One small step for MY SANITY, one giant leap for THE REST OF MY LIFE.
You weren’t my first thought upon waking up this morning, you were like my 43rd thought which means you crept into my brain about 5 minutes after I got out if bed.. thats mighty generous time wise because my thoughts go quite rapidly especially in the early am <and thankfully I now control them for the most part so I don’t have to coax my brain to sleep every night as was the norm for a lot of years> but you weren’t my first thought so thats progress. I did that without his help and really in spite of his deterrents he’d always lay in my path when i was doing well and finding my independence more so/growing spiritually and loving me more.
So screw you and your gaslighting tactics and withholding love and affection to keep me in your twisted need for complete control, Maurice <previously Alex but fuck him Bailey … I mean bailing and then leading me on! Worse yet confusing and leading on Hope when she’s been through enough and then some!!> you don’t deserve to be part of our amazing family anyway.
100th post!!n Correction NOT my 100th Post as I guess one post published 3 of 4 times…. OOOOPpps
Having had a spiritual awakening as the r͟e͟s͟u͟l͟t͟ ͟o͟f͟ ͟t͟h͟e͟s͟e͟ ͟s͟t͟e͟p͟s͟, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, “What an order!Big Book of AA pg 60
I can’t go through with it.” Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfectadherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are WILLING to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual PROGRESS rather than spiritual perfection.
It hurts but it / he always has and with it over it will eventually stop hurting , finally , right ?
This book was my saving grace and changed my life and my way of thinking so drastically and I am better for it. So I’m sharing it with you so that, while it might not be as instantaneously impacting as it was for me, you can see the way I have changed my thinking so that I am happy no matter what is going on in my life or where I’m at. It is a choice – and a pain in the butt sometimes to choose to do – to choose happiness and reframe my thinking and it took a few weeks of continuous conscious effort to stop the negative thoughts that seemed to come so naturally and having to be honest with myself wasn’t a walk in the park either. But it is worth it on the other side. I’ve always poo-pooed self help books as schemes to make a buck off of our insecurities and maybe some are but most all of them have a positive message and ideas that can help or inspire us in one way or another so let them have their buck for writing down what we should already know and be doing, it is mutually beneficial. The book that follows is not making a cent off you or me or anyone for that matter, it is not copyrighted and available free to the public (you can find it for purchase too in audio and print but its a public-domain book so you can find it for free *see links after book*). It is pretty simple and repetitive but the ideas within can open up a whole new world for you if you want them to. I’ll also add the audio version somewhere in here because that is how I first “read” it, with my ears and pen to paper scribbling notes like a madwoman, and all in one sitting (and then again, and later again still and somewhere in there I’ve read it a couple times over) and wham bam thank you ma’am I’m still right where I was but I enjoy and am happy. My stoic best friend doesn’t agree with thinking your way out of poverty and she’s right that sounds unthinkable! Yeah that was sooo cornily on purpose, sue me (can’t squeeze a turnip!!). Okay I’m done. Anyway she is the smartest lady I’ve ever known, and I’ve known some really smart people so she is impressive, but she’s wrong on this one (loves you my errant muse!!) and I’m gonna prove it – just give me a couple years! Really though she is correct that you can’t JUST think positively and get anywhere but that is where this system of thinking and ACTION works. It is about thinking positively and accepting things as they are and improving upon them by turning those positive thoughts into actions that bring about better outcomes. You catch more flies with honey (shit may attract more but honey keeps em stuck) than vinegar, right?
Okay let me stop rambling and without further adieu As a Man Thinketh written by the genius philosophical mind of James Allen. (I made it pretty!)
The James Allen Free Library
The James Allen Free Library aspires to make all the works of inspirational writer James Allen (1864-1912) available online, to anyone, for free, in both English and Dutch.
Thursday, February 20
Say what you like: say I’m ill,
Say I broke my leg on the stairs,
Say we’ve had a fire
—T. S. Eliot
Think of the trouble of excuses and lies. They force us to make ourselves sick, live with a whole broken leg, start some sort of slow burn. When we tell someone we’re not at home, we have to hide in that place. When we invent a long line of lies, we have to memorize each one. It’s easiest just to come clean, use plain and simple words, and speak true. When accusers spear us with their stares, we can disarm them by looking them right in the eye.
Not only do lies deceive others, they keep us hidden from ourselves, and make our real reasons for the choices we’ve made seem unworthy, if we feel we can’t express them. Better that we be truthful, even if a little pain results. Truth keeps communication lines open. Then, when someone really wants to know what’s on our minds, we can simply open our hearts.
Is anything too terrible to tell to a friend?
From Today’s Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991
your tough love
my best try
🅷🅰🆅🅴 🅰 🆆🅾🅽🅳🅴🆁🅵🆄🅻 🅳🅰🆈! 🅰🅽🅳 🆁🅴🅼🅴🅼🅱🅴🆁 🅷🅰🅿🅿🅸🅽🅴🆂🆂 🅸🆂 🅰 🅲🅷🅾🅸🅲🅴 – 🅸🅵 🅸 🅲🅰🅽 🅱🅴 🅷🅰🅿🅿🆈 🅸🅽 🆃🅷🅸🆂 🆂🅸🆃🆄🅰🆃🅸🅾🅽 🆈🅾🆄 🅲🅰🅽 🆃🅾🅾 🅽🅾 🅼🅰🆃🆃🅴🆁 🆆🅷🅰🆃 🅻🅸🅵🅴 🆃🅷🆁🅾🆆🆂 🅰🆃 🆈🅾🆄!!
꓄ꃅꍟ ꉓꀎ꓄ꍟꈤꍟꌗꌗ ꀤꌗ ꍏ꒒ꂵꂦꌗ꓄ ꀎꈤꌃꍟꍏꋪꍏꌃ꒒ꍟ!
hours minutes seconds
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ໓ē¢iŞi໐ຖ ti๓ē
What would you do if you found out the man you were falling in love with was cheating on you?
Now say you’ve got ample proof and he goes and gets a restraining order AND calls a bogus DV call against you when he was the one roughing you up?
When that fails to get him what he wants what happens when he commits you to the funny farm against your will and has been tediously setting up the scene for your imminent “need” of a seventy-two hour hold?
Now what would you do if he’d already aligned himself with the people already doing their own little twisting of the truth to take from you the only thing important in your life – your children – to make a point and control you?
Well bravo I already sound paranoid and a bit nutty don’t I? You wouldn’t believe me for a minute, would you? Aww, don’t worry neither would I.
But believe it or not I thought I was schizophrenic and bipolar like the good kind doctors who medicated me so heavily I couldn’t function enough to stay awake and see my kids for a few hours straight told me I was, diagnosed me even as such, and committed me to a psych ward for 30 days because … well I don’t know because I was fine at the hospital and completely lucid upon arrival at the good ol’ funny farm… I’d gotten high after my first sober experience to crazy town and my dad happened to come by my place when the warden was off on an impromptu trip to “visit family” <or maybe his other family at this point I wouldn’t put it past him> in another state and he didn’t like how I was acting at the restaurant so he took me to the hospital. I don’t blame him I was on uppers from the street and downers from the drug dealer with the phd. so I was not my best of selves. And he’d had Sir Gas-Lighter extraordinaire in his ear for a few months at that point after bringing me back home following the jail stintS he had put me in for making sure that the no contact order would carry over for a while and give him that extra bit of control over me in “our” home when he brought me back all the while making sure to just barely fill in my one remaining ally that was my father so that he knew just enough to not worry too much and to feel dude was taking amazing care and time and attention in my health and well being.
LET ME BE CLEAR: WOMEN CAN AND DO ABUSE MEN IN MANY INSTANCES A MAN SHOULD CALL THE POLICE IF HE IS BEING ABUSED AND VERY FEW MEN DO BECAUSE IT ISN’T THE MANLIEST THING TO DO BUT WOMEN CAN BE VISCOUS AND HURTFUL PHYSICALLY TO A MAN ESPECIALLY WHEN ENRAGED WITH A BIT OF INTOXICATION TO BOLSTER THEIR RIGHTEOUSNESS. PLUS IF A MAN DEFENDS HIMSELF AGAINST A PHYSICALLY VIOLENT WOMAN HE IS LIKELY TO WIND UP GOING TO JAIL SHOULD THE POLICE BE CALLED SO CALLING THE POLICE AND SHUTTING THAT SHIT DOWN WITHOUT WINDING UP BEHIND BARS IS HIS BEST BET FOR SELF PRESERVATION AND SOMETIMES GENUINELY NEEDED FOR HIS SAFETY.
HOWEVER IN THIS CASE:
My guy had repeatedly choked me up against the wall when he was infuriated with me with no provocation of any physical nature on my part (yes I was likely running my mouth on one or two of these occasions but just because I’m a better debater than he is *which he recently admitted as to part of his reasoning for violence being to shut me up* but on one I vividly remember it was because he thought I was going through his stuff and I not only wasn’t I but turns out he had a females number in his pocket and so his ass was on high alert and he woke up tripping because I was sitting on the floor) and the day he called the police on me he had had a hotel receipt in his pocket and was walking around the apartment with it hanging out all obvious and such and when I snatched it as I walked by to take a look he didn’t grab it back (I’m 5’nada and 110lbs soaking wet so that would have been the easy choice for a man who out weighs and is taller than me) he tackled me and wrestled me for it (I’m a genius who when someone is trying to take something from me even if I don’t care if they have it *usually he does this with my phone which I couldn’t care less what he sees cause there is nothing to see besides me snooping his shit which I am pretty open about* I fight to keep it as though it is the last golden ticket and I’m a chocolate fiend. I don’t now but I did for a long while. Now I just let him have whatever he’s grabbing for, I am not a fan of physical pain (or emotional pain for that matter <derp de derp yes some people are and I used to be kind of>) and after the hellacious last few years I’ve had I abhor fear and being grossed out. So that wrestling match ended with me very very tired and him triumphant although I’d seen the damn receipt without proof he would deny it all the way to the .. . next motel? So we decided to go to our frequent hot spot the casino where he would disappear for hours at a time and act like he’d been gambling in the same spot that I had been past while he (I now have pieced together) frequented hookers either from the casino or down the road at the bus station where they also meander selling a good time with a positive finale. On this specific day (sometime ago in or around February 2017) we didn’t quite make it to the casino. He was exerting his dominance and I was fighting back and at one point I flicked him in the side of the head and he strong armed me and I bopped him on the nose (and yes flick and bop are exactly as they sound minor annoyances but not meant to cause pain or injury) so he pulled the car over for the second time and said he was calling the police. I’m guessing now that he was bluffing but I’d had enough of his dominance and I believed he was calling at the time so I jumped in the drivers seat *to make his point and fake the call he had to not be sitting right next to me* and backed up and flipped a u-turn and went home. Turns out the police did end up getting called because it started to snow when I drove away and he was infuriated with my taking his car so since the police would not do a darn thing about the car because I had been allowed to drive it for the year previous and therefore had not stolen anything he proceeded to press domestic violence charges against me and had his handy little restraining order prior to the date in question just waiting to use it in all it’s defaming glory because I was likely getting my kids back if he didn’t throw a wrench in the game and he didn’t want to have my kids full time living with us as that would not be conducive to his lifestyle and the one in which he wanted me as his toy for when he was bored.
It gets worst for me after that that day as I had nowhere to go and was a scared little mouse in a tiny little apartment with one way in and out and no idea what to do because at that point I checked and saw he HAD called 911 after I left and there they were pounding on the door… Never do this but a trick I learned on the mean streets of Tacompton is that if you put a large knife behind the door and wedged into the doorjamb you will create an unlockable lock on your door. I had done just that that day in hopes of what I do not know because it was not going to do me any good to be seeming to barricade myself and be dodging the officers direct orders to open up…. So with headphones not playing a darn bit of music but plugged in and pretending to be as my excuse for being late to hearing the door I removed said knife.
Now simultaneously the officers unlocked the door yet again (forgot to mention I had moronically relocked it after their first unlocking as though I merely must have forgotten to lock it and happened to notice right then… fear does not create logical thinking for me) and expecting resistance again pushed in. Butcher knife (go big or go home right?!) in hand jumping backward thus swinging my arm up and coming down to landing in a defensive attack kind of squat to balance myself did not do me any favors. I did redeem myself as wholly as I could by – before they could react and pull their weapons – chucking the knife to the side and away clearly in no way moving it toward them and then diving on the ground and putting my hands behind my back. The front and center policeman never did pull his weapon and he was a hefty piece of meat which is why I assumed the “arrest me!” position so quickly, his tackle would have resulted in broken bones I do believe. The taller and leaner officer behind him did eventually draw his gun and even aimed it where I had been because that was how slow he’d been to get it out. They carried me down the stairs kicking and screaming like a toddler because that is exactly what I felt like especially with cool guy shaking his head and making awful cruel comments as we passed him and our apartment manager (I had both sets of keys…). Dude was evilly smug and proud of himself and he’d baited me with that receipt and set me up right before my court date where I had all my ducks in a row and my ex didn’t and had again popped for drugs in his testing while she was in his “temporary custody” after he’d abducted my kids and set me up but that is for another day or at least another post since I’m in a sharing mood today.
Throughout this whole ordeal in which we have just begun I trusted Alex (dude, warden, my guy) with my life because he’d saved me from being on the streets any longer than the few weeks I’d been homeless and a wreck after Grayson (the ex and youngest daughter’s father) took my kids and didn’t return them after dinner after only just starting to come around following a hiatus from parenthood to start his new family of about 7 to 15 months sporadic visits amongst.
Yeah I’ll keep on a rambling so I will be quiet on any more ‘splaining to do for now.
🅸 🅳🅸🅳 🅷🅾🆆🅴🆅🅴🆁 🅵🅾🆁🅶🅴🆃 🆃🅷🅰🆃 🆃🅷🅸🆂 🅱🅴🅶🅰🅽 🅸🅽 🆁🅴🅵🅴🆁🅴🅽🅲🅴 🆃🅾 🆆🅷🅰🆃 🅸’🅼 🆂🆃🅸🅻🅻 🅳🅴🅰🅻🅸🅽🅶 🆆🅸🆃🅷 🅰🅽🅳 🆃🅷🅾🆄🅶🅷🆃 🆆🅰🆂 🅰🆂 🆁🅴🅰🅻 🅰🆂 🆃🅷🅴 🅻🅸🅺🅴🆂 🅾🅵 🆃🅷🅴 🅻🅾🅲🅷 🅽🅴🆂🆂 🅼🅾🅽🆂🆃🅴🆁 🅰🅽🅳 🅱🅸🅶🅵🅾🅾🆃 : 🅰 🆂🅴🆁🅸🅰🅻 🅲🅷🅴🅰🆃🅴🆁, 🅰🅽 🅰🅳🅳🅸🅲🆃 🆃🅾 🅰🅳🅳🅸🅲🆃🅸🅾🅽, 🅰 🆂🅾🅲🅸🅾🅿🅰🆃🅷 🆆🅷🅾 🅸🆂 **🅽🅴🆆🆂 🅵🅻🅰🆂🅷** 🅿🆄🆉🆉🅻🅴 🅿🅸🅴🅲🅴🆂 🅷🅰🆅🅴 🅲🅾🅼🅴 🅱🅰🅲🅺 🆃🅾🅶🅴🆃🅷🅴🆁 🅵🆁🅾🅼 🆆🅷🅰🆃 🅸 🆁🅴🅰🅻🅸🆉🅴🅳 🅸🅽 🆃🅷🅴 🅱🅴🅶🅸🅽🅽🅸🅽🅶 🅱🅴🅵🅾🆁🅴 🅸 “🆆🅴🅽🆃 🅲🆁🅰🆉🆈” 🅴🆇🅰🅲🆃🅸🅽🅶 🅷🅸🆂 🆅🅴🅽🅶🅴🅰🅽🅲🅴 🅵🅾🆁 🅷🅸🆂 🅴🆇-🆆🅸🅵🅴’🆂 🅼🅸🆂🆃🆁🅴🅰🆃🅼🅴🅽🆃 🅰🅽🅳 🅷🆄🅼🅸🅻🅸🅰🆃🅸🅾🅽 🅷🅴 🆂🆄🅵🅵🅴🆁🅴🅳 🅱🆈 🅷🅴🆁 🅸🅽🅳🅸🅵🅵🅴🆁🅴🅽🅲🅴 🆃🅾🆆🅰🆁🅳 🅷🅸🅼 🅾🅽 🅼🅴 🅰🅽🅳 🅴🆅🅴🅽 🆆🆁🅾🆃🅴 🅰🅱🅾🆄🆃 🅷🅾🆆 🅷🅴’🅳 🅳🅾 🅸🆃 🆃🅾 🅷🅴🆁 🅰🅽🅳 🅸🅽🆂🆃🅴🅰🅳 🅸’🅼 🅿🅰🆈🅸🅽🅶 🅵🅾🆁 🅷🅴🆁 <🅰🆂 🅰🆃🆃🆁🅸🅱🆄🆃🅴🅳 🅱🆈 🅷🅸🆂 🆂🅸🅲🅺 🅰🅽🅳 🆃🆆🅸🆂🆃🅴🅳 🅴🅽🆃🅸🆃🅻🅴🅳 🅼🅸🅽🅳> 🆂🅸🅽🆂 🅰🅽🅳 🅰 🅲🅷🅰🅼🅴🅻🅴🅾🅽 🆆🅷🅾 🆃🅾 🅴🆅🅴🆁🆈🅾🅽🅴 🅴🅻🆂🅴 (🅴🆅🅴🅽 🅷🅸🆂 🅴🆇-🆆🅸🅵🅴 🅽🅾🆆 🆃🅷🅰🆃 🅸’🅼 🅷🅸🆂 🅿🆄🅽🅲🅷🅸🅽🅶 🅱🅰🅶) 🅸🆂 🅶🅸🆅🅸🅽🅶, 🅺🅸🅽🅳, 🅷🅴🅻🅿🅵🆄🅻, 🅿🅰🆁🆃 🅾🅵 🅰🅽🅳 🅸🆂 🆂🆄🆁🅴 🅰🆂 🅷🅴🅲🅺 🆃🅾 🅽🅾🆃 🅲🅾🅼🅿🅻🅰🅸🅽 🆃🅾🅾 🅼🆄🅲🅷 🅰🅱🅾🆄🆃 🅼🅴 🅱🆄🆃 🅹🆄🆂🆃 🅴🅽🅾🆄🅶🅷 🆃🅷🅰🆃 🆆🅷🅴🅽 🅸’🅼 🅱🆁🅾🆄🅶🅷🆃 🆄🅿 🆃🅷🅴🆁🅴 🅸🆂 🆃🅷🅰🆃 🅺🅽🅾🆆🅸🅽🅶 🆂🅰🅳 🅷🅴🅰🅳 🅽🅾🅳 🅱🆈 🅷🅸🆂 🅼🅰🅻🅴 🅰🅰 🅱🆁🅴🆃🅷🆁🅴🅽 🅰🅽🅳 🅴🆅🅴🅽 🆃🅷🅴 🅵🅴🅼🅰🅻🅴🆂 🅿🆁🅾🅱🅰🅱🅻🆈 🅽🅾🆆 – 🅰🅽🅳 🆃🅷🅰🆃 🅸🆂 🅸🅵 🅷🅴 🅴🆅🅴🅽 🅲🅻🅰🅸🅼🆂 🆃🅾 🅷🅰🆅🅴 🅰 🅶🅸🆁🅻🅵🆁🅸🅴🅽🅳 🅾🆁 🆁🅾🅾🅼🅼🅰🆃🅴 🅾🆁 🅺🅽🅾🆆🅸🅽🅶 🅼🅴 🅰🆃 🅰🅻🅻 🅰🆃 🆃🅷🅰🆃 🅿🅾🅸🅽🆃 🅰🅽🅳 🆃🅸🅼🅴. 🆆🅷🅴🅽 🅸 🆆🅰🆂 🅼🅴🅳🅸🅲🅰🆃🅴🅳 🅷🅴 🆃🆁🅰🅸🅿🆂🅴🅳 🅼🅴 🅰🆁🅾🆄🅽🅳 🅷🅸🆂 🅻🅸🆃🆃🅻🅴 🆃🆁🅾🅿🅷🆈/🅰🅲🅲🅾🅼🅿🅻🅸🆂🅷🅼🅴🅽🆃 🅰🅽🅳 🅸 🅲🅾🆄🅻🅳🅽’🆃 🆃🅴🅻🅻 🆈🅾🆄 🆆🅷🅰🆃 🆂🆃🅾🆁🅸🅴🆂 🅿🅴🅾🅿🅻🅴 🆃🅷🅸🅽🅺 🅾🅵 🅼🅴 🅱🅴🅲🅰🆄🆂🅴 🅱🅴🆃🆆🅴🅴🅽 🅷🅸🅼 🅰🅽🅳 🅼🆈 🅴🆇 🆃🅷🅴🆁🅴 🅸🆂 🅰 🅽🅾🆅🅴🅻 🅾🆄🆃 🆃🅷🅴🆁🅴 🅾🅵 🆂🆃🅾🆁🅸🅴🆂 🅸 🅷🅰🆅🅴 🆈🅴🆃 🆃🅾 🅷🅴🅰🆁 🆃🅷🅴 🅼🅰🅹🅾🆁🅸🆃🆈 🅾🅵 🅱🆄🆃 🅽🅾🅽🅴 🅾🅵 🆆🅷🅸🅲🅷 🅷🅾🅻🅳 🅰 🅻🅸🅲🅺 🅾🅵 🆃🆁🆄🆃🅷 🅱🅴🅲🅰🆄🆂🅴 🆃🅷🅴🆈 🅳🅾🅽’🆃 🅷🅰🆅🅴 🅰🅽🆈 🅸🅳🅴🅰 🆆🅷🅰🆃 🅸’🆅🅴 🅱🅴🅴🅽 🆄🅿 🆃🅾. 🅳🆄🅳🅴 🅴🅽🅳🅴🅳 🆄🅿 🅲🅷🅴🅰🆃🅸🅽🅶 🅾🅽 🅼🅴 🅰🅽🅳 🆆🅷🅸🅻🅴 🅼🅴🅳🅸🅲🅰🆃🅴🅳 🅷🅴🅰🆅🅸🅻🆈 🅰🅽🅳 🆁🅰🆁🅴🅻🆈 🅶🅴🆃🆃🅸🅽🅶 🅾🆄🆃 🅾🅵 🅱🅴🅳 🆃🅾 🅿🅴🅴 🅸 🅼🅰🅽🅰🅶🅴🅳 🆃🅾 🅵🅸🅽🅳 🅾🆄🆃 🅷🅴 🆆🅰🆂 🅳🅾🅸🅽🅶 🆂🅾 🅰🅽🅳 🅼🆈 🅶🆄🆃 🅵🅴🅴🅻🅸🅽🅶 🅵🅾🆁🅲🅴🅳 🅼🅴 🆃🅾 🅰🅲🆃🆄🅰🅻🅻🆈 🅿🆄🅻🅻 🅼🆈🆂🅴🅻🅵 🅾🆄🆃 🅾🅵 🆃🅷🅴 🅶🆁🅾🅶🅶🆈 🅻🅰 🅻🅰 🅻🅰🅽🅳 🅾🅵 🅽🆄🅼🅱🅽🅴🆂🆂 🅸’🅳 🅱🅴🅲🅾🅼🅴 🅰🅲🅲🆄🆂🆃🅾🅼🅴🅳 🆃🅾. 🅰🅽🅳 🆃🅷🅴🅽 🅸 🆂🆃🅾🅿🅿🅴🅳 🆃🅷🅾🆂🅴 🅳🅰🅼🅽🅴🅳 🅼🅴🅳🆂 🅱🅴🅲🅰🆄🆂🅴 🅴🆅🅴🆁🆈🆃🅷🅸🅽🅶 🅲🅰🅼🅴 🅵🅻🅾🅾🅳🅸🅽🅶 🅱🅰🅲🅺 – 🅼🆈 🅼🅴🅼🅾🆁🅸🅴🆂, 🆁🅴🅰🅻🅸🆃🆈, 🅻🅸🅵🅴 🅾🆄🆃🆂🅸🅳🅴 🆃🅷🅴 🅽🆄🅼🅱🅽🅴🆂🆂 🆆🅰🆂 🆂🅲🅰🆁🆈 🅰🅽🅳 🆃🅾🅾 🅱🆁🅸🅶🅷🆃 🅰🅽🅳 🆃🅾🅾 🅼🆄🅲🅷 🅱🆄🆃 🅸🆃 🆆🅰🆂 🆁🅴🅰🅻 🅰🅽🅳 🅸 🅵🅴🅻🆃 🅸🆃 …🅰 🅱🅸🆃 🆃🅾🅾 🅸🅽🆃🅴🅽🆂🅴🅻🆈 🆃🅾 🆃🅴🅻🅻 🆃🅷🅴 🆃🆁🆄🆃🅷 🆂🅾 🅸 🅷🅾🅿🅿🅴🅳 🅱🅰🅲🅺 🅾🅽 🆃🅷🅴 🆂🅴🅻🅵 🅼🅴🅳🅸🅲🅰🆃🅸🅽🅶 🆃🆁🅰🅸🅽 🅰🅽🅳 🆃🅷🅰🆃 🅸🆂 🆆🅷🅴🅽 🅸 🆂🆃🅰🆁🆃🅴🅳 🆃🅷🅸🆂 🅱🅻🅾🅶 🆂🅾 🆈🅾🆄 🅲🅰🅽 🆂🅴🅴 🅿🆁🅴🆅🅸🅾🆄🆂 🅿🅾🆂🆃🆂 🅾🅽 🅼🆈 🅰🆃🆃🅴🅼🅿🆃🆂 🅰🆃 🆀🆄🅸🆃🆃🅸🅽🅶 🆂🅾🅼🅴🆃🅷🅸🅽🅶 🅸 🅷🅰🅳 🅽🅾 🅳🅴🆂🅸🆁🅴 🆃🅾 🆀🆄🅸🆃 🅰🅽🅳 🅳🅸🅳🅽’🆃 🆄🆂🅴 🆁🅴🅶🆄🅻🅰🆁🅻🆈 🅰🅽🅳 🆆🅰🆂🅽’🆃 🅰🅵🅵🅴🅲🆃🅸🅽🅶 🅼🆈 🅻🅸🅵🅴 🅱🅴🆂🅸🅳🅴🆂 🆃🅷🅴 🅲🆁🅰🅿 🆃🅷🅰🆃 🅸 🅷🅰🅳 🆃🅾 🅿🆁🅾🆅🅸🅳🅴 🅵🆁🅾🅼 🆃🅷🅴 🆂🅷🅸🆃🆂🅷🅾🆆 🅾🅵 🅱🅴🅵🅾🆁🅴. 🅸’🅼 🅶🅾🅸🅽🅶 🅸🅽 🅲🅸🆁🅲🅻🅴🆂 🅰🅽🅳 🆃🅷🅰🆃 🅸🆂 🅾🅺🅰🆈 🆃🅾🅳🅰🆈 🅱🅴🅲🅰🆄🆂🅴 🅸 🅰🅼 🅸🅽 🅰 🅲🅸🆁🅲🆄🅸🆃🅾🆄🆂 🆃🆈🅿🅴 🅾🅵 🅼🅾🅾🅳.
𝕀 𝕕𝕠𝕟’𝕥 𝕔𝕝𝕒𝕚𝕞 𝕥𝕠 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕞𝕦𝕔𝕙 𝕓𝕦𝕥 𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕀 𝕕𝕠 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕚𝕤 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 : 𝕀 𝕒𝕞 𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕪. 𝕀𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕥 𝕤𝕚𝕥𝕦𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕣𝕠𝕦𝕘𝕙𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕝𝕒𝕤𝕥 𝕪𝕖𝕒𝕣 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕙𝕒𝕤 𝕓𝕖𝕖𝕟 𝕞𝕪 𝕤𝕒𝕧𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕘𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕀 𝕒𝕞 𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕚𝕃𝕪 𝕞𝕖 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕟𝕠 𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕔𝕒𝕟 𝕥𝕒𝕜𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕗𝕣𝕠𝕞 𝕞𝕖 𝕒𝕤 𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕕 𝕒𝕤 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕪 𝕥𝕣𝕪 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕣𝕪 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕣𝕪 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕪 𝕕𝕠 𝕨𝕖𝕒𝕣 𝕞𝕖 𝕕𝕠𝕨𝕟 𝕓𝕦𝕥 𝕀 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕪. ℍ𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕚𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤 𝕚𝕤 𝕒 𝕔𝕙𝕠𝕚𝕔𝕖 𝕤𝕠 𝕨𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕖𝕝𝕤𝕖 𝕚𝕤 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕔𝕙𝕠𝕠𝕤𝕖?
I miss her everyday.
My inner demon is holding me back from a lot right now and is really pissing me off but I’m struggling to overcome my fear of rejection. I’ve been rejected by the dude I’m with regularly for the last year and now he’s completely rejecting me and deciding to move out and be done with me in a few weeks time, probably…. more games and fuckery and I hate it and I should be the one getting the heck out of this “relationship” because I know that I deserve better – honestly ANY person deserves better than the mental and psychological manipulation and abuse I’ve been going through even a shitty person.. More importantly I finally found a career path I excel at and absolutely love and I have the bestest friend in the entire world who “helped” (I think I’d have had to contribute to classify it as such but to be real she completely wrote my resume and cover letter, beautifully I must say) me revamp my resume and taught me what a cover letter it!! but *dun dun dun* I’m so scared of being turned down I get sick every time I go to finalize the few details left on the resume and put in the application!!
And I know I have NO chance of getting the job if I don’t try. Trust, you me, I keep reminding myself of this even out loud to other people! I know I am capable and I know I can do the job and I will be able to bumble through an interview and the place I am at is referring me and recommending me but I’m frozen with fear. The DV charges (that were eventually dismissed) that dude brought on me to keep control of the “relationship” after he’d physically abused me and was more of the abuser in the first situation he called on and the second I was half asleep and the cops had him put my shoes on my feet and tie them (I’m sorry but my hundred pound 5′ tall behind can’t hurt a grown buff man who can choke me up against the wall using just his fingers!! and if I was some abuser WHY would they put him near my kickers!! lolol) and in both scenarios the police reports said he had not a single mark on him (I live in a state where if the cops are called for DV someone has to go to jail) BUT my point is that that could get me NOT hired when they run my background. I don’t want to find out I CAN’T work in the profession I finally found that is a fit for me!
I’m getting sleepy and apparently needed to type this out in order to get to this point because it is relieving. So thank you for listening [reading] and have, or are having, a very wonderful Tuesday!!
I may be homeless again here real soon and that will devastate my girls and me which makes me sick all day every day lately but as much as I want to curl in a ball and die I am pushing forward and know I’ll be stronger and better for whatever ends up happening.
Happiness is a choice and bygolly I am trying to choose it through and through… if it would just stay still for a minute maybe I could convince it to stay..
Credit Dr. Perry First 4 Words You See?
I’m still here, just there here. I’ll be here, here too.
You might like it happilyme.blog | more to a dopefiend[dot blog]
8 minute thought-write [type thoughts verbatim no deleting or
correcting grammar. edit for visual style only]
If I let my mind
wander what will I find? A rainbow? A duck. Happenings. Bittersweet
undoings of epic proportions. When I think too much it leaves me
rough and tumbling about without.. Cause for concern no I will earn
and think of a way around. I like free thought write to get out
tonight a way to stop overthinking. Never doubt myself but that is
absurd. I wish. I wallow and forget to swallow or swish? I don’t
know how about dish. The dirt it seems to be the way people entertain
themselves. Other’s misfortune gets you popular for calling out the
family on blast for being. No rules of decency yet new rules of
standards of what is abusive language piss me off. Contradict
probably. Hypocrisy no not on that at least…
View original post 552 more words
I can’t stop!
Do I want to stop?
I do, I definitely do, I hate driving myself craZy!
Do I get bored of the lack of drama?
Am I causing it?
No. It’s definitely not my fault.
But I am perpetuating the state of affairs (ugh yes affairs..)
I have no solid proof. I get confused as to what I would need to have? Do I need a recording of them in the throws of passion (bleh makes me sick to think) or is my knowing that for the umpteenth time he is acting like he is cheating (admittedly as well) and him acknowledging my proof of inappropriate communication with another female (though since been disappeared from existence) enough?
I’m just belittled and ridiculed that I am craZy and making something out of nothing like always.
Okay I’ve been here I’m used to it.
This time though I’m remembering…
View original post 596 more words
What is the origin of dumbledore?
Dumbledore is a British dialect word, a compound of dumble, which is onomatopoeic, occurring variously as bumble-, dumble-, humble-, and the noun dor (also dorr) “an insect that makes a buzzing noise as it flies.” For her Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling selected Dumbledore as the surname of the headmaster of Hogwarts because dumbledore is a dialect word for “bumblebee,” Albus Dumbledore loved music, and she imagined him walking around “humming to himself.” Dumbledore is recorded in English by the late 1700s.
How is dumbledore used?
The dumbledore proper is Emerson’s “burly dozing humblebee,” in American prose always a bumblebee.CHARLES P. G. SCOTT, “ENGLISH WORDS WHICH HAV GAIND OR LOST AN INITIAL CONSONANT BY ATTRACTION,” TRANSACTIONS OF THE AMERICAN PHILOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION, VOL. 23, 1892
Any Humble-bee, no matter what species, is known as a Bumble-bee, a Foggie, a Dumbledore, or a Hummel-bee, according to the peculiar dialect of the locality ….JOHN GEORGE WOOD, HOMES WITHOUT HANDS, 1866
Happy Birthday Harry Potter! 39 yo!
A few weeks ago this website seemed to just materialize on my screen after my computer finally relinquished control of itself back to me. I don’t know what caused the glitch in my system but it had me at my wits end and then this simple set of words settled my frazzled synapses into a peaceful calm.
I didn’t read any of the blog that night. I saved the website to my desktop and chuckled at my madness and called it a night. That was the first bread crumb leading me back to a positive, healthy mindset when I was adrift for a bit. The concept of keeping small reminders on hand (in my pocket) to remain aware of and in the present and keeping myself grounded. This idea goes hand in hand with reshaping negative and pointless thoughts purposefully to the positive in keeping a healthy uplifting outlook.
I revisited the website frequently but didn’t read any of it still, I was fearful that the mesmerizing effect would not be lived up to possibly and I wasn’t ready to chance losing the magic. About a week ago I decided to give some reading a go and was not disappointed, it is an extensive and enriching guided guide for mindfulness that I keep going back to. Mysterious ways and all I’m paying it forward and sharing it with you.
I just read A Guide to Self Concept which ties in to where our healthy mindset has to begin and end – self love and honest self acceptance. Keeping my focus on positivity and self awareness is also how I’m taking my thoughts away from the obsession of my addiction. Diving into recovery with the program was having the opposite effect so I’m forging a different path at least to start out. I’m healing my mind and taking control of my outcome so that I can succeed in my recovery.
Sometimes you’ve got to fake yourself out.
I’m fortunate enough to know that I’m rad, now.
And these are the kinds of things I tell myself so that I do.
My life sucks. I’m still happily me.
I’m a hot mess, my life is upside-down due to things out of my control, but I am happy and back on track in keeping my thinking positive and productive! Learning to love myself and taking back responsibility and control over my thoughts, feelings, and actions has brought about so much personal and spiritual growth for me. For the longest time I was happy in my situation in life but not happy with myself. I had so many insecurities and always felt I needed someone to validate my worth. I swore, even to myself, I was happy with myself and I did like myself enough but I didn’t love myself and I was so hard on myself constantly. It was overwhelming and a lot of what led to getting started in addiction for me. *Put a pin in that for a later date when I have more time.* Flip the script and, I’d give anything, even my happiness (I know I still haven’t totally learned) to have my girls with me, but I am a much happier person and am able to really enjoy life now. So, when things get back to how they should be it’ll be that much better. Which, makes me excited for the work in my recovery to get there. I feel good and I think I’m going to choose to keep thinking this way!
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off!
Taylor Swift, Shake it Off
my theme song
from Hazeldon Betty Ford Foundation.
Saturday, June 8, 2019
Today’s Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:
Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts. — Rachel Carson
Beauty is everywhere. It is in the daisies, in the lavender wildflowers, in the new green grass of spring. As we walk through life, noticing such beauty strengthens us. It reminds us of the spiritual creative force alive in this world. On better days, we can feel our own creativity gaining power from such beauty. On harder days, nature’s sunset can help us step out of our suffering for a moment to be comforted and inspired by its splendor.
Even storms, in their wild and angry way, show us a power greater than ourselves. Such awesome beauty is beyond our understanding, and yet it is part of the earth we live on.
What lessons will nature teach me today?
clean.dopefiend: I needed to be reminded that 1. I’m not alone and
2. continuing to try again and again is the making of success. I know I’ll get there, I wish I wasn’t making it so hard on myself. and 3. finding the beauty in life is a positive step toward healing.
Today I will take my daughter out to walk in the rain and appreciate the purity and beauty of the earth being washed anew. We will intentionally seek out three positive takeaways from the experience that we wouldn’t and likely couldn’t have learned if we’d stayed inside.
Forcing myself to spend time awake and involved in my day.
My body craving sleep and pulling me toward hibernation.
I fight it.
Day 2 I felt fine for most, worked an extra 3 hours and only fell out toward the end. Just my friendly coworker noticed and brought me back to focus without consequence. Thankful. Grateful. Stayed awake the rest of the day hit NA and fought with my internet. Finally giving in to the desperate hold of sleep when Alex pulled me in for a hug that I kept embracing until morning rung.
Day 3 only a 3 hour workday (they asked for extra, I couldn’t give) sick to my stomach, just an ache that wouldn’t amount to releasing anything but threatened insistently. My head burst intermittently when I moved just so, and just so was not consistent to any one movement it was just so. Boss bought breakfast thought I wouldn’t, then I did and so worth it. I hadn’t eaten in days probably a big cause of my haze. Thankful. Grateful. Full. Got home and gave in, let sleep win. Overcome with comfortable ease of nothing I didn’t make NA, skipped treatment too, called in and said I had the flu. Fever! don’t make us sick, yeah I’m not slick she knew I wasn’t. Got my ass up to go see my girl sing in her school choir performance. Spent the whole time searching the sea of young little faces and none belonged to me. Listened and waited and left with confusion, tried her dad’s phone to no resolution. Later she called and we figured it out – she’d been standing too low for my shortness to account. Moral being that I’m glad I’m kicking my own ass out of hibernation and not letting life just pass. Cause even though we didn’t see one another she was just overjoyed that I’d been there to support her. These moments we can’t get back and of which I’ve missed too many.
I’m interrupting this cycle and taking away my excuses, its taking real effort and not even about using. I only have a tiny smidge of craving that gets stamped out with thoughts I’m reframing. None of this is meant to be a complaint or a whine – just putting my experience out there so anyone in need can see it is hard as hell but we can be set free.
Today is the day
To make a change
To take a chance
To leap with faith
To keep my mind safe
To ask for help
To task my.self
Allay all doubt today
They said it works.
I read it works.
I tried my way.
They provide my way.
Nothing to lose
Unless I choose
Again to use
And induce self-abuse
I’m doing recovery for keeps NOW.
Will I stay clean?
According to them [N.A./A.A. people] so long as I’m working my program I will succeed
Almost finished with my step 1
So thankful for the welcoming fellowship in both of the programs [N.A./A.A.] and I am greatly enjoying meetings.
Attending NA & AA daily if work allows
Actively searching for a sponsor
[the woman I asked today has all the sponsees she can handle but said I can call anytime]
Working the steps and doing the work with N.A. Step Working Guides