Day 1 – ready or not.

So grateful for having work to go to today because I would have been struggling to not go pick up and once again postpone the inevitable if I had been sitting around the house. I didn’t want to leave work, really, I was enjoying being productive and keeping myself busy.

I didn’t even crave getting high so much as I was missing it in my break routine. I’ve worked at this place for one week and one day and, yes, I created a routine on my breaks that involved smoking meth at this brand new temporary job that I can’t afford to lose. I have a serious problem. If I had gotten caught that would have cost me utilizing the agency I work through, as well as this job that I find enjoyable, and likely would have involved the police.

The choices I make when using are so oblivious of consequences and just plain idiotic, almost as though I’m trying or wanting to get caught. The choices I make sober to get high are going to kill me. I was ODing myself on meth over the past few days to finish the shit that I bought at the beginning of this week to postpone quitting Monday, so that I could quit by today ((I am incapable of “wasting” drugs by flushing them even when I want to apparently)). I was smoking myself exhausted and thankfully didn’t cause myself to pass out at work.

So I made it through the day portion of Day 1 and my night is uneventful and safe. I’m flat broke, well I have a few bucks I could pry off of my debit card, so that is a potential bad path of picking up a little something if my night doesn’t go according to plan. ((Negative thinking brings about negativity. I need to NOT give myself excuses for and/or PLAN to relapse.))

The issue: My ex is suppose to be dropping off my eldest daughter for the weekend, she’s suppose to be here every weekend, but last weekend he kept her and didn’t tell me ahead of time what was up so I am nervous that tonight could be a repeat. We have a parenting plan through the court but don’t abide by it and have verbally (awaiting him signing the new parenting plan) agreed to my having weekends him having weekdays for her schedule. He is an addict/alcoholic and has been sober almost 2 years and is, rightfully so I know, skeptical of my continued sobriety ((I was doing good for a while and relapsed in October and continued using off and on until today since then)) but also snubs his nose at anyone struggling with using even after being a degenerate and absent from our daughter’s life for nearly ten years. He knows he has all the power right now, though, because I’m behind on the old parenting plan stipulations for my custody to be restored and she’s suppose to live with my grandparents per the court until she’s back with me but they gave her to him so it’s a cluster fuck. He agreed she’d be here when I talked to him last week but is not responding to my text or answering my calls all week. I hate this and I caused all of it by using drugs and making poor decisions for the past few years. Now I am just fucking myself by using and making my situation with seeing my girls even more difficult than it already is dealing with my exes wanting to punish me.
UPDATE: ***Hooray for the ASS! being me in assuming the worst and this ASS! is happily chillin’ with my daughter while she chats with her friends online. More good news: exhubby is willing to look over the plan I sent him and we are on good terms and in agreement to co-parent and work together. So no negativity tonight or any excuse I may have tried to use to go out and make poor decisions.***

Oh yeah that reason why I need to be sober NOW is because I should STILL be sober now. I relapsed in October, it was my third relapse since getting sober in April 2017, and I am just now making it out of the meth clouds to get my head back on straight. I fell off big time and didn’t even see what was happening. I was still quoting how I fell off for a couple months to myself yesterday. Delusional much, I think so. I thought I had this shit on lock and told myself I was just using for a few days here and there, controlled, purposeful, not addicted just getting high every once in a while… Addicts are manipulative little bullshitters, am I right? Well keeping it about me, I am for sure. I’ve been throwing my life away again and have no one to blame for whatever consequences arise besides me damn self! Oh for fucksticks sakes this is just one day, day one of digging myself out of the hole I’ve been digging behind my own back!

I’m 6 months into a year’s worth of outpatient treatment that was put as a stipulation for my visitations with my youngest daughter and I also incorporated it into the plan with my oldest as well to appease the exes need for me to jump through hoops like he had to. I’m in compliance and all my UAs have come back negative for drugs/alcohol. I’ve been faking the funk for months and cannot wait to go give a real clean UA next week, well maybe the week after I don’t want to push my luck and come back dirty because I didn’t wait long enough after using – failed UA means restarting treatment also. In my research I’ve found that it can take anywhere from 2 to 10 days for methamphetamine to leave a person’s system/be undetectable in urine. I’ve tested the theory, at a different facility than where I attend treatment, at $50 per UA – through some trial and error – with the most recent failed UA being after 5 full days of no use. I’ve wasted a lot of money and created evidence of my relapses by hoping for the best and knowing better which is just stupid and another way using is negatively impacting my life.

Insanity: ME doing the same thing, using methamphetamine [drugs], over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I made it.
I’m getting very sleepy and I have now gone 24 hrs without using.

1 day sober

 

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