I am lost. I know what not to do but stopping myself is difficult. I realize I should be reminding myself of all the reasons NOT to pick up: my kids, my health, because its a drug that is not good for my mind or my body, mainly my kids!!!, keeping my promises, being able to be honest about everything with the people in my life that mean so much to me, there is more I know but those are what I can come up with at the moment. It’s especially hard to think of reasons not to with the devil snickering at my reasons on my shoulder, no angel for me it seems. I know that is a choice not to hear my conscience as it is always there and I’m choosing to ignore the good voice.
It really matters to be ready to be ready to quit. I swear I am but I feel like I am still going to use and planning my relapses – maybe that is normal but when I quit before and it stuck for a decent amount of time I didn’t have that. I didn’t even crave it I was just done, I want that back!! So I’m going to take this a different way and just accept that it is part of quitting a intensely addictive drug like methamphetamine. I SO love being high and I went and relapsed and kept getting high every couple weeks and then I just finished a ten day binge so I have to realize that I am going to struggle, last time was a blessing but it didn’t stick anyway right? I believe my excuse for relapse was legit – did I tell it already? I know excuses are like assholes, everybody’s got one – especially for relapses. But here might as well share since I’m trying to give a clear picture of my life during, after, and in between active addiction.
excuse reason (I take accountability for my relapse not trying to justify it just clarify what led up to it so not excusing my relapse): I hadn’t felt the overwhelmingly shitty emotions that I felt in October 2018 within my time sober and the way I had handled bad shit in my life was to numb myself by getting high so I made an inexcusably idiotic choice to relapse to run from feeling.
Let me explain: I didn’t know how to handle the betrayal I felt when I found out my boyfriend was talking to a female behind my back and actively hiding it while nightly going to the casino where he’d met her with his maps timeline saying he had been there for a whole 5 minutes but hadn’t stayed but had instead turned off his location (or was driving in a perfectly straight line for hours).
(Yeah I will accept that I am overbearing a bit by asking to see his timeline but he was lying to me AND I don’t believe there should be secrets in a relationship. I justify my nosiness and stand by my right to be so with someone I’ve been with for 3 years and is acting shady [he was making his deception painfully apparent]. And as I’ll explain in the stories of my addiction part of my blog, not by any means as out of line as I now realize my spywareing his phone was…yeah I’m not proud of myself as I once was for my snooping [while high mind you, yeah excuses, I know!] but I learned a lot from it – like not to do it again which I’ve successfully failed at along the way a bit…lots to explain but not here.)
((Another side note and part of my justification: I’m transparent with him, just so ya know, and he knows my passwords and has unfettered access to my phone and computer.))
Back to the excuse to relapse: He swears that, while my timeline tracks me perfectly and I’m on a cheap network compared to his T-Mobile, it just isn’t accurate. Yeah so more lame lies there. Anyway, he had been regularly texting this female for 4 days when I decided to check (and I’d been sober for a while so I’d stopped any sort of snooping until this really apparent change in behavior) and see what he was hiding. I confronted him about it after asking to, and being allowed, to see his phone and finding out that he was in fact deleting texts and phone calls between him and this female.
(So I can stop beating around the bush, I’m embarrassed is the thing, I checked his phone usage on his phone’s online account where it shows all text messages and phone calls placed and received among other things. I still feel justified but I know it isn’t normal to do thus my reluctance to tell on myself. I feel fine with my admission now – comments of “psycho female” are expected and not discouraged lmao I’d like to hear anyone’s opinion of any of what I share it’s part of why I’m blogging – perspective.)
I asked him about this discrepancy, came right out and told him what I knew and (I had blocked my number and called so I knew the owner of the number being conversated [not a word but you get it] with.) that I knew he had deleted it. I explained that I was feeling really ill-at-ease with what I’d found and would appreciate an explanation of why he was doing these things (talking to another female AND deleting the interactions).
He laughed at me. He said I was all wrong and that he had lent his phone to a coworker (4 days and over 50 texts a day plus long phone calls) and that I was being ridiculous and insecure. He mocked me! He told me, prior to the coworker excuse, that I was going to feel “really stupid” when I found out the truth about this situation and laughed at me some more. THEN, he accused me of being high and paranoid (I wasn’t until the next day – high not paranoid I only get paranoid when I smoke marijuana.) and said my facial expression proved it since I was clenching my jaw with anger that he…fuck explaining his excuse for accusing me he did it to throw me off his actions and he was wrong and had no real reason for his accusation besides being caught in his own bullshit.
It gets worse before it gets better as he continued trying to get away with his indiscretion, it doesn’t really get better at any point actually just an all around shitty situation. He decides he wants to take a drive and discuss it further there once he realized I’m not buying into his bullshit and I’m not budging on my desire to be told the TRUTH about what was going on.
This is where it gets ridiculous – his explanation about these hidden interactions:
So I don’t know why his ex-wife was brought up but for some reason she was and her name is Mary. When I asked what this other females name was, right after whatever discussion was happening to distract me was over, he told me Marilyn. He did say it probably wasn’t her real name, why he thought it wasn’t real unless she was hooker (and that could well be the case being he met her at the casino where they look for johns) ugh that sucks. It makes a lot of sense with how we met – I’ll get to that in stories too, sorry for all of the cliffhangers but it’s all worth the wait, you’ve probably figured out whats what from context anyway ;). So now this “Marilyn” (I can’t not put it in quotes at this point, I even use air quotes when it is talked about) and he met at the casino while he was playing she sat down next to him and he saw she was wearing a lot of jewelry and he was selling some MEN’S GOLD CHAINS that he got from some shady dealing or other so he thought to offer this FEMALE the chains and “went and got them from the car to show her” (I believe that now to mean they went to the car and he got head for $36 dollars [amount explained momentarily haha]) and supposedly brought these MEN’S GOLD CHAINS in for this FEMALE to possibly purchase.
I need to add that he repeatedly kept telling me “I didn’t cheat” although I hadn’t and didn’t ask even once if he had and finally told him that he was making it seem like he was feeling really guilty of cheating by continuing to refute an unasked question.
That explanation happens to get even better a couple days later but after telling me this awesome excuse for why he had gotten her number – to follow up on her buying these – and why they had been in touch – 50 text messages in ONE DAY for her to tell him (must have been repetitively) why she was without the funds to do so but was still planning to; their discussions, according to the caught liar who continued to lie himself into a steaming pile of unbelievable shit, were “about her son, her mother, and her car.”
He also tried to congratulate himself on having brought me up to her because she has a Mercedes that is broke down and I drive a Mercedes but I didn’t care for him talking to her about me anymore than I appreciated his lies.
Now I desperately WANTED to believe that he wasn’t lying to cover his lies and that he was speaking the truth, how I was making this make any sense in my head is beyond me, and nearly believed him – I HAD to believe him for him to NOT BE LYING TO ME! I think it was made worse by how poorly he was lying and that he didn’t put any (and even made his lying more apparent) effort into making his lies believable. Anyway he had pulled the wool over my eyes for the time being and we returned home and had sex (gotta keep him satisfied so he doesn’t go elsewhere to “Marilyn,” right? Yeah, I know I’m pathetic) and went to bed.
Now I had LOTS of questions to followup with the next day. After turning things over in my head and recounting the amount of messages and discovering that he was still in contact with her after saying he would not have anymore contact with her, I was no longer feeling so convinced of the whole MEN’S GOLD CHAINS being attempted to be sold to a FEMALE and that even if it were true there was no necessity for days of multiple phone calls and texts. To top off my suspicion of his fictional recounting of the necessity and substance of this communication he, I swear it hand to GOD, gave me a new explanation of how they met!
Yeah, the next day or the one after that, he came into the living room and announced, very triumphantly, that she had actually offered to sell him an apple watch for, bet you guessed it, 36 dollars (supposedly the remainder of the cash he had on hand is what he offered, my take, again, is that this payment was for a blowjob but I’ll likely never know)!! Now, this was the new way they started the conversation and the new reason for getting her phone number (eventually he melded the two tales together, very crafty eh lmao) was so she could buy back the watch from him and THAT is what they’d been talking about (as well as the MEN’S GOLD CHAINS he put together after a few awkward questions from my befuddled and overwhelmed self yet I now didn’t know what made him think someone hawking their apple watch would want to BUY [men’s] jewelry). So, ON TOP OF already lying to me he threw a hail mary new nonsensical explanation for his having been conversing with this female. He did show me the watch to verify his second story (I now believe she’d dropped it in his car and he’d worried I’d noticed it the night we’d talked) and he seemed to feel pretty good about this new story. My attempt to get answers as to which happened first and how he “saw her wearing a lot of jewelry” when she “sat next to him” made sense when she was willing to part with an expensive-to-my-knowledge watch he now deemed that to have happened after their first meeting. I could very clearly recall him stating he “met her when she was trying to sell her apple watch around the casino” when he announced the scenario…my head was spinning also.
Now, I can think of tons of situations in which he had gotten another females number and been texting and calling her basically nonstop for days, none good, but TONS that would make some sort of sense. I could even come up with the bullshit story that he’d been talking to this person’s boyfriend and they happened to share a phone – I used to share a phone with my exes which he knew so if he’d tried to put any thought into this he’d have realized that would be relatable (google search says it is a word stupid red squiggles) and understandable (if I forgot that he’d been deleting the conversations that is but honestly anything semi-believable sounding would have worked) and would have made me feel like the idiot he’d made me out to be when I confronted him. But, alas no, he made no attempt to make his lies even seem logical. Now truth can be stranger than fiction, I know he reminded me, and the last part of the quote says “fiction has to make sense. Reality of course does not” so there is the possibility of it being true if he hadn’t pulled out the watch story for absolutely no reason as to why they were in contact after it was initially because she was wearing a lot of jewelry when she sat down by him so he was selling her (say it with me!) MEN’S GOLD CHAINS.
If you’re still bearing with this elongated telling of my, probably a bit more understandable, reason behind relapsing, thank you and it gets brilliantly worse for me.
So, less is more, he’s lied, he’s sneaking some sort of relationship (yes I can call it that because they were developing a comfort with each other that wreaks of probably more that I’ll likely never know) with another female behind my back and covering his lies with more lies, I suck at less is more, and then shuts down. He refuses to reiterate things he felt he’d already answered even when I was asking for information that he had not been forthcoming with prior. He watched me cry and blame myself (a tactic I tried that DID NOT work AT ALL) and said he wouldn’t be in contact with her anymore, after he’d already said so and failed to do so once at this point. He was getting angry WITH ME for not just GETTING OVER IT and this little nugget pops up:
Incoming text: “If you don’t message me or call me back I’m going to send you some nudes.”
Check the phone’s usage and low and behold he WAS STILL TEXTING AND CALLING HER.
I decided to take matters into my own hands and call her myself. He tackled me and tried to pry my phone from my hands when he realized what I was doing. He told me that if I called then I would need to find a new living situation. I had to leave an out-of-breath-yelling-at-the-grounded-phone message of my name and to call me back at my number because I was confused as to her communicating with my boyfriend. Now, if he had nothing to hide (yes I get it was very obvious he did) then why all the theatrics of threatening to break up with me rather than just letting me find out from this person that I was being insecure and making an ass of myself. She called back and, for the first time ever, he answered my phone before I could get to it and she hung up. So, I wasn’t giving up – at this point I was already homeless and dumped according to him so I really had nothing to lose – and I took my phone and text messaged her. I’m not good at being sneaky one bit so he figured out my scheme very quickly but I was able to get a few questions in with responses back. Remember, he’d just spooked her by answering my phone and he was cockily proud of that apparent by the smug look on his face.
L: “How do you know [my man’s name]?”
“M”: “Why is that any of your business?”
L: “Well he is my boyfriend and you’re threatening to send him nude pictures of yourself.”
“M”: “I didn’t say that you must have misread it.”
I even stopped to rethink what I’d read and, honest, contemplated if I had misread an easily readable text and made something up in my own head that was false. Thankfully, I caught myself falling into old patterns of uncertainty of my sanity – which he’d made difficult to decipher reality from being duped and sent me to a psych ward when I’d nearly caught him cheating previously (Why stay? Well I’m in love with the asshat which is super important compared to being given any inkling of respect or honesty in return and I have no place to go except my car, I have tried and failed at leaving [being kicked out for a week] because of my lack of money, no affordable housing, and severe disdain for change.) – and reassured myself that I had seen what I had seen and he’d even acknowledged the message as saying so, so my confidence in my knowledge was restored.
L: Huh. Well are you trying to sleep with [my man’s name]?
“M”: “Hell yeah. And I want you too.”
Possible sarcasm, likely, but when I tell my boyfriend what she said she said, “Yes.” Of course that was trying to elicit some honesty and kind of worked actually, a month later though.
L: “Since you know about me then why are you trying to cause problems by getting involved with him?”
“M”: “It’s not your business. I don’t want to continue this. Go spend your time cleaning or cooking something. Haha.”
And I was so stricken by her knowledge of our, as far as I was aware, ONLY issue being my lack of cleaning out our back rooms and my hate of cooking and inability to not burn everything, besides steak but damnit once actually that did happen once as well, I tried to prepare thus my lack of cooking also, that I just politely asked her to not contact my boyfriend further.
“M”: Go clean or cook something and mind ya business. Mind ya business.”
L: Nothing I was so hurt that he’d not only done all of the expressed above BUT HAD ALSO COMPLAINED ABOUT ME AND OUR RELATIONSHIP TO HER.
**I’d like to acknowledge that I know I have some glaring flaws but I do clean the floors and the bathroom/living room/kitchen. I just don’t know how to reduce my clothing any further (I’ve taken over 5 full large garbage bags to Goodwill in the past year with clothes and shoes) and we don’t have shelves or a dresser so clothes are just stacked and the other room I don’t know where to start getting rid of stuff BUT WE HAVEN’T USED THOSE ROOMS IN THE 3 YEARS WE’VE LIVED HERE for anything but storage/closets. I’m also the only one who got rid of the cockroach, ewww, problem and keep up spraying for them. I’d say maybe he was sick of my neediness and him providing for me but at the time of the step-outtance I had gotten my own car, had a job, was paying my half of rent and filling our NOS and black and mild addictions and was SOBER for over a year (with one very short relapse). Just defending myself a little bit after outing my deficiencies as outed by the ever-wonderful and grandly appreciated sweet, sweet “Marilyn.”**
I know and knew 20 minutes later what I should have asked but I’d lost my gall and had to get to an appointment with my treatment provider (monthly one on one sessions).
My boyfriend seeing how deflated the texting had made me PROMISED this time that he wouldn’t call or text her again. While I was at my one on one pouring my open-wound-having heart out to my counselor he had about an hour’s worth of conversation between 3 different calls with her, I was crushed even more so finding that out.
After that she has text once but he blocked her number afterward and as far as I can SEE there has been no continued communication, at least not with that number. I did overhear a conversation between him and his best friend bringing up how surprisingly cheap phones went for at Walmart which he’d denied having knowledge of when I’d brought it up after.
I spent a week down and out and bitching and asking questions that he refused to answer telling me he’d told me everything he was going to tell me and that there was nothing more to tell. I have no doubt in my mind he was confusing himself with his lies and what she, by my account, told me via text the following day (there wasn’t any further texting with her, from me at least, but I pretend) and couldn’t bring himself to get caught in more lies by answering something I asked in contradiction to what he’d already said. He expected me to just drop it and get over it and would just take off, or threaten to, if I didn’t drop it. Also he said sorry and then nearly immediately took it back by justifying his actions as “trying to make some money” numerous times. He was only “sorry” that he’d gotten caught so quickly, and in my hopeful delusional mind I caught him before any sex stuff happened…except that damn parking lot blowy for $36 I’ve mentioned but have not gotten confirmation of it taking place so still holding out hope, lol, not really. So after a week of fruitless prodding I gave up and we moved forward with me not mentioning it any time again soon after.
But see, I was learning “relationship communication ‘tactics'” in my treatment from my counselor. He was pretty much teaching us how to turn negative conversations to the positive by flipping the script on the other person unexpectedly and demonstrated on a distraught daughter of a constantly bitching mother, which failed miserably but sure was entertaining.
So a month later I took what I learned from my counselor and research I’d been doing on the internet and used it on my boyfriend. IT WORKED!!
He confessed that she had been getting the wrong idea (no admittance of fault on his part however) and was making assertions of having sex with him and had been complaining about and telling him she wasn’t having sex with her boyfriend. He admitted he had lied, not about anything specific but more of an “include-it-all” kind of admittance (he has since tried to stand by his stories, contradictory as meeting someone for the first time twice is, and still uses the justification of making money whenever mentioned [it is the cause of everything falling apart not brought up until 2 weeks ago beyond that]). He was apologetic and remorseful and telling me that he fucked up. I just sat there listening letting him say as much as he would say. He said that they’d had inappropriate conversations and that is why he deleted the messages and calls as well as because he knew I wouldn’t like him talking with another female (yeah you may call it insecurity but I call it KNOWLEDGE and EXPERIENCE teaching me nothing good comes from either person in a relationship getting someone of the opposite sex’s [or same sex’s if that is your preference] number and carrying on with said female or male [especially when hiding it]). He then snapped and started cursing me and telling me that I wanted things that he didn’t (none of which was true except marriage but I’ve told him it’s not a must do as I’ve already done it) and what kind of therapy bullshit did I just pull on him. He wasn’t happy with coming clean and he hadn’t even scratched the surface or been satisfyingly, for me, honest or forthcoming. I still just sat there and he went between that mess and apologizing without admitting anymore wrongdoing.
That is where this whole debacle should end right?
But no because I knew he was still not telling me something important and I couldn’t seem to get past it and move on knowing he was still lying to me. I tried. I didn’t bring it up (except to say [air quote] “the Marilyn incident” [air quote] when referring to when things took a shitty turn for us) in the months following (I did ask a couple followup questions that were not well received the following day though which he still holds against being honest with me about certain things) until I get a horrible gut wrenching ache that tells me something isn’t cool with something going on with Maurice. Come to, yes I spied not proud, find out he was talking to “that one from last week” about “moving into the place she gets but she put emphasis on the ‘rent a room’ part like nigga you ain’t moving in WITH me.” Now why was this new female having to CLARIFY that he wasn’t moving in WITH her and WHY WAS SHE OFFERING HIM A PLACE AT ALL WHEN WE HAVE AN APARTMENT?! Also, this brought back the remembrance of the “Marilyn” issue not having been resolved.
So to sum up the newest addition to unknown-to-me females in my boyfriend’s life when I asked him about it he didn’t even bother trying to lie he just refused to answer because I’d gained the knowledge through “espionage” and could just find my answer through further “spy tactics.” I realize its just another lame excuse to avoid truth telling but I get that it is violating to have private information known that you weren’t wishing to be known. And that when backed in a corner people will throw around blame and denials to avoid the actual problem. There is more to that conversation I’ll dive into in stories as well. He did eventually try to say that he didn’t know her and that she was some stranger that was looking for roommates yet where this lacking-truth conversation took place was forgotten by him and no further explanation of any of the particulars were given. “That one from last week” (direct quote) tells of there being previous discussion of said person to the best friend, Aaron – he’ll come up throughout and I don’t want to keep lamely saying best friend [of my boyfriend] so remember who Aaron is!!! Jokes I’ll not leave you wondering but now you know he’s got a name.
So, I tell you about this new girl to segue to provide a rationale for bringing up “Marilyn” again after so long. Firstly, the wound was unable to heal and therefore I wasn’t getting past the issue while desperately trying to “accept the thing I cannot change” and go forward. Secondly, the wound was ripped back to completely open and another was added when I found out there was another hidden interaction with a female and that this one had led to moving-in discussion.
I sent an email about my feelings and those topics were main points within my sharing. I’m not a wuss it’s just that talking with him seemed to be going nowhere fast and it let me get all my desired thoughts out without interruption or dismissal (of course he could stop reading which would kind of be both) by him. I ended up sending emails for a week straight ending just 11 days ago actually and did, along with me hammering my reproach of his continued lies and avoidance of issues he created after he’d read them, bring about some honesty.
He honestly is not going to be honest until he is ready and feels safe to like I wasn’t honest about things (while high) until I was ready (got sober). He feels like it will just give me more to be offended by and I’m guessing he doesn’t want to be the bad guy who did the offense more than he really cares about my feelings being hurt more. I mean in reality postponing and dragging this out further is about the shittiest thing he could do to me – I want it over and done with, I want to get the truth of what he’s been doing and talking about with other females behind my back (why would be nice but not necessary) (he could just come up with good lies at this point really) and then I want to deal with the hurt that may come, or whatever emotions I end up feeling, and move on without another word about it, I don’t even want to ask questions anymore. After typing all that out I’m in a better head space already about it – not okay with his actions by any means – just feeling like I’ve expressed my annoyance and frustration creatively and somewhat wholly so a bit of the burden has been let go.
Okay now that I’ve told you the story of my reason for relapsing I’ll get back to the point of what, from that, caused my relapse. As I had said at the beginning overwhelmingly painful emotions flooded me as I was devastated at finding out for sure that my boyfriend is willing to lie to my face and interact with other females inappropriately seemingly without legitimate remorse. This being the second worst thing to happen to me in life, after my kids getting abducted and my custody being taken which is not comparable whatsoever but is by far the worst thing to occur in my life, and to suffer through the discomfort and distress his betrayal brought me while sober seemed too much to endure (I realize people deal with far worse things sober everyday this is something that, for me, was life-shattering and something I didn’t want to actually face). The disappointment and despair I felt having the person I’d trusted with my life and health and hopes and fears and insecurities, the man I thought of as my best friend and partner in life, knocked from the pedestal I’d created for him and proven to be a lying, manipulative, callous person (and not just toward anyone but regarding ME and our relationship) especially after having been at, what I believed, was a really good place in our relationship when he decided to do this.
All in all I was too much a coward to face life on life’s terms and to actually feel unpleasant emotions so I pitifully ran away to avoid reality. And until now I was just perpetuating my eluding dealing with reality by every couple weeks picking back up for a few days since October 19th 2018 when I relapsed because I was copping-out of the hard parts of living.
I don’t blame him for my relapse, my new resentments however he does get credit for and is the star of!
Relapsing, though, was a choice I made knowing, and apparently accepting, the repercussions of doing so and a decision to stay stuck in denial and evade accepting reality. The amelioration I’d achieved in my sobriety didn’t hold a candle to my deviously duplicitous addict mentality I have demonstrated. This time around I want to work for/on and develop/achieve strength of character, true grit, perseverance, strength of mind, and the ability to live life on life’s terms.
After some research I’ve realized that the above
This blog is definitely beneficial to my continued sobriety.
My boyfriend is a good guy and, as you will come to see in stories, he’s dealt with A LOT of bullshit and stuck by me in some of the most impossible situations. I’m not condoning the aforementioned behavior but he’s the reason I’m alive and able to get sober today. I’m sharing my life and in turn his life but all through my point of view; just don’t forget that there is another side to every story.