laughing my ass off while having made up conversations with imaginary people about real people possibly reading what I write. Only the laughing is out loud so thankfully I spent today at home.
If I didn’t already know it to be true I’d think I’d gone a bit mad, eh?