Day 3 – floundering

My brain is mush, I can’t seem to form full thoughts.
All I want to do is sleep and eat and eat and eat and eat.
Part of what gets me back to using is gaining weight. I hate gaining weight. I love being thin! Do I eat healthy to maintain my preferred figure? Of course not! I eat garbage and when I’m getting high the meth metabolism takes care of that – although not loving the current skinny-fat I’m experiencing instead of just skinny – and I rarely eat while I’m high, or much when I’m sober for that matter. But when I first get sober I eat a ton and pack on the pounds. I love the taste of food, I don’t get hungry much so I’m just eating to enjoy tasting food and currently I’m craving Hotpockets! HORRIBLE for me! So tasty though.
You’d think that I would eat healthily since I am consciously aware of what happens when I don’t. But NO! I am also incredibly lazy and want instant gratification AND I am not good at nor do I enjoy cooking! It is worse than that though since my boyfriend often cooks and offers me good healthy foods I should be taking advantage of that but NOPE. While yes I accept and eat what he offers when I’m sober I continue to indulge in my meth-diet (daily a six-pack of Hostess Crunch Donettes, 3 NOS, and lately 2+ Hotpockets) so I’m not benefiting my waistline any in doing so. Stop eating the shitty stuff right?! Tomorrow…I’ll try that tomorrow.

I am awesome tomorrow. My tomorrow me has all her shit together and makes smart choices. She sticks with my plans made today while I’m, usually, partaking in the opposite as I make them. I want to be tomorrow me! Without any effort made or any sacrifice of immediate satisfaction on my part of course. Lackadaisical – do you see!?
I say all this and think to myself, “well at least I’m honest about it. That makes it all okay, I’m not lying to myself or anybody else.” Does it though? I want and even expect things to just BE in my life without any effort on my part. That doesn’t make me a good partner or mom, it kind of makes me a selfish asshole. So this blog is something I’m doing to put effort into my sobriety this time, doing something every day to keep me accountable.

I don’t want to be sober! Honestly, I like being high. If I didn’t HAVE to be sober in order to pass UAs and complete treatment (well I guess I’ve shown I can do that high just fine but could screw it up by doing it that way) so that I can have my kids back I wouldn’t be. I am actually motivated to do things when I’m high. I suck sober. With all the consequences I have faced from getting high (well from people finding out I was getting high) I want to want to be sober and get my life right. But, fuck, I want to do life high, I like it so much better high. If my brain weren’t so slow I’d be able to explain this better but my thoughts are slurred.

I’ll try again tomorrow.

Maybe later today.

Now I just want to go back to sleep and forget.

TaTaForNow.

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